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Hydrae
06-26-2005, 11:14 AM
Lawyer vs. cop:

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that
he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies
expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "


Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law.
License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the leg al difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give
me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Bwana
06-26-2005, 11:29 AM
Nice! Nothing like a lawyer getting worked over joke. rep

Mr. Kotter
06-26-2005, 12:15 PM
Very nice. ROFL

WolfDawg
06-26-2005, 12:17 PM
http://www.myfilebin.com/userfiles/scel/7142.gif

Ultra Peanut
06-26-2005, 12:18 PM
To invade Dick Vitale's skull, you must recite the Koran three times and have at least one Care Bear present.

alnorth
06-26-2005, 12:32 PM
ROFL

go bowe
06-26-2005, 12:48 PM
probably everyone's heard this one, but i liked it because my brother the engineer told it to me years and years ago...

there's a doctor, an engineer and a lawyer in a bar bragging about their dogs...

(for reasons that escape me at the moment) there was a pile of bones laying around and the doctor says "my dog can put those bones together in their correct anatomical postitions" and sure enough, that's what his dog did...

then the engineer says "my dog can do better than that" and his dog builds a beautiful miniature skyscraper with the bones...

then the lawyer says, "well, my dog can top that" and the lawyer's dog comes in and eats the bones and f#cks the other two dogs...

Bwana
06-26-2005, 01:37 PM
probably everyone's heard this one, but i liked it because my brother the engineer told it to me years and years ago...

there's a doctor, an engineer and a lawyer in a bar bragging about their dogs...

(for reasons that escape me at the moment) there was a pile of bones laying around and the doctor says "my dog can put those bones together in their correct anatomical postitions" and sure enough, that's what his dog did...

then the engineer says "my dog can do better than that" and his dog builds a beautiful miniature skyscraper with the bones...

then the lawyer says, "well, my dog can top that" and the lawyer's dog comes in and eats the bones and f#cks the other two dogs...
nice ROFL Rep

The next 10 people to throw up a good lawyer bashing joke also will get rep. Let the games begin.

alnorth
06-26-2005, 02:51 PM
One day a group of lawyers were discussing their class-action lawsuit case against tobacco companies, when an angry mob of smokers burst in the room and shot them all to death.

I'm still working on the punchline... sorry. :shrug:

Demonpenz
06-26-2005, 06:00 PM
difference between a whore and a laywer? A whore stops screwing you when your dead

Ultra Peanut
06-26-2005, 06:46 PM
I finally read the joke in the thread starter.

That joke is seriously older than I am.

go bowe
06-26-2005, 06:57 PM
I finally read the joke in the thread starter.

That joke is seriously older than I am.that's true...

but great old jokes are like fine wine...

they get you drunk... http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/contrib/Bizkit/confused.gif http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/contrib/Bizkit/confused.gif http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/contrib/Bizkit/confused.gif

Skip Towne
06-26-2005, 06:59 PM
I wanted to be a lawyer but I found out I wasn't qualified......my parents are married.

go bowe
06-26-2005, 07:02 PM
I wanted to be a lawyer but I found out I wasn't qualified......my parents are married.old, but still elegant in its simplicity... :toast:

Amnorix
06-26-2005, 08:20 PM
What do you call a parachuting lawyer?







Skeet.

Skip Towne
06-26-2005, 08:34 PM
old, but still elegant in its simplicity... :toast:
Thank you sir. You are a true gentleman. Why do such elevated gentlemen of our stature deal with the rabble that populates the Planet?

Fat Elvis
06-26-2005, 09:21 PM
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer.

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

mcan
06-27-2005, 02:21 AM
---Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.


---Q: What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
---A: Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.


---Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
---A: An offer you can't understand


---Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied.
"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer.

Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No", replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care."

"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."

"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the '3 kicks law'."

"Never heard of it", said Johnny.

The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours".

Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said.

So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet. "Alright, now it's my turn", said Johnny.

"Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

KChiefsQT
06-27-2005, 02:38 AM
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

trndobrd
06-27-2005, 03:35 AM
I was going to start passing out neg rep, but I'll try this instead..

Q: You're trapped a room with a lion, a grizzly bear and a lawyer, but your gun only has two bullets, what do you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer......twice.


Big time Kansas City lawyer, from the presigious Dewey, Cheetam, and Howe firm, is driving in western Kansas late one night coming back from a deposition. Farmer Jones is driving his loaded wheat truck back to the Co-Op when they cross on a narrow bridge. The wheat truck and BMW collide sending both vehicles tumbling into the creek below. Miraculously, both the farmer and lawyer are unscathed. They meet on the bridge and shake hands, neither beliving their luck. The farmer says "just a second" and retreives a bottle of bourbon from behind the seat of his truck. He hands it to the lawyer and says "after a wreck like that, we both deserve a drink." The lawyer says, "I'll drink to that" and downs a couple big swigs and goes to hand the bottle back to the farmer. "No thanks," says the farmer "I just called the Sheriff on my cell phone, he should be coming around the bend any second now."

Q: Difference between a dead lawyer in the road and dead snake in the road?

A: Skid marks in front of the snake.

Bwana
06-27-2005, 07:14 AM
There's some good ones. ROFL

Radar Chief
06-27-2005, 09:13 AM
Q: What’s the difference between a Raggedy Ann doll with rocks in her mouth and a lawyer?
A: The Raggedy Ann doll with rocks in her mouth is a cotton rock sucker.

cheeeefs
06-27-2005, 10:13 AM
what do you call 500 lawyers buried up to there necks in sand?






not enough sand.

runnercyclist
06-27-2005, 07:51 PM
Not seasonally apprpriate but WTF...

It was so cold the other the day the Lawyers had their hands in their own pockets.

Anyong Bluth
06-27-2005, 10:02 PM
I'm billing as I read this...

trndobrd
06-28-2005, 01:07 AM
I'm billing as I read this...


Awesome! ROFL