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Cntrygal
11-11-2005, 09:27 AM
Look at what I got in my email the other day!

ROFL

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.

Voila--Ranger Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that **** is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.
She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???, "as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Immodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't **** for 3 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know, I'm an *******, but it was still a funny night.

NewChief
11-11-2005, 09:28 AM
Yeah. A friend of mine wrote that.

chagrin
11-11-2005, 09:29 AM
ahh yes, chicken ala thing and turkey diced, mmmm

RedDread
11-11-2005, 09:31 AM
After getting sick from eating a field ration that had been out in 130 degree heat for a few months I couldn't imagine how bad three year old rations are. They say MRE's have a 5 year shelf life but I can tell you that anything older than 2 is gonna mess you up for the rest of the day.

Kclee
11-11-2005, 09:33 AM
Yeah. A friend of mine wrote that.
ROFL

Cochise
11-11-2005, 09:35 AM
I'm doing this for the next girl I trick into hanging out with me. Where can I get some of these?

Cntrygal
11-11-2005, 09:36 AM
Do you have a base/post nearby?

RedDread
11-11-2005, 09:40 AM
I'm doing this for the next girl I trick into hanging out with me. Where can I get some of these?

technically they're not supposed to be sold commercially but I've heard that Military surplus stores get their hands on em sometimes.

jynni
11-11-2005, 09:40 AM
I had a bite of the lasange once - it actually wasn't that bad.

My brother said that in bootcamp there was often candy in the MREs. The DIs would confiscate all of it.

One day some dumb recruit tried to hide his Skittles. The DIs found out and made him eat those Skittles along with the Skittles from everyone else in the group (platoon, whatever). While eating, he was made to do push ups the entire time. My brother swears up and down that the guy was sweating & crying streams of rainbow by the end of it.

Bacon Cheeseburger
11-11-2005, 09:49 AM
Chef Bob would be proud of you.

Cochise
11-11-2005, 10:02 AM
technically they're not supposed to be sold commercially but I've heard that Military surplus stores get their hands on em sometimes.

I'm just kidding, I wouldn't do that. I am curious what they are like though.

Cntrygal
11-11-2005, 10:05 AM
Where are you from cochise?

NewChief
11-11-2005, 10:05 AM
I'm just kidding, I wouldn't do that. I am curious what they are like though.

Some are crap, some are okay if you're wanting to know what they taste like.

If you want to know what they look like, there's actually quite a few commercial products out there now that are similar. I see tons of different meats and stews and crap at the grocery store now that are "ready to eat" in a pouch. Looks pretty nasty to me, but anyway. That's the basic concept.

The real problem with them, besides the caloric count, is the preservatives. Anything with that type of shelf life has some serious preservatives in it, which does very very bad things to your digestive system.

Cochise
11-11-2005, 10:07 AM
Where are you from cochise?

I'm in KC. I dont know where there is a base around here except Whiteman or Wood.

Cntrygal
11-11-2005, 10:07 AM
I NEVER eat the entire package for one meal. That's just bad mojo.

Cntrygal
11-11-2005, 10:08 AM
I'm in KC. I dont know where there is a base around here except Whiteman or Wood.

The next time I go thru that way - I'll bring ya one. Or if Mr. Kotter is headed in that direction (and I make it to S. Falls) I'll give one to him to give ya. :drool:

Cochise
11-11-2005, 10:13 AM
The next time I go thru that way - I'll bring ya one. Or if Mr. Kotter is headed in that direction (and I make it to S. Falls) I'll give one to him to give ya. :drool:

Wouldn't it get stale? :)

Cntrygal
11-11-2005, 10:18 AM
Wouldn't it get stale? :)

For you....

I'll put it on ice. ;)

Dunit35
11-11-2005, 11:27 AM
Thats a funny story

RedDread
11-11-2005, 11:29 AM
I'm in KC. I dont know where there is a base around here except Whiteman or Wood.


Ft. Leavenworth is about 1 hour away

SCTrojan
11-11-2005, 11:46 AM
I'm just kidding, I wouldn't do that. I am curious what they are like though.

RedDread is correct, most military surplus stores have them. I've heard that hunters like them, although I've never actually asked a hunter if that was true.

If you've ever eaten Spam, you've come close to the MRE experience. I will say that they have come a long way since the military first started issuing them.

Oh - cntrygal - you forgot to douse everything liberally with tobasco sauce.

RP_McMurphy
11-11-2005, 12:36 PM
Go see the Marines......they get tired of lugging those things around and will gladly get rid of them. At all costs avoid the "fingers of death" aka beans and weenies. I served on a Amphib ship with the Marines for two years and used to get them all the time for my son and his friends. They thought they were the coolest things.

Cntrygal
11-11-2005, 12:39 PM
Oh - cntrygal - you forgot to douse everything liberally with tobasco sauce.

Damn. I didn't even notice that!

I'll relay that info back to the guy that sent me the email. :thumb: