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jAZ
08-20-2005, 06:19 PM
Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity with New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory

http://www.theonion.com/images/451/article3310.jpg
Above: Rev. Gabriel Burdett (left) explains Intelligent Falling.

KANSAS CITY, KS—As the debate over the teaching of evolution in public schools continues, a new controversy over the science curriculum arose Monday in this embattled Midwestern state. Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.

"Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, 'God' if you will, is pushing them down," said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.

Burdett added: "Gravity—which is taught to our children as a law—is founded on great gaps in understanding. The laws predict the mutual force between all bodies of mass, but they cannot explain that force. Isaac Newton himself said, 'I suspect that my theories may all depend upon a force for which philosophers have searched all of nature in vain.' Of course, he is alluding to a higher power."

Founded in 1987, the ECFR is the world's leading institution of evangelical physics, a branch of physics based on literal interpretation of the Bible.

According to the ECFR paper published simultaneously this week in the International Journal Of Science and the adolescent magazine God's Word For Teens!, there are many phenomena that cannot be explained by secular gravity alone, including such mysteries as how angels fly, how Jesus ascended into Heaven, and how Satan fell when cast out of Paradise.

The ECFR, in conjunction with the Christian Coalition and other Christian conservative action groups, is calling for public-school curriculums to give equal time to the Intelligent Falling theory. They insist they are not asking that the theory of gravity be banned from schools, but only that students be offered both sides of the issue "so they can make an informed decision."

"We just want the best possible education for Kansas' kids," Burdett said.

Proponents of Intelligent Falling assert that the different theories used by secular physicists to explain gravity are not internally consistent. Even critics of Intelligent Falling admit that Einstein's ideas about gravity are mathematically irreconcilable with quantum mechanics. This fact, Intelligent Falling proponents say, proves that gravity is a theory in crisis.

"Let's take a look at the evidence," said ECFR senior fellow Gregory Lunsden."In Matthew 15:14, Jesus says, 'And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.' He says nothing about some gravity making them fall—just that they will fall. Then, in Job 5:7, we read, 'But mankind is born to trouble, as surely as sparks fly upwards.' If gravity is pulling everything down, why do the sparks fly upwards with great surety? This clearly indicates that a conscious intelligence governs all falling."

Critics of Intelligent Falling point out that gravity is a provable law based on empirical observations of natural phenomena. Evangelical physicists, however, insist that there is no conflict between Newton's mathematics and Holy Scripture.

"Closed-minded gravitists cannot find a way to make Einstein's general relativity match up with the subatomic quantum world," said Dr. Ellen Carson, a leading Intelligent Falling expert known for her work with the Kansan Youth Ministry. "They've been trying to do it for the better part of a century now, and despite all their empirical observation and carefully compiled data, they still don't know how."

"Traditional scientists admit that they cannot explain how gravitation is supposed to work," Carson said. "What the gravity-agenda scientists need to realize is that 'gravity waves' and 'gravitons' are just secular words for 'God can do whatever He wants.'"

Some evangelical physicists propose that Intelligent Falling provides an elegant solution to the central problem of modern physics.

"Anti-falling physicists have been theorizing for decades about the 'electromagnetic force,' the 'weak nuclear force,' the 'strong nuclear force,' and so-called 'force of gravity,'" Burdett said. "And they tilt their findings toward trying to unite them into one force. But readers of the Bible have already known for millennia what this one, unified force is: His name is Jesus."

Linky, link. (http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4133&n=2)

Mr. Kotter
08-20-2005, 06:20 PM
Okay, Justin. I laughed. A little.

jiveturkey
08-20-2005, 06:21 PM
Ha! ROFL

Adept Havelock
08-20-2005, 06:23 PM
Now that was funny!

Teach both theories! Astronomy and Astrology!

mlyonsd
08-20-2005, 06:23 PM
Good news. It's a concept our kids will grasp easier thus making their test scores go up in world rankings.

Hydrae
08-20-2005, 10:35 PM
Some things never change throughout history. If you don't understand how something works, put it in the realm of the supernatural. Be it how the sun travels around the earth or how we stay stuck on the planet defying centrifugal forces.

Pitt Gorilla
08-20-2005, 10:37 PM
Funny, yet all too possible in Kansas.

Logical
08-20-2005, 11:03 PM
I love the Onion and especially love the way they correctly make jackasses of the RRWNJ's and the state of Kansas.ROFL

the Talking Can
08-21-2005, 09:26 AM
"According to the ECFR paper published simultaneously this week in the International Journal Of Science and the adolescent magazine God's Word For Teens!, there are many phenomena that cannot be explained by secular gravity alone, including such mysteries as how angels fly, how Jesus ascended into Heaven, and how Satan fell when cast out of Paradise.

The ECFR, in conjunction with the Christian Coalition and other Christian conservative action groups, is calling for public-school curriculums to give equal time to the Intelligent Falling theory. They insist they are not asking that the theory of gravity be banned from schools, but only that students be offered both sides of the issue "so they can make an informed decision."



lmao....spot on

TGFan
08-21-2005, 10:59 AM
"Intelligent Falling" has to be the most idiotic thing I have ever heard. Why can't we stick with teaching "God created gravity" in the church, and leave teaching science to science teachers in the schools?

Mr. Laz
08-21-2005, 11:13 AM
how embarrassing...


kansas, the national joke :sulk:

Baby Lee
08-21-2005, 11:34 AM
how embarrassing...


kansas, the national joke :sulk:
Almost as embarassing as mistaking satire for reality. :p

Mr. Laz
08-21-2005, 11:56 AM
Almost as embarassing as mistaking satire for reality. :p
brat ... :p


i know The Onion has all joke stories ... but the fact that they chose Kansas to be "da joke" tells that we've hit the national radar.


and not in a good way :(

Valiant
08-21-2005, 03:46 PM
how embarrassing...


kansas, the national joke :sulk:


And they want to move the Royals there... They are just asking for a dogpile..

whoman69
08-21-2005, 09:18 PM
Do they still want it taught that the Earth is the center of the universe? A little Flat Earth mixed in with some of this crap should bring the state of Kansas to the potato for brain category any time now. If God is pushing us all down, then shouldn't everyone be able to jump the same height?

ChiefsGirl
08-21-2005, 10:28 PM
And they want to move the Royals there... They are just asking for a dogpile..

But at least they'll have the NASCAR hall of fame.

Bowser
08-21-2005, 11:03 PM
So are humans just walking, talking stalagtites?










I bet nobody that works at the Onion has ever hit a bong.

KC Jones
08-21-2005, 11:23 PM
I bet nobody that works at the Onion has ever hit a bong.

hell no, that would be a serious abuse of paraphenalia right there bud.

oldandslow
08-22-2005, 10:18 AM
This was is quite funny as well. How 'bout it Baby Lee? Can I get a little love for the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

http://www.venganza.org/
OPEN LETTER TO KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD

I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

Sincerely Yours,

TGFan
08-22-2005, 10:30 AM
That open letter is funny!

BigRedChief
08-22-2005, 10:36 AM
"Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, 'God' if you will, is pushing them down," said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.

Proof that education does not equal intelligence.

RedNFeisty
08-22-2005, 10:38 AM
"Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational force, but because a higher intelligence, 'God' if you will, is pushing them down," said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education, applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.

Proof that education does not equal intelligence.

I stopped reading the article after that paragraph, Kansas is such a backwards shit hole.

Baby Lee
08-22-2005, 06:44 PM
This was is quite funny as well. How 'bout it Baby Lee? Can I get a little love for the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
Not sure why you're asking, but he seems like an amiable sort. Or is a she? Don't tell me, pansexual?