Mitch Hedberg on...

[jAZ]

... Golf.

I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore." But I was too busy mumbling, "there ain't no way that's gonna hit him." .... I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an asshole.

[jAZ]

... on Moving.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

[jAZ]

... on Rental Cars.

I rent a lot of cars, you know, 'cause I go on the road. I rent cars and when I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with it, right? So a lot of times I drive, like, for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the "emergency brake." It's really not an "emergency brake", it's an "emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever."

[ENDelt260]

Were the results of the autopsy ever made public?

[Edubs]

... Golf.

I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore." But I was too busy mumbling, "there ain't no way that's gonna hit him." .... I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an asshole.


I've hit myself a couple of times. Hit that little caucasian ball right into a damn tree and it bouced back and hit me on the knee. I usually have a problem playing golf because my wiener is always out. I guess you are supposed to pull out your ding dong if you don't hit it passed the ladies tee. I hit the ball straight in the f-ing air the other day, it hit a tree, and bounced back behind the tee box.

[C-Mac]

"I dont have a girlfriend, I just a know a girl who will get really mad if she heard me say that"

[Ultra Peanut]

... on Rental Cars.

I rent a lot of cars, you know, 'cause I go on the road. I rent cars and when I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with it, right? So a lot of times I drive, like, for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the "emergency brake." It's really not an "emergency brake", it's an "emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever."Heh. I completely identify with that.

Did that to a friend's car once.

[C-Mac]

"I find that ducks opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread"