View Full Version : Another potential rule to promote NFL parity.

Rain Man
11-13-2005, 10:23 PM
Carl Peterson has been our GM for 16 years now.

In that time, there have been 16 Super Bowls.

There are 16 teams in the AFC.

Therefore, an average GM would have had a Super Bowl team by now. On a purely random basis, a team would have a 50 percent likelihood of reach a Super Bowl by their 11th year.

This therefore tells me two things:

1. Our GM is less effective than a randomly selected GM.

2. The fact that GMs have different abilities negatively affects the NFL's goal of parity.

Therefore, I recommend that we do away with the General Manager position for all teams and replace it with some sort of random system. For entertainment purposes, I would suggest replacing GMs with monkeys, and decisions could be made based on some sort of monkey dart-throwing, assuming that that's not dangerous to the monkeys.

What do you think?

11-13-2005, 10:26 PM
I think one of you should just sack up and kill the guy.

11-13-2005, 10:27 PM
I think you should take another drink.

Rain Man
11-13-2005, 10:27 PM
If only there was a way to identify the mindless goons.

11-13-2005, 10:28 PM
I prefer NFL parody.

11-13-2005, 10:29 PM
Can we bring this system into the Offensive Cordinaters booth as well. You may be on to something

11-13-2005, 10:31 PM
Monkeys are cool.

11-13-2005, 10:32 PM
i wonder what performance incentives are built into carl peterson's contract?
they need to be based on yearly team performance instead of ticket sales and revenue-related metrics.
as it is, he knows he will continue to get paid as long as he makes hunt & fam a billllion dolllars

11-13-2005, 10:33 PM
The dart throwing monkeys have been running our drafts for too long. Let's try something else.

11-13-2005, 10:33 PM
If only there was a way to identify the mindless goons.

I'm one.

11-13-2005, 10:53 PM
The dart throwing monkeys have been running our drafts for too long. Let's try something else.
I agree. They should do something they are more qualified to do.

They should throw shit instead.

Rain Man
11-13-2005, 11:06 PM
I'm one.

You're perfect for the job. You have absolutely no motive.

11-13-2005, 11:07 PM
I was gonna say, we already have a monkey in Carl Peterson but that is giving him to much credit, after all, you could teach a monkey how to use tools.

11-13-2005, 11:10 PM
You're perfect for the job. You have absolutely no motive.
I nominate you for the GM position. Not that you're a monkey, but surely through your statistical analysis, you could figure out how to win a playoff game in the next 10 years.

11-13-2005, 11:20 PM
I'm leaning towards the dart-throwing monkeys because I believe that's closest to CP's current approach.

11-13-2005, 11:22 PM
I remember when I first read this story back in HS. I like that it's still out there on the 'net.

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to
look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet
one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like
them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in
the genitals.

I like monkeys

11-13-2005, 11:24 PM
I think it'd be cheaper if we just made all GMs use these for all decisions.


Hidden cameras would be placed in all areas of the office to make sure no secret conferencing would take place