View Full Version : MSNBC:A satirical look at the teams T.O.

08-12-2005, 07:58 AM
could or couldn't play for.

Sorry for another T.O. thread but I think some may find it rather humorous.

It's a bit long but enjoyable nonetheless.I loved the part about Ricky Williams and yes he even takes a shot at coach Vermeil. (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8918710/)

Owens would fit right in with Raiders

Or maybe Eagles should deal him to Cowboys to pair with Keyshawn

By Michael Ventre
NBCSports.com contributor
Updated: 9:47 p.m. ET Aug. 11, 2005

Michael Ventre
In retrospect, I think we all realize that T.O. was DOA in Philadelphia, and that his ETA to another city is ASAP.

Terrell Owens got suspended this week by Eagles coach Andy Reid after Owens reportedly cursed at him. Actually, that’s just a minor blip. In California, it is referred to as a tremor, portending larger and more ominous eruptions. Mount T.O. is set to blow any minute.

And there really is no way out of this for the Eagles and their fans. T.O. will never, ever be happy until he gets more money – and even then, he’ll only be satisfied until a year from now, when he realizes another professional athlete on earth is making more than him. Then he will spew anew.

For their part, the Eagles insist they will not budge. They won’t renegotiate the deal he agreed to one year ago. Never. There is no wiggle room. They want him to come to work, do his job and keep his mouth shut.

I would like a mansion on a hilltop with a 360-degree view and a harem full of swimsuit models. It doesn’t hurt to dream.

Let’s be honest. T.O. and the Eagles have irreconcilable differences. It’s time to call out the divorce lawyers.

But to which team do the Eagles trade him? He’s a special case. Believe it or not, if sent to the wrong organization, the situation could be even worse. His presence in the wrong place could put a strain on the entire crisis-management industry.

So here are some suggestions for where the Eagles should trade T.O. (assuming they could find a sucker, er, taker), and where they should not:

Where he should go

Oakland Raiders: An obvious pick. Al Davis is the Father Flanagan of the NFL. He has a long, successful history of operating a home for wayward young men. Granted, Owens would be his greatest challenge ever. But Uncle Al has an uncanny knack for seeing the good in people: good speed, good hands, good investment, etc. T.O. wouldn’t cause a disruption in camp because the whole team is one big disruption. If he joined the Raiders and then publicly complained about money, ripped his teammates and refused to practice, he might actually be a calming influence.

Miami Dolphins: T.O. is angry. He can’t believe he isn’t getting his way. He needs to mellow out. He can’t play football effectively if his mind is assaulted by the many burdens and expectations generated by a materialistic society and an unforgiving populace. That’s why T.O. might need a little time with Ganja Boy. Ricky Williams can really help T.O. get his head straight and answer life’s metaphysical questions, such as, “How can you be in two places at once when you’re really not anywhere at all?” and “If a football falls in an empty backfield, does anybody hear it? And whose possession is it?”

Dallas Cowboys: Maybe what T.O. needs is a mentor, somebody who can show him the ropes. That person obviously is Keyshawn Johnson. When Keyshawn was with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, he became such a malcontent that the team actually told him to leave. Eventually, Keyshawn hooked on with Dallas. So Key can advise T. on how to get what he wants — either a pay raise, or a new team. This logic may not seem to make sense because T.O. could use that advice now, in Philadelphia. But trust me, we’ll all be going through this again in a year.

Detroit Lions: The coach is Steve Mariucci, whom he battled with constantly when the two were in San Francisco. The quarterback is Joey Harrington, who has been a disappointment so far, which means T.O. would be all over him. Matt Millen is the general manager, and he has been a high-profile disaster who probably would feud with Owens publicly. And they’re overloaded with talented wide receivers. So why in the heck should he go there, you ask? Well, obviously this team needs to be blown up and rebuilt from scratch. Can you think of someone more qualified to create that explosion?

Cleveland Browns: Fans haven’t had much to celebrate. During the Butch Davis era, the Browns were awful. They have no identity to speak of. They’re a team in transition. Although they will have Braylon Edwards to liven things up, they still don’t have a personality. Enter T.O., who would infuse the team with an attitude that has been sorely missing. And hey, if it doesn’t work out and he starts to act up like he’s done in San Francisco and Philadelphia, they could always lend him Kellen Winslow’s motorcycle.

Where he shouldn't go

New York Giants: Tom Coughlin is somewhat of a disciplinarian. He yells at guys when they take their helmets off. Imagine what he’ll do when T.O. drops a few F-bombs on him, then does sit-ups for reporters. Also, the media in New York are probably equal to those in Philadelphia in terms of sheer antagonism, but there’s more of them. T.O. is elusive, but not that elusive. And the team is bringing along a young quarterback in Eli Manning. When T.O. is through questioning Eli’s endurance, his sexuality and any other area of sensitivity, Eli will spend the rest of his career looking like his brother Peyton after a playoff game in New England.

New England Patriots: When Corey Dillon went there, lots of people thought it would be a disaster because he was such a head case in Cincinnati. Instead, he fit in beautifully. Great teams have a way of helping problem children conform to the environment. But this is T.O. we’re talking about. When Owens is finished with Bill Belichick, he’ll be in a strait jacket. The fact that he would look better in that than what he currently wears on the sideline is beside the point.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Maybe they could trade unhappy Hines Ward for disgruntled Terrell Owens. Maybe T.O. would understand that Pittsburgh is a blue-collar town that doesn’t tolerate brazen acts of disobedience from its professional athletes and therefore would contain himself. Maybe he won’t mind the fact that the Steelers like to run the ball a lot and therefore he won’t get as many balls thrown his way as he’d like. Maybe he won’t mind that it’s a small media market. Maybe he won’t have a problem with a head coach who is an upbeat, rah-rah, in-your-face type of guy as opposed to Andy Reid and Steve Mariucci. Hey, there’s always a chance, just like there’s a chance fairies sneaked into Rafael Palmeiro’s bedroom every night and slipped stanozolol into his Ovaltine.

Kansas City Chiefs: They like to throw the ball a lot, so it sounds like an ideal pairing. But everybody knows that coach Dick Vermeil likes to cry. He cries when he’s happy. He cries when he’s sad. Generally speaking, it’s a good thing. It shows he’s a man who isn’t afraid to show his emotions. But it’s a whole different story when a player makes the head coach cry. Then it’s a pathetic display. The spectacle of T.O. lashing out at Vermeil on the sidelines, and then Vermeil breaking down and weeping like Meryl Streep, might be too much for most fans to bear.

Baltimore Ravens: Remember, T.O. was almost traded there before he went to Philadelphia. I’m sure they don’t want him anyway. But knowing Ray Lewis, they’re probably being all Sicilian about it in Baltimore, calling T.O., telling him all is forgiven, gushing that they really love his competitive spirit and his desire to win, and begging him to come there. Then when he does, they’ll lure him into a dark alley with some of Lewis’ friends from his Super Bowl fracas in Atlanta and some of Jamal Lewis’ associates from prison and soon T.O. will be running pass patterns with Big Pussy Bonpensiero.

Michael Ventre writes regularly for NBCSports.com and is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles.

08-12-2005, 08:38 AM
he ends his article with Big Pussy... :hmmm:

08-12-2005, 08:46 AM
They like to throw the ball a lot
Do we really? I always liked the balance we had on offense.

Rain Man
08-12-2005, 08:56 AM
A trade to the Giants would be great.

08-12-2005, 09:31 AM
That’s why T.O. might need a little time with Ganja Boy. Ricky Williams can really help T.O. get his head straight and answer life’s metaphysical questions, such as, “How can you be in two places at once when you’re really not anywhere at all?” and “If a football falls in an empty backfield, does anybody hear it? And whose possession is it?”

I know I mentioned it in the header but this part creates a mental pic that cracks me up.

08-12-2005, 09:48 AM
Big Pussy Bonpensiero ? :hmmm:

08-12-2005, 10:57 AM
sopranos refernce I think. wasn't pussy the guy who was working with the feds that they killed on the boat.