View Full Version : RAND: Loosening up for the draft

04-19-2005, 10:59 PM

RAND: Loosening up for the draft
Apr 19, 2005, 3:33:56 AM by Jonathan Rand

As we head into this weekend’s NFL draft, I’m hearing too much about 40-yard dash times and not enough about people.

By the time we’re done hearing about a prospect’s speed, size and statistics, it’s almost like we’re hearing about a robot. These evaluations are so cold, so calculated and so impersonal.

So let’s be grateful we still have scouts. Especially scouts with senses of humor.

When a head coach, general manager and scouting staff are racking their brains on draft day and trying to make the best pick among evenly-rated athletes, it helps to have a scout around who can spit out one-liners instead of computerized evaluations. A sharp scout with a sharp sense of humor can make break player evaluation down to the basics.

No matter how scientific the draft becomes, plain talk from scouts always will be welcome. Many a scouting report is spiced with expressions that sound like they came from Mark Twain rather than Vince Lombardi.

“We try to draw pictures for our coaches,” Chiefs director of college scouting Chuck Cook said. “You try to have a sense of humor and it comes out on draft day.”

Here are some of those pictures, and they’re worth a thousand words. They’re among the favorite scouting expressions of Cook, Hall of Fame coach Marv Levy and some other scouts who were probably using them to evaluate Jim Thorpe and Bronko Nagurski.

You’re likely to hear a few of these expressions uttered publicly by NFL clubs over the weekend. But, rest assured, not many of them.

On physical appearance:

Looks like Tarzan, plays like Jane

So skinny, he has to jump around in the shower to get wet

Has such a bad body, he’s like a walking water bed

So small he could run under a table full speed

On running ability:

Can run the minute in 58 seconds

So quick he can spit on lightning

Quicker than a hiccup

He’s like trying to catch a minnow in Lake Michigan

So quick you couldn’t hit him with a handful of rocks

So quick you couldn’t tackle him in a phone booth

So clumsy in space, he’s like a cow on ice

On arm strength:

Could throw a ball through a car wash and have it come out dry on the other side

On intelligence:

Dumber than a house plant

On attitude:

Dow Jones-type player, up and down

So lazy that if his house was on fire and he was laying on the sofa, I doubt he’d get up