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CosmicPal
12-21-2004, 10:56 AM
Parties. Lots of them! What better way to get the holidays rolling than with a few good parties, huh? Hit them all- particularly, the office parties. This is your rare chance to get hammered and tell everyone in the office EXACTLY what you think about them. I.E. ďHey Martha- I olly daught yew were a fat slob da way yew eat dose pork rinds at yer desk, ya stoopid whoreĒ And then wink at her when you finish that charming line. Stuff like that will get you out of the mailroom in no time.
No more ties for a XMAS present. PLEASE! Yes! I work in an office like most people. But, casual day is no longer reserved just for Fridays- itís every day! Therefore, I donít wear a tie anymore, and I certainly donít need one. So, please- enough already. Iíve got enough ties to rival one of Trumpís collections thanks to you and your annual thoughtlessness.
Stop candy-azzing everything. Iím tired of all this fake greetings from people who are only trying to make themselvesí feel better by pretending to be nice and jovial with you and everyone else. For 11 whole months and a couple of weeks out of the year- nobody could stand you, and NOW of a sudden- youíre a very likeable person? Go drink some more eggnog, you azzhat.
Enough with the holiday music being piped everywhere already- particularly by these so-called rock groups who have a sudden willies of the holidays and feel itís kewl to add a resonate head-banging sound to ďWhite ChristmasĒ You guys suck, and anyone above a fourth grade education know youíre only trying to make a few extra bucks rather than coming off with some class for the first time in your drunkin, rockin, stupid life.
I want to get laid with a gal in a Santa helper suit. I canít help myself with this one, but I for some odd reason or maybe itís the putting too much brandy in my chocolate lately, but Iíve got a thing for stockings and a red velvet dress. It would be nice if she would scream like an opera singer, but itís not really all that necessary.
I want lights on EVERY house on EVERY street in EVERY town, folks. Get them up there! Itís the one time of the year for only a couple of weeks we get to see these magical lights ablaze all over the place. Letís make the electric company happy and drive rolling blackouts all over the place.
Give people the day off you horsehats for a corporation! Nobody should be working on a holiday, and everyone should be with their family and/or friends. Very few people eat out on the holidays, okay. Keeping your restaurant open on a holiday is not fair to the employees, and it sure the hell ainít a happy place for those who are lonely on the holidays and have nowhere to goÖgive Ďem a free eggnog to go with their meals or something. And if you own a restaurant that is open during the day of a holiday. You better be working that day too, you tard.
I want a mistletoe hanging from every doorway in every house. Whatever happened to this small frivolous invitation to kissing? I couldnít wait for the neighbors to come by with their daughters who were my age. Iíd stand there leaning against the wall with a mischievous smile trying to get a kiss from all the girls. What better way to spread a little sweetness over the holidays?

When I send you a XMAS card- I want one back! Donít email me a few days later with your thoughtless appreciation. Do what I did- get off your azz, go to the store, spend a freakiní half-hour pouring over different cards you think best represents your style and then go home- drink a lot of Grand Marnier and think of some witty greetings to write to everyone you love. Personalize the damn card and mail them. Itís only one time of the year- do it, or I swear- next year youíll be receiving a XMAS card with a pic of me pooping on your lawn.
10. Lastly, I want PEACE. I seriously want everyone to reel in the magic of the holidays. Forget about the rude neighbors and send them a basket of cookies. Make amends with the gal at the office who keeps stealing your pens, and get her a packet of Bics for XMAS. Give that homeless guy who stands there day after day a fiver for his troubles. Itís nothing to you, but it just might make his day. If a guy in the tavern smiles at you and says something like, ďShow me your breasts, sweetie!Ē Well, do it. Whatís the big deal? Itís not like heís never seen a pair of breasts before. I want everyone to get along for just once. When the guy on the highway flips you the bird, surprise him by returning a peace sign. Smile. Your life is no more important than mine, and mine isnít any more important than yours- so stop acting like the world revolves around you and get happy.

Phobia
12-21-2004, 10:59 AM
What kind of happy, hippy horseshit is this?

It was probably written by a panhandler.

TheNextStep
12-21-2004, 11:05 AM
That's great, Cosmic. I want my team to kick the sh*t out of yours.

Dartgod
12-21-2004, 11:43 AM
What kind of happy, hippy horseshit is this?

It was probably written by a panhandler.
Really. :Lin:

Well, except for this part. This is great advice, IMO...

If a guy in the tavern smiles at you and says something like, ďShow me your breasts, sweetie!Ē Well, do it. Whatís the big deal? Itís not like heís never seen a pair of breasts before. I want everyone to get along for just once.

CosmicPal
12-21-2004, 12:13 PM
What kind of happy, hippy horseshit is this?

It was probably written by a panhandler.

Whoa daddy...what the hell is wrong with this list? I spent all this time trying to be clever, and this is all you can come up with? :shake:

CosmicPal
12-22-2004, 06:05 AM
In the spirit of giving: I'm giving this thread another chance

OmahaChief
12-22-2004, 06:11 AM
The the hell is XMAS?

PastorMikH
12-22-2004, 08:27 AM
That's great, Cosmic. I want my team to kick the sh*t out of yours.



You make the list, check it twice, plead and beg anyone who will listen to you recite it, and still look forward to being disappointed. I hope you have some other things on your Christmas list that you actually have a chance of getting or you're going to have a dissapointing Christmas.

:)

PastorMikH
12-22-2004, 08:31 AM
The the ____ is XMAS?



Not sure if your being sarcastic or not sure of the Xmas abbreviation. In case of the later, I thought I'd explain. The "X" in the Greek Alphabet stands for "Chi". It was popular in the early church era to abbreviate "Christ" with "X". Thus, "X-mas"

Lzen
12-22-2004, 10:01 AM
The the hell is XMAS?

I was gonna say that what I want for Christmas is for people to stop replacing "Christ" with the letter "X" in the word Christmas.

Pastor Mike's post was interesting information, though.

Oh, and your list is still stupid, Cosmic.
:shake:

Iowanian
12-22-2004, 10:13 AM
I would like 10 copies of William Hung's "Hung for the Holidays" CD.

Phobia
12-22-2004, 10:39 AM
Whoa daddy...what the hell is wrong with this list? I spent all this time trying to be clever, and this is all you can come up with? :shake:

Oh. Sorry.

Here's $.39 - now you can almost buy a bottle of MD 20/20 for the holidays.