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Rain Man
12-02-2004, 12:11 PM
Here's the situation:


You're home alone at 9:00 on a Wednesday. There's a half moon, waxing, and the skies are slightly overcast. During the commercial break for "Priest: NachoGate Revealed", you head to the refrigerator, but all you find in there is an aged jar of gherkins within only two left, a portion of a ham salad sandwich of unknown origins, and a gallon of milk just in case JennyGump ever visits. You need real food, and you need it now.

You go to the phone book, and open it to "Restaurants That Deliver." Unable to find any listings, you then unsuccessfully try to look up "Ghoulash to Go", "Durian Delivery", and "Steaks on the Hoof" before finally striking gold with "Pizza."

You shrug off the Ethiopian pizza place since they only offer Chick Pea as a topping, and decide against Pizza Hut since they use animal testing on their beef products. You settle on a local place called "War and Pizza" and order up your usual, along with a two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew with Extra Caffeine.

The pizza arrives precisely 42 minutes later, being wielded by a sultry blonde who has the odd habit of tweaking her left nipple while waiting for you to sign the credit card slip. As you sign, she tells you that instead of a tip she would like nothing more than a night of kinky, loveless sex that involves jump rope, spumoni, her "special toy", and her cousin Contessa, but then she sees your signature and realizes that you're distant cousins thrice removed and she doesn't do that sort of thing. She leaves.

You open the pizza box, and it's a nice, mouthwatering pie, perfectly prepared by the ex-con who is working at the pizza place until he can pay for that first shipment of cocaine from Medellin. You pour the Mountain Dew, and for a few moments you autistically lose yourself in the fizzing bubbles, fizzing, fizzing, popping, rising through the yellow liquid like tiny universes heading toward their eventual destruction at the hand of a guzzling, unshaven God.

You pick up the pizza to take your first bite. Do you eat your pizza in from the crust, or do you eat it out from the point?

SPchief
12-02-2004, 12:17 PM
ROFL

Skip Towne
12-02-2004, 12:18 PM
I'll have to get back to you on that.

Alton deFlat
12-02-2004, 12:18 PM
I eat outward from the point..................... but sometimes I'm daring and eat at the Y.

Baby Lee
12-02-2004, 12:21 PM
Outward from the point, stopping fastidiously at the cheese/crust Maginot Line.

Rain Man
12-02-2004, 12:22 PM
I'm a crust-inward eater. I believe in deferred gratification.

The whole stuffed-crust thing really shook up my world.

morphius
12-02-2004, 12:28 PM
Hmmm, I'm not sure what option fits. I normally rip the crust, where there is no toppings, off, and eat that first. Then I start at the point and eat my way back.

Its odd I know, but oh well.

Baby Lee
12-02-2004, 12:30 PM
Hmmm, I'm not sure what option fits. I normally rip the crust, where there is no toppings, off, and eat that first. Then I start at the point and eat my way back.

Its odd I know, but oh well.
Don't fill up on bread!!!!

Rain Man
12-02-2004, 12:38 PM
Hmmm, I'm not sure what option fits. I normally rip the crust, where there is no toppings, off, and eat that first. Then I start at the point and eat my way back.

Its odd I know, but oh well.


How odd and animalistic.

ENDelt260
12-02-2004, 12:40 PM
The crust is the handle.

beavis
12-02-2004, 12:49 PM
The crust is the handle.
Exactly! What the hell is wrong with you weirdos?

Rain Man
12-02-2004, 12:51 PM
Exactly! What the hell is wrong with you weirdos?

My babysitter shook me too hard, but that has nothing to do with this discussion.

JazzzLovr
12-02-2004, 12:55 PM
...perfectly prepared by the ex-con who is working at the pizza place until he can pay for that first shipment of cocaine from Medellin...

:doh!: Brad was trying to keep that on the down-low. :shake:

morphius
12-02-2004, 12:56 PM
How odd and animalistic.
And I use a fork...

Morphius
Psychitrists dream about me.

JazzzLovr
12-02-2004, 12:56 PM
...perfectly prepared by the ex-con who is working at the pizza place until he can pay for that first shipment of cocaine from Medellin...

--OR--

When did Brandon start working at a pizza joint?

ENDelt260
12-02-2004, 12:58 PM
Tammie, I too was torn as to whether to take a shot at Brandon or Brad.

So, I just passed.

I think the mention of the sultry delivery girl tweaking her nipple distracted me.

patteeu
12-02-2004, 12:58 PM
When possible, I eat my pizza with a fork.

Step 1) If the sauceless/cheeseless portion of crust is narrow, I proceed to Step 2, otherwise I start by using the fork to cut off the crust before proceeding to Step 2.

Step 2) I start at the crust (which may or may not be present at this point, refer to step 1) side of the triangle and make a cut parallel to that side and about 1.5 to 2 inches wide and proceed to Step 3.

Step 3) I then subdivide that strip into bite sized pieces by making cuts perpendicular to the cut made in Step 2. Proceed to Step 4.

Step 4) One by one, I eat the bite sized pieces produced in Step 3. Proceed to Step 5.

Step 5) If the remaining triangle can be eaten in one bite (in other words, the point is now bite sized), I do so. If not, I repeat steps 2 through 4 until it is.

If I don't have a fork, I'm a little bit less systematic, but I still try to save the point for last because it seems to usually have the highest topping/cheese to crust ratio which is my measure of merit.

I AM willing to deviate from this system if I decide that a different section of the pizza has a higher topping/cheese to crust ratio. In that event, I will save that piece until after finishing the point and then return to it at the end.

JazzzLovr
12-02-2004, 01:00 PM
Tammie, I too was torn as to whether to take a shot at Brandon or Brad.

So, I just passed.

I think the mention of the sultry delivery girl tweaking her nipple distracted me.

Well, I haven't been around here much lately. I thought I would just take a shot at each of them to try to make up for lost time. :)

ENDelt260
12-02-2004, 01:00 PM
F*ckin' engineers...

tk13
12-02-2004, 01:00 PM
I see you left off the "suck the Pizza" option for JennyGump.

I eat it with the crust as the handle like any normal person.

JazzzLovr
12-02-2004, 01:01 PM
When possible, I eat my pizza with a fork.

Step 1) If the sauceless/cheeseless portion of crust is narrow, I proceed to Step 2, otherwise I start by using the fork to cut off the crust before proceeding to Step 2.

Step 2) I start at the crust (which may or may not be present at this point, refer to step 1) side of the triangle and make a cut parallel to that side and about 1.5 to 2 inches wide and proceed to Step 3.

Step 3) I then subdivide that strip into bite sized pieces by making cuts perpendicular to the cut made in Step 2. Proceed to Step 4.

Step 4) One by one, I eat the bite sized pieces produced in Step 3. Proceed to Step 5.

Step 5) If the remaining triangle can be eaten in one bite (in other words, the point is now bite sized), I do so. If not, I repeat steps 2 through 4 until it is.

If I don't have a fork, I'm a little bit less systematic, but I still try to save the point for last because it seems to usually have the highest topping/cheese to crust ratio which is my measure of merit.

I AM willing to deviate from this system if I decide that a different section of the pizza has a higher topping/cheese to crust ratio. In that event, I will save that piece until after finishing the point and then return to it at the end.

If you're going to post a message that long, at least make it interesting like Rain Man's thread starter.

Rain Man
12-02-2004, 01:02 PM
I definitely need a diagram for Patteeu's system.

Alton deFlat
12-02-2004, 01:05 PM
When possible, I eat my pizza with a fork.

Step 1) If the sauceless/cheeseless portion of crust is narrow, I proceed to Step 2, otherwise I start by using the fork to cut off the crust before proceeding to Step 2.

Step 2) I start at the crust (which may or may not be present at this point, refer to step 1) side of the triangle and make a cut parallel to that side and about 1.5 to 2 inches wide and proceed to Step 3.

Step 3) I then subdivide that strip into bite sized pieces by making cuts perpendicular to the cut made in Step 2. Proceed to Step 4.

Step 4) One by one, I eat the bite sized pieces produced in Step 3. Proceed to Step 5.

Step 5) If the remaining triangle can be eaten in one bite (in other words, the point is now bite sized), I do so. If not, I repeat steps 2 through 4 until it is.

If I don't have a fork, I'm a little bit less systematic, but I still try to save the point for last because it seems to usually have the highest topping/cheese to crust ratio which is my measure of merit.

I AM willing to deviate from this system if I decide that a different section of the pizza has a higher topping/cheese to crust ratio. In that event, I will save that piece until after finishing the point and then return to it at the end.


If eating pizza was that complicated, I think I'd stick to soup.

patteeu
12-02-2004, 01:06 PM
If you're going to post a message that long, at least make it interesting like Rain Man's thread starter.

Good point. I eat it from the crust to the point with a fork. Better?

JazzzLovr
12-02-2004, 01:07 PM
Good point. I eat it from the crust to the point with a fork. Better?

:LOL: Much better. :)

cadmonkey
12-02-2004, 01:09 PM
The pizza place down the street cuts the pizza into squares. Some pieces don't even have a crust. Where is the option on that one?

ENDelt260
12-02-2004, 01:10 PM
The pizza place down the street cuts the pizza into squares. Some pieces don't even have a crust. Where is the option on that one?
When I get those, I just stuff the whole square into my mouth at once.

Brando
12-02-2004, 01:10 PM
The pizza place down the street cuts the pizza into squares. Some pieces don't even have a crust. Where is the option on that one?
Geezus..that's kind of like not even being able to choose your own avatar.

Rain Man
12-02-2004, 01:11 PM
The pizza place down the street cuts the pizza into squares. Some pieces don't even have a crust. Where is the option on that one?


This is America. We don't do that here.

kc rush
12-02-2004, 01:21 PM
Normally I scrape the toppings off with a fork and eat that first, then eat the crust starting at the point and working back.

I wonder what Freud would say?

Frosty
12-02-2004, 01:24 PM
My wife eats pizza from the crust in. She's wierd.

I eat mine with a fork, from the point in, at least until I get to the crust. Then it's finger time.

ENDelt260
12-02-2004, 01:24 PM
I wonder what Freud would say?

"What the hell are you doing to your pizza, you freak?!?!?!"

Raiderhader
12-02-2004, 01:28 PM
decide against Pizza Hut since they use animal testing on their beef products.

Let me see if I understand this, we are not going to eat beef due to animal testing before we mercilessly SLAUGHTER it?

You one weird cat, Kev.

From the point outward BTW.

tk13
12-02-2004, 01:28 PM
I will say that when I eat pepperoni (which is what I usually get), I strategically plan my bites so that when I get to a piece of pepperoni, I eat it whole in one bite. Nothing worse that planning wrong and biting into only half of a piece of pepperoni, then you pull away and yank the whole piece off the pizza, then you've got half a pepperoni hanging out of your mouth, and well from there it's just a disaster waiting to happen...

Brando
12-02-2004, 01:32 PM
I get to a piece of pepperoni, I eat it whole in one bite.

What would Freud say about this one?

KCTitus
12-02-2004, 01:44 PM
Ive witnessed a couple of styles that I guess are NY style, they go from the point, but one person folds his pizza long way and the other is to take two pieces and put the crusts out like a sandwich.

I cant figure out how one would eat the crust first and continue to hold the pizza.

patteeu
12-02-2004, 01:46 PM
I bet Priest Holmes and Ricky Williams eat their pizza from the crust in.

patteeu
12-02-2004, 01:47 PM
Ive witnessed a couple of styles that I guess are NY style, they go from the point, but one person folds his pizza long way and the other is to take two pieces and put the crusts out like a sandwich.

I cant figure out how one would eat the crust first and continue to hold the pizza.

If I can't eat mine with a fork, I often fold it. I guess I don't like to get my fingers messy.

morphius
12-02-2004, 01:48 PM
I will say that when I eat pepperoni (which is what I usually get), I strategically plan my bites so that when I get to a piece of pepperoni, I eat it whole in one bite. Nothing worse that planning wrong and biting into only half of a piece of pepperoni, then you pull away and yank the whole piece off the pizza, then you've got half a pepperoni hanging out of your mouth, and well from there it's just a disaster waiting to happen...
See, I do something similar with a fork. It works better that way, and you can guarntee that your last bite is a slice of pepporini.

patteeu
12-02-2004, 01:50 PM
See, I do something similar with a fork. It works better that way, and you can guarntee that your last bite is a slice of pepporini.

You are on the right track, my friend. Start eating from the crust in and it will be like discovering intercourse after years of masterbation.

Rain Man
12-02-2004, 01:50 PM
I will say that when I eat pepperoni (which is what I usually get), I strategically plan my bites so that when I get to a piece of pepperoni, I eat it whole in one bite. Nothing worse that planning wrong and biting into only half of a piece of pepperoni, then you pull away and yank the whole piece off the pizza, then you've got half a pepperoni hanging out of your mouth, and well from there it's just a disaster waiting to happen...

Waiting to happen? It already did.

Nothing's worse than having the toppings all peel off in one bite. It makes the anger well up inside me just to think about it.

KCTitus
12-02-2004, 01:52 PM
If I can't eat mine with a fork, I often fold it. I guess I don't like to get my fingers messy.

Then how do you eat fried chicken?

patteeu
12-02-2004, 02:01 PM
Then how do you eat fried chicken?

That does cause me trouble sometimes. I really like the taste of fried chicken (and buffalo wings which are even messier), but it's not easily eaten with a fork. Sometimes, especially in a public place like a restaurant, I avoid it and order something else. When I do eat it, I just bite the bullet and try to have plenty of napkins handy.

At home, where manners aren't quite as important, I sometimes tear all the meat off the bones with my fingers, clean up with a napkin and then eat the pile of de-boned meat with a fork. I always eat buffalo wings off the bone though and just put up with the mess.

morphius
12-02-2004, 02:02 PM
You are on the right track, my friend. Start eating from the crust in and it will be like discovering intercourse after years of masterbation.
Ahh, but if I wait to eat the tip last, how do I get a full circle piece of pepperoni? There is the quandary my friend.

patteeu
12-02-2004, 02:09 PM
Ahh, but if I wait to eat the tip last, how do I get a full circle piece of pepperoni? There is the quandary my friend.

Quite true, but hidden at the end of my unnecessarily long original post, I made an exception for slices where the best bite-sized piece is not at the point. In that case, you set aside that piece for the last bite after working your way to the tip. Intercourse isn't limited to the missionary position. You must experiment to customize the experience for your own personal tastes.

cadmonkey
12-02-2004, 02:09 PM
This is America. We don't do that here.


I know, but those Greek bastards are tricky!

Alton deFlat
12-02-2004, 02:11 PM
Obviously, we know how these squirrels would have voted.

ENDelt260
12-02-2004, 02:11 PM
Brains pizza!

morphius
12-02-2004, 02:14 PM
Quite true, but hidden at the end of my unnecessarily long original post, I made an exception for slices where the best bite-sized piece is not at the point. In that case, you set aside that piece for the last bite after working your way to the tip. Intercourse isn't limited to the missionary position. You must experiment to customize the experience for your own personal tastes.
Then why are you trying to tell me how to do it if I'm supposed to experiment with what works best for me?

Morphius
did her like this, did her like that, did her with a wiffleball bat.

Raiderhader
12-02-2004, 02:14 PM
Y'all are a bunch of weird bastards.

morphius
12-02-2004, 02:15 PM
Y'all are a bunch of weird bastards.
Which is the only reason we allow you to stay, now go back to the corner and shut up!

Raiderhader
12-02-2004, 02:19 PM
Which is the only reason we allow you to stay, now go back to the corner and shut up!


And I thought it was because you enjoyed laughing at me...

patteeu
12-02-2004, 02:30 PM
Then why are you trying to tell me how to do it if I'm supposed to experiment with what works best for me?

Morphius
did her like this, did her like that, did her with a wiffleball bat.

There is a difference between customizing a technique for personal preference and getting the whole thing backward.

bogie
12-02-2004, 02:37 PM
Ive witnessed a couple of styles that I guess are NY style, they go from the point, but one person folds his pizza long way and the other is to take two pieces and put the crusts out like a sandwich.

I cant figure out how one would eat the crust first and continue to hold the pizza.

I'm a folder. Fold it long ways and then all the good stuff is doubled inside. I stop at the crust (handle). Then when all the good stuff is gone, if I'm still hungry, I eat the crust (handle).

morphius
12-02-2004, 02:42 PM
And I thought it was because you enjoyed laughing at me...
Well, I believe that fact is encompassed into the whole "weird bastards" statement.

Raiderhader
12-02-2004, 02:44 PM
Well, I believe that fact is encompassed into the whole "weird bastards" statement.


On the contrary, as is evidenced by everyone I know (friends, family, everyone), enjoyment in laughing at me is one area in which you all are completely normal.

morphius
12-02-2004, 02:44 PM
There is a difference between customizing a technique for personal preference and getting the whole thing backward.
Odd, I find nothing wrong with giving it to a girl whether she is frontwards or backwards. Maybe I really am a freak.

Rain Man
12-02-2004, 02:58 PM
Odd, I find nothing wrong with giving it to a girl whether she is frontwards or backwards. Maybe I really am a freak.


Why would you give a girl your pizza? And if she's backwards, doesn't it get grease in her hair?

Pants
12-02-2004, 03:02 PM
WTF??? Wow, everybody knows you hold a slice by the crust. How can you even hold a pizza slice by the point, wouldn't the crust side overweigh?

Am I the only fan of the crust here? I love the crust, and always enjoy getting to it and finishing the slice on a tasty ****ing note.

morphius
12-02-2004, 03:03 PM
Why would you give a girl your pizza? And if she's backwards, doesn't it get grease in her hair?
I figured it is the least I can do when she takes to time to either pick it up for me or bake it.

patteeu
12-02-2004, 03:13 PM
Odd, I find nothing wrong with giving it to a girl whether she is frontwards or backwards. Maybe I really am a freak.

ROFL ;)