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View Full Version : Give your best Carl Peterson recruiting talk here.


Rain Man
03-03-2005, 06:11 PM
Pretend that you're Carl Peterson, and you've got hotshot free agent defensive guy Tymaririck LaRolltain sitting in your office with a blonde on one arm and an agent on the other, fresh from his purple limo ride to the adult emporium. It's your job to convince him, in 50 words or less, to sign with Kansas City.

Here's my pitch.


"Tymaririck, You'll have the opportunity here to make 200 tackles, since no one else here can tackle. Your competition for team defensive MVP is Eric Hicks and Kawika Mitchell. You'll probably be team captain, and you'll be a hero if we yield less than 30 points per game. Deal?"

Phobia
03-03-2005, 06:14 PM
Tymaririck,
I'ma get you a new name and buy yo mama a new house. You get first crack at all the Arrowhead ho's. Finally, you can have a bunch of this money but I'm one tough SOB negotiator.

Nightfyre
03-03-2005, 06:15 PM
$$$$$$$$$$$

jspchief
03-03-2005, 06:16 PM
We'll let you compete against Bartee for a starting spot...

Can't believe this one wasn't taken yet.

Ultra Peanut
03-03-2005, 06:16 PM
Sit the **** down and shut the **** up.

ChiefsFire
03-03-2005, 06:16 PM
Tymaririck...all the bbq ya can eat....and full use of my semi hot wife....we gotta deal??!??

Spicy McHaggis
03-03-2005, 06:24 PM
If you don't sign this it will make me angry. You...wouldn't like me when I'm angry...

HemiEd
03-03-2005, 06:32 PM
Tymaririck if you are half as fast or half as good as I think you are you will become a defensive legend on the Planet and start with a 40000 post count. Now sit down and sign, or if you aint going to sign get the f#ck out of my office, others are waiting.

big nasty kcnut
03-03-2005, 06:33 PM
Sign and you get free porn. Plus you get to shake the hand of george brett.

siberian khatru
03-03-2005, 06:35 PM
"Sign here and I'll let you wear my kilt."

keg in kc
03-03-2005, 06:54 PM
Sign with the Chiefs, bitch, or I'll give warpaint99 your address and a bottle of vaseline.

milkman
03-03-2005, 07:12 PM
Sign with us, and the fans will treat you like a king.

No.....wait, get the **** out of my office.
I'm the only ****in' king in this town.

Saulbadguy
03-03-2005, 07:13 PM
"Keep your hands off my daughter."

keg in kc
03-03-2005, 07:17 PM
"Keep your hands off my daughter."...unless I can cut a few million off the bonus.

Bowser
03-03-2005, 07:22 PM
Sign and you get free porn. Plus you get to shake the hand of george brett.

Hopefully with the opposite hand.

cdcox
03-03-2005, 07:35 PM
"Tymaririck, this is a wonderful opportunity for you to join our football organization. You are well aware of the many outstanding accomplishments of the Kansas City Chiefs over the years. I don't have to tell you that out organization is one of the most consistently competetive in the National Football League. Unfortunately, I can't look beyond February 2006 because of the situation with my own contract."

Spott
03-03-2005, 07:42 PM
Whatever everyone else is offering you, I'll offer you half. I'm only letting you visit the stadium to give the appearance to the fans that I actually care about winning. As long as we keep selling out every game and raising ticket prices every year, I could really care less about winning.

Bowser
03-03-2005, 07:43 PM
Whatever everyone else is offering you, I'll offer you half. I'm only letting you visit the stadium to give the appearance to the fans that I actually care about winning. As long as we keep selling out every game with higher ticket prices, I could really care less about winning.

ROFL
You forgot "...now **** off."

gblowfish
03-03-2005, 08:22 PM
Sit the **** down and shut the **** up.Carl only uses this insightful, well measured negotiating ploy on devout mormons... ROFL

Cochise
03-03-2005, 08:25 PM
In Kansas City, you can get as many DWI's you want and we'll still start you.

ChiefsCountry
03-03-2005, 08:28 PM
Dick will cry with you each night. Added bonus - he might give you some of his famous Napa Valley wine.

Spott
03-03-2005, 08:29 PM
In Kansas City, you can get as many DWI's you want and we'll still start you.

The Rams are a little more lenient. You can get all the DWI's you want and kill people in the process, and still get to start.

Wallcrawler
03-03-2005, 09:15 PM
Dont know about 50 words or less, but here's my best crack at Carl.



Tymaririck, as you know, the Kansas City Chiefs currently have the worst defense in the league, and help is desperately needed. However, we arent really interested in making a championship run, and you will be our only free agent that we pursue, to make it seem to the fans that we are actually trying to get better as a team. You should know up front, that just as the strength of a solitary brick will not save a poorly built structure, your performances, however stellar, will make very little difference as to the outcome of our defensive rankings. That of course only applies if you are able to win the starting job from one of our illustrious defenders that we are currently starting now.


Im well aware that my reputation as a frugal General Manager precedes me, and that my past history with the offseason has not been good, but I still maintain the same philosophy. I dont mind the criticism though, the fans are still buying up the season tickets and selling out the stadium, while we raise ticket prices every season. Heh. They're so gullible. As the late Douglas Adams said: "You live and learn. At any rate, you live." It could not be more true than in the case of the fanbase of the Kansas City Chiefs.


Now, lets discuss the contract shall we? Right here I see that we could easily fit you under the cap here with your current salary demands, but if I were to give you this deal, I wouldnt feel right. This number is too high for us right now. You will have to come down on your asking price. Something in the price range equivalent to that of an indentured servant. Im well aware that this move could cost this organization a chance to sign you, but I never let a good idea interrupt the flow of my negotiations. Making sense isn't my area of expertise, making a profit off of our overly loyal fans is what I do, and Ive been doing it well for fifteen years. Im not about to stop now. So you will either have to come down on your demands, or we will have to pass on acquiring your oustanding talents.



Well, it seems that your agent thinks that Im bluffing, and will eventually cave in to your outrageous demands. If that contract offer was intended as a joke, you forgot to include the punch line. You act as if you should be paid for being a top talent at your position. If you think that Im actually going to give you the money you deserve, you must have a very large brain to hold such a vast amount of sheer ignorance. The all star players we have on the offense play hell getting paid their dues, youre just someone coming in for a tour. You bring to mind a quote from Josh Billing: "Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair." There is no way that youre getting the contract you deserve. Not on Carl Peterson's watch. No way in hell. Clearly, you have lost your fingertip grip on reality and have descended into an abyss of irreversible lunacy.


In conclusion, thank you. We were all refreshed and challenged by you and your agent's unique point of view about how much money you should get. It is duly noted, and overruled. Now get the F*** out of here!