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Frankie
09-25-2005, 09:00 AM
Or at least good for a chuckle. Here's something completely different (for this BB). This thread is dedicated to ONLY CLEAN JOKES. Please post any clean joke that you find funny or at least amusing. We will not call you "dorks." Not in this thread. Let's see what you've got,... and share them.

Don't worry about repeat jokes. Nobody has time to check all posts.

Frankie
09-25-2005, 09:00 AM
I'll start:

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Billy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Billy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?

Billy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Billy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Billy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

bishop_74
09-25-2005, 09:01 AM
Ba-dump...ching!

Simplex3
09-25-2005, 09:05 AM
An Irish guy was driving down the road when suddenly a cop pulls him over. The Irishman quickly composes himself while the cop walks up beside the car.

Cop: "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?"
Irishman: "No sir."
Cop: "Your wife fell out of your car three blocks back."
Irishman: "Oh thank God. I thought I'd gone deaf."

Bob Dole
09-25-2005, 09:18 AM
I'll start:

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Billy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Billy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?

Billy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Billy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Billy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

Dork.

the Talking Can
09-25-2005, 09:28 AM
"..so I've got my finger up this chick's ass, and she says...."

Frankie
09-25-2005, 09:30 AM
Dork.
:LOL:
I knew someone would do this sooner or later. But the joke was still funny.

gblowfish
09-25-2005, 09:32 AM
So, what do you call the act?
"The Aristocrats."

Frankie
09-25-2005, 09:33 AM
This could be my ex-wife:


My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so that he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Frankie
09-25-2005, 09:48 AM
So, what do you call the act?
"The Aristocrats."
Huh? I didn't get it.
:shrug:

Bob Dole
09-25-2005, 09:49 AM
:LOL:
I knew someone would do this sooner or later. But the joke was still funny.

Bob Dole didn't see any point in postponing the inevitable.

go bowe
09-25-2005, 10:12 AM
if i could just remember even some of the jokes i've heard, i would definitely share them with you...

i can't even remember all the thousands of lawyer jokes i've heard from other lawyers over the years...

jokes and names, always had trouble with the... :shrug:

go bowe
09-25-2005, 10:13 AM
how 'bout jokes that are only a little dirty?

Frankie
09-25-2005, 10:30 AM
if i could just remember even some of the jokes i've heard, i would definitely share them with you...

i can't even remember all the thousands of lawyer jokes i've heard from other lawyers over the years...

jokes and names, always had trouble with the... :shrug:

Policeman to the accident victim: Are you seriously hurt?
AV: How would I know? I'm not a lawyer!

go bowe
09-25-2005, 10:33 AM
Policeman to the accident victim: Are you seriously hurt?
AV: How would I know? I'm not a lawyer!i don't think i've ever heard that one before...

not bad...

SNR
09-25-2005, 10:50 AM
Q: What's the difference between a bachelor and a husband?

A: A bachelor doesn't like what he sees in the kitchen and goes to bed. A husband doesn't like what he sees in bed and goes to the kitchen.

Frankie
09-25-2005, 10:51 AM
Q: What's the difference between a bachelor and a husband?

A: A bachelor doesn't like what he sees in the kitchen and goes to bed. A husband doesn't like what he sees in bed and goes to the kitchen.
ROFL

gblowfish
09-25-2005, 11:31 AM
Huh? I didn't get it.
:shrug:
Oh Frankie, people in Iowa lead such sheltered lives...
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0436078/

Cochise
09-25-2005, 11:44 AM
Two molecules were walking down the street and accidentally bumped into each other. The first molecule says, "I'm sorry, are you all right?" and the second one says "No, I lost an electron!" The first one says "Well, are you sure?" so the second one replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Ultra Peanut
09-25-2005, 11:47 AM
Oh, I'm so low down.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Yeah!

I used to go skateboarding, now I get raped without no warning.

I got the, "I'm in prison cause I did graffiti blues!"

If I had a time machine, I'd set it to before I did graffiti and I'd go back!

(I don't think y'all heard me)

I said, if I-I-I-I-I-I had a time machine, I'd set it to before I did graffiti and I'd go back!

Yeah!

I've been stabbed by a broken broom,

and jacked off on in the weight room,

and I'm hiding all my valuables up my crack!

Whooah, yeah, yeaaaaahhhhhh!!!


- Jonesy

Frankie
09-25-2005, 12:36 PM
Oh Frankie, people in Iowa lead such sheltered lives...
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0436078/
Thanks. Now I get it.

Frankie
09-25-2005, 12:38 PM
Two molecules were walking down the street and accidentally bumped into each other. The first molecule says, "I'm sorry, are you all right?" and the second one says "No, I lost an electron!" The first one says "Well, are you sure?" so the second one replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
:LOL:
Very clever. See what I mean? I want some jokes out of this thread that I can get around mom and her friends. Thanks.

Frankie
09-25-2005, 12:41 PM
Oh, I'm so low down.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Yeah!

I used to go skateboarding, now I get raped without no warning.

I got the, "I'm in prison cause I did graffiti blues!"

If I had a time machine, I'd set it to before I did graffiti and I'd go back!

(I don't think y'all heard me)

I said, if I-I-I-I-I-I had a time machine, I'd set it to before I did graffiti and I'd go back!

Yeah!

I've been stabbed by a broken broom,

and jacked off on in the weight room,

and I'm hiding all my valuables up my crack!

Whooah, yeah, yeaaaaahhhhhh!!!


- Jonesy

Wash your mouth (fingers?) and go to your room, Psicosis.

Skip Towne
09-25-2005, 12:47 PM
:LOL:
Very clever. See what I mean? I want some jokes out of this thread that I can get around mom and her friends. Thanks.
OK, so the teacher says to little Johnny.....................and he says rats, great big f*cking rats with 12" dicks.

Baby Lee
09-25-2005, 12:52 PM
What's the proper time for a dentist's appointment?

2:30.

Baby Lee
09-25-2005, 12:54 PM
What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

Baby Lee
09-25-2005, 12:54 PM
Why can't a bicycle stand up on it's own?


It's two tired.

Frankie
09-25-2005, 12:56 PM
What has four wheels and flies?







Garbage truck.

Cochise
09-25-2005, 01:03 PM
Why did Tigger have his head in the toilet?

He was looking for pooh.

(groan)

Pants
09-25-2005, 01:03 PM
So the these two dudes are lost at sea on a life boat, their water and dried fish are running out...they're just sitting there thinking about their demise when all of a sudden a fish jumps out of the water and lands in their life boat.

The men get a little excited since they'd be able to eat the fish, but then the fish says, "Please throw me back in the water and in return I'll grant you one wish," and who's not going to believe a talking a fish? So the first dude, without even thinking, says "OK, turn all the water in the oceans into beer" and throws the fish back in... then *POOF* and they're swimming in bear. The other guy looks at the first dude and says, shaking his head, "You f***ing idiot, where are we gonna piss now?"

ChiefFripp
09-25-2005, 01:51 PM
A metermaid is walking by a bank one day when she sees a businessman walking to his Jaguar. Suddenly out of nowhere ,a pickup truck sideswipes the the businessman as he is getting into his car.

Metermaid: "holybajeebus mister are you okay?"
Businessman:OMG! Look what that crudhead(censored for this thread) did to my car!"

The metermaid is taken aback by the man's materialism...

Metermaid :" But sir don't you realise that your left arm is missing?!"
Businessman : "Gosh Darn It!!"
Metermaid :!?
Buisnessman:"My Rolex!"

Demonpenz
09-25-2005, 02:41 PM
whats green and sings and elvis parcley

RxKbolt
09-25-2005, 02:53 PM
A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks at the rabbit and asked "do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says "no", so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it.

Frankie
09-25-2005, 02:59 PM
Why did Tigger have his head in the toilet?

He was looking for pooh.

(groan)
I said clean jokes, not lame ones.
:p

Frankie
09-25-2005, 03:04 PM
A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks at the rabbit and asked "do you have a problem with crap sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says "no", so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt with it.
:LOL:
This would be a dirty joke wouldn't it? I don't know. I'm sooo confused now.

Simplex3
09-25-2005, 03:07 PM
:LOL:
This would be a dirty joke wouldn't it? I don't know. I'm sooo confused now.
Depends on if you take it from the bear or rabbit's perspective.

penchief
09-25-2005, 04:27 PM
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

Simplex3
09-25-2005, 04:28 PM
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Put in jail for stealing them from the zoo?

Frankie
09-25-2005, 04:36 PM
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?I give up, what?

penchief
09-25-2005, 04:39 PM
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

...hell if I know.

Frankie
09-25-2005, 05:06 PM
...hell if I know.
Oh so really just wanted to find out.
:hmmm:

Baby Lee
09-25-2005, 05:11 PM
Oh so really just wanted to find out.
:hmmm:
Say it aloud instead of reading it.

onescrewleftuntwisted
09-25-2005, 06:33 PM
dirty joke : little boy fell in a mud puddle

clean joke : little boy took a bath

Dave Lane
09-25-2005, 09:51 PM
A school bus driver is picking up kids in the morning. His bus is painted on the outside with characters from Sesame Street.

He picks up a kid who is known to be mean-spirited named Leonard. Leonard gets on the bus and sits behind the driver.
They drive on, and on the next stop pick-up the Patty twins. Two overweight girls.
Leonard says "Hi Fat Patty's!".
The driver get's upset and says they are not fat, they are obesse.
The next stop they pick-up a "slow" kid named Ross.
Leonard chimes in again "It's retarded Ross!"
The driver says, "he's not retarded, he's special."
By this time the other children are quite upset with Leonard, and one of them shouts "Leonard cheats in class and picks his bunyons!"
The driver is furious at the children's behavior, and turns around and begins yelling and screaming at them all to be sit down and be quiet.
While he is turned around yelling, he sees a policeman behind the bus, with his lights on.
The driver pulls over, and the officer approaches.
"Sir, you just drove right through that stop sign with all of these kids on your bus. You could've gotten the all kids killed. You really need to concentrate on the road a bit more!"
The driver replies:
"Officer, you'd find it hard to concentrate too if you had (sing to old Big Mac jingle) two obesse Pattys, special sox, Lester picking bunyons on a Sesame Seed bus!"

Simplex3
09-25-2005, 09:54 PM
"Officer, you'd find it hard to concentrate too if you had (sing to old Big Mac jingle) two obesse Pattys, special sox, Lester picking bunyons on a Sesame Seed bus!"
You're not very good at this are you?

KS Smitty
09-25-2005, 09:57 PM
:)
Two birds were setting on a perch. One turned to the other and said.......do you smell fish?

greg63
09-25-2005, 09:59 PM
A horse walks into a bar, and the bar tender says "So, why the long face?"

tk13
09-25-2005, 10:00 PM
Why did Tigger have his head in the toilet?

He was looking for pooh.

(groan)
ROFL ROFL That's good stuff.

Simplex3
09-25-2005, 10:02 PM
:)
Tow birds were setting on a perch. One turned to the other and said.......do you smell fish?
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

greg63
09-25-2005, 10:03 PM
An Irish guy was driving down the road when suddenly a cop pulls him over. The Irishman quickly composes himself while the cop walks up beside the car.

Cop: "Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?"
Irishman: "No sir."
Cop: "Your wife fell out of your car three blocks back."
Irishman: "Oh thank God. I thought I'd gone deaf."

ROFLROFLROFLROFL Best post yet!!ROFLROFLROFLROFL

KS Smitty
09-25-2005, 10:04 PM
Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

A three-legged dog walks into the bar and says to the bartender, " I'm lookin' for the man that shot my pa....

ChiefFripp
09-25-2005, 10:05 PM
Mine is the only funny one so far... :harumph:

greg63
09-25-2005, 10:06 PM
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

ChiefFripp
09-25-2005, 10:07 PM
A nun walks into a toy rocket factory...

I had better save this one for another thread.

greg63
09-25-2005, 10:12 PM
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."

Frankie
09-25-2005, 10:30 PM
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

First grader little Joey comes home from school and announces that he and his classmate Tammy have decided to get married. Amused at the cuteness of this, his parents ask:"What are you two going to live on?"

"Well," he says, "You are paying me $15 a week, Tammy gets $10 a week from her parents. We figure that should be enough for us."

"Where are you gonna live?" The parents ask.

"We've thought of that too." replies Joey, " One week here and the next at her parents' house."

Amused and impressed at how well the kids have thought this thing out the parents ask: "But, how about children?"

Joey pauses a second and replies: "Well, so far we've been pretty lucky!"

C-Mac
09-25-2005, 10:43 PM
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market.
I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These
vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any
poisonous chemicals?"

"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to
do that yourself."

greg63
09-25-2005, 10:55 PM
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

greg63
09-25-2005, 10:57 PM
First grader little Joey comes home from school and announces that he and his classmate Tammy have decided to get married. Amused at the cuteness of this, his parents ask:"What are you two going to live on?"

"Well," he says, "You are paying me $15 a week, Tammy gets $10 a week from her parents. We figure that should be enough for us."

"Where are you gonna live?" The parents ask.

"We've thought of that too." replies Joey, " One week here and the next at her parents' house."

Amused and impressed at how well the kids have thought this thing out the parents ask: "But, how about children?"

Joey pauses a second and replies: "Well, so far we've been pretty lucky!"

ROFLROFLROFLROFL

morphius
09-25-2005, 11:18 PM
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
My sister used to do that to me all the time and the answer is giraffe.

David.
09-25-2005, 11:41 PM
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says: "Is it just me or is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin turns to him and says:"AHHHH a talking muffin!"



http://forums.breakthetrend.com/images/smilies/uhh.gif

Frankie
09-28-2005, 04:01 PM
While in prison, Hank and Jim, two convicts thought long and hard about their criminal life. As a result Hank started studying to become a lawyer. But Jim,.... he decided to go straight.

chiefqueen
09-28-2005, 04:12 PM
This one will get this thread kicked into the D.C. forum but here it goes:

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT in January 2008 Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long.......... The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." "Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that." The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." "Ohhh! I really don't want to do that." On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater!"

Hydrae
09-28-2005, 05:23 PM
Did you hear about the Indian who went to the tea party?


He went home afterwards and had a tea pee.

C-Mac
09-28-2005, 05:25 PM
An traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, then he saw something, far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."
The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight.
Three hours later he returned.
The man at the card table asked, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

Hydrae
09-28-2005, 06:21 PM
Hickory dickory dock
Three mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one
The other two escaped with minor injuries

greg63
09-28-2005, 10:59 PM
Bill Clinton was coming back to the white house one day after vacationing in Arkansas with two baby pigs under each arm. He greeted the guard at the door and said proudly: "How do you like my pigs, I got this one for Hillary and this one I got for Chelsea". The guard replied: "Good trade sir."

greg63
09-29-2005, 12:00 AM
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Frankie
10-04-2005, 02:28 PM
go bo poured some sugar into his cup of tea and stirred it clockwise. He took a sip. It was too sweet. So he stirred it counterclockwise! :p



(Sorry go bo. I needed to assign a character to that joke. Yours came to mind first!)

gblowfish
10-04-2005, 02:38 PM
Three hilbillies are walking the fence line on the farm and come across a sow that'd been caught in the barbed wire.
First hillbilly says: "You know, I wish that Pig was Cindy Crawford..."
Second hillbilly says: "You know, I wish that Pig was Brittany Spears..."
Third hillbilly says: "You know, I wish it were dark...."

ROYC75
10-04-2005, 02:44 PM
This blonde calls the fire department, says here house is on fire, come quick. All excited, she hangs up the phone. A few minutes go by, no sirens, she calls back, quick come now, my house is on fire, hurry..... about to hang up again the fire dispatcher said , Lady, Lady, How do we get to your house ? The blonde replied, " Duh, the big red truck ".

Frankie
10-04-2005, 02:53 PM
This blonde was taken to the emergency room with severe burns on both sides of her face. When asked how this happened, she said:

"Well I was ironing. The phone rang and I got confused and picked up the iron instead of the receiver."

"Well," asks the doctor, "this explains one side of your face. How about the other side?"

"I had to call the hospital, didn't I?""

ROYC75
10-04-2005, 03:02 PM
Little Johnny was in class one day and the teacher was having the kids write somrthing on the blackboard that scares them. She waited till Johnny was last because he always disrupted the class. Johnny takes his turn last, walks up and puts a period mark on the blackboard. The teacher asks him how that scares him. Johnny says it doesn't, but it scare the hell out of my sister.

Frankie
10-04-2005, 03:12 PM
Little Johnny was in class one day and the teacher was having the kids write somrthing on the blackboard that scares them. She waited till Johnny was last because he always disrupted the class. Johnny takes his turn last, walks up and puts a period mark on the blackboard. The teacher asks him how that scares him. Johnny says it doesn't, but it scare the hell out of my sister.
Ah!! Period..... I get it,... I guess.:LOL:

memyselfI
10-04-2005, 03:14 PM
This one will get this thread kicked into the D.C. forum but here it goes:

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT in January 2008 Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long.......... The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie." "Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that." The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." "Ohhh! I really don't want to do that." On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater!"


Here is the second:

Reporter: President Bush, what do you think of Roe vs. Wade?

W: I don't care how people get out of New Orleans just as long as they get out.

Lzen
10-04-2005, 03:34 PM
Skip will like this one.


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting a lot and drank beer whenever he wanted.



THE END

Frankie
10-04-2005, 03:56 PM
Here is the second:

Reporter: President Bush, what do you think of Roe vs. Wade?

W: I don't care how people get out of New Orleans just as long as they get out.

ROFL

BTW, this reminds me. Can anyone post the link to the DC (political) jokes thread?

onescrewleftuntwisted
10-04-2005, 04:17 PM
A blonde crossing the road gets hit by a truck. The truck driver jumps out to check on her.

“Are you all right?” he asks.

“Everything is just a blur,” says the blonde as she’s lying in the street.

The man holds his hand in front of her face and asks, “How many fingers have I got up?”

“Oh, no!” she yells. “Don’t tell me I’m paralyzed from the waist down too!”

onescrewleftuntwisted
10-04-2005, 04:18 PM
A guy applies for a job at an investment firm and has to take a medical exam. The doctor sees the guy has no testicles and is hesitant to pass him. The guy pleads with the doctor and his potential boss, promising it won’t affect his job performance.

“OK,” says the boss, “but don’t come to work until 9:30 AM.”

“Why?” asks the guy. “Everyone else starts at 8:30.”

“Yeah, but in the morning they just stand around for an hour scratching their balls.”

onescrewleftuntwisted
10-04-2005, 04:19 PM
To Diet For

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

"Ten pounds," he replies.

"We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”

The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."

"We’ll send someone over."

The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"

"Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot."

The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"

About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”

greg63
10-04-2005, 10:46 PM
Here is the second:

Reporter: President Bush, what do you think of Roe vs. Wade?

W: I don't care how people get out of New Orleans just as long as they get out.

ROFLROFLROFLROFL Classic!

SNR
10-04-2005, 10:59 PM
Classic Robin Williams:

A buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "make me one with everything."

SNR
10-04-2005, 11:01 PM
Q: What do you call a dehydrated Frenchman?

A: Pierre






(For the slow ones... pee air... get it?)

greg63
10-04-2005, 11:29 PM
Classic Robin Williams:

A buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, "make me one with everything."
Is that one of those Buddhist that has taken a vow of celibacy like his father and his father before him???

Fishpicker
10-05-2005, 12:36 AM
whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

you can dump a load into a washing machine for $1.25

Frankie
10-05-2005, 08:55 AM
whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

you can dump a load into a washing machine for $1.25

Definition of "CLEAN JOKE:" A joke that can be told in front of grandma and her friends. Please adhere to that policy for this thread. There are other threads for the risque jokes. "Friday goof off post," for example (http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showthread.php?threadid=15261&goto=newpost).

NOW, BACK TO YOUR ORIGINALLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM.

greg63
10-05-2005, 12:49 PM
whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine?...

n00b's:shake:

King_Chief_Fan
10-05-2005, 01:02 PM
Three hilbillies are walking the fence line on the farm and come across a sow that'd been caught in the barbed wire.
First hillbilly says: "You know, I wish that Pig was Cindy Crawford..."
Second hillbilly says: "You know, I wish that Pig was Brittany Spears..."
Third hillbilly says: "You know, I wish it were dark...."

can you substitute Denver fans in place of hillbillies?

Frankie
10-05-2005, 01:07 PM
can you substitute Denver fans in place of hillbillies?
:LOL:

Frankie
10-05-2005, 10:52 PM
Two molecules were walking down the street and accidentally bumped into each other. The first molecule says, "I'm sorry, are you all right?" and the second one says "No, I lost an electron!" The first one says "Well, are you sure?" so the second one replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Geography was never my strong suit. But shouldn't this joke start with "Two atoms.....?" :shrug:

stevieray
10-05-2005, 11:00 PM
Geography was never my strong suit. But shouldn't this joke start with "Two atoms.....?" :shrug:


they were walking down the street.

SNR
10-05-2005, 11:07 PM
they were walking down the street.
ROFL

SNR
10-05-2005, 11:12 PM
Gotta get some religious humor in here:

Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Thirty-one. One to change the old lightbulb, fifteen to spend a long time choosing the new lightbulb, and fifteen to grieve the loss of the old lightbulb

Simplex3
10-05-2005, 11:15 PM
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Simplex3
10-05-2005, 11:43 PM
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

greg63
10-05-2005, 11:51 PM
Gotta get some religious humor in here:

Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Thirty-one. One to change the old lightbulb, fifteen to spend a long time choosing the new lightbulb, and fifteen to grieve the loss of the old lightbulbOne elderly preacher, one middle aged preacher and one young preacher were in a boat fishing one early Saturday morning. While they were discussing their individual theologies and contemplating the next day’s sermon, the elder preacher reeled in his line to find that he was in need of more bait. Upon realizing that they had mistakenly left the bait on the bank the undaunted preacher merely got out of the boat, strolled a crossed the water to the bank grabbed the bait and strolled back to the boat. They continued fishing and discussing, and after a few hours they begin to get hungry. In their haste to take advantage of the early morning hours they discovered that they had left the lunch basket in the truck. This time the middle aged preacher volunteered to get the lunch basket. Like the elderly preacher he strolled a crossed the water to the truck, retrieved their lunch and returned to the boat. They gave thanks, ate lunch and continued fishing. Shortly after they ate the young preacher was wanting to prove his own state of righteousness, after all surely God would grant him the same ability to stroll a crossed the water, and stated that he was in need of the portable commode. So, he gets out of the boat and sinks like a rock, swims back up to the boat and the other two help him back in. Refusing the offer to take him back to the bank, the young preacher hopped back out of the boat determined to perform the same miracle that the other two had, and again sank like a rock. While the other two were waiting for him to resurface, the elder preacher nudged the middle aged preacher and said: "think we ought to show him where the rocks are?"

greg63
10-06-2005, 12:07 AM
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, ...

ROFLROFLROFLROFL Too funny!!

Saulbadguy
10-06-2005, 12:34 PM
THE WORKING U.S.

For a couple years I have been blaming it on lack of sleep and too
much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I am tired
because I am overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That
leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the
work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two
people to do the work.

You and I. And you are sitting at your computer reading jokes.

KC Kings
10-06-2005, 02:24 PM
q. Why does a Chicken coop only have 2 doors?

a. If it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.

greg63
10-06-2005, 11:26 PM
THE WORKING U.S.

For a couple years I have been blaming it on lack of sleep and too
much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I am tired
because I am overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That
leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the
work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two
people to do the work.

You and I. And you are sitting at your computer reading jokes.
ROFLROFL ...and your sitting at your computer posting them, which means NO ONES WORKING! It must be a holiday.:D

Lzen
10-07-2005, 08:54 AM
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

Saulbadguy
10-07-2005, 08:56 AM
yee-haw.

Lzen
10-07-2005, 09:10 AM
A new store named Husband-Mart opened. Husband-Mart is a store where women can go and choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flight of stairs.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down, except to exit the building.

So, this woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: "Floor 1 - These men have jobs." The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that is better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what is further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids." The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes.

The third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking." "Hmm, better," she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" Up she goes.

The fourth floor sign reads: "Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework." "Wow!", exclaims the woman, "very tempting. But, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight

The fifth floor sign reads: "Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting for me on the sixth floor?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: "Floor 6 - You are visitor 1,260,459,789,015 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. "Thank you ! for shopping at Husband-Mart and have a nice day!"

greg63
10-07-2005, 10:02 AM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:

ROFLROFLROFL I guess this would be me after I nail the lunatic in the forehead.
BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

kcirnamffoh
10-07-2005, 10:43 AM
Did you hear about the Indian who went to the tea party?


He went home afterwards and had a tea pee.

This crazy guy went running into his counselor’s office screaming, “I’m a teapee, I’m a teapee!!”

The counselor trying to calm him down replied, “Relax already, you’re just too tense”.

Frankie
10-07-2005, 11:04 AM
This crazy guy went running into his counselor’s office screaming, “I’m a teapee, I’m a teapee!!”

The counselor trying to calm him down replied, “Relax already, you’re just too tense”.

:LOL:

The version I've heard:

Patient-
Doc, I'm going crazy. Every night I dream I'm a teepee. Then I wake up screaming and go back to sleep only to dream I'm a wigwam.

Doctor-
Don't worry. You're just "two tents!"

Frankie
10-07-2005, 11:15 AM
Jack was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Jack kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the dinner pot, and was replaced. That took an awful lot of time, so Jack got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Jack's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was too, only his bell had not rung all morning! Jack went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing, but Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Jack was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation!

The judges not only awarded him...

The No Bell Piece Prize, but also...

The Pullet Surprise!

kcirnamffoh
10-07-2005, 12:44 PM
I don’t want to alarm anybody but next time you go sit on the pot you might consider this: The South American Blush Spider (arachnius gluteus-maximus) has recently hospitalized at least three people in the Chicago area. These spiders seek out cool damp areas to nest, with the inside rim of a toilet bowl being perfect. Just letting you know.

Frankie
10-07-2005, 03:16 PM
I don’t want to alarm anybody but next time you go sit on the pot you might consider this: The South American Blush Spider (arachnius gluteus-maximus) has recently hospitalized at least three people in the Chicago area. These spiders seek out cool damp areas to nest, with the inside rim of a toilet bowl being perfect. Just letting you know.
?

greg63
10-07-2005, 10:11 PM
?

???

chefsos
10-07-2005, 10:36 PM
I don’t want to alarm anybody but next time you go sit on the pot you might consider this: The South American Blush Spider (arachnius gluteus-maximus) has recently hospitalized at least three people in the Chicago area. These spiders seek out cool damp areas to nest, with the inside rim of a toilet bowl being perfect. Just letting you know.

????




(I gotta say, when the punch line gets here, it had better be damn good. Oops. darn good. Clean. Clean.)

Frankie
10-10-2005, 12:11 PM
This one just arrived by e-mail:


A BLONDE DECIDES TO TRY HORSEBACK RIDING, EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS HAD NO LESSONS OR PRIOR EXPERIENCE. SHE MOUNTS THE HORSE, UNASSISTED, AND THE HORSE IMMEDIATELY SPINGS INTO MOTION.

IT GALLOPS ALONG AT A STEADY AND RHYTHMIC PACE, BUT THE BLONDE BEGINS TO SLIP FROM THE SADDLE. IN TERROR, SHE GRABS FOR THE HORSE'S MANE, BUT CANNOT SEEM TO GET A FIRM GRIP. SHE TRIES TO THROW HER ARMS AROUND THE HORSE'S NECK, BUT SHE SLIDES DOWN THE SIDE OF THE HORSE ANYWAY. THE HORSE GALLOPS ALONG, SEEMINGLY IMPERVIOUS TO IT'S SLIPPING RIDER.

FINALLY, GIVING UP HER FRAIL GRIP, THE BLONDE ATTEMPTS TO LEAP AWAY FROM THE HORSE AND THROW HERSELF TO SAFETY.

UNFORTUNATELY, HER FOOT HAS BECOME ENTANGLED IN THE STIRRUP, SHE IS NOW AT THE MERCY OF THE HORSE'S POUNDING HOOVES AS HER HEAD IS STRUCK AGAINST THE GROUND OVER AND OVER.

AS HER HEAD IS BATTERED AGAINST THE GROUND, SHE IS MERE MOMENTS AWAY FROM UNCONSCIOUSNESS WHEN TO HER GREAT FORTUNE.......

...BEN, THE WALMART GREETER, SEES HERE AND UNPLUGS THE HORSE!!

Valiant
10-10-2005, 12:48 PM
????




(I gotta say, when the punch line gets here, it had better be damn good. Oops. darn good. Clean. Clean.)

he South American Blush Spider (arachnius gluteus-maximus) I think you missed it...

luv
10-10-2005, 12:52 PM
I heard a blonde joke last night that I don't think I had heard before.

How did the blonde try to kill the fish?



By drowning it.

Frankie
10-10-2005, 01:09 PM
I heard a blonde joke last night that I don't think I had heard before.

How did the blonde try to kill the fish?



By drowning it.
:LOL:

Biohazard
10-10-2005, 03:47 PM
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large
company and hands the executive his application.

The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the
applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible.
You've been fired from every job."

"Yes" says the man.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in
that."

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm
not a quitter."

Biohazard
10-10-2005, 03:49 PM
A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying, is unable
to get it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the
bird to a vet for advice.

The vet tells him that the parrot's beak is too long which is
preventing him from speaking. He says that he can file it down
for $100.

The parrot's owner thought that was rather expensive and wondered
aloud if he could just file it down himself.

The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure and must
be done by a trained professional. If he does not file enough,
the bird still wont be able to talk, but if he files too much,
the bird will drown while drinking his water.

The man decides to think it over and leaves with the parrot.

Several weeks later, the vet happens to meet the parrot owner who
is looking rather down. He inquires about the parrot and the man
replies that his parrot is dead.

"Did you try to file his beak down yourself?" asked the vet.

The man nods his head.

"And he drowned while trying to drink his water, right?"

"No," replied the parrot's owner, "he was dead when I took his
head out of the vise."

MOhillbilly
10-10-2005, 03:50 PM
Jack was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Jack kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the dinner pot, and was replaced. That took an awful lot of time, so Jack got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Jack's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was too, only his bell had not rung all morning! Jack went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing, but Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Jack was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation!

The judges not only awarded him...

The No Bell Piece Prize, but also...

The Pullet Surprise!

nice cock humor.

Biohazard
10-10-2005, 03:57 PM
Hope no one takes offence to these!SOME JOKES OF THE MALE CHAUVINIST TYPE.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."

How do you fix a woman's watch?You don't. There's a clock on the
oven.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring,
Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV"
I said,"Dust!"

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo
Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She
looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That
happens in every country, son."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing: "You can have mine."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look
hot.

KS Smitty
10-10-2005, 03:57 PM
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"

"Up here - - we work by results," says Saint Peter, "while you preached - - people slept; while he flew - - people prayed."

JBucc
10-10-2005, 03:58 PM
liar

Biohazard
10-10-2005, 04:10 PM
In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she
would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the
class and said,

"Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what
would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold,
because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said,
"I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold
and I could buy a Porsche"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Adam. Little Adam
stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Adam, why silicon?"

"Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the
sports cars parked outside of our house!!"

Biohazard
10-10-2005, 04:20 PM
liar
:p

Biohazard
10-10-2005, 04:34 PM
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband
went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want
to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less
costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry
bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his
ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man
in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer
can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can
between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

(This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia,
Mississippi and West Virginia.)

Frankie
10-10-2005, 05:55 PM
Hope no one takes offence to these!SOME JOKES OF THE MALE CHAUVINIST TYPE.

The women on this forum are pretty good sports. Don't worry.

Frankie
10-10-2005, 05:57 PM
Hey Bio, come up for air dude. You are postin'em faster than we can read'em.

Frankie
10-11-2005, 08:53 AM
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband
went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want
to have any more children.
......
.......

(This procedure also works in Tennessee, Arkansas, Virginia,
Mississippi and West Virginia.)

ROFL

Frankie
10-13-2005, 01:32 PM
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence.

"Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

"I reckon so," replied the farmer.

The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

"Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

C-Mac
10-13-2005, 01:39 PM
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and
neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife
sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."

Frankie
10-13-2005, 01:44 PM
'Vegetarian'

=An old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'

plbrdude
10-14-2005, 11:30 AM
>>Little Tommy was in the 4th grade class when the teacher asked the
>>>children what their fathers did for a living. All of the typical
>>>answers
>>>came up fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...Tommy was being
>>>uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his
>>>father.
>>>
>>>"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his
>>>clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offers really
>>>good,
>>>he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for
>>>money.
>>>
>>>The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
>>>other
>>>children to work on some coloring, and took little Tommy aside to
>>>ask
>>>him, "Is that really true about your father?"
>>>
>>>"No," said Tommy," He plays for the Chiefs, but I was too
>>>embarrassed to
>>>say so."
>>>

joesomebody
10-14-2005, 12:05 PM
Did you hear that since the Clinton Administration, there is an 11th commandment?

Thou shall not use thy rod on thy staff

joesomebody
10-14-2005, 12:23 PM
What did Sam Houston's wife say to her lawyer during her divorce?

Remember the Alimo-ny!

Simplex3
10-14-2005, 12:35 PM
What did Sam Houston's wife say to her lawyer during her divorce?

Remember the Alimo-ny!
:spock:

Otter
10-14-2005, 12:35 PM
Me and Iowanian are out walking around hunting when we come across a sheep with his head caught in a fence. I run up, pull down my pants and screw the sheep.

When I'm done I look over at Iowanian and say "your turn".

Next thing I know Iowanian throws down his gun, runs up, pulls down his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

Frankie
10-14-2005, 12:39 PM
What did Sam Houston's wife say to her lawyer during her divorce?

Remember the Alimo-ny!

That one sounds a little home-made.

Frankie
10-14-2005, 12:42 PM
Me and Iowanian are out walking around hunting when we come across a sheep with his head caught in a fence. I run up, pull down my pants and screw the sheep.

When I'm done I look over at Iowanian and say "your turn".

Next thing I know Iowanian throws down his gun, runs up, pulls down his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

Funny, but shoulda been posted in the "Friday goof off" thread not in the "CLEAN" jokes thread.

SNR
10-14-2005, 12:48 PM
Me and Iowanian are out walking around hunting when we come across a sheep with his head caught in a fence. I run up, pull down my pants and screw the sheep.

When I'm done I look over at Iowanian and say "your turn".

Next thing I know Iowanian throws down his gun, runs up, pulls down his pants and sticks his head in the fence.
ROFL

joesomebody
10-14-2005, 12:55 PM
That one sounds a little home-made.I'm sure I didn't word it exactly how it was, but a history professor I had was full of crap like these... for some reason this is the only one I remember though.

joesomebody
10-14-2005, 12:56 PM
If women with large breasts work at hooters, where do women with one leg work?








IHOP!

sedated
10-14-2005, 01:05 PM
Two muffins are baking in an oven.

One muffin turns to the other and says, "It's getting hot in here."

The other muffins turns to the first muffin and says, "Holy hell...a talking muffin!"

Hydrae
10-14-2005, 01:07 PM
Did you hear about the acron that fell asleep one day and when he woke up said, geometry! (Gee, Ah'm a tree).


(Sorry, Joe mentioning bad jokes by a teacher made me remember this from my Algebra 2 teacher.)

Cochise
10-14-2005, 01:08 PM
Q: What picks its nose, eats toejam, and has skidmarks in its underwear?

A: milehighfan

Lzen
10-14-2005, 01:09 PM
White Trash Survival Kit



Toilet Paper...........................................................check

Bud Light..............................................................check

Keystone Ice...........................................................check

Budweiser..............................................................check

Red Dog................................................................check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol.........................................check

Piece of plywood to float your chick and booze on......................check

Lzen
10-14-2005, 01:24 PM
How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Marcellus
10-14-2005, 02:01 PM
What's the difference between Invesco Field at Mile High and a Hoover vaccum cleaner?



You can only fit one dirtbag in a Hoover.

C-Mac
10-17-2005, 09:14 AM
Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and
falling to sleep.

All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe
standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he
asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and
you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too
young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog
or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is
too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around
with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken housen, really nicely
feathered.

But for some reason he felt like his rear end was gonna explode.

Then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told
me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my butt is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need
to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all
you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!"

So he clucked again and squeezed.

And you better believe it, there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You've crapped in the bed.....!!!

greg63
10-17-2005, 01:45 PM
How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way...

ROFLROFLROFLROFL

Lzen
10-17-2005, 01:58 PM
What's the difference between Invesco Field at Mile High and a Hoover vaccum cleaner?



You can only fit one dirtbag in a Hoover.

I heard that joke a little differently. It goes like this:

What's the difference between a biker and a Hoover vaccuum cleaner?

The position of the dirt bag.

Frankie
10-19-2005, 12:12 PM
A woman's car breaks down on the highway, so she eases over on to the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the hood.

Out of the back seat jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle. They stand facing on-coming traffic, open their coats and expose themselves to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, a traffic tie-up occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop.

"Oh, I HAVE read auto safety books, you know." replies the blonde "These are my emergency flashers!"

Frankie
10-19-2005, 01:51 PM
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages.....


Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Farsi
Doostet Dahram

Thai
Phom rak khun

Italian
Ti amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Nice Ass , Get in the truck

greg63
10-19-2005, 11:23 PM
Errrrrrrrr, screeeeeeetch, Errrrrrrrr, screeeeeeetch, Errrrrrrrr, screeeeeeetch!!! - …A blond driving through a flashing red light.

KChiefsQT
10-19-2005, 11:54 PM
There was an 80 year old female virgin who started to feel itchy down south.....


So she decided to go see a doctor. The first doctor examined her and said.. I'm sorry ma'am but it looks like you have a nice case of crabs. The woman is appauled as she has never been with a man before... so she gets up and leaves to get a seocnd opinion.

The next doctor tells her the same thing.. she explains to him she's never had sex before so this is impossible and goes to a third doctor for a final opinion.

The third doctor examines her, Is clearly disgusted at what he sees and then tells her. I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you do not have crabs. The bad news is your cooch is infested with fruit flies, ma'am your cherry has rotted.



Ooops... was this supposed to be a clean jokes only threeaD??? MY BAD!

Simplex3
10-19-2005, 11:56 PM
There was an 80 year old female virgin who started to feel itchy down south.....


So she decided to go see a doctor. The first doctor examined her and said.. I'm sorry ma'am but it looks like you have a nice case of crabs. The woman is appauled as she has never been with a man before... so she gets up and leaves to get a seocnd opinion.

The next doctor tells her the same thing.. she explains to him she's never had sex before so this is impossible and goes to a third doctor for a final opinion.

The third doctor examines her, Is clearly disgusted at what he sees and then tells her. I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you do not have crabs. The bad news is your cooch is infested with fruit flies, ma'am your cherry has rotted.



Ooops... was this supposed to be a clean jokes only threeaD??? MY BAD!
:spock:

:Lin:

joesomebody
10-20-2005, 07:55 AM
Friendship among women:A woman doesn't come home one night.The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friends house. The man calls his wife's ten best friends. None of them know about it.


Friendship among men:A man doesn't come home one night.The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friends house. The woman calls her husbands ten best friends. Eight of them say he did sleep over and two claim he's still there.

joesomebody
10-20-2005, 07:56 AM
THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY --
WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.

THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID.
" I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG.
THE JAPANESE WOMEN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED,
"THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH.
NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.

SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID,
"WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.
I'M GETTIN' A FAX."

Edubs
10-20-2005, 08:32 AM
Billy Bob and Billy Joe were sitting on Billy Bob's front porch and Billy Joe said "I am bored, let's play a game."
Billy Bob said "Ok, I am going to think of something and you guess what I am thinking about."
Billy Bob took about two seconds and decided on Donkey Dick.
Billy Bob said "Ok, I am ready."
Billy Joe said "Is it Donkey Dick?"

Saulbadguy
10-20-2005, 04:27 PM
Big breasted women work at Hooters...

So where does a one legged woman work?




















IHOP :)

Frankie
10-20-2005, 04:46 PM
Big breasted women work at Hooters...

So where does a one legged woman work?




IHOP :)

I think someone else told us this one earlier.

But you say it with panache!

SNR
10-22-2005, 06:05 PM
Q: How many menopausal women does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. It's just that way, okay? Drop it!

SNR
10-22-2005, 06:08 PM
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 15. One to change it and the other fourteen to drink until the room starts spinning

SNR
10-22-2005, 06:09 PM
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the lightbulb must want to change first

greg63
10-22-2005, 11:01 PM
Q: How many menopausal women does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. It's just that way, okay? Drop it!


Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 15. One to change it and the other fourteen to drink until the room starts spinning


Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the lightbulb must want to change first

ROFLROFLROFL Priceless

Frankie
10-24-2005, 11:53 AM
A circus fell on hard times and had to sell its animals. The lion tamer was left with just one potential trainee--a bassett hound. Fortunately, the dog quickly learned the act. There was just one problem: the trainer could not put his head in the dog's mouth because it was too small. He solved that by sticking his foot in.

On opening night, the crowd, which had never seen such an act, went wild. "Encore, encore!" the crowd yelled.

The trainer had not considered an encore, and improvised by sticking his second foot in the dog's mouth. Choking, the bassett panicked and bit off the trainer's feet.

The moral: Don't put all your legs in one bassett.

Lzen
10-24-2005, 12:37 PM
A pic of Hurricane Wilma

Frankie
10-25-2005, 01:10 PM
This fellow had owned this large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horse shoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."

Saul Good
10-25-2005, 01:25 PM
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Frankie
10-25-2005, 01:39 PM
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
ROFL Lame but funny.

Saul Good
10-25-2005, 02:00 PM
A man was driving down a winding road in a convertible while smoking a cigar. A woman in a convertible drove by the other direction and yelled "Pig!" The man yelled back "Bitch!" The man then drove around the corner and crashed into a pig.

Saul Good
10-25-2005, 02:05 PM
A man was standing in his front yard when he saw a hearse drive slowly by. Then another hearse drove by. Behind that hearse was a man walking a dog. 100 men were walking single-file behind that man.
The man in his yard asked the man with the dog, "What's going on here?" The man with the dog replied, "You see that first hearse? That's my wife."

"I'm so sorry. What happened?"

"She started yelling at me for always drinking and watching sports. Next thing you know, my dog here attacked and killed her."

"Wow. What about the other hearse?"

"Well, that's my mother in law. When she found out what happened, she started screaming and yelling at me and the dog attacked her too."

"Really?"

"Yep"

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

greg63
10-25-2005, 11:09 PM
A man was driving down a winding road in a convertible while smoking a cigar. A woman in a convertible drove by the other direction and yelled "Pig!" The man yelled back "Bitch!" The man then drove around the corner and crashed into a pig.

ROFLROFLROFLROFL Too funny!

Frankie
11-10-2005, 10:55 AM
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" lifting her tank top to reveal a wonderful pair of C-cuppers.

"Errm, very good, dear," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24...."

Lin Elliot
11-10-2005, 11:27 AM
We could have beat the Colts in that playoff game if our defense would have been better.

Frankie
11-10-2005, 05:23 PM
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.

greg63
11-10-2005, 10:59 PM
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St Peter."

Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.

ROFLROFLROFLROFL

Frankie
11-13-2005, 08:12 AM
True bravery is arriving home late after a boys' night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask, "Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"

Lzen
11-15-2005, 08:59 AM
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday. His wife

told him "Alright buster, tomorrow there had better be something in the

driveway for me that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds flat or you're in for

it!"



The next morning the wife awoke early and looking out her bedroom window,

spotted a small package in the driveway. She was a little perturbed as this

wasn't what she was expecting. She went out and retrieved the package, and

upon opening it, found a handsome, brand new bathroom scale!



Funeral arrangements for the husband are set for this Saturday.

ROYC75
11-15-2005, 10:51 AM
A indian man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only dark skinned man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."

The indian man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen
sir....when I was born I was Brown," "When I grew up I was Brown," "When I'm sick I'm Brown," "When I go in the sun I'm Brown," "When I'm cold I'm Brown," "When I die I'll be Brown."

"But you sir." "When you're born you're pink," "When you grow up you're white," "When you're sick, you're green," "When you go in the sun you turn red," "When you're cold you turn blue," "And when you die you turn purple." "And you have the nerve to call me colored?"

The indian man then sat back down and the white man walked away...

greg63
11-15-2005, 11:08 PM
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday. ...

...Just too funny to ignore!

Rep!

Frankie
11-18-2005, 05:35 PM
Helen, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Fred, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to Fred and others that everyone seeing it there would know for certain that he was an alcoholic. Fred, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Fred, quietly parked his pickup in front of Helen's house...............

AND he left it there all night.

memyselfI
11-18-2005, 07:04 PM
Helen, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Fred, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to Fred and others that everyone seeing it there would know for certain that he was an alcoholic. Fred, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Helen's house...............

AND he left it there all night.

Helen and George... :hmmm:

Those names have a history here. ;)

Frankie
11-18-2005, 08:41 PM
Helen and George... :hmmm:

Those names have a history here. ;)

They do, don't they. BTW, "George" not being one of my favorite names these days, I changed it to Fred in that joke. Didn't catch that last one in time. Kinda ruined a joke that wasn't all that hillarious to begin with.

greg63
11-19-2005, 12:35 AM
They do, don't they. BTW, "George" not being one of my favorite names these days, I changed it to Fred in that joke. Didn't catch that last one in time. Kinda ruined a joke that wasn't all that hillarious to begin with.

Ok, now I get it. :D

sedated
11-19-2005, 01:02 AM
The bartender calls last call, and the man that's been at the bar all night goes to stand up from his bar stool. He falls down.

He crawls out the door and to his car but still cannot stand up.

He only lives a few blocks away, so he decides to crawl home. When he gets to his front door he still cannot stand up.

He crawls inside and to his bed. He cannot stand to get in his bed so he crawls in there as well.

The next morning, his wife wakes him up and says, "you were drinking at the bar last night, weren't you?"

"Yes, but how did you know?" he replies.

"Because you left your wheelchair there again."

Frankie
11-19-2005, 09:16 AM
(This one for the planeteers of female persuation)


Dear Lord, I pray for:

Wisdom, To understand a man

Love, To forgive him and

Patience, For his moods

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength

I'll just beat him to death.

Frankie
11-19-2005, 09:16 AM
The bartender calls last call, and the man that's been at the bar all night goes to stand up from his bar stool. He falls down.

He crawls out the door and to his car but still cannot stand up.

He only lives a few blocks away, so he decides to crawl home. When he gets to his front door he still cannot stand up.

He crawls inside and to his bed. He cannot stand to get in his bed so he crawls in there as well.

The next morning, his wife wakes him up and says, "you were drinking at the bar last night, weren't you?"

"Yes, but how did you know?" he replies.

"Because you left your wheelchair there again."
ROFL Good one.

ChiefFripp
11-25-2005, 04:39 AM
A cowboy, walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of an underaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a while and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife! I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman
truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Frankie
11-26-2005, 07:55 AM
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't even figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

"According to the picture on the box," answers the blonde, "it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He looks at the pieces, then looks at the box. He turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster. He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he says with a deep sigh........................"we'll put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

Frankie
12-13-2005, 07:19 PM
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"

greg63
12-14-2005, 05:30 AM
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"

ROFLROFLROFLROFL :LOL:

That's just too funny!

Mike in SW-MO
12-14-2005, 07:01 AM
Three hunters are lost in the forest.

One turns to the others and says "The international sign of distress is three shots fired into the air."

So they take turns firing three shots into the air every hour watching and listening anxiously for signs of rescue.

After a couple of days, the third hunters begins to get worried and says to the first hunter, "I hope somebody finds us soon, we're just about out of arrows."

Frankie
12-14-2005, 08:17 PM
The silver haired lady confronted her doctor with a complaint of pains all over her body.

"Be more precise," he said. "So I can help you, try pointing to some of the places that hurt.

The silver-haired doll put her finger on her arm and said, "Ouch!" then her finger to her hip and said, "Ouch!" and then to her rib cage and said, "Ouch!" again.

The doctor stopped her and asked, "Were you a blonde before your hair grayed"?

"Why yes!" she said excitedly, "But how did you know?"

The Doc answered, "Your finger's broken."

Bob Dole
12-19-2005, 08:10 AM
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A half carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A small head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

greg63
12-19-2005, 09:53 AM
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A half carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A small head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
:LOL: Hilarious!! ROFL

Ultra Peanut
12-19-2005, 10:28 AM
It has been speculated that these stations operate as a simple and foolproof method for government agencies to communicate with spies "in the field". According to this theory, the messages are encrypted with a one-time pad, to avoid any risk of decryption by the enemy. As evidence, numbers stations have changed details of their broadcasts or produced "special", non-scheduled broadcasts in response to extraordinary political events, such as the Russian constitutional crisis of 1993. Others speculate that some of these stations may be related to illegal drug smuggling operations. Although no broadcaster or government will acknowledge or give a reason for their existence, a 1998 article in The Daily Telegraph quoted a spokesperson for the Department of Trade and Industry (the government agency that regulates radio broadcasting in the United Kingdom) as saying, "These [numbers stations] are what you suppose they are. People shouldn't be mystified by them. They are not for, shall we say, public consumption."

Numbers stations are often given nicknames by enthusiasts. These nicknames often reflect some distinctive element of the station. For example, "Lincolnshire Poacher", one of the best known numbers stations, supposed by many to be run by MI6, plays the first two bars of the folk song of that name before each string of numbers. "Magnetic Fields" plays music from French electronic musician Jean Michel Jarre before and after each set of numbers. The "Atención" station begins its transmission with the Spanish phrase "¡Atención! ¡Atención!"

Errors at the transmission site, radio direction-finding, and a knowledge of shortwave radio propagation have also provided clues to number station locations. For example, the "Atención" station is presumed to be from Cuba, as a supposed error allowed Radio Habana Cuba to be carried on the frequency.

On some stations, tones can be heard in the background. It has been suggested that in such cases the voice may be an aid to tuning to the correct frequency, with the coded message being sent by modulating the tones, perhaps using a technology such as burst transmission.

Bob Dole
12-19-2005, 10:45 AM
It has been speculated that these stations operate as a simple and foolproof method for government agencies to communicate with spies "in the field". According to this theory, the messages are encrypted with a one-time pad, to avoid any risk of decryption by the enemy. As evidence, numbers stations have changed details of their broadcasts or produced "special", non-scheduled broadcasts in response to extraordinary political events, such as the Russian constitutional crisis of 1993. Others speculate that some of these stations may be related to illegal drug smuggling operations. Although no broadcaster or government will acknowledge or give a reason for their existence, a 1998 article in The Daily Telegraph quoted a spokesperson for the Department of Trade and Industry (the government agency that regulates radio broadcasting in the United Kingdom) as saying, "These [numbers stations] are what you suppose they are. People shouldn't be mystified by them. They are not for, shall we say, public consumption."

Numbers stations are often given nicknames by enthusiasts. These nicknames often reflect some distinctive element of the station. For example, "Lincolnshire Poacher", one of the best known numbers stations, supposed by many to be run by MI6, plays the first two bars of the folk song of that name before each string of numbers. "Magnetic Fields" plays music from French electronic musician Jean Michel Jarre before and after each set of numbers. The "Atención" station begins its transmission with the Spanish phrase "¡Atención! ¡Atención!"

Errors at the transmission site, radio direction-finding, and a knowledge of shortwave radio propagation have also provided clues to number station locations. For example, the "Atención" station is presumed to be from Cuba, as a supposed error allowed Radio Habana Cuba to be carried on the frequency.

On some stations, tones can be heard in the background. It has been suggested that in such cases the voice may be an aid to tuning to the correct frequency, with the coded message being sent by modulating the tones, perhaps using a technology such as burst transmission.

That's some funny shit right there.

Frankie
12-19-2005, 06:42 PM
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," replied the perp.

greg63
12-20-2005, 06:02 AM
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," replied the perp.

Was it that mad sale at Wal-Mart?? You know Black....whatever day it was. :D

Frankie
12-20-2005, 09:20 PM
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

Frankie
12-20-2005, 09:21 PM
An old man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

greg63
12-21-2005, 06:48 AM
RRRRRRRR, EEEEEEEEEE, RRRRRRRRR, EEEEEEEEEEE

…A blond going through a flashing red light.

Frankie
01-07-2006, 10:43 AM
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I am about to receive...."

KS Smitty
01-13-2006, 08:16 PM
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

jjchieffan
01-13-2006, 09:22 PM
Daaad, cries little Billy, I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet. That's alright, says dad, we will throw it away, and get you a new one, it has gross germs on it. Oh really, replied Billy, we had better get you a new one too. I dropped it in the toilet last week.

greg63
01-14-2006, 10:50 PM
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I am about to receive...."

ROFLROFLROFL

...My luck.

kc hopeful
01-20-2006, 02:29 PM
It's tough to be a Husker in Kansas!

Frankie
01-21-2006, 11:21 AM
Wong gets himself a job on the road construction crew. He is teamed up with Steve and Joe responsible to lay down drainage pipes alongside a road segment. On the first day the foreman instructs:

"Steve, Joe you are in charge of digging and laying pipes"

He then turns to Wong and says,"Wong, you are in charge of supplies."

The foreman returns at the end of the day to see no work done and Steve and Joe sitting and smoking.

"What's this?" He shouts angrily, "Why haven't you done anything?"

"Well Wong went for supplies and never came back" reply Steve and Joe.

"Which way did he go?"

They point at the wooded area nearby. The foreman walks toward the trees shouting "Wong! Wong!"... just as he gets close to the first tree out jumps Wong from behind it, triumphantly shouting:

"SUPLISE!"

Hydrae
02-04-2006, 03:10 PM
When a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wonder why?

Because she smells like a new truck! :D

Road Hog
02-04-2006, 05:26 PM
Why do people read the Bible more often as they get older?
"They're Cramming!"

kc hopeful
02-19-2006, 12:29 PM
Quick Thinker

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some a**h*** wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here."

"Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"No s***???" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

Frankie
02-19-2006, 12:50 PM
Quick Thinker

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some a**h*** wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here."

"Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"No s***???" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
ROFL

Frankie
02-20-2006, 03:37 PM
TWO NUNS

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

Frankie
02-22-2006, 09:27 PM
Kclee just did a thread with this joke. But I thought its home should be this thread. (Plus, it's a hell of a way for me to get a cheap post in. ;) ) :

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Kentucky and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home
when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Kentucky. This is a Tennessee duck. You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Tennessee duck. This duck's from Mississippi. You got a Mississippi license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck , sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Boy, just where the hell are you from?"

The hillbilly turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said,"You tell me. You're the expert."

Simplex3
02-22-2006, 09:49 PM
An Indian chief was sitting by the campfire one night and noticed an eight your old Indian who looked troubled. He called to the young man and told him to come sit by him and explain what was troubling him.

"I was trying to figure out why we are named the way we are."

So the Chief replies, "Well, son, we believe our names should be connected to the Earth that keeps us. So, when a child is born we look out the teepee door and name the child after the first thing we see. Your brother Flying Eagle was born near mountains, your sister Running Brook was born in a valley. Why do you ask Two Dogs Screwing?"

Delano
02-22-2006, 09:56 PM
Joke

Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by another man. The IRS guy assumed the other man was Ralph's attorney.

Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?"

Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.

"I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"

Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.

The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.

Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned official was now three grand in the hole

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and piss into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!

Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk.

The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Ralph's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

The man replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

Frankie
03-05-2006, 10:33 AM
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House,'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.''
''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''
A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora'') because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (''el computador'') because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better
model.

The girls won.

greg63
03-05-2006, 11:30 PM
A rich woman sitting at her vanity mirror in her bed room notices the butler walking by her bedroom door. She calls to the butler and orders him to come into her bedroom and to close the door behind him. She then looks deep into his eyes and with a soft sensual voice says: “I want you to take off my dress”. The butler being one that always does as he is told by his master complied with her command. The woman then ordered the obedient servant to: “Take off my stockings”, and the butler complied. She then demanded him to “Take off my bra, and my panties!” The butler, once again, complied. The rich woman then informed the butler that: “I never want to see you in those clothes again!”

big nasty kcnut
03-05-2006, 11:34 PM
why did the chicken cross the road

cause the road killed his brother

Frankie
03-05-2006, 11:41 PM
A rich woman sitting at her vanity mirror in her bed room notices the butler walking by her bedroom door. She calls to the butler and orders him to come into her bedroom and to close the door behind him. She then looks deep into his eyes and with a soft sensual voice says: “I want you to take off my dress”. The butler being one that always does as he is told by his master complied with her command. The woman then ordered the obedient servant to: “Take off my stockings”, and the butler complied. She then demanded him to “Take off my bra, and my panties!” The butler, once again, complied. The rich woman then informed the butler that: “I never want to see you in those clothes again!”
For a moment there, Greg, I thought I'd have to right you a ticket for violating the thread guidelines. But you were saved by the punchline. ;)

greg63
03-05-2006, 11:53 PM
For a moment there, Greg, I thought I'd have to right you a ticket for violating the thread guidelines. But you were saved by the punchline. ;)


ROFLROFLROFL

The effect I was hoping for. :D

el borracho
03-06-2006, 01:21 AM
Why did the psychic cross the road?


To get to the 'other side.'

PostalChief
03-06-2006, 02:42 AM
Three dogs are sitting near each other in a veterinarian's waiting room. The first dog looks at the second dog and asks, "So, what are you here for?" The second dog answers, "I'm a digger. I've dug up flower beds, shrubs, and a bunch of sod. Well, the other day I was sleeping in my master's chair. I had a bad dream about digging and tore up the leather cushions. He went nuts and now I'm here to be neutered."

The first dog replies, "I know what you mean because I'm a pooper. I poop everywhere. I've pooped in the kitchen, the living room and all the bedrooms. Well, I was sleeping in my master's bed and I just couldn't help myself. Now, here I am getting neutered too."

The first and second dog look at the third dog and ask, "What about you, pal?" The third dog answers, "Hey, I'm a humper. I hump everything. I've humped cats, rabbits and squirrels. Hell, I've even tried to hump a chicken. The other day, I was walking by the bathroom and my master had just finished her shower. As she bent over to towel her legs, I lost it. I humped her."

The first dog asks, "Are you getting neutered too?"

The third dog answers, "Hell no, I'm just here to get my claws trimmed."

greg63
03-12-2006, 02:06 AM
A man walked into a doctor's office. "What do you have?" the receptionist asked. "Shingles," he replied. She told him to sit down. Soon a nurse called him and asked, "What do you have?" "Shingles," he replied. She took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then she took him to a room and told him to remove all of his clothes. After a few minutes the doctor came in and asked, "What do you have?" "Shingles," the man told him. The doctor looked him up and down and said, "Where?" "Out on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?"


Nite Planet!

Frankie
03-20-2006, 09:42 AM
The following are funny enough to be posted but lame enough to be all in one post. Good for a smile:


Dear Abby: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until, one night, he came home sober.


The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook."


An Indian fell into an outhouse and got trapped for a very long time. After a long time a man came and fished him out. The man asked the Indian how long he had been in there.
The Indian replied, "I've seen many moons."

rad
03-20-2006, 12:21 PM
A man at a bar one night drank too much and wound up vomiting down the front of his shirt. "crap, my wifes gonna flip, I promised her I'd quit drinking". The guy next to him picks up the poor man's $20 that was in front of him and slips it into his breast pocket. "There. When you get home tell her you stayed late at the office and some slob sitting next to you on the bus puked on you and gave you that to cover the dry cleaning". "That's brilliant, thanks brother", as her stumbled out of the bar on his way home.

Upon arriving home, his agitated wife demands an explanation. As the poor slob recites the story, he produces the money from his pocket. "See, here's the $20 he gave me". His wife takes it and says "there's $40 dollars here"................

"Oh yeah" the man says "he crapped in my pants too."

Inspector
03-20-2006, 12:56 PM
It has been speculated that these stations operate as a simple and foolproof method for government agencies to communicate with spies "in the field". According to this theory, the messages are encrypted with a one-time pad, to avoid any risk of decryption by the enemy. As evidence, numbers stations have changed details of their broadcasts or produced "special", non-scheduled broadcasts in response to extraordinary political events, such as the Russian constitutional crisis of 1993. Others speculate that some of these stations may be related to illegal drug smuggling operations. Although no broadcaster or government will acknowledge or give a reason for their existence, a 1998 article in The Daily Telegraph quoted a spokesperson for the Department of Trade and Industry (the government agency that regulates radio broadcasting in the United Kingdom) as saying, "These [numbers stations] are what you suppose they are. People shouldn't be mystified by them. They are not for, shall we say, public consumption."

Numbers stations are often given nicknames by enthusiasts. These nicknames often reflect some distinctive element of the station. For example, "Lincolnshire Poacher", one of the best known numbers stations, supposed by many to be run by MI6, plays the first two bars of the folk song of that name before each string of numbers. "Magnetic Fields" plays music from French electronic musician Jean Michel Jarre before and after each set of numbers. The "Atención" station begins its transmission with the Spanish phrase "¡Atención! ¡Atención!"

Errors at the transmission site, radio direction-finding, and a knowledge of shortwave radio propagation have also provided clues to number station locations. For example, the "Atención" station is presumed to be from Cuba, as a supposed error allowed Radio Habana Cuba to be carried on the frequency.

On some stations, tones can be heard in the background. It has been suggested that in such cases the voice may be an aid to tuning to the correct frequency, with the coded message being sent by modulating the tones, perhaps using a technology such as burst transmission.


ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL


Oh man, that's some funny shit!!



















But......I don't get it.

greg63
03-20-2006, 11:52 PM
A man at a bar one night drank too much and wound up vomiting down the front of his shirt. "crap, my wifes gonna flip, I promised her I'd quit drinking". The guy next to him picks up the poor man's $20 that was in front of him and slips it into his breast pocket. "There. When you get home tell her you stayed late at the office and some slob sitting next to you on the bus puked on you and gave you that to cover the dry cleaning". "That's brilliant, thanks brother", as her stumbled out of the bar on his way home.

Upon arriving home, his agitated wife demands an explanation. As the poor slob recites the story, he produces the money from his pocket. "See, here's the $20 he gave me". His wife takes it and says "there's $40 dollars here"................

"Oh yeah" the man says "he crapped in my pants too."

ROFLROFLROFL

HemiEd
03-28-2006, 01:54 PM
AMISH ELEVATOR

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked,
"What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I
don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old
lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued
to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to
light in the rever se order. Finally the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."

StcChief
03-28-2006, 02:16 PM
:rolf a good one.

Frankie
03-28-2006, 04:44 PM
Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."

"Moishe Plotnik?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?'
He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.'
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sem Ting.'"

ROYC75
03-28-2006, 04:57 PM
Somebody ( a KSU fan ) claimed Huggins will run a clean program at KSU............. :D

4th and Long
03-28-2006, 08:28 PM
A young blond woman in Kansas City, Missouri was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Missouri River. She went down to the river and was about to leap into the frigid water, when a handsome young man saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm a sailor, and will be leaving off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of your sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is." the captain said. "This is Harrah's Casino and we never leave North Kansas City."

HemiEd
03-29-2006, 04:02 AM
:LOL: That may be pushing the envelope for "clean joke."

Guru
03-29-2006, 04:39 AM
A young blond woman in Kansas City, Missouri was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Missouri River. She went down to the river and was about to leap into the frigid water, when a handsome young man saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm a sailor, and will be leaving off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of your sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is." the captain said. "This is Harrah's Casino and we never leave North Kansas City."
ROFL ROFL ROFL

Frankie
03-29-2006, 08:35 AM
:LOL: That may be pushing the envelope for "clean joke."
My thoughts too. But a funny joke, nevertheless.

DMAC
03-29-2006, 08:44 AM
A Polock walks into a bar with a pile of steamy crap in his hands and says "Hey everyone, look what I almost stepped in!!"

Gonzo
03-29-2006, 08:50 AM
So, a bear walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a beer!" The bartenders says,"Sorry..we don't serve bears in here." So the bear looks around and sees a skanky old maid at the end of the bar and says to the bartender, "You see that old bitch at the end of the bar?" "Yes" said the bartender. "Well, you either give me a beer or I will go to the end of the bar and eat that sad old bitch." The bartender still refuses to serve the bear a beer. So, infuriated, the bear walks to the end of the bar, picks up the old hag and in one fail swoop eats her up. Smiling, the bear walks back to the bartender and says, "Now then, give me a beer right now!" The bartender looks at the bear and says, "Sorry, we don't serve drug users in this bar." The bear agrily yells at the bartender, "I have NEVER used drugs in my life!!!" The bartender leans to the bear and says, "What about that Bar-Bitch you ate?"

yunghungwell
03-29-2006, 12:14 PM
Two molecules were walking down the street and accidentally bumped into each other. The first molecule says, "I'm sorry, are you all right?" and the second one says "No, I lost an electron!" The first one says "Well, are you sure?" so the second one replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he pulls out his wallet to pay the bartender, the bartender says, "Whoa, whoa, its ok. For you NO CHARGE!"

DMAC
03-29-2006, 12:48 PM
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he pulls out his wallet to pay the bartender, the bartender says, "Whoa, whoa, its ok. For you NO CHARGE!":shake::doh!:

DMAC
03-29-2006, 12:58 PM
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

DMAC
03-29-2006, 01:00 PM
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.

DMAC
03-29-2006, 01:03 PM
I'm sure everyone has heard this one,

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.

yunghungwell
03-29-2006, 02:20 PM
What happened to the Friday goof off post thread? Did it get deleted while I was absent from the "Planet" these past months?

HemiEd
03-29-2006, 03:26 PM
What happened to the Friday goof off post thread? Did it get deleted while I was absent from the "Planet" these past months?

:shrug: It is not Friday.

HemiEd
03-29-2006, 03:42 PM
Only in Minnesota

rad
03-29-2006, 03:50 PM
A Polock walks into a bar with a pile of steamy crap in his hands and says "Hey everyone, look what I almost stepped in!!"
ROFL ROFL ROFL

Frankie
03-30-2006, 08:56 AM
What happened to the Friday goof off post thread? Did it get deleted while I was absent from the "Planet" these past months?
I've been wondering about that too.

Mods... can you bring it back?

Skip Towne
03-30-2006, 09:23 AM
Somebody ( a KSU fan ) claimed Huggins will run a clean program at KSU............. :D
Har har har! Good one, Roy!!

HemiEd
03-30-2006, 11:36 AM
.

kc hopeful
03-30-2006, 08:36 PM
TO BE 6 AGAIN

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked
what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still
looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,
made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day ! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours Later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop,
andher favorite candy,M&M's. What a fabulous adventure ! Finally she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again ??

Her eyes slowly opened and her ___expression
suddenly changed.

I meant my Dress Size, you idiot !!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is
listening, he is going to get it wrong.