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View Full Version : Pooping at work......


cadmonkey
02-03-2005, 12:18 PM
I only ask this because I have noticed the different ways people head to the bathroom. This one guy makes it a point that everyone knows he heading in to crap. This other guy looks like he's trying to avoid every single person in the world on his way. If he runs into anyone near the bathroom he'll pretend he wasn't even going in.

How do you head to the John?

A poll is coming.

journeyscarab
02-03-2005, 12:21 PM
Who cares who knows...poop away!

cadmonkey
02-03-2005, 12:23 PM
Who cares who knows...poop away!


The problem is that there is this unreal blonde who sits outside the bathroom. She has clear view of how enters and exits the bathrooms. No need to have her picturing me grunting away in there.

journeyscarab
02-03-2005, 12:31 PM
The problem is that there is this unreal blonde who sits outside the bathroom. She has clear view of how enters and exits the bathrooms. No need to have her picturing me grunting away in there.

Dude, you need to find a safe haven! :thumb:

Could you picture her grunting away in there next to you? I bet she waits til everyone goes home and then heads to the Girls room and does a number that would make the janitor puke. ;)



How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.


THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

CRACK WHORE
A toilet that has seen more butts than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include miscellaneous "hair", pee stains and brown streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

MOhillbilly
02-03-2005, 12:37 PM
when i was drinking all the time a nice nap in the bathroom on the cool tile was always nice about 10am.just tuck a roll of napkins under the nogin out like a light.

Kerberos
02-03-2005, 12:38 PM
Nothing like a getting paid to "Reel One Off", unloading a stanley steamer at work is one of my favorite things to do !

Of course it is a UNISEX bathroom so using some spray and leaving the overhead fan on is a must as I appreciate the next person doing that for me as well.

Chicks can talk all the Sh!t they want,(no pun inteneded) but they can leave a bathroom pretty f**king rank after pinching a loaf! Or at least the ones I work with can!

:hmmm:

:Lin:

Cliff

Ari Chi3fs
02-03-2005, 12:41 PM
yeah, taking a shit and getting paid is a good thing.

But I prefer 'leaving' a shit... I have no idea why its called 'taking' a shit, cuz I dont know about you, but unless it is Guiness Book size, its staying right there.

BigRedChief
02-03-2005, 12:50 PM
But I prefer 'leaving' a shit... I have no idea why its called 'taking' a shit, cuz I dont know about you, but unless it is Guiness Book size, its staying right there.

One of Carlins best bits. Funny stuff. I don't want to take that shit. I'm leaving that shit.

I'm not getting on the plane Fuk you I'm getting in the plane.

Otter
02-03-2005, 12:54 PM
Don't you hate when you're in the middle of a good article, enjoying the moment and some dude burts in the room then stall next to you and sounds like he's passing 2 gallons of jello!

:mad: :mad: :mad:

Vegas_Dave
02-03-2005, 01:15 PM
Personally, I load it on to my PDA and slip that in my pocket.

KCTitus
02-03-2005, 01:18 PM
I use a small radio that I have at work that I use with the earbuds. I take that in and it cancels out all the "nasty" stuff going on around me and I can get things done in relative peace.

Hoover
02-03-2005, 01:21 PM
I own the place, so I walk on in the the newspaper

laser1972
02-03-2005, 01:21 PM
Why is it when someone is actually in the "poop prcocess", you walk in to pee, and they go into stealth mode, not a noise heard.. Maybe if i don't make any noises, someone doesn't notice i am here shi**ing a brick and a half...

They are some regulars here at my job, i swear they have never seen a toilet at there own freakin' house..

I worked at some place a few years ago (Advertising), i would get alot of free magazines from vendors trying to get our ads in their mags.. So i'm sitting there in my office when this dumba$$ comes in and hands me a magazine (not the mailroom dude), i ask whats this for, he said"..Oh, i had to borrow it"...

Before i grabbed the rubber gloves, did a george costanza (its been tagged).. I moved the magazine every so gently into the garbage can.. .Look, if you are going to take a magazine for that very reason, its your to keep.. I don't need sh** residue combing the paces...

Some phucking people..

Soupnazi
02-03-2005, 01:21 PM
I'm a speed shitter. I've mastered the art of getting myself to the peak of percolation and then dropping it fast enough that the casual observer would never know what I've done in there.

45 seconds max.

Vegas_Dave
02-03-2005, 01:25 PM
Should there be a "Whos Pooping Right Now?" Poll?

KC Kings
02-03-2005, 01:27 PM
This thread is worthless without pic's.

Lzen
02-03-2005, 01:30 PM
One of Carlins best bits. Funny stuff. I don't want to take that shit. I'm leaving that shit.

I'm not getting on the plane Fuk you I'm getting in the plane.

Great stuff. Love the Carlin of old. Not that much into his politcal comedy of now, though.

Cochise
02-03-2005, 01:32 PM
I'm a speed shitter. I've mastered the art of getting myself to the peak of percolation and then dropping it fast enough that the casual observer would never know what I've done in there.

45 seconds max.

Same here. The less time you spend in the stall over from some guy who's pissing out of his arse is better as far as I'm concerned.

Hoover
02-03-2005, 01:38 PM
This thread is worthless without pic's.

Well OK

journeyscarab
02-03-2005, 01:39 PM
This thread is worthless without pic's.

Here you go ...."The Luminous Toilet Seat."

http://www.kiss-textil.de/02190005.jpg

Hoover
02-03-2005, 01:41 PM
Here you go ...."The Luminous Toilet Seat."

http://www.kiss-textil.de/02190005.jpg
If I evey build my own office, I'm putting a bathroom in my office so I don't have to share

ENDelt260
02-03-2005, 01:45 PM
Don't you hate when you're in the middle of a good article, enjoying the moment and some dude burts in the room then stall next to you and sounds like he's passing 2 gallons of jello!

:mad: :mad: :mad:
Sorry about that. Had a few beers last night... loosened the bowels a bit.


I'm a big fan of getting paid to poop. Only problem is, my employer buys the cheap shitty toilet paper. So, if I've got a particularly messy shit... my asshole is the one that really pays.

Speaking of which... there's a rumblin' down below as we speak.

journeyscarab
02-03-2005, 01:47 PM
If I evey build my own office, I'm putting a bathroom in my office so I don't have to share

Think the lights blink and change colors depending on the noise you make? Its a cool stool for sure. Need some way to hook an iPod up to it.

ENDelt260
02-03-2005, 02:13 PM
Ah, I feel much better now.

It appears the server had to take a dump, too.

Dr. Facebook Fever
02-03-2005, 03:53 PM
Just look out for this guy....

kc rush
02-03-2005, 03:54 PM
I never understood taking reading material into the restroom. Get in, get it done, and get out.

There was a guy who I used to work with who would bring his mail with him and lay it on the floor. He would read one letter, put it down, pick another one up off of the floor, read it grab another one. Then he would take off without washing his hands. Iím a freak about washing my hands after using a public restroom, I couldnít imagine touching the floor and spending the rest of my day with stank bathroom hands.

Our offices take half of the first floor and the entire second floor of our building; I was using the restroom on the first floor (the most public of the restrooms) one day when I heard someone eating chips while sitting on the seat. That was disgusting enough, but then they did something that completely fouled me out. I heard all sorts of commotion and figured out that the guy was making a sandwich in the stall. I saw a sliced meat package drop then I heard the sound of a ketchup or mustard bottle being squeezed.

:Lin: :Lin: :Lin:

Dr. Facebook Fever
02-03-2005, 04:00 PM
I never understood taking reading material into the restroom. Get in, get it done, and get out.


I agree. I'm not gonna be there long enough to bother with any other paper work than toilet paper.

journeyscarab
02-03-2005, 04:01 PM
I never understood taking reading material into the restroom. Get in, get it done, and get out.

There was a guy who I used to work with who would bring his mail with him and lay it on the floor. He would read one letter, put it down, pick another one up off of the floor, read it grab another one. Then he would take off without washing his hands. Iím a freak about washing my hands after using a public restroom, I couldnít imagine touching the floor and spending the rest of my day with stank bathroom hands.

Our offices take half of the first floor and the entire second floor of our building; I was using the restroom on the first floor (the most public of the restrooms) one day when I heard someone eating chips while sitting on the seat. That was disgusting enough, but then they did something that completely fouled me out. I heard all sorts of commotion and figured out that the guy was making a sandwich in the stall. I saw a sliced meat package drop then I heard the sound of a ketchup or mustard bottle being squeezed.

:Lin: :Lin: :Lin:

ROFL :Lin: ROFL :Lin:ROFL

Iowanian
02-03-2005, 04:02 PM
what a unique topic....

Lzen
02-03-2005, 04:04 PM
I never understood taking reading material into the restroom. Get in, get it done, and get out.

There was a guy who I used to work with who would bring his mail with him and lay it on the floor. He would read one letter, put it down, pick another one up off of the floor, read it grab another one. Then he would take off without washing his hands. Iím a freak about washing my hands after using a public restroom, I couldnít imagine touching the floor and spending the rest of my day with stank bathroom hands.

Our offices take half of the first floor and the entire second floor of our building; I was using the restroom on the first floor (the most public of the restrooms) one day when I heard someone eating chips while sitting on the seat. That was disgusting enough, but then they did something that completely fouled me out. I heard all sorts of commotion and figured out that the guy was making a sandwich in the stall. I saw a sliced meat package drop then I heard the sound of a ketchup or mustard bottle being squeezed.

:Lin: :Lin: :Lin:


OMG :Lin:

Skip Towne
02-03-2005, 04:59 PM
Nothing like a good poop thread. Now I don't have to eat supper. I lost my appetite.

PastorMikH
02-03-2005, 05:26 PM
I usualy try to avoid such things at work for two reasons. First, the house is about 50 yards away. Secondly, the stinkin' handicap toilet is too tall and it's uncomfortable with my feet dangling in the air like they did when I was 5.

Fat Elvis
02-03-2005, 05:47 PM
I work at home. There is no glory pooping in your own home.

I go to Best Buy or something if I want to poop in public.

ENDelt260
02-03-2005, 05:49 PM
There is no glory pooping in your own home.

That all depends on how long you've been constipated.

ArrowheadChief
02-03-2005, 06:11 PM
Here at my work there's a bathroom upstairs that noone really uses anymore. So instead of using the employee bathroom, that's sometimes gross, I was the forgotten one.

Count Alex's Losses
02-03-2005, 06:14 PM
I'm a speed shitter. I've mastered the art of getting myself to the peak of percolation and then dropping it fast enough that the casual observer would never know what I've done in there.

45 seconds max.

You gotta watch it man. Pace yourself. You don't want to blow out an O-Ring.

Nzoner
02-03-2005, 06:30 PM
I'm in outside sales so if the need arises I would have to use one of numerous clients toilets,however,there's only a couple that I actually go to since a day about 10 years ago when I was making a cold call and asked to use the guy's restroom.

I've told the story here before so I'll just say after walking across a busy street with a plunger in hand I vowed to never use a potential client's toilet again.

Saulbadguy
02-03-2005, 06:37 PM
I shit on my boss's desk.

dirk digler
02-03-2005, 06:53 PM
I love the bathroom where I work. It is a single bathroom for the men you just go in and lock the door and you can be as noisy as possible.
The women on the other hand share a bathroom which I wouldn't like.

Inspector
02-03-2005, 08:31 PM
I never understood taking reading material into the restroom. Get in, get it done, and get out.

There was a guy who I used to work with who would bring his mail with him and lay it on the floor. He would read one letter, put it down, pick another one up off of the floor, read it grab another one. Then he would take off without washing his hands. Iím a freak about washing my hands after using a public restroom, I couldnít imagine touching the floor and spending the rest of my day with stank bathroom hands.

Our offices take half of the first floor and the entire second floor of our building; I was using the restroom on the first floor (the most public of the restrooms) one day when I heard someone eating chips while sitting on the seat. That was disgusting enough, but then they did something that completely fouled me out. I heard all sorts of commotion and figured out that the guy was making a sandwich in the stall. I saw a sliced meat package drop then I heard the sound of a ketchup or mustard bottle being squeezed.

:Lin: :Lin: :Lin:


Just realized it's time for dinner.

Mmmm, having brownies and chocolate milk for dessert.

Oh, and that wasn't a ketchup bottle making that squirting noise........

Hoover
02-03-2005, 09:12 PM
I have one employee who is in there for like a half an hour, the problem is I always have to go so I pound on the door so who knows who is outside, then I use the ladies restroom. Before you go off we have two private restrooms.

Skip Towne
02-03-2005, 09:18 PM
I have one employee who is in there for like a half an hour, the problem is I always have to go so I pound on the door so who knows who is outside, then I use the ladies restroom. Before you go off we have two private restrooms.
That'll learn ya to hire those incontinent old women. No wonder you don't pay them.

ChiTown
02-03-2005, 10:53 PM
When I was a corporate slug like you, I used to crop dust from my desk all the way across the office to the hallway door. I wanted everyone to know that I was on the verge of greatness..............

Phobia
02-03-2005, 11:02 PM
Here at my work there's a bathroom upstairs that noone really uses anymore. So instead of using the employee bathroom, that's sometimes gross, I was the forgotten one.

I heard the co-ed bathroom at your wife's work has large stalls.

I'm not helping anything, am I?

Hoover
02-03-2005, 11:04 PM
um it was a dude