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ENDelt260
04-06-2005, 10:25 AM
The morning guys on KUPD were talking about this on my way to work today. Unbelievable.

31 Mar 05
REMEMBER, DON”T KILL THE MESSENGER

You know the old saying, “no news is good news”, well… that was the case as far as the recording process was going for the new Tool CD, but now things may have changed a bit. Yesterday, when I went to the studio to give Maynard a bottle of wine (a 1992 Maya) for winning the bet that I had with him involving his new film “Sleeping Dogs Lie” (I lost by default, not being able to attend the Sedona screening), not only wasn’t Maynard there, but, in what seems to be a case of enantiodromia (something becoming its opposite) if ever there was one (!), I was told the reason why he wasn’t there. I wish this post was dated April 1, but, unfortunately, it isn’t. Like a doctor giving a patient a straight, honest answer to a medical diagnosis, without sugar-coating the truth, here’s exactly what I was told: “Maynard has found Jesus.” This will come as a complete shock to most (but not all) of you, as it did to me. In fact, it just seemed like another MJK prank until I talked to the one person who I believe would know if all this was legit or not. After nearly an hour on the phone with this person, the answer I received was that Maynard has indeed “found Jesus” and that, for this reason, he’s abandoned the project for the time being, if not entirely. I don’t know what the f**k is in the water these days, but hopefully a black jelly belly will turn up in that golden bowl… that’s all I can think to say at this point. Before leaving the studio, I watched as Danny made arrangements to go play some golf, while Adam and Justin kept working on a particular song. So, in case you missed it (those who don’t read the whole post), here’s today's news: Maynard has found Jesus…

http://www.toolband.com

You mean to tell me the guy who wrote Opiate is now into Jesus?

Choices always were a problem for you. What you need is someone strong to guide you. Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow, what you need is someone strong to use you.. like me, like me. If you want to get your soul to heaven, trust in me .Don't judge or question.You are broken now, but faith can heal you. Just do everything I tell you to do. Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow. Let me lay my holy hand upon you. My Gods will becomes me. When he speaks out, he speaks through me. He has needs like I do. We both want to rape you. Jesus Christ, why don't you come save my life. Open my eyes and blind me with your light and your lies.

I don't buy it.

the Talking Can
04-06-2005, 10:26 AM
jesus ruins everything....

NewChief
04-06-2005, 10:28 AM
Yeah, halfway through it I called April Fool's. Then the guy actually dismisses that in the post. Weird.

jspchief
04-06-2005, 10:29 AM
I blame the Pope.

Spott
04-06-2005, 10:29 AM
I blame Terri Schiavo.

vailpass
04-06-2005, 10:32 AM
Holmberg kicks @ss, that guy is hilarious.

Katipan
04-06-2005, 10:33 AM
You mean to tell me the guy who wrote Opiate is now into Jesus?

Why can't you love opiates and Jesus at the same time?

penguinz
04-06-2005, 10:36 AM
Do you know the lyrics to Opiate?

ENDelt260
04-06-2005, 10:36 AM
Holmberg kicks @ss, that guy is hilarious.
Yeah, it's been awhile since I listened. I got in the habit of listening to CDs in the truck all the time when I lived in Tucson. (Because the abomination known as The Frank Show made me want to drive an icepick into my ear. GOD, that show sucks.)

Cochise
04-06-2005, 10:38 AM
Interesting. More power to him, hope he finds what he is looking for.

vailpass
04-06-2005, 10:38 AM
Yeah, it's been awhile since I listened. I got in the habit of listening to CDs in the truck all the time when I lived in Tucson. (Because the abomination known as The Frank Show made me want to drive an icepick into my ear. GOD, that show sucks.)


Tucson seems to be lacking in a lot of areas unless you need a quick route to a stolen car chop shop or maybe just a good old fashioned weed hauling run.

wilas101
04-06-2005, 10:40 AM
Not only Opiate but the lyrics to Judith don't exactly read like a Hallmark best wishes card.



Oh so many ways for me to show you
How the savior has abandoned you
F*ck your God
Your Lord and your Christ
He did this
Took all you had and
Left you this way
Still you pray, you never stray
Never taste of the fruit
You never thought to question why

It's not like you killed someone
It's not like you drove a hateful spear into his side
Praise the one who left you
Broken down and paralyzed

jspchief
04-06-2005, 10:40 AM
Interesting. More power to him, hope he finds what he is looking for.

You're thinking of Bono...

ENDelt260
04-06-2005, 10:44 AM
You're thinking of Bono...
I'm ashamed of myself for laughing at that.

KCTitus
04-06-2005, 10:47 AM
Good for him...

Cochise
04-06-2005, 10:48 AM
You're thinking of Bono...

ROFL

Actually I hope Bono gets trampled by elephants while he's touring in Africa doing whatever he is usually doing there so we don't have to put up with any more overexposed crappy U2 albums :cuss:

;)

Bob Dole
04-06-2005, 10:49 AM
Last year on April 1 they posted news of the new Tool reality show.

Draw your own conclusions...

DaKCMan AP
04-06-2005, 10:49 AM
didn't this happen with a guy in korn as well?

ENDelt260
04-06-2005, 10:50 AM
Tool's Maynard James Keenan Says He's Found Jesus
04.05.2005 5:32 PM EDT

Status of Tool, A Perfect Circle unclear.

Has Maynard James Keenan, the frontman of both the dark, heavy-metal art band Tool and the somewhat lighter A Perfect Circle, found Jesus and been born again? Well ...

Recent postings on two Tool Web sites — one of them purportedly by Keenan himself — contend that the singer has found religion and has left Tool. Could this really be? On Tuesday afternoon (April 5), MTV News' Kurt Loder e-mailed Keenan for confirmation, and this is what he e-mailed back: "I did, in fact, find Jesus. More news to follow. God bless ya."

Keenan's letter to fan site toolshed.down.net explains that "some recent events have led me to the rediscovery of Jesus" and that "Tool will need to take the back seat." A posting on Tool's Web site alludes to Maynard's newfound Christianity as well, but who wrote the post is unclear. It reads, "I went to the studio to give Maynard a bottle of wine ... [and] not only wasn't Maynard there, but ... I was told Maynard has indeed 'found Jesus' and that, for this reason, he's abandoned the project for the time being, if not entirely."

But given their timing (one dated March 31, the other April 1), both posts were dismissed as April Fools' pranks, leaving fans wondering whether Keenan and the rest of Tool were just having a little fun with everyone.

The band's management could not be reached for comment or confirmation on the matter.

Keenan would be the second rocker in as many months to profess a renewed interest in religion. In late February, Korn's management formally announced that guitarist Brian "Head" Welch was leaving his band to rededicate his life to Christianity (see "Brian 'Head' Welch Talks God To 10,000 In California Church").

Whether Keenan — the man responsible for songs like "Prison Sex" and "Jerk-Off" and who for a time carried business cards with the name "Jesus H. Christ" printed on them — will become the second rocker to turn his back on a high-profile, highly successful band to follow a more spiritual path remains something of a question mark for the time being. But at least one person expressed glee over Keenan's apparent decision: Head.

"This is a beautiful, beautiful outpouring of the Holy Spirit," Welch wrote in an e-mail to MTV News.

— Chris Harris

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1499613/20050405/tool.jhtml?headlines=true

Chieficus
04-06-2005, 10:51 AM
Well, if it's true... cool...

Brian Welch from Korn did the same thing, but his conversion's a bit more verifiable, as he's been somewhat public with it...

ENDelt260
04-06-2005, 11:04 AM
[04/01/05] - Completely unexpected

I have no idea how to introduce this, so I'll just post it. This is an email Maynard (the real one) sent in moments ago:

"hi, kabir. i thought it only fair to inform you first, before you hear it second or third hand. some recent events have led me to the rediscovery of jesus. tool will need to take the back seat. this may come as a shock. i just thought you should know considering all the support you given us over the years.

all my faith. maynard."

This is an actual email from actual MJK. I was going to type up a post about how the RIAA had sent us a letter shutting down The Tool Page (as this year's annual April Fools' Day joke), but now I just don't think it seems appropriate. More on this as it develops. §

Also, the Opinion forums are down temporarily. They will return as soon as possible. §

http://toolshed.down.net/0001.html

ENDelt260
04-06-2005, 11:05 AM
Well, if it's true... cool...

Oh sure... good for him. He gets to go to heaven. What about me? What about my need for rockin' CDs?

Cochise
04-06-2005, 11:11 AM
Oh sure... good for him. He gets to go to heaven. What about me? What about my need for rockin' CDs?

I'll probably get dogpiled, but from the few I have it seems if you've got one Tool record you've got them all.

Calcountry
04-06-2005, 11:15 AM
Oh sure... good for him. He gets to go to heaven. What about me? What about my need for rockin' CDs?Have no fear, the Devil is near. He will provide you with more if you want them.

Rausch
04-06-2005, 11:17 AM
Yeah, right.

I smell an Andy Kauffman...

Wrasse
04-06-2005, 11:18 AM
I have a hard time believing it...probably because I really don't want to...

This would certainly suck.

** goes off to pray that it isn't true **

Brock
04-06-2005, 11:19 AM
Wow, some of you make me think he'd have been better off admitting to being a child molester.

ENDelt260
04-06-2005, 11:21 AM
I'll probably get dogpiled, but from the few I have it seems if you've got one Tool record you've got them all.
Screw you, cockeyes!

ENDelt260
04-06-2005, 11:22 AM
Wow, some of you make me think he'd have been better off admitting to being a child molester.
I bet that would lead to some inspired music.

KCTitus
04-06-2005, 11:26 AM
I bet that would lead to some inspired music.

It worked for Michael.....


I shouldnt have said that.

ENDelt260
04-06-2005, 11:28 AM
It worked for Michael.....

Ha.

Nah, his best stuff came before that. I guess being a child molestor is just as bad as being a Jesus freak.

Swanman
04-06-2005, 12:35 PM
I'll probably get dogpiled, but from the few I have it seems if you've got one Tool record you've got them all.

Undertow and Aenima sound somewhat similar because Tool has such a distinct sound, but Lateralus sounds much different than their other albums.

BigChiefFan
04-06-2005, 12:35 PM
Maynard is famous for putting out information, that doesn't amount to jack squat. I don't buy this one bit.

jarjar
04-06-2005, 12:37 PM
This reminds me of the troll thread last week that everyone bit on.

Kyle401
04-06-2005, 01:09 PM
I have a hard time believing it...probably because I really don't want to...

This (someone getting saved) would certainly suck.

** goes off to pray (presumably to God) that it isn't true **

Did anyone else catch the irony of this post?

Wrasse
04-06-2005, 02:23 PM
Did anyone else catch the irony of this post?
That was the point. ;) heh

Ultra Peanut
04-06-2005, 02:53 PM
“Maynard has found Jesus.” Heh. That's not something I ever imagined I'd read. ROFL

ENDelt260
04-07-2005, 12:31 AM
Haha... like you couldn't see this coming a mile away.

07 Apr 05
"Christians, huh? So forgive me." - Bill Hicks

Good news, April fools fans. The writing and recording is back under way. When approached for comment on his recent encounter with the Son of God, Maynard said, "That guy's a punk!"
As it turns out, Maynard was out "location scouting" near the Fourth Street bridge in downtown Los Angeles when he "found Jesus."
"Turns out he was here the whole time, and not that difficult to find if you know where to look," Maynard reported. Apparently Jesus offered him the position of campaign manager for his new line of "Holier Than Thou" sparkling holy water, which Maynard of course accepted. What wasn't obvious was that this guy is a total drunk. It's an occupational hazard. Every time our Lord goes to get a glass of water, it transforms into a generic grocery store Merlot. Because the alcoholic is the Son of God and an all-knowing being, he knew of Maynard’s extensive interest in collecting wine. So he went to work trying to get his lips on it. Maynard caught J.C. in his cellar transforming his precious wine collection into urine, then pissing it into the empty "sparkling holy water" bottles for the eventual sale to all those people who bought, read, and embraced "The Celestine Prophesy." Tragic.
"Truth be told," Maynard confessed, "I wasn't feeling top notch when I found him. The evening prior to the day in question I had over-indulged in a series of bad Molotov shrimp cocktails with a side of Makers Mark and twin strippers. So after an entire night of G.I. Blowouts, hot/cold sweats, and blurred vision, it's very possible that the guy I met wasn't even Jesus at all. For all I know, it was Willem Dafoe."

http://www.toolband.com

And, a Bill Hick line to boot. Nice touch... though, also, not wholly unexpected.

Rausch
04-07-2005, 12:48 AM
Haha... like you couldn't see this coming a mile away.



http://www.toolband.com

And, a Bill Hick line to boot. Nice touch... though, also, not wholly unexpected.

I'm not sure why but I'm left feeling like I did when my buddy tripped his ex and she landed face first on the pavement.

I expected a farce, but this seems like a low blow.

Oh, and as far as poking fun at religon, I watched "Saved" this weekend and loved it. Nice tapdance between pointing out the hypocricy of many a christian believer and the value of christian beliefs...

ENDelt260
04-07-2005, 12:55 AM
I expected a farce, but this seems like a low blow.

Eh, it was so far out there it didn't really make a dent. A rock star finding Jesus? Yeah, it happens. Maynard finding Jesus? C'mon. The lyrics I posted in the thread starter are but a small sample...

Taco John
04-07-2005, 01:05 AM
Did anyone else catch the irony of this post?



everybody did.

Rausch
04-07-2005, 01:09 AM
Eh, it was so far out there it didn't really make a dent. A rock star finding Jesus? Yeah, it happens. Maynard finding Jesus? C'mon. The lyrics I posted in the thread starter are but a small sample...

No, I get it. I'm as big a Maynard fan as there is. I'm no fan of the catholic church either.

Just seemed like an odd time to take a jab...

ENDelt260
04-07-2005, 01:16 AM
No, I get it. I'm as big a Maynard fan as there is. I'm no fan of the catholic church either.

Just seemed like an odd time to take a jab...
Oh, I see where you're coming from now.

I suppose he could've thought of two AF jokes ahead of time just in case something tragic happened to the church on April 1... but, that might suggest he had some respect for the church.

Ultra Peanut
04-07-2005, 04:31 AM
If people weren't still talking about it, I'd have forgotten about the Pope dying a few days ago.

KcMizzou
04-07-2005, 04:52 AM
I bet that would lead to some inspired music. I worked for Mj....

Ultra Peanut
04-07-2005, 04:54 AM
I worked for Mj....Whoa, deja vu.

cadmonkey
04-07-2005, 07:00 AM
I am willing to bet this is a joke. I think they are poking fun at Korn, Brian "Head" Welch left the band to find Jesus a month ago.

cadmonkey
04-07-2005, 07:04 AM
Just as I thought:

http://www.toolband.com/index_frames.html (http://)

"Christians, huh? So forgive me." - Bill Hicks
Good news, April fools fans. The writing and recording is back under way. When approached for comment on his recent encounter with the Son of God, Maynard said, "That guy's a punk!"
As it turns out, Maynard was out "location scouting" near the Fourth Street bridge in downtown Los Angeles when he "found Jesus."
"Turns out he was here the whole time, and not that difficult to find if you know where to look," Maynard reported. Apparently Jesus offered him the position of campaign manager for his new line of "Holier Than Thou" sparkling holy water, which Maynard of course accepted. What wasn't obvious was that this guy is a total drunk. It's an occupational hazard. Every time our Lord goes to get a glass of water, it transforms into a generic grocery store Merlot. Because the alcoholic is the Son of God and an all-knowing being, he knew of Maynard’s extensive interest in collecting wine. So he went to work trying to get his lips on it. Maynard caught J.C. in his cellar transforming his precious wine collection into urine, then pissing it into the empty "sparkling holy water" bottles for the eventual sale to all those people who bought, read, and embraced "The Celestine Prophesy." Tragic.
"Truth be told," Maynard confessed, "I wasn't feeling top notch when I found him. The evening prior to the day in question I had over-indulged in a series of bad Molotov shrimp cocktails with a side of Makers Mark and twin strippers. So after an entire night of G.I. Blowouts, hot/cold sweats, and blurred vision, it's very possible that the guy I met wasn't even Jesus at all. For all I know, it was Willem Dafoe."

NewChief
04-07-2005, 07:10 AM
Just as I thought:

http://www.toolband.com/index_frames.html (http://)


I don't think it should qualify as an April Fool's Day joke if, during the course of the joke, you make reference to the fact that it's April 1st.

cadmonkey
04-07-2005, 07:14 AM
I don't think it should qualify as an April Fool's Day joke if, during the course of the joke, you make reference to the fact that it's April 1st.


The best April Fools jokes are the one you are not expecting. Some that go on for days fall into that catagory. This being one of them......and Maynard is a sck f*cker, so he'd have it go one until he was about to become ordaned as a minister before saying April Fool's.

ENDelt260
04-07-2005, 08:11 AM
Way to read the thread there, cadmonkey.