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View Full Version : You might be a redneck if....


BigRedChief
10-12-2004, 10:42 AM
Been a while since this thread has appeared. So since we are debating the status of a 3rd string RB and talking baseball I thought it would be a good time for some redneck humor.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You think the last three words of the national anthem is 'start your engines.'

You Might Be A Redneck If...
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
If you refer to the fifth grade as, "your senior year".

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You think the stock market has fence around it.

You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the
dump and bring back more than you took.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
Your grandfather died and left everything to his widow... but she can't touch it 'til she's fourteen.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
The figurines on top your wedding cake were wearing overalls.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
Your favorite restaurant has a sawdust floor

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever burped and killed a fly

You Might Be A Redneck If...
There were dogs in the church on your wedding day

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You're saving up to gravel your driveway.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever bought a used cap.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You turn the sprinkler on and tell the kids it's a water park.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever had to have a wrecker pull your car out of a pothole in your driveway.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
Your wedding cake was made by Sarah Lee

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever had a dream about beef jerky.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
Winn-Dixie catered your wedding.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
Your not actually able to read the Richard Petty Story, but you sure like to look at the pictures.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
You've ever tried to pass an entire funeral procession.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
Your driving a vehicle with no original body parts.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
In preparation for a romantic evening, you stop by the grocery store for a bottle of Mr. Bubble.

You Might Be A Redneck If...
The fireworks stand gives you a volume discount

vailpass
10-12-2004, 10:54 AM
You allow your fourteen year old daughter to smoke at the dinner table.......in front of her kids.

BigRedChief
10-12-2004, 11:01 AM
If Bill Gates was a redneck:

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a heftybag
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of Ahh-ight or Naaaaa
5. Instead of ta-da the opening sound would be dueling banjos
6. The Recycle Bin in Winders'95 would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the sound player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling Feebird!
8. Instead of Start Me Up the Winders'95 theme song would be Achy-Braky Heart
9. PowerPoint would be named ParPawnt
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be Vishul Basic and Bishul C++
11. Winders'95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
13. Instead of latte carts we'd have grits carts
14. New Shutdown wav: Y'all come back now, Yah hear?
15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micrasawft Henhouse
18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
20. Speadsheet software would include examples in inventory dead cars in your front yard
21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator
22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
23. Instead of asking "where do you want to go today? It's more like Hey mister, can I ketch a ride in the back?
24. Free eraser to erase the scribbble marks off the screen when using the NotePad

BigRedChief
10-12-2004, 11:09 AM
Y'allbonics

Not to be outdone by Ebonics in California, the Southern Association of Colleges & Schools is requesting billions of federal dollars to teach "Y'allbonics" in all classrooms south of the Mason-Dixon line. Included here are some samples of "Y'allbonics." If you do not understand any of them, contact a Southerner for an explanation.

HEIDI: (noun) Greeting.

HIRE YEW: (complete sentence) Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"

BARD: (verb) Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH: (noun) The state north of Florida. Capital is Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER: (noun) The state west of Jawjuh. Capital is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS: (noun) A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK: (verb) Cognitive process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a Coke."

RANCH: (noun) A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I thank I leff my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL: (noun) A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR: (noun) A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR: (noun) A rubber wheel. Usage: "I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE: (noun) A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, Ah sure hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime."

RETARD: (verb) To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FARN: (adjective) Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID: (adjective) Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

ARE: (noun) A colorless, odorless gas; oxygen. Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ARE!"

BOB WAR: (noun) A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

Cannibal
10-12-2004, 11:53 AM
You might be a redneck if you like Jeff Foxworthy and enjoy "you might be a redneck" humor.

God it's tired.

BigRedChief
10-12-2004, 12:21 PM
You might be a redneck if you like Jeff Foxworthy and enjoy "you might be a redneck" humor.

God it's tired.
So ar Video tapes of dads getting whacked in the crotch but Funniest Vidoes are still going strong....

I never was a fan of this humor until i saw the Blue Collar Comedy Tour....I don't care who you are that was funny right thar...

Tator Salad

Crush
10-12-2004, 01:06 PM
Reminds me of the Family Guy episode where they're all in the witness protection program and move to the south. Stewie opens a closet door and Jeff Foxworthy is in there.

Jeff Foxworthy: (Says some redneck joke.)

Stewie: YOU SUCK! (slams the door shut)

SoCalBronco
10-12-2004, 01:14 PM
chief fans making fun of rednecks? bwahahahahahahahahah.
this is almost as amusing as jeff garcia cracking queer jokes.

Crush
10-12-2004, 01:16 PM
chief fans making fun of rednecks? bwahahahahahahahahah.
this is almost as amusing as jeff garcia cracking queer jokes.


Chiefs fans = rednecks.

Brilliant originality! Today's comedian could learn from you! LOL2004!!!!

Cntrygal
10-12-2004, 06:57 PM
What if........ someone could whistle and their horses would come up to the front porch to be saddled. OR, said horses liked to stand on the front porch with their noses in the climbing rose bushes? (hypothetically speaking of course)

Wile_E_Coyote
10-12-2004, 09:05 PM
you cover up the rusted out parts of your pickup with political stickers...from both parties(true story)

Bowser
10-12-2004, 09:08 PM
What if........ someone could whistle and their horses would come up to the front porch to be saddled. OR, said horses liked to stand on the front porch with their noses in the climbing rose bushes? (hypothetically speaking of course)

The point.








My head.

Pants
10-12-2004, 11:46 PM
chief fans making fun of rednecks? bwahahahahahahahahah.
this is almost as amusing as jeff garcia cracking queer jokes.

LMAO, you are a moron. Get out of Cali much? Yeah, didn't think so.

Nelson Muntz
10-12-2004, 11:49 PM
LMAO, you are a moron. Get out of Cali much? Yeah, didn't think so.

No he doesn't get out much. Maybe in 10 to 15 if he's good. He has balls to admit he's a broncos fan while he's locked up in a cali pen.

ENDelt260
10-12-2004, 11:49 PM
I'm surprised he was allowed to post the word 'queer' living in SoCal.

I suspect his door will be busted down shortly, and he will be arrested for hate speech.

Pants
10-12-2004, 11:52 PM
I'm surprised he was allowed to post the word 'queer' living in SoCal.

I suspect his door will be busted down shortly, and he will be arrested for hate speech.

Yeah this gay against gay violence needs to stop. I think that homosexuals should have the right to call themsleves queers.

KcMizzou
10-12-2004, 11:56 PM
Yeah this gay against gay violence needs to stop. Yeah.. the bitch-slapping and fanny pack beatings are getting brutal. STOP THE MADNESS!!!

ENDelt260
10-12-2004, 11:56 PM
"That's OUR word for making fun of YOU! We NEED that!"

Nelson Muntz
10-12-2004, 11:58 PM
"That's OUR word for making fun of YOU! We NEED that!"

As if I didn't have enough reasons to not sleep tonight, trying to figure wtf that is from is gonna be added to the list.

BigRedChief
10-13-2004, 09:26 AM
As if I didn't have enough reasons to not sleep tonight, trying to figure wtf that is from is gonna be added to the list.

Caffiene is your friend :thumb: