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View Full Version : I think there might be bears in my back yard.


Rain Man
04-13-2005, 09:51 AM
Last night, my wife came to me and said that she's seeing "bear spots" in our yard. She took me outside and, lo and behold, there are several places in the yard where all the grass is gone, presumably the result of bears rolling around or something.

(By the way, I don't know much about bear behavior, but I did notice that they must seem to like the spots in our yard that get the most sun. So be careful if you're in a sunny area.)

Now I'm afraid to go outside. My wife says that she can call a company to take care of the bear spots, but that's not going to fix the core problem of bears rolling around outside just feet from my house. My wife thinks this isn't a big deal, but I'm worried. Any suggestions?

Braincase
04-13-2005, 09:53 AM
When they start doing the Superbowl Shuffle, call Civil Defense.

Pennywise
04-13-2005, 09:54 AM
Just camp out tonight, and if one shows up, run up behind him scare him away with one of those really loud airhorns.

RINGLEADER
04-13-2005, 10:01 AM
Who the heck do you think you are? Tony Soprano?

NewChief
04-13-2005, 10:01 AM
Bears get really bad around Denver this time of the year. They even saw one at Elitch Gardens once! They're coming out of hibernation hungry. I bet he's feasting in your garbage and then rolling around afterwards to aid digestion. Tell your wife you need to invest in some bear traps.

jcroft
04-13-2005, 10:02 AM
Where do you live?

Bowser
04-13-2005, 10:02 AM
Time to give Bwana a call.

the Talking Can
04-13-2005, 10:02 AM
reason with them....

ChiefsCountry
04-13-2005, 10:02 AM
30.06 to the head would do the trick.

Bowser
04-13-2005, 10:03 AM
Just camp out tonight, and if one shows up, run up behind him scare him away with one of those really loud airhorns.

ROFL

Amnorix
04-13-2005, 10:03 AM
Dunno. Looks like penguins have one approach to getting rid of annoying bears that are hanging around. Might wnat to give it a shot...

http://www.abhats.com/Penguin%20polar%20bear%20symbols.jpg

Phobia
04-13-2005, 10:06 AM
Didn't you recently have an issue with a female bare through the window across the street? I think you need to move, but that's just me.

Rain Man
04-13-2005, 10:07 AM
Where do you live?

Denver.

CHIEF4EVER
04-13-2005, 10:10 AM
Dunno. Looks like penguins have one approach to getting rid of annoying bears that are hanging around. Might wnat to give it a shot...

http://www.abhats.com/Penguin%20polar%20bear%20symbols.jpg

ROFL Rep comin your way.

wilas101
04-13-2005, 10:12 AM
I hear they don't like being poked with sharp sticks. you might try that.

CHIEF4EVER
04-13-2005, 10:14 AM
I hear swattin em on the nose with a flyswatter works pretty well.

RaiderH8r
04-13-2005, 10:15 AM
Crap in his rolling spot.

jcroft
04-13-2005, 10:19 AM
Denver.

Bears are definitely not my area of expertise, but I highly doubt there are a lot of bears in Denver. Most of the bears I know are not city folk.

AirForceChief
04-13-2005, 10:19 AM
We had them in our back yard in Colorado Springs. They loved to bring our neighbor's trash into our back yard a pick through it. Black bears. About the size of very large dogs. So long as they weren't with their young they didn't pose much of a risk to humans. Our pomeranians on the other hand looked like snack food...

By the way, the bear's favorite food: Baby poop (from diapers)...together now: eeeewwwwww.

cadmonkey
04-13-2005, 10:22 AM
Leave a Unicycle out there tonight, if he hops on it and starts riding call the circus. You my friend have just struck gold!

jcroft
04-13-2005, 10:24 AM
If, as AirForceChiefs says, the type of bears in your area are Black Bears, they don't pose much of a threat to you. While they are omnivores, they are generally not very predatory -- they eat mostly insects, nuts, small fruit, etc.

If you really think there's a possibility you have them hanging around, I'd call your local ranger or wildlife organization and see what they suggest.

trndobrd
04-13-2005, 10:24 AM
Leave a Unicycle out there tonight, if he hops on it and starts riding call the circus. You my friend have just struck gold!


That might also solve the bicycle mystery.

Rain Man
04-13-2005, 10:25 AM
If, as AirForceChiefs says, the type of bears in your area are Black Bears, they don't pose much of a threat to you. While they are omnivores, they are generally not very predatory -- they eat mostly insects, nuts, small fruit, etc.

If you really think there's a possibility you have them hanging around, I'd call your local ranger or wildlife organization and see what they suggest.


I love this place.

Rain Man
04-13-2005, 10:26 AM
That might also solve the bicycle mystery.


So bears take drugs? Man, there's so much that I don't know.

Bwana
04-13-2005, 10:26 AM
Turn him into a rug.

NewChief
04-13-2005, 10:29 AM
I love this place.

No doubt. This thread is making me want to come up with CP archetypes. A few I've witnessed in this thread:

1. The Comedian.
2. The Asshole
3. The Helpful Advice Giver
4. The Derailer

jcroft
04-13-2005, 10:30 AM
No doubt. This thread is making me want to come up with CP archetypes. A few I've witnessed in this thread:

1. The Comedian.
2. The Asshole
3. The Helpful Advice Giver
4. The Derailer

I believe I fall in all categories. I seem to be especially good at derailing, though.

Rain Man
04-13-2005, 10:30 AM
I'm more worried than ever now that I know they eat nuts.

jcroft
04-13-2005, 10:31 AM
I'm more worried than ever now that I know they eat nuts.

Haha. :)

Phobia
04-13-2005, 10:31 AM
Are you sure it's not a Shaq?

Bowser
04-13-2005, 10:32 AM
Are you sure it's not a Shaq?

What the hell is that thing? Looks like a grizzly had its way with a Saint Bernard!

gblowfish
04-13-2005, 10:34 AM
Do you have woods behind your house? Look for bear shit....there's your answer!

Bwana
04-13-2005, 10:34 AM
What the hell is that thing? Looks like a grizzly had its way with a Saint Bernard!

That is a REAL picture. :shake: It is one big ass bear.

NewChief
04-13-2005, 10:34 AM
Are you sure it's not a Shaq?

Ooo! I read about that thing. It charged that dude and he killed it. When they cut it open, they found the remains of some campers in it.

jcroft
04-13-2005, 10:36 AM
That is a REAL picture. :shake: It is one big ass bear.

I remember reading about it on snopes.com. Can't remember if the picture is real or not, but the story that goes along with it (that that dude killed the Grizzly) definitely is NOT true.

Frazod
04-13-2005, 10:37 AM
Invite Elway over for dinner. Pour some honey on his head and then shove him out the back door.

:evil:

wilas101
04-13-2005, 10:37 AM
I'd buy a bigger bear and put him in my backyard.

or a fence.

I guess the fence is probably the safer solution but a bigger bear could prove interesting.

jcroft
04-13-2005, 10:38 AM
Actually, i take it back -- snopes.com says that story about the guy killing the Grizzly IS true:

http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/bearhunt.asp

NewChief
04-13-2005, 10:39 AM
I remember reading about it on snopes.com. Can't remember if the picture is real or not, but the story that goes along with it (that that dude killed the Grizzly) definitely is NOT true.

Liar! Here's the pictures of the remains they pulled out of his stomach (warning, pretty gross).

Oh damnit, nevermind. You've ruined my fun by posting the snopes link.

jcroft
04-13-2005, 10:40 AM
Liar! Here's the pictures of the remains they pulled out of his stomach (warning, pretty gross).

Oh damnit, nevermind. You've ruined my fun by posting the snopes link.

Nice try. ;)

wilas101
04-13-2005, 10:42 AM
That guy in the snopes picture looks like Keanu Reeves.

"So you're telling me I can dodge bears?"
"I'm telling you when you're ready, you won't have to."

Rain Man
04-13-2005, 10:42 AM
These are all good suggestions so far. My wife seems to think the problem can be solved by just spreading a bunch of fertilizer around, but come on. These are bears we're talking about.

I'm thinking maybe a rhino. I'll bet bears hate rhinos.

Skip Towne
04-13-2005, 10:43 AM
If it turns out they are Chicago Bears just call the NFL.

jcroft
04-13-2005, 10:43 AM
These are all good suggestions so far. My wife seems to think the problem can be solved by just spreading a bunch of fertilizer around, but come on. These are bears we're talking about.

I'm thinking maybe a rhino. I'll bet bears hate rhinos.

Haha.

Phobia
04-13-2005, 10:44 AM
My apologies for that picture. I thought it was one I had edited Shaq's face onto. I can't locate that one so my joke was pretty lame - like most of my jokes, actually.

Amnorix
04-13-2005, 10:46 AM
My apologies for that picture. I thought it was one I had edited Shaq's face onto. I can't locate that one so my joke was pretty lame - like most of my jokes, actually.

You'll noticed nobody commented because it was pretty much par for the course for you. :shrug:















:p

NewChief
04-13-2005, 10:48 AM
My apologies for that picture. I thought it was one I had edited Shaq's face onto. I can't locate that one so my joke was pretty lame - like most of my jokes, actually.

You should have put in a butt-kissing clause in your negotiations with Kyle.

*All posters will laugh at Phobia's jokes and respect his authority as a part-owner of the Planet

trndobrd
04-13-2005, 10:49 AM
So bears take drugs? Man, there's so much that I don't know.


Another Junkie... :shake:

Bowser
04-13-2005, 10:49 AM
These are all good suggestions so far. My wife seems to think the problem can be solved by just spreading a bunch of fertilizer around, but come on. These are bears we're talking about.

I'm thinking maybe a rhino. I'll bet bears hate rhinos.

There you have it! Get the rhino, set the bear on fire, and the rhino will kill it by stomping out the fire!

And you thought you had a crisis on your hands. Pffft!

Rain Man
04-13-2005, 10:53 AM
My apologies for that picture. I thought it was one I had edited Shaq's face onto. I can't locate that one so my joke was pretty lame - like most of my jokes, actually.


I just assumed it was a prelude to another one of your racist diatribes.

Phobia
04-13-2005, 10:55 AM
I just assumed it was a prelude to another one of your racist diatribes.

It's not really racist until I paste the face of Rosie O'Donnell onto the head of a Polar Bear.

Otter
04-13-2005, 12:32 PM
Bears get really bad around Denver this time of the year. They even saw one at Elitch Gardens once! They're coming out of hibernation hungry. I bet he's feasting in your garbage and then rolling around afterwards to aid digestion. Tell your wife you need to invest in some bear traps.

If I somehow manage to miss the thread that details how Rain Man dealt with pissed off bear caught in a trap in his back yard before leaving for work please someone call or email me.

chiefs4me
04-13-2005, 12:36 PM
Oh you lucky man to have them right in your backyard.....please leave some honey out for them. They have been sleeping all winter long and they need to get their energy back......

NewChief
04-13-2005, 12:42 PM
If I somehow manage to miss the thread that details how Rain Man dealt with pissed off bear caught in a trap in his back yard before leaving for work please someone call or email me.

From http://www.bigbeartrap.com

Making a humane bear trap:

Think fly paper, only bigger.

Material List:
1. Invest in one of those big blue tarps from Wal-Mart
2. Multi-gallon container of super glue.
3. Gallon of honey.

Directions:
Spread out tarp over "bear spot." Quickly spread super glue onto tarp. This step must be done quickly so super glue does not set. Quickly spread honey over super glue. The honey's purpose is two-fold: 1) it serves as an attractant to the bear, 2) the super glue will not set when it's covered with a layer of honey.

Step back and wait for bear to become trapped on tarp. Call your local bear rescue when you've trapped the bear.

bogie
04-13-2005, 12:45 PM
Dig a deep hole and fill it with ashes. When the bear comes up, sneak up behind him and kick him in the ash hole. I know it's old but I like it.

Mark M
04-13-2005, 01:20 PM
http://www.bowhunting.net/susieq/bear.html

MM
~~:D

bogie
04-13-2005, 01:52 PM
http://www.bowhunting.net/susieq/bear.html

MM
~~:D

My mouth is watering.

JimNasium
04-13-2005, 02:01 PM
I think some of the folks on the bored could use some bare shit repellent.

Calcountry
04-13-2005, 02:08 PM
Last night, my wife came to me and said that she's seeing "bear spots" in our yard. She took me outside and, lo and behold, there are several places in the yard where all the grass is gone, presumably the result of bears rolling around or something.

(By the way, I don't know much about bear behavior, but I did notice that they must seem to like the spots in our yard that get the most sun. So be careful if you're in a sunny area.)

Now I'm afraid to go outside. My wife says that she can call a company to take care of the bear spots, but that's not going to fix the core problem of bears rolling around outside just feet from my house. My wife thinks this isn't a big deal, but I'm worried. Any suggestions?Kill them immediately.

ZootedGranny
04-13-2005, 02:12 PM
NewChiefs first post becomes a lot funnier when you think of the gay slang reference for "bear."

JimNasium
04-13-2005, 02:15 PM
NewChiefs first post becomes a lot funnier when you think of the gay slang reference for "bear."
ROFL Denverchief?

ENDelt260
04-13-2005, 02:54 PM
Oh man, this thread is great on so many levels.

Rain Man
04-13-2005, 02:54 PM
Kill them immediately.

Sometimes I wonder how good a pet store owner you really are.

NewChief
04-13-2005, 02:58 PM
Sometimes I wonder how good a pet store owner you really are.

I thought he raised rabbits for food and mice and crap for people to feed to snakes. Sort of a :evil: pet store owner.

CosmicPal
04-13-2005, 03:17 PM
I highly doubt these are bears you are talking about, Kev.

C'mon- you are in the middle of the city. How do you think a bear is going to make it to your backyard without being noticed. You think the bear put on a clown suit and walked on it's hind legs for say, oh, uhm, 20 or 30 miles into town? And I don't buy the fact the bear rode in on a unicycle either.

Now, it may have fallen out of the back of a truck carrying circus animals, but I haven't heard anything about a missing bear in the Denver news.

So, I think you're getting up in the middle of the night, putting on your fake bear suit and rolling around in the backyard during one of your sleepwalking episodes. You've had a strange fascination with putting honey on everything lately and now you're experiencing these bear-like symptoms.

Otherwise, it's more likely to be a UFO that landed in your yard. That makes more sense.

Rain Man
04-13-2005, 03:54 PM
I know it seems preposterous, but my wife showed me the bear spots in the lawn. I saw them with my own two eyes.

bogie
04-13-2005, 04:23 PM
I know it seems preposterous, but my wife showed me the bear spots in the lawn. I saw them with my own two eyes.

Your dogs need to find another place to pee.

Rain Man
04-13-2005, 04:26 PM
There you have it! Get the rhino, set the bear on fire, and the rhino will kill it by stomping out the fire!

And you thought you had a crisis on your hands. Pffft!


The rhino: nature's fireman.

JimNasium
04-13-2005, 04:41 PM
Your dogs need to find another place to pee.
I think this actually has more to do with the cultish behavior of his cats. They have their very own Egyptian god afterall.

Calcountry
04-13-2005, 04:58 PM
Sometimes I wonder how good a pet store owner you really are.ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL

Hehehehehehhehh. Well, I am more of a FEED STORE at heart, but the town changed so we emphasise a lot of pet stuff.

Calcountry
04-13-2005, 05:01 PM
I thought he raised rabbits for food and mice and crap for people to feed to snakes. Sort of a :evil: pet store owner.There you go.

But I am discreet about the rats, I hide them in the back of the store in the dimly lit corner, almost like selling porn. :p

Keeps the pet loving clientelle in the dark. All the rats come up to the cash register already bagged and tagged.

NewChief
04-13-2005, 05:03 PM
ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL

Hehehehehehhehh. Well, I am more of a FEED STORE at heart, but the town changed so we emphasise a lot of pet stuff.


I told you he was only interested in raising animals, or "pets", as things to eat. He sells gerbils to snakeowners, rabbits to some frou frou Kalifornian restaurant, and cats to the Vietnamese restaurant down the street.

That's what he means when he says "feed store."

Calcountry
04-13-2005, 05:08 PM
I told you he was only interested in raising animals, or "pets", as things to eat. He sells gerbils to snakeowners, rabbits to some frou frou Kalifornian restaurant, and cats to the Vietnamese restaurant down the street.

That's what he means when he says "feed store."I am the kind of pet store that stays in business.

I use to sell discount cigarettes out of my shop, right along with bird seed, dog food, and other such stuff.

I run my store business first, pet second so whatever generates foot traffic and turns the buck.

Animals are here for humans to steward and if the Bear is infringing on your teritory, you need to take it out before something or God forbid someone gets hurt.

Dig a big trench with a back hoe, shoot it, and bury the fugger and don't tell anyone.

NewChief
04-13-2005, 05:11 PM
I am the kind of pet store that stays in business.

I use to sell discount cigarettes out of my shop, right along with bird seed, dog food, and other such stuff.

I run my store business first, pet second so whatever generates foot traffic and turns the buck.

Animals are here for humans to steward and if the Bear is infringing on your teritory, you need to take it out before something or God forbid someone gets hurt.

Dig a big trench with a back hoe, shoot it, and bury the fugger and don't tell anyone.

I'm just fuggin with you;)

Unfortunately, I called your local PETA chapter, and they didnt' think it was so funny.

Seriously, I think it's cool that you've made a niche small business work, especially in a place as expensive to live as Cali. Props to you. :thumb:

Jenny Gump
04-13-2005, 05:19 PM
If, as AirForceChiefs says, the type of bears in your area are Black Bears, they don't pose much of a threat to you. While they are omnivores, they are generally not very predatory -- they eat mostly insects, nuts, small fruit, etc.

If you really think there's a possibility you have them hanging around, I'd call your local ranger or wildlife organization and see what they suggest.

Genous.

Calcountry
04-13-2005, 05:20 PM
I'm just fuggin with you;)

Unfortunately, I called your local PETA chapter, and they didnt' think it was so funny.

Seriously, I think it's cool that you've made a niche small business work, especially in a place as expensive to live as Cali. Props to you. :thumb:

PETA is from the Devil man. Seriously protein deprived people, it has somehow affected their thought processes.

Personally, I feel that they should be classified as a terrorist organization.

Calcountry
04-13-2005, 05:21 PM
I'm just fuggin with you;)

Unfortunately, I called your local PETA chapter, and they didnt' think it was so funny.

Seriously, I think it's cool that you've made a niche small business work, especially in a place as expensive to live as Cali. Props to you. :thumb:By the way, I am calling PETA and tell them what you are doing to that fish in your Avvy. ;)

Jenny Gump
04-13-2005, 05:25 PM
I highly doubt these are bears you are talking about, Kev.

C'mon- you are in the middle of the city. How do you think a bear is going to make it to your backyard without being noticed. You think the bear put on a clown suit and walked on it's hind legs for say, oh, uhm, 20 or 30 miles into town? And I don't buy the fact the bear rode in on a unicycle either.



You know what would be awesome? Is to dress a bear up in a bear suit, that way, when someone starts to unzip the suit, they're thinking "Heh...just a stupid bear suit....I should've known."

Then they find a real bear inside and get eaten. That would be really funny.

Rain Man
04-13-2005, 05:37 PM
You know what would be awesome? Is to dress a bear up in a bear suit, that way, when someone starts to unzip the suit, they're thinking "Heh...just a stupid bear suit....I should've known."

Then they find a real bear inside and get eaten. That would be really funny.


You really should turn your mind toward solving the secrets of the universe.

Skip Towne
04-13-2005, 05:49 PM
I think Kevin is making all this up in an attempt to boost the bear industry.

Rain Man
04-13-2005, 05:56 PM
I think Kevin is making all this up in an attempt to boost the bear industry.


Gotta stop all those Canadian imports somehow...

Skip Towne
04-13-2005, 06:00 PM
Gotta stop all those Canadian imports somehow...
Yeah, nothing worse than a glut of Canadian bears.

Hydrae
04-13-2005, 07:03 PM
You know what would be awesome? Is to dress a bear up in a bear suit, that way, when someone starts to unzip the suit, they're thinking "Heh...just a stupid bear suit....I should've known."

Then they find a real bear inside and get eaten. That would be really funny.


Are you related to Jack Handy?

mcan
04-13-2005, 07:20 PM
Oh bear spots huh...

I knew a guy who had bear spots one time. He got letter bombed a couple weeks later and died from schrapnal wounds to his FACE! UGH. It was ugly too. Open casket funeral was a bad idea.


My advice to you is to move out, get an unlisted number, and/or get a bomb sniffing dog to go through your mail. You can't be too careful and frankly I care about my Chiefsplanet bretheren, and I'd hate to see you get killed or even worse. I've gone to the liberty of calling the terrorist hotline for you already. You should be getting a visit from the FBI any day now to inspect these spots, and to offer you a great deal on a "bear spot and bomb resistant" mailbox. I already have one. Of course, after what I've been through was there ever any doubt.

Good luck man,
Mcan

BigOlChiefsfan
04-13-2005, 07:48 PM
I think you should set out food for the bears and then when any show up to be fed, give them guns and knives. As an American we all have a right to keep and arm bears.

When you feed those hairy rascals, make sure it's a low-fiber diet you provide. Otherwise, watch out for bar stools.

mcan
04-13-2005, 07:50 PM
I think you should set out food for the bears and then when any show up to be fed, give them guns and knives. As an American we all have a right to keep and arm bears.

:D

When you feed those hairy rascals, make sure it's a low-fiber diet you provide. Otherwise, watch out for bar stools.

:shake:

angel
04-13-2005, 08:05 PM
These are all good suggestions so far. My wife seems to think the problem can be solved by just spreading a bunch of fertilizer around, but come on. These are bears we're talking about.

I'm thinking maybe a rhino. I'll bet bears hate rhinos.
I like the way you're thinking, however, rhinos might pose more of a problem than the bears.
First of all, rhinos can live up to 40 years. That's a long time in human years. Rhinos love eating grass, trees, bushes and other foliage. If you think the "bear spots" are a problem, wait until you see what a 1,000 pound rhino will do to your yard.
Then you have to take into account the endangered thing. Your neighbors might get wind that you have a rhino defending your yard from the bears. When they hear about your rhino, they're going to remember that they once heard the rhino's horn, when ground up, can cure almost anything from fever to food poisoning and will also enhance sexual stamina. Powdered rhino horn is said to be better than viagra and all the other new-fangled drugs they have out there.
But since you brought the rhino to your yard, it's your job to protect this endangered animal now. You'll have to quit your job and guard him full time from your horny neighbors. (no pun intended)
In conclusion, you're on the right track, but I'd try thinking of something other than a rhino... that is, unless you meant the Rhino Records industry. Bears hate pop music.

NewChief
04-13-2005, 08:25 PM
I like the way you're thinking, however, rhinos might pose more of a problem than the bears.
First of all, rhinos can live up to 40 years. That's a long time in human years. Rhinos love eating grass, trees, bushes and other foliage. If you think the "bear spots" are a problem, wait until you see what a 1,000 pound rhino will do to your yard.
Then you have to take into account the endangered thing. Your neighbors might get wind that you have a rhino defending your yard from the bears. When they hear about your rhino, they're going to remember that they once heard the rhino's horn, when ground up, can cure almost anything from fever to food poisoning and will also enhance sexual stamina. Powdered rhino horn is said to be better than viagra and all the other new-fangled drugs they have out there.
But since you brought the rhino to your yard, it's your job to protect this endangered animal now. You'll have to quit your job and guard him full time from your horny neighbors. (no pun intended)
In conclusion, you're on the right track, but I'd try thinking of something other than a rhino... that is, unless you meant the Rhino Records industry. Bears hate pop music.

Nice.
:clap: