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Rain Man
04-04-2005, 06:58 PM
You're in a 7/11 when a fellow asks you to hand him a pick of Ding Dongs from the Hostess shelf. You do so, unwittingly aiding a desperate criminal who has only a liberal arts degree and no backup career plan.

You walk with him to the counter, where he pulls out a Rocket Propelled Grenade launcher and robs the counter clerk, who incidentally is wearing a tight top that really accentuates her figure. The criminal history major grabs you, tosses you into the car, and makes you drive while he gnoshes down on the Ding Dongs and Home Run Pies that were an unexpected part of his booty.

The police give chase, and your instincts as a street racer take over, primarily because there's a gun at your head being wielded by a sugar-saturated person who cannot find a good societal purpose for his thesis on medieval street festival events. You speed down the street, narrowly missing a woman standing on the sidewalk, before being brought to a halt by NFL cornerbacks Ty Law and Patrick Surtain. Because the police don't know you (and perhaps because you're a minority), the police arrest you along with the perp.

At trial, the 7-11's video cameras convince the jury that you were part of the heist, and on the basis of the fact that you had a philosophy major in college and are therefore unemployable, you're convicted and sentenced to 30 years in prison.

Fortunately, you do not have a cute derriere, so your prison life is free of "playing house" with larger inmates. You get a job stirring the chili in the prison cafeteria, and spend most of your time watching daytime television other than that one incident in the weight room that was broken up before they could get the dumbbell completely in your mouth.

On your 365th day in the slammer, the finely chiseled counter clerk returns from a vacation on a topless cruise to Aruba, where she had recovered a lost memory whilst being hypnotized by Jeff the Wonder Hypnotist. She goes to the police and informs them that the criminal history major had entered separately and keyed your car on his way in since you had inadvertently taken the parking spot that he preferred. Her story is believable despite the fact that she tweaks her pert left nipple every time a bell rings, and you are set free.

Due to intense public pressure by the ACLU and The Birch Society, the government decides to compensate you for your lost year. What is the least amount of money that would make up for this ordeal?

|Zach|
04-04-2005, 06:59 PM
I want a nice dinner at Capital Grille on the plaza.

Yum... :)

ENDelt260
04-04-2005, 07:00 PM
unwittingly aiding a desperate criminal who has only a liberal arts degree and no backup career plan.

ROFL Bwahahahahaha!!

Cochise
04-04-2005, 07:08 PM
You're in a 7/11 when a fellow asks you to hand him a pick of Ding Dongs from the Hostess shelf. You do so, unwittingly aiding a desperate criminal who has only a liberal arts degree and no backup career plan.

This is ridiculous. The guy behind the counter is the one with the liberal arts degree. At least the criminal has ambition.

CosmicPal
04-04-2005, 07:12 PM
I'm sure gochiefs would love nothing more than to have a bell to ring so he can sit there all day and watch her tweak her nipples.

Warrior5
04-04-2005, 07:14 PM
I'd like to buy a vowel.

Wait...um, this situation is completely unrealistic.

The only way Ty Law could stop my car is if he threw his wheelchair in front of it.


You thought I wouldn't catch that, did you?

Count Alex's Losses
04-04-2005, 07:17 PM
I'm sure gochiefs would love nothing more than to have a bell to ring so he can sit there all day and watch her tweak her nipples.

Eh.

ENDelt260
04-04-2005, 07:20 PM
I'm sure gochiefs would love nothing more than to have a bell to ring so he can sit there all day and watch her tweak her nipples.

That sounds like a pretty good day to me.

keg in kc
04-04-2005, 07:24 PM
You do so, unwittingly aiding a desperate criminal who has only a liberal arts degree and no backup career plan.So...I, uh, just handed myself a Hostess Ding Dong?

ENDelt260
04-04-2005, 07:25 PM
So...I, uh, just handed myself a Hostess Ding Dong?
Was this before or after you turned yourself into a chick?

CosmicPal
04-04-2005, 07:25 PM
So...I, uh, just handed myself a Hostess Ding Dong?

He meant to say, you just handed the hostess your ding dong.

keg in kc
04-04-2005, 07:27 PM
Was this before or after you turned yourself into a chick?I don't know. Kevin didn't cover that.

Rain Man
04-04-2005, 07:38 PM
I don't know. Kevin didn't cover that.

I believe that this is addressed with the "no cute derriere" declaration.

ENDelt260
04-04-2005, 07:46 PM
I believe that this is addressed with the "no cute derriere" declaration.
But, wait, if keg turns himself into a woman before the crime... he'll go to a women's prison. This changes everything.

keg in kc
04-04-2005, 07:48 PM
But, wait, if keg turns himself into a woman before the crime... he'll go to a women's prison. This changes everything.You know, you're right. I've seen Chained Heat. Hot girls in prison. :hmmm:

Rain Man
04-04-2005, 07:49 PM
But, wait, if keg turns himself into a woman before the crime... he'll go to a women's prison. This changes everything.


Whoa. My mind is reeling at the possibilities. Or maybe it's just the six Hostess Ding Dongs that I've eaten in the past hour. Either way, though, this could be a loophole that would negate the whole crime/punishment model. This concept could fundamentally alter our society.

keg in kc
04-04-2005, 07:49 PM
Rain Man's swallowed six ding dongs in the last hour

Rain Man
04-04-2005, 07:58 PM
Rain Man's swallowed six ding dongs in the last hour


As if you don't enjoy that creamy middle yourself.


Wait - that didn't come out right.

keg in kc
04-04-2005, 08:01 PM
As if you don't enjoy that creamy middle yourself.


Wait - that didn't come out right.Lemme guess, hit yourself in the eye?

Saulbadguy
04-04-2005, 08:03 PM
At least 5 million.

The Pedestrian
04-04-2005, 08:50 PM
Just to smack the ACLU in the face with my decision, I'm gonna say no compensation.

trndobrd
04-04-2005, 08:56 PM
I want at least $1 mill AND the clerk, having been very naughty for not remembering, must come by my house for a spanking.

|Zach|
04-04-2005, 09:23 PM
Just to smack the ACLU in the face with my decision, I'm gonna say no compensation.
Heh, I am sure they would be devestated.