View Full Version : Cheney Vows to Attack U.S. If Kerry Elected

10-18-2004, 06:46 AM
GREENSBORO, NCóIn an announcement that has alarmed voters across the nation, Vice President Dick Cheney said Monday that he will personally attack the U.S. if Sen. John Kerry wins the next election.


Above: Cheney issues a warning to Greensboro, NC voters.
"If the wrong man is elected in November, the nation will come under a devastating armed attack of an unimaginable magnitude, one planned and executed by none other than myself," Cheney said, speaking at a rally in Greensboro, NC. "When they go to the polls, Americans must weigh this fact and decide if our nation can ignore such a grave threat."

Added Cheney: "It would be a tragedy to suffer another attack on American soil, let alone one perpetrated by an enemy as well-organized and well-equipped as I am. My colleagues and I urge voters to keep their safety in mind when they go to the polls."

Although Cheney would not comment on the details of his proposed attack on a John Kerry-led U.S., national-security experts said he possesses both the capabilities and the motivation to pose a serious threat.

"There is no question that Cheney has the financial assets and intelligence needed to pose a threat to our nation," said Peter Bergen, terrorism researcher and author of Threats And Balances: Former Executive Branch Officials And The Danger To America. "After all, this fanatic can call upon the resources of both the Republican Party and Halliburton to aid him in his assault. America would be foolish not to take his warning seriously."

After his speech, Cheney was asked to confirm his remarks.

"Make no mistake: If Kerry becomes president, no one will be safe from me," Cheney told reporters. "Businesses, places of worship, schools, public parks: No place will offer you refuge. A vote for Kerry is a vote to die in your own bed at the hands of Dick Cheney."

Stepping up to the podium after Cheney, Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge vowed to increase surveillance of the vice president.

"Wherever Cheney isówhether in his office in the White House or stumping in battleground statesówe will be watching him," Ridge said. "I will not rule out raising the terror-alert level, should Kerry begin to draw ahead in the polls. Every percentage point conceded to Kerry brings the nation under greater threat of attack by Cheney."


For those that don't make it out to The Onion that often...


10-18-2004, 07:05 AM
man, the onion usually has better stuff than that. :spock:

10-18-2004, 07:12 AM
man, the onion usually has better stuff than that. :spock:

Okay, Mr. Ambassador of Funny.

10-18-2004, 07:14 AM
That's some pretty limp stuff.

10-18-2004, 07:48 AM

10-18-2004, 07:54 AM

the Talking Can
10-18-2004, 07:59 AM
too close to the truth to be funny

10-18-2004, 08:03 AM
too close to the truth to be funny

heh... funny thing is... this wouldnt surprise me. wait...maybe thats not funny.

10-18-2004, 09:03 AM
Ahh, a man of commitment.

Actually, it is hilarious, especially with that pic.

Those of you on the right need to check your funny bones.

Those of you on the left need to check reality.