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View Full Version : You know anything about divorce?...advice please


Soupnazi
12-23-2004, 12:00 PM
Well folks, it's been a rough couple of weeks for my family. After my mother in law nearly died during routine surgery, and my mentor (and good friend of the family) at work lost his 4 yr old son, now I find out that my brother's marriage will end in divorce.

The reason I post this is that my family has zero experience with divorce stuff, and maybe you guys/gals can help with some info. He's 22, she's 21, they've got a 13 month old son together. They've been married for about 1 year and 3 months.

My entire family knew this girl was going to be no good, and it didn't take long to come to pass, but she's left him 'cause she's "not happy." Now she's screwing around with some ex boyfriend of hers, moved back in with her parents, yada yada.

Brother works as a car mechanic, and doesn't make a ton of money, but is able to support the two of them, the baby, and make the payments on the house they just bought. She has no job, and apparently staying home all day with her baby, and not cleaning a thing is just too much stress for her to handle. Anyway, what's the move here?

I've instructed him to move his money, but what can he expect as far as how the courts are going to treat him on custody, alimony, the house, child support, all that? I've heard that you've got the upper hand if you file first, but I don't know for sure.

Any thoughts? Thanks in advance.

htismaqe
12-23-2004, 12:03 PM
There is no "upper hand" if you're a man and you've had children with her.

Expect to pay and pay dearly. That's the way the system works.

Phobia
12-23-2004, 12:08 PM
He needs an attorney to give him advice, IMO.

That having been said, I spent $20k+ on my divorce in Texas and ended up with virtually everything I would have gotten if I had done a quicky, $500 divorce. But, my ex was uncooperative in that regard. She wanted the fight. He can save some money if he can talk her into an uncontested, mediated divorce.

It isn't gonna be a fun time.

NaptownChief
12-23-2004, 12:09 PM
If you are looking for football knowledge this isn't were you should come looking however for divorce advice I would say we have many Pro Bowlers on the board when it comes to that subject. :D

DeepSouth
12-23-2004, 12:10 PM
If she moved out, talk to a lawyer about "abandonment". At least you might get to keep the house.

Chiefnj
12-23-2004, 12:11 PM
He needs to get a matrimonial attorney, not a general practitioner.

They are both young, so I doubt there is much to "hide" as it has been put.

Child custody, as far as I know, is generally set by statute in most states and is arrived at by looking at everyone's income, costs and then a % is taken. It's good she moved out and has no costs living at home with her parents. He'll probably have to pay alimony because she will likely claim she needs to stay home with the baby.

If they could agree to a mediator it would be beneficial. It's always better to be able to agree on something you can live with than be ordered to do something you don't want to do.

Tell him to make sure he pays the child support, it's not the kids fault the mom's a .... [insert your own derogatory term].

Iowanian
12-23-2004, 12:12 PM
Merry Christmas, eh.

That stuff all sucks.

Woodchipper.

bogie
12-23-2004, 12:13 PM
Get an attorney immediately. If she's already screwing around with someone, that can work in his favor, especially if she dating in front of the child. But unfortunately, the woman usually has the advantage in any divorce. But definately, get an attorney.

stumppy
12-23-2004, 12:15 PM
It would be best if they both could work out mutually agreeable terms. Like, custody, support, visitation,division of property, etc.
Do that before any lawyers get involved and it's not too bad.

If they can't then your brother needs to become the biggest mofo on the face of the planet. He will need view her as his #1 enemy. And treat her as such. Find any dirt he can, pull every dirty rotten trick he can to get any advatage when it comes time for court. Take pictures, get her fired, watch her night and day, gather any info. he can that will give him an advantage.
Oh yea, get a GOOD attorney.

How's that?
Divorces suck, especially when kids are envolved.


Oh yea, it's been several years since I've gone through that hell so this info might be a little dated.:shrug:

Skip Towne
12-23-2004, 12:20 PM
All states are different. Get an attorney quickly. You can contact you state Bar Assn for help getting a low cost type attorney.

Soupnazi
12-23-2004, 12:21 PM
Thanks folks. Keep it coming. Oh, and it's Missouri too, if that's of any importance.

nmt1
12-23-2004, 12:25 PM
I'm going through a very similar situation myself right now with the exception of kids. Fortunately, I never had kids with my soon-to-be ex and never put her name on any of my accounts or my mortgage. Tell your brother to get a lawyer. Tell him to get any evidence of adultry together. This will be helpful in not getting totally screwed in the divorce. Someone earlier mentioned abandonment. Tell him to make sure he can prove that as well. If he gets a good lawyer and can prove that she's the one who ended the marriage, he may even get custody of the child. Unfortunately, the legal system is slanted heavily towards the female. I hope he has his ducks in a row. Tell him to make sure he is very careful during the separation period too. It would probably be best to abstain from any relationships during that period.
As far as paying the lawyer, maybe he can discuss some kind of payment plan or something. That's what I'm working on.

badgirl
12-23-2004, 01:11 PM
If she is a slob and already screwing around, if I was your brother I would get all the evidence of this and try to get custody of the child himself, sounds like the kid would be better off with your family than hers, then get a good lawyer and see if your brother could get the primary custody with visitations for the mother,sounds like he has a pretty good chance if he can get some proof of some stuff to take to court, and she can pay you child support. Its not like he would be doing injustice to his wife by taking the child, she would still get to spend time with the kid, but your brother would be responsible for all the major decisions made in the kids life, not to mention if the mother is this bad of a person, he wouldn't have to worry about such things as the kid seeing her bring men in and out of the house. I think the kids interest should come first and it sounds like it would be better off with your brother. :thumb: Good Luck

Monty
12-23-2004, 01:19 PM
He needs an attorney to give him advice, IMO.

That having been said, I spent $20k+ on my divorce in Texas and ended up with virtually everything I would have gotten if I had done a quicky, $500 divorce. But, my ex was uncooperative in that regard. She wanted the fight. He can save some money if he can talk her into an uncontested, mediated divorce.

It isn't gonna be a fun time.


I guess it's my turn to carry the baton. I'm in for $12K so far, but I expect it to be about $15K by the time it's over. Same story tho, this whole thing could have been resolved for less than $500. :cuss: The only upside at this point is the female friends who are consoling me through the difficult times I'm facing. ;)

In regards to your brother, hiring an atty is priority one. Getting total control of the funds is the next. Considering the marriage was only a little over a year in length, he might have a good shot at an uncontested divorce. Best of luck to him. :thumb:

Mojo Rising
12-23-2004, 01:30 PM
I would strongly recommend your brother become a sales men and convince her to not go to court. Go to a mediator or even do the divorce themselves.

I divorced my first wife after 16 months. We bought a book from NoLo press which I would also recommend and did the divorce ourselves. We did not have kids though. It was also in Cal so our laws might not translate.

It sounds like their assets are somewhat limited so their issue will be child support and custody. If he can educate her to the fact that lawyers are incenpted to argue against every settlement opportunity they might be able to work it themselves.

They are in a more difficult situation than I was because we didn't have kids. Because of that, he will be involved with her on some level for the rest of his kids life. They are need to agree on things down the road.

I say all of this 7 years removed. It was tough back then.

chiefs4me
12-23-2004, 02:02 PM
Adultry doesn't matter anymore,,I went thru this with my sister,,the only chance in hell he has is to try and get her to agree on stuff,,,,,like child support, the splitting of personal items, sharing custody of the child. If he tries to tell her how it's gonna be,,,,,he might as well surrender his balls now. Good Luck to him and his child.

hellhead
12-23-2004, 02:08 PM
The reason I post this is that my family has zero experience with divorce stuff, and maybe you guys/gals can help with some info. He's 22, she's 21, they've got a 13 month old son together. They've been married for about 1 year and 3 months.

My entire family knew this girl was going to be no good, and it didn't take long to come to pass, but she's left him 'cause she's "not happy." Now she's screwing around with some ex boyfriend of hers, moved back in with her parents, yada yada.


Any thoughts? Thanks in advance.


Get a good lawyer, and make it known she was a slut. And she didn't work and didn't do house work. Cheated all the time blah blah blah, and if all else fails... choose a pretty big load, 00 Buck is a good one, I would steer clear of Dove & Quaill

Mojo Rising
12-23-2004, 02:15 PM
Get a good lawyer, and make it known she was a slut. And she didn't work and didn't do house work. Cheated all the time blah blah blah, and if all else fails... choose a pretty big load, 00 Buck is a good one, I would steer clear of Dove & Quaill

My co-worker is now paying for his and her lawyer. Doesn't even know what her fees are. If it is possible, they would be much better working it out on their own.

I don't know the details but I doubt he is on the line for alimony. That leaves 2 things to work out. 1. Custody 2. Child Support

Plus, he is going to have to be involved with this woman for the rest of his childs life. Sooner or later it would be better if they start to agree on things.

Scanfan55
12-23-2004, 02:21 PM
Where are you located? I am a divorce attorney.

Tracy

Iowanian
12-23-2004, 02:23 PM
"...and I'll be happy to spend hours and hours, and thousands of your dollars, so that you end up paying Alimony and child support, and Owe me $20K"

Anyone Get rearended in this past snow storm?

chiefs4me
12-23-2004, 02:24 PM
Where are you located? I am a divorce attorney.

Tracy


He's in Mo,,where are you at?

Mojo Rising
12-23-2004, 02:35 PM
Where are you located? I am a divorce attorney.

Tracy

Cool. Someone who deals with this on a daily basis. What would be the advantages and dis-advantages of working with a mediator?

Scanfan55
12-23-2004, 02:36 PM
I'm in NH. But I can recommend someone in Missouri, possibly.

I will say that attorneys fees are a function of the bullshitting back and forth. If spouse #1 wants to whine and bitch about everything, then both parties will pay high attorneys fees. Sometimes mediation works.

I am NOT a Missouri attorney, but, in NH, one year of marriage isn't long enough to warrant alimony, generally. NH Child Support is statutory and based on the income of both parties and is like a chart (discretion is minimal, unless special circumstances warrant it). Alimony is based on need, ability to pay, and contributions to the marriage.

Any questions, have him contact me - PI me.

Scanfan55
12-23-2004, 02:41 PM
Cool. Someone who deals with this on a daily basis. What would be the advantages and dis-advantages of working with a mediator?

It depends on the mediator.

You never want the guy/gal in the black robe making a decision about the rest of your life (like when to see your children), so mediation is positive in that both parties come to the table to discuss things with the help of an impartial person. Nothing in a mediation session can be used in Court. And, mediation aggreements can be written and signed off on that day (as opposed to a trial and waiting for a decision).

The disadvantage is the sometimes skanky lawyers use mediation as a stalling technique. Mediation occurs, nothing gets resolved, and the parties go to trial anyway. You incur the fees of your lawyer as well as a mediator. It is also a painful process - people say a lot they haven't said, like why they are really angry, and that has to be worked through. However, I have seen unworkable relationships change for the better so that the parties can now communicate.

There is more, but that's what I can think of for now.

Soupnazi
12-23-2004, 02:45 PM
I'm in NH. But I can recommend someone in Missouri, possibly.

I will say that attorneys fees are a function of the bullshitting back and forth. If spouse #1 wants to whine and bitch about everything, then both parties will pay high attorneys fees. Sometimes mediation works.

I am NOT a Missouri attorney, but, in NH, one year of marriage isn't long enough to warrant alimony, generally. NH Child Support is statutory and based on the income of both parties and is like a chart (discretion is minimal, unless special circumstances warrant it). Alimony is based on need, ability to pay, and contributions to the marriage.

Any questions, have him contact me - PI me.

Actually, Scanfan64, that helps a ton. That's more along the lines of what I was wanting to know. I'll keep that in mind and may take you up on that in the future. It's all my brother's call right now, but I just want to make sure I'm not guiding him in the wrong direction.

The guy's going to be destroyed if he doesn't get to see his kid.

Scanfan55
12-23-2004, 02:54 PM
Glad to help. Feel free to contact me.

Mojo Rising
12-23-2004, 02:58 PM
It depends on the mediator.

You never want the guy/gal in the black robe making a decision about the rest of your life (like when to see your children), so mediation is positive in that both parties come to the table to discuss things with the help of an impartial person. Nothing in a mediation session can be used in Court. And, mediation aggreements can be written and signed off on that day (as opposed to a trial and waiting for a decision).

The disadvantage is the sometimes skanky lawyers use mediation as a stalling technique. Mediation occurs, nothing gets resolved, and the parties go to trial anyway. You incur the fees of your lawyer as well as a mediator. It is also a painful process - people say a lot they haven't said, like why they are really angry, and that has to be worked through. However, I have seen unworkable relationships change for the better so that the parties can now communicate.

There is more, but that's what I can think of for now.

That makes sense. I was lucky in that I didn't have kids and was so young that we didn't have any assets. No matter how you do it sucks.

It did keep me free to meet my current (and final) wife. We are expecting our first baby in April. She had a very similar experience to me prior to our marriage.

Scanfan55
12-23-2004, 03:03 PM
Congratulations! Jealous! Wish I could say I was anywhere close to such bliss. Eventually, right? Anyhoo, Merry Christmas!

Skip Towne
12-23-2004, 03:10 PM
Actually, Scanfan64, that helps a ton. That's more along the lines of what I was wanting to know. I'll keep that in mind and may take you up on that in the future. It's all my brother's call right now, but I just want to make sure I'm not guiding him in the wrong direction.

The guy's going to be destroyed if he doesn't get to see his kid.
Be careful, Nazi, Scanfan64 is a WOMAN!!! Never trust a woman or a lawyer. She is BOTH!!

Scanfan55
12-23-2004, 03:12 PM
Oh Skippy. You are so bad.

Soupnazi
12-23-2004, 03:14 PM
Be careful, Nazi, Scanfan64 is a WOMAN!!! Never trust a woman or a lawyer. She is BOTH!!

ROFL

Skip Towne
12-23-2004, 03:15 PM
Oh Skippy. You are so bad.
Damn, I must be slipping. I was hoping for an emotional outburst. Hehe

Mojo Rising
12-23-2004, 03:17 PM
Congratulations! Jealous! Wish I could say I was anywhere close to such bliss. Eventually, right? Anyhoo, Merry Christmas!

It will happen and you will know when you meet the right person. We were both lucky in that we knew what wasn't right from our prior experiences. Thanks for the congrats! Happy Holidays!

Scanfan55
12-23-2004, 03:19 PM
It's Christmas babe.
Everyone deserves forgiveness.

MOhillbilly
12-23-2004, 03:39 PM
kill her.

Marada
12-23-2004, 05:04 PM
[QUOTE=Scanfan64]I'm in NH. But I can recommend someone in Missouri, possibly.

I will say that attorneys fees are a function of the bullshitting back and forth. If spouse #1 wants to whine and bitch about everything, then both parties will pay high attorneys fees. Sometimes mediation works.

I am NOT a Missouri attorney, but, in NH, one year of marriage isn't long enough to warrant alimony, generally. NH Child Support is statutory and based on the income of both parties and is like a chart (discretion is minimal, unless special circumstances warrant it). Alimony is based on need, ability to pay, and contributions to the marriage.

Having went through it I'll confirm what Scan has said. For Child Support Missouri uses a formula to determine the amount the child should receive then each parent pays a precentage based on income. Alimony is not usually considered if the lady is capable of working. Another interesting thing is that under Missouri law you can get a desolution with just 1 attorney if you can agree on all the points. She can sign a quit claim on the house under a desolution as well.