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View Full Version : FINALLY - an end to the Bruschi lovefest!


Phobia
11-25-2005, 09:43 PM
Tedy Bruschi Gets Restraining Order Against Sportscentury Producers (http://thebrushback.com/bruschi_full.htm)

FOXBORO, MA--Patriots linebacker Tedy Bruschi, who made a dramatic return from a stroke three weeks ago, has been forced to get a restraining order against producers of the ESPN biography show Sportscentury.

“Oh, God, get those guys away from me,” said a visibly frustrated Bruschi. “They’ve been hounding me ever since I had my stroke. Goddamn vultures. I don't have time to sit down and talk about how much adversity I’ve been through. I’m sure they can find somebody else to harass. How about Lance Armstrong? I don’t think his courage has been adequately documented.”

The harassment was bearable, Bruschi said, prior to his return from heart surgery. But after that emotional night, he hasn’t been left alone.

“It’s been pretty much constant since then,” he said. “I mean like, 30 or 40 phone calls a day. People hanging around the yard, things like that. I don’t know why they want to talk to me so badly. I hate that show. I’m not going on there. If I wanted my life turned into some stupid cliché, I’d write a book. Incidentally, my book, Heart of a Lion. is coming out next month.”

In an incident last week, a Sportscentury producer climbed into Bruschi’s living room through an open window and snuck into his closet. When he opened the door in the morning, the producer was waiting for him and asked if he could sit down and talk “about his remarkable comeback.” Bruschi immediately called police, who arrested the man and encouraged Bruschi to get a restraining order.

“We were called to the house around 9 am to investigate a possible intruder,” said Sgt. Carl Black of the Boston PD. “When we got there we found the intruder outside the house, lying on his back in the driveway, being beaten and kicked by Mr. Bruschi. We arrested the intruder and advised Mr. Bruschi to go through proper legal channels and get a restraining order. Leave the vicious assaults and batteries to the police. We don’t need any vigilantes here.”

Officials from ESPN defended their actions today, saying they merely wish to tell the world about Tedy Bruschi’s amazing journey back from a debilitating stroke. They reportedly have several hours of interviews with Bruschi’s teammates and coaches as well as clips and highlights from his career, but are missing the “key ingredient” of Bruschi himself. In short, the episode is all but ready to go.

“Tedy could put an end to all this fairly quickly by sitting down with us for a few hours and speaking with us,” said Sportscentury executive producer David Richman. “The episode will practically write itself. All we have to do is add the swelling music and soft lighting. Oh, and some slow motion shots of him frolicking with his children in a field of grain would be nice. We’ll make him look like a goddamn folk hero. That’s what we do here. We even made Deion Sanders seem like a likeable guy.”

Richman also pointed out that the show is running out of athletes to profile.

“We are running out of people. That’s the truth. We’ve been doing this close to a decade and we’re down to figure skaters and X-gamers. We are very close to putting together an episode for Tony Hawk. Please, please don’t make us go down that road. After that it’s…well, I don’t even want to think about it.”

Bruschi’s top priority this season is to get back into playing shape and help his team win another Super Bowl. He left open the possibility that he may talk to Richman after the season, provided they leave him alone until that time.

“I’d say the only remote possibility would be after the season,” said Bruschi. “There is a one-week window after the Super Bowl when I can sit down and talk. Of course, we're supposed to be using that week to study game film and prepare ourselves for voluntary offseason workouts, which we are all required to attend. They only call them voluntary so they don't have to pay you. That being said, they are a really great way to get yourself in shape for the mandatory offseason workouts a month later.”

Amnorix
11-25-2005, 09:46 PM
:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

Mr. Kotter
11-25-2005, 09:48 PM
ROFL

:clap:

sedated
11-25-2005, 09:54 PM
the papparazzi have invaded the sports world, so sad.

those ESPN people must be stopped.

Frazod
11-25-2005, 10:04 PM
"If I wanted my life turned into some stupid cliché, I’d write a book. Incidentally, my book, Heart of a Lion. is coming out next month."

ROFL

sedated
11-25-2005, 10:08 PM
"If I wanted my life turned into some stupid cliché, I’d write a book. Incidentally, my book, Heart of a Lion. is coming out next month."

ROFL


ROFL ROFL ROFL

so true

Frazod
11-25-2005, 10:10 PM
You all do realize this is satire, right? :D

Halfcan
11-25-2005, 10:12 PM
I like where is said leave the assaults to the police-ain't that the truth.

Logical
11-25-2005, 10:12 PM
ROFL

I admit I was falling for it hook line and sinker until I got to this paragraph.
“We were called to the house around 9 am to investigate a possible intruder,” said Sgt. Carl Black of the Boston PD. “When we got there we found the intruder outside the house, lying on his back in the driveway, being beaten and kicked by Mr. Bruschi. We arrested the intruder and advised Mr. Bruschi to go through proper legal channels and get a restraining order. Leave the vicious assaults and batteries to the police. We don’t need any vigilantes here.”

Phobia
11-25-2005, 10:13 PM
The only thing funnier than a satirical article is when some jackass feels the need to point out that it is satire. Satire? Nah. You're kidding.

You mean you're the only one who caught on to that?

Jeesh. The only person "falling" for this article is tommykat. You could have sent her a PM frazod.

stevieray
11-25-2005, 10:16 PM
That article is impressive, but he's no Rich Scanlon.

Halfcan
11-25-2005, 10:17 PM
Vlad that was the only part that made sense- It wouldn't surprise me if a reporter did that.

Pitt Gorilla
11-25-2005, 10:17 PM
It had me until the Armstrong line.

4th and Long
11-25-2005, 10:18 PM
That article is impressive, but he's no Rich Scanlon.
I belive the phrase, "but he's no Rich Scanlon." can be applied to every human being walking the face of the planet, sans Rich Scanlon and the Roys of course.

tk13
11-25-2005, 10:19 PM
It had me until the Armstrong line.
It had me until he refered to himself in the 3rd person in the second sentence.

Halfcan
11-25-2005, 10:28 PM
I had me until-what your saying this didn't happen?? It could be real almost-they have been hounding that overrated LB.

chefsos
11-25-2005, 10:49 PM
It had me right up to the point of reading it on patsplanet this afternoon.

But here, I thought it was about that other Bruschi guy, so I read it again.