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TheNextStep
12-10-2004, 01:50 PM
Come with me and repent! Repent, I say! I have been shown the light! I have been shown the one true way!

I present to you the only true religion (http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/suspects/61284)!

Convert with me, people! Convert!

AFRICAN TRIBE WORSHIPS SALMA HAYEK'S BREASTS!
By Mark Miller

The Mandinka tribe of Gambia, Africa, adheres to a religious practice completely unique to its people -- they worship actress Salma Hayek's breasts!

While most primitive societies tend to pray to animal or ancestral spirits, or to stars and planets as the Mandinkans once did, that all changed in 1995.

Mandinkan farmer Danjuma Kianga remembers, through an interpreter, the moment it happened.

"As a special treat, Chief Tuamanguluka arranged for a movie to be shown here for the first time ever. The movie was Desperado, starring the blessed Salma Hayek as Carolina, a beautiful woman who works for the local drug lord."

When Hayek first appeared on screen, the Mandinkans were blown away by the sight of the 36C-25-37 actress. "Everyone gasped -- men, women, and children," recalls Kianga. "Salma was breathtakingly exquisite. She gave off a force, a light, an energy that came right through the screen and entered our very souls."

After that screening, all any of the Mandinkans could talk about was Salma Hayek -- her looks, her spirit, her energy.

In the years since, the tribe has arranged screenings of every one of her films including, From Dusk 'Til Dawn, Fools Rush In, Dogma, Wild Wild West, Traffic, Spy Kids: 3D, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, and, especially, Frida, which was nominated for six Oscars including best actress for Hayek.
The Mandinkans found themselves especially affected by the sight of Hayek's breasts, which are often on full display in her movies.

"Salma's chest globes are magnificent forces of nature," gushes Kianga. "They are large and firm and perfectly formed. Whenever they appear on screen, it is almost as though they are calling to us: 'We're here. We're here for you. Take power from us. Let us be your energy force. Close your eyes and let us engulf you.' "

Around their necks, the Mandinkans wear stone and wood amulets fashioned as miniature replicas of Hayek's awe-inspiring milk wagons. Before undertaking any strenuous or dangerous task, going on any hunting expedition or praying for anything, they lick Hayek's breasts one hundred times for luck.

One of the villages has even constructed a giant 37-foot high scale replica of Hayek's sweater puppets. The breasts themselves are formed of rare black obsidian stone, and the nipples are solid gold.

Villagers form a large circle around the statue, hold hands, and dance themselves into a frenzy while chanting the following:
Oh glorious funbags of Salma, Fertilize our fields, protect us, and bring us luck.
Especially we ask for sexual potency from the
Life-changing, awe-inspiring twin peaks of Salma.
Suckle us with your magical orbs,
Squeeze our faces between those luscious flesh mounds, Our strength, hope and joy derive from the wondrous bazongas of Hayek!

Gahiji Ngozi, a 22-year-old craftsman, speaks for the entire Mandinkan tribe when he says, "Worshipping Salma Hayek's breasts has added meaning, direction and wonder to my life."

big nasty kcnut
12-10-2004, 01:53 PM
They have seen the light and the power of salma hayek tits.

JimNasium
12-10-2004, 01:55 PM
Amen brutha, amen!

el borracho
12-10-2004, 01:56 PM
This thread is worthless without pics!!!

redbrian
12-10-2004, 01:59 PM
"Salma's chest globes are magnificent forces of nature,"

Can I hear an ahmen brothers.

Rain Man
12-10-2004, 02:01 PM
I'm orthodox Salma. I hope to make a pilgrimage to her cleavage some day.

John_Wayne
12-10-2004, 02:01 PM
It must be true. I've thought this many times myself.

"Salma's chest globes are magnificent forces of nature," gushes Kianga. "They are large and firm and perfectly formed. Whenever they appear on screen, it is almost as though they are calling to us: 'We're here. We're here for you. Take power from us. Let us be your energy force. Close your eyes and let us engulf you.' "

Brando
12-10-2004, 02:04 PM
I myself belong to the tribe that worships Jill Kelly's leather cheerio. I can see why others would belong to the Selma tribe though.

MichaelH
12-10-2004, 02:08 PM
Villagers form a large circle around the statue, hold hands, and dance themselves into a frenzy while chanting the following:
Oh glorious funbags of Salma, Fertilize our fields, protect us, and bring us luck.
Especially we ask for sexual potency from the
Life-changing, awe-inspiring twin peaks of Salma.
Suckle us with your magical orbs,
Squeeze our faces between those luscious flesh mounds, Our strength, hope and joy derive from the wondrous bazongas of Hayek!


ROFL This is too funny. This has to be made up.

redbrian
12-10-2004, 02:12 PM
ROFL This is too funny. This has to be made up.

The Weekly World News is a bastion of truth.

ROYC75
12-10-2004, 02:14 PM
Squeeze our faces between those luscious flesh mounds

CAN I BE 1ST BEFORE YOU CLOWNS SLOBBER ALLOVER THEM ?:drool:

Rain Man
12-10-2004, 02:44 PM
Thinking about her church gives me a steeple.

4th and Long
12-10-2004, 04:29 PM
This thread is worthless without pics!!!
http://biografieonline.it/img/bio/Salma_Hayek.jpg

ChiTown
12-10-2004, 04:30 PM
How bout you?

It's Friday, hell, I might have 12.......

FloridaChief
12-10-2004, 04:31 PM
Thinking about her church gives me a steeple.

Here's the church
Here's the steeple,
Open the door, and
There's the people...

CosmicPal
12-10-2004, 04:35 PM
Thinking about her church gives me a steeple.

ROFL

Hydrae
12-10-2004, 04:36 PM
http://biografieonline.it/img/bio/Salma_Hayek.jpg


Blasphemer! How dare you show the holy breasts in this heathen place? For the next month you are not to look above the lovely Salma's knees.

4th and Long
12-10-2004, 04:54 PM
Blasphemer! How dare you show the holy breasts in this heathen place? For the next month you are not to look above the lovely Salma's knees.
I can deal with that because personally, I don't find her all that attractive.

Silly pagan punishment. :)

TheNextStep
12-10-2004, 05:17 PM
I can deal with that because personally, I don't find her all that attractive.

Silly pagan punishment. :)
For this you shall surely spend your afterlife in the hell of Butterbean's ball sweat!

tk13
12-10-2004, 05:28 PM
There once was a hot babe named Salma
Whose boobs made my wee wee uncalma
She appeared on the screen
Now my undies aren't clean
Excuse me while I wash my right palma.

FAX THE AROUSED

Skip Towne
12-10-2004, 05:28 PM
Sign me up.

morphius
12-10-2004, 05:31 PM
Perfect! Just a couple days after having a conversation about Selma to a friend, timing. LOL!

FloridaChief
12-10-2004, 05:33 PM
There once was a hot babe named Salma
Whose boobs made my wee wee uncalma
She appeared on the screen
Now my undies aren't clean
Excuse me while I wash my right palma.

FAX THE AROUSED

F*ckin' dirty plagiarist...

Saggysack
12-10-2004, 05:34 PM
YA HOOTIE!!!

tk13
12-10-2004, 05:36 PM
F*ckin' dirty plagiarist...
Whatever. No kids were cheated out of their millions in royalties while making this post. This place has been lacking good poetry lately, I'm just picking up the slack.

4th and Long
12-10-2004, 05:41 PM
For this you shall surely spend your afterlife in the hell of Butterbean's ball sweat!
Errrrrummmm ... I may need to rethink my position on this. :p

FloridaChief
12-10-2004, 05:47 PM
Whatever. No kids were cheated out of their millions in royalties while making this post. This place has been lacking good poetry lately, I'm just picking up the slack.

You must be drunk as a hootie-owl to post this kind of salacious tripe. Perhaps you're the President of the RIAA to vomit up a claim for unpaid royalty rates. Shouldn't you be suing the shit of of 12-year olds for d/loading the latest Eminem single?

You wouldn't know "good poetry" if it's rough beast-ass slouched towards your pen and ejaculated on your yellow parchment-- scribbler-would be...

tk13
12-10-2004, 05:50 PM
You must be drunk as a hootie-owl to post this kind of salacious tripe. Perhaps you're the President of the RIAA to vomit up a claim for unpaid royalty rates. Shouldn't you be suing the shit of of 12-year olds for d/loading the latest Eminem single?

You wouldn't know "good poetry" if it's rough beast-ass slouched towards your pen and ejaculated on your yellow parchment-- scribbler-would be...
ROFL I beg to differ, Robert Frost could only dream to create the beauty I have delivered onto this thread....

big nasty kcnut
12-10-2004, 05:54 PM
I worship in the house of vida gurrea. Her booty is the true power.

Calcountry
12-10-2004, 06:10 PM
I'm orthodox Salma. I hope to make a pilgrimage to her cleavage some day.
This might lend new meaning to "Holy of Holies".

FloridaChief
12-10-2004, 06:10 PM
feel the power of vida

Start your own damn thread about vida-whoever. This one's reserved for Salma...

Rain Man
12-11-2004, 03:31 PM
Perfect! Just a couple days after having a conversation about Selma to a friend, timing. LOL!


I prefer Salma...

http://www.djartist.ch/images/fotogaleri/yabanci/selma%20hayek.jpg

...over Selma, but I guess we all have our preferences.

http://www.lisasimpson.net/ugli/images/paperdolls/selma.gif

TheNextStep
12-11-2004, 03:33 PM
Outstanding picture of our Holiest of Holies... Salma Hayek.

Excuse me. I'm going to go, uh... pray.

Rausch
12-11-2004, 03:36 PM
http://biografieonline.it/img/bio/Salma_Hayek.jpg

Yep, I'm a believer. Good acress, hot enough to start her own religon...


:)

whoman69
12-11-2004, 04:21 PM
Unfortunately the only film she has chosen to show the holy temples since was that unibrow idiot artsy film Frida.

JazzzLovr
12-11-2004, 06:08 PM
Thinking about her church gives me a steeple.

ROFL

I can't believe I just repped you for something else before I read this post. :D

tk13
12-11-2004, 06:13 PM
ROFL

I can't believe I just repped you for something else before I read this post. :D
That's okay, you can give his rep to me. I was going to say the exact same thing, honest.

:)

morphius
12-11-2004, 06:44 PM
I prefer Salma...

http://www.djartist.ch/images/fotogaleri/yabanci/selma%20hayek.jpg

...over Selma, but I guess we all have our preferences.

I apologize, I was distracted by the temple's.

Ari Chi3fs
12-11-2004, 06:51 PM
There once was a hot babe named Salma
Whose boobs made my wee wee uncalma
She appeared on the screen
Now my undies aren't clean
Excuse me while I wash my right palma.

FAX THE AROUSED


oh man. That was awesome. Your rep check is in the mail.

Ari Chi3fs
12-11-2004, 06:54 PM
Hallelujah

http://www.celebmovie.com/archive/p-z/SalmaHayek.html

go bowe
12-11-2004, 07:01 PM
There once was a hot babe named Salma
Whose boobs made my wee wee uncalma
She appeared on the screen
Now my undies aren't clean
Excuse me while I wash my right palma.

FAX THE AROUSEDare you channeling fax, or did you forget to log onto your alter ego account first? :shrug:

Ugly Duck
12-11-2004, 07:52 PM
"Salma's chest globes are magnificent forces of nature," gushes Kianga. "They are large and firm and perfectly formed. Whenever they appear on screen, it is almost as though they are calling to us: 'We're here. We're here for you. Close your eyes and let us engulf you.' "

Before undertaking any strenuous or dangerous task, going on any hunting expedition or praying for anything, they lick (replicas of) Hayek's breasts one hundred times for luck.


OK... its finally time for me to add, "This thread is useless without pics."

Ya know... I've never been a religious kinda guy. But this faith speaks to me. I could really get behind rituals based on the worship of Selma's breasts. Oh, yeah..... let their Light shine upon me!!!