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KChiefs1
11-30-2005, 01:43 PM
http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/?p=1406

52 REASONS ESPN/ABC/DISNEY SUCKS

While not strictly a college football issue, we all as sports fans consort with the many-armed devil that is Disney/ESPN/ABC in our attempt to digest as much football in the precious time we’re allowed each season. And in doing so–either in watching the games, searching for highlights, or zoning out after downing five beers in front of the television–you will come across much, much, much to dislike. Actually, we thought of fifty-two things we don’t like.

1. Synergy. Promo the games you have the rights to while barely mentioning the big games on in other places, no matter how important they might be. Push your product over THE GAME. Vile corporate entertainment thinking that yields little but viewer disgust.

2. Regional broadcast fiascoes. No shit here–the Tampa Bay area enjoyed the Rutgers/WVU game on the weekend of the Texas/Oklahoma game because…well, because the evil spider god in charge of everything decreed it, we suppose. Here in Atlanta we frequently got the Tar Heels getting knocked around the yard instead of a better matchup across the country.

3. Stuart Scott. His poetry slam two days ago didn’t happen, because if we did admit it, then we’d wake up crying in a ball in the corner struck by the sadness of what has become Sportscenter.

4. The absence of Keith Olbermann.

5. The continued, painful obsolescence of Keith Jackson. Yeah, that’s more of a complaint with God, but pending a response from the Deity himself, we’ll blame his corporate masters who act as accomplices.

6. Sportstainment! The next few are attached to this umbrella concept of the idea that sports isn’t entertainment all by itself. Consider them pieces of evidence in one long indictment of Disney’s attempt to force ESPN into becoming the story, not the medium.

7. Nick Lachey, interviewer.

8. ESPN Hollywood. Lower ratings than “Christopher Lowell, After Hours.”

9. “The Hot Seat” segment. Nothing more excruciating than watching former partial qualifiers attempting to think against the clock.

10. Dream Job.

11. Stephen A. Smith. Mark Shapiro, the prime mover behind Sportstainment! and former head of ESPN, said he just HAD to hire Smith after every focus group detested his ass. Well, there you go. Would love to kick the ass of the editor of Highlights magazine for bewitching him with those devilish puzzles all these years. Makes a sport we already don’t care about all the more ignoreable–and isn’t that what a great spokesman for the sport is supposed to do?

12. Tom Berenger’s horrible old man prosthetics in The Junction Boys. Bear Bryant as burn victim, evidently.

13. WHOOSH. Fox shares some blame here, but we’ll still fault ESPN for jumping on the bandwagon by putting sound effects to every gesture.

14. Chris Berman’s “WHOOP!” noise. Berman will make several appearances here, since he’s one of the worst things about the network, so we’ll just list the offense and the death strike we think is appropriate. In this case, we think the two hand spiral neck snap, an old Seagal move, would be perfect.

15. Bob Ley’s banishment. Outside the Lines, one of the best shows on ESPN, is relegated to the status of “Sunday Morning Boring Old Man News Thing.” How Ley stays at the network when he could be at HBO’s Real Sports is a testament to his loyalty–or his laziness, perhaps.

16. Dan Patrick’s hair dye. Has now moved squarely into Wink Martindale territory.

17. I…love…highlights without shtick…songs that don’t suck dick…and twins!!!

18. Speaking of songs that suck…Big and Rich have made their way onto our Orbital Death Ray list, along with Mark Shapiro. For a long time college football existed as a fiefdom apart from the Sportstainmenttastic! world of ESPN–pleasantly stodgy, frills-free coverage of a sport that allowed you to soak in the atmosphere of each game through the screen. Now we have Nick Lachey interviewing people and Big and Rich suggesting that we need more Ying with our Ying Yang. Two old pieces of redneck jerky–including one who one of our readers pointed out, bears a striking resemblance to Phyllis Diller–who were pulled out of a hat at random by marketing schmucks in New York who were like, “Okay, people. Red state sport—we need us some edgy country!” Total, horrid, absolute fecality soiling the last show we watch on the network.

We’re coming…and we’re shit-tayyy!!!

19. Making the story, not reporting it. Two words: Terrell Owens.

20. High school kids committing live on the network. Recruiting’s creepy enough with Tom Lemming involved. Upping the ante to national coverage only adds to the ick factor.

21. Ron Jaworski’s backseat role. His explanation of schemes and coverages is pure, elegant analysis. So he’s forced to do it at 11:30 with a concussed madman and a very cute lesbian. That’s a push, we suppose.

22. Berman’s lack of preparation. He’s ad-libbing half the time and doing so badly, stuttering and stammering while barely concealing his head-tracking reading of the teleprompter. Appropriate death strike: spinning heel kick, Walker, Texas Ranger- style.

23. Desmond Howard. We just hear happy music while he blabs on about whatever he’s talking about. Mostly bossa nova, actually.

24. The Outdoor Games. In a typical move, ESPN takes our insomniac treats–including the World’s Strongest Man competitions–and packages them into Sportstainment!. What they fail to understand is that we liked them because they were on when we got home from the bar drunk enough to find them entertaining.

25. Lee Corso. Not so fast, my friend! His analyses come down to “Ooh! They’re tougher than the other guy!” or “Kirk said this, so I’ll disagree with him and put on this mascot head!” Makes the already superb Herbstreit look like a bona fide savant in comparison, which may be his role.

26. Mike Gottfried. America’s most dyspeptic college football announcer. Frowns at babies and accuses them of lack of discipline for shitting their diapers. Misses calls frequently. The opposite of fun.

27. Berman’s clip of him throwing a football to catching the ball from Doug Williams. Yes, you were skinny once. Now you’re fat and an easy target. Appropriate death strike: run over with Brinks Truck, chase him down with a lawnmower.

28. The forced animosity between John Clayton and Sean Salisbury. Team Under Armor vs. Goliath has more verisimilitude.

29. Wide angle shots, fades, and pensive shots of young athletes recounting the trauma of growing up poor/fatherless/in Bosnia/stricken with acne/slightly nervous/average/motherless/with rickets/etc in puff pieces. Adversity, dear ESPN, is boring. Show us how long it takes for Matt Leinart to pick up a girl in a bar–now that would be Sportstainmenttastic! Hey-yo!

30. Woody Paige. In our hometown, this guy cleaned your septic tank. On ESPN, he’s an “expert.”

31. The rape of Buster Olney, a fine sportswriter.

32. Fake news conferences.

33. Flavor in our broadcasts. Yes, Dan and Keith did it very well. But show us a goal, td, basket, point, or homer without a “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND” once, and we will send you a shiny dollar in the mail.

34. Mark May. The youngest disciple of the Gottfried school of broadcasting, a nasty, choleric presence on the screen whose vagina-pelt-looking goatee only added to his dislikeable on-air demeanor. Makes pure evil presence of Lou Holtz seem agreeable in comparison. Oh, speaking of…

35. Lou Holtz. You have a speech defect, and should not make a living talking on television. Oh, and you’re a cheater. Would be entertaining only if they made him speak from behind his own salad bar shield; we’re guessing it would look like those shots of cobras striking at people behind plexiglass in zoos, with spit flying in gobs all over the surface.

36. Chris Berman’s nicknames. Appropriate death strike: in honor of their upcoming Big 12 championship game, how about a dim mak Brown shot to the throat?

37. Beano Cook. Beano’s visage just plain scares the hell out of us. Plus, he’s been trying to kill us for years, with the last incident being a failed stabbing on the streets of Singapore in 2003.

38. World Series of Poker. Not bad in an hour’s dose. Unbearable in four hour stretches.

39. 3: The Dale Earnhardt Story. Find us someone who thinks anyone actually calls their father “diddy” in the South NOT named Bowden, and we will show you an actor two years out of drama school.

40. ESPNU. Not even sure what this is, but it’s unknown and strange–therefore by instinct we must hate it.

41. Chris Berman referring to himself as “The Schwam.” ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, **** you. Appropriate death strike: cruise missile while singing onstage with Huey Lewis.

42. ESPN, the Magazine. Huge pages, fellatio-style coverage of the shittiest citizens of the athletic world, and very, very little content.

43. Mark Shapiro, the man behind the Sportstaimentization! of the network. Gone, but not forgotten.

44. Mike Lupica. Only makes two statements a year about college football, both atrociously wrong and dumb. Abrasive without insight. We’d say he represents the worst of Northeastern sportswriting, but Dan Shaughnessy still breathes in Boston.

45. Mel Kiper, Jr. We shouldn’t really hate on Mel–to be this wrong and still get paid for it bespeaks of a certain grandiose swindletude we have to admire. But that said–no one gets their assigned pundit beat wrong with greater consistency. Built entire reputation on saying Trev Alberts sucks, which, well, duh?

46. Not enough Sumo. The Bashos rule, and we have no idea when they’re on.

47. The ESPYs.

48. Rush Limbaugh, football analyst. Yes, it’s ancient history–but the shame remains.

49. The disappearance of Chris Mortensen. He’s your NFL insider, and you put him–literally–behind the set. Because he’s working back there during the show! It Sportstainmenttastic!

50. PTI. Not for the show itself, but for its shambolic impact on ESPN programming, which now features argumentative elements in even the least confrontational formats.

51. Jim Donnan. Looks like he rolled out from beneath an overturned fishing boat in someone’s front yard, put on a tie and and a coat, and rolled into the studio for a segment or two.

52. Chris Berman’s BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK BACK call. Appropriate death strike: kicking knee break, joint-lock arm hold, thrown into path of oncoming commuter train.

Saul Good
11-30-2005, 01:51 PM
USC!!!! The Colts!!!! Terrell Owens!!! (Repeat)

jspchief
11-30-2005, 01:56 PM
Damn. That's some funny shit.

jspchief
11-30-2005, 01:58 PM
My favorites:

12.
17.
21.
35.

sedated
11-30-2005, 02:00 PM
They left off the fake trials that ESPN uses to "solve" tough cases - Pete Rose, for example.

(Maybe it was in there, just missed it)

They are the stupidest thing I've ever seen.

KCTitus
11-30-2005, 02:01 PM
#19...probably the worst, should have been #1. Not only TO, but the whole Bruschi thing during that Sunday Night game made me hate the player.

The only other gripe I have is the way ESPN strong arms the local cable affiliates with putting local interest FB/BB games on channels the locals dont carry and the charge a fortune for their crappy service.

Mark M
11-30-2005, 02:02 PM
First off, great post!!

4. The absence of Keith Olbermann.

He and Dan were what made SportsCenter, not Berman. They were smartassed, yet subdued, and never allowed their call or supposedly-smart quip override the highlight.

Once he and Rich Eisen left, it went to shit. All three allowed their personalities into it without being overpowering.

Now it's less about the games and highlights then it is about hearing some ****ing douche try to be witty while making a homerun/slam dunk/TD/goal call.

We don't have cable, and I don't miss ESPN all that much.

MM
~~:shrug:

Mark M
11-30-2005, 02:05 PM
21. Ron Jaworski’s backseat role. His explanation of schemes and coverages is pure, elegant analysis. So he’s forced to do it at 11:30 with a concussed madman and a very cute lesbian. That’s a push, we suppose.


Missed that the first time around.

ROFL

And I couldn't agree more -- The Mrs. and I both kinda miss seeing Jaws break down the game film. Sure, he's a DV homer, but he knows his stuff.

MM
~~:sulk:

zambonidriver
11-30-2005, 02:05 PM
53. Remember back when Sportscenter was a program that showed actual game highlights most of the time, before it became what it is now, a sportsfotainment talk show?

54. Not enough Colleen Dominguez, Samantha Ryan or Lisa Salters, too much John Clayton and Chris Berman.

Cormac
11-30-2005, 02:07 PM
That is hilarious! 21, 29 and 30 are just classic.

Mark M
11-30-2005, 02:11 PM
54. Not enough Colleen Dominguez, Samantha Ryan or Lisa Salters, too much John Clayton and Chris Berman.

Is it just me, or does John Clayton look like the love child of Mr. Garrison and Charlie Brown?

MM
~~:hmmm:

sedated
11-30-2005, 02:18 PM
55. Kenny Mayne. Shut up, you're not funny.

KCChiefsMan
11-30-2005, 02:24 PM
I bet with all this complaining, you all still watch it. The only thing that bothers me is when I do watch it, which is not very often, they'll say "and coming right up Dick Vermeil and the Chiefs...blah blah blah" and then 20 minutes later they'll finally show some Chiefs highlights that I was looking forward to watch

HemiEd
11-30-2005, 02:26 PM
53. Remember back when Sportscenter was a program that showed actual game highlights most of the time, before it became what it is now, a sportsfotainment talk show?



Thanks to ABC purchasing ESPN, totally commercial now.

Calcountry
11-30-2005, 02:34 PM
35. Lou Holtz. You have a speech defect, and should not make a living talking on television. Oh, and you’re a cheater. Would be entertaining only if they made him speak from behind his own salad bar shield; we’re guessing it would look like those shots of cobras striking at people behind plexiglass in zoos, with spit flying in gobs all over the surface


This was my favorite, hands down. ROFL

Brock
11-30-2005, 02:36 PM
4. The absence of Keith Olbermann.

Uh....okay. :rolleyes:

shakesthecat
11-30-2005, 02:44 PM
Good stuff, and sadly all true.

PTI is the only program on that network I watch, and I'm sure it's just a matter of time before they ruin that one.

Mark M
11-30-2005, 02:54 PM
Uh....okay. :rolleyes:

I'm guessing that, on this board, I'm one of the few (if not only) Olberman fans ...

MM
~~:eek:

Frosty
11-30-2005, 02:54 PM
22. Berman’s lack of preparation. He’s ad-libbing half the time and doing so badly, stuttering and stammering while barely concealing his head-tracking reading of the teleprompter. Appropriate death strike: spinning heel kick, Walker, Texas Ranger- style.


My favorite, by far. Half the time, they are several highlights ahead while he is still trying to spit out his schtick. At his absolute worst during the draft.

DeepPurple
11-30-2005, 03:13 PM
How can you leave out Jim "Rome is Burning". One of today's guests is the host of Blind Date and they just mentioned he's making his 75th appearance, the other guest is some b-ball guy and they're discussing Ron Artest's haircut. Apparently the haircut is so bad the third guy said it wouldn't even had made it in the Cameo "Word Up!" video, too bad I missed that one 20 years ago.

The one show I sometimes can tolerate for few minutes is the two Jewish brothers making fun of shows from the 70's and 80's, usually they feature Steve Garvey or Frank Gifford wearing short-shorts leading a group of other has-been athletes in some kind of phony sports competition.

ct
11-30-2005, 03:36 PM
I read thru and enjoyed a large portion of that, but my strongest impression from that whole diatribe is...Suzy's a lizy? When did this happen?

Did enjoy 15, 17, 19, 22, 33, 35, 42, 47.

sedated
11-30-2005, 03:42 PM
Suzy's a lizy? When did this happen?


At birth, I assume.

Unless your a fundamentallist christian neo-con, then it happened when she saw one on TV. :rolleyes:

AZORChiefFan
11-30-2005, 03:42 PM
Is it just me, or does John Clayton look like the love child of Mr. Garrison and Charlie Brown?

MM
~~:hmmm:

He looks like an older male version of some bitch I used to work with. Dunno if I feel more sorry for him or her.

sedated
11-30-2005, 03:47 PM
Is it just me, or does John Clayton look like the love child of Mr. Garrison and Charlie Brown?:

I just wish he would wipe that spittle off of his lips when he gets to yappin. disgusting.

He has the perfect face for radio...

and when I say "radio", I mean "getting gang-raped in prison"

that dude fall off the ugly tree and hit every branch on his way down.

Garcia Bronco
11-30-2005, 05:23 PM
I hate ESSSSSSSSpin...more poker please

Sure-Oz
11-30-2005, 05:57 PM
The Fake News Conferences has to the be the most retarded thing ive seen them do, way to go steve phillips you're reduced to playing a fake gm on tv.

KChiefs1
12-02-2005, 04:58 PM
I didn't know Suzy Kolber was a lezzy either!

HC_Chief
12-02-2005, 05:20 PM
ROFL
Good stuff

shaneo69
12-02-2005, 07:41 PM
52 REASONS ESPN/ABC/DISNEY SUCKS

4. The absence of Keith Olbermann.

5. The continued, painful obsolescence of Keith Jackson. Yeah, that’s more of a complaint with God, but pending a response from the Deity himself, we’ll blame his corporate masters who act as accomplices.

15. Bob Ley’s banishment.

18. Speaking of songs that suck…Big and Rich have made their way onto our Orbital Death Ray list, along with Mark Shapiro.

23. Desmond Howard. We just hear happy music while he blabs on about whatever he’s talking about. Mostly bossa nova, actually.

25. Lee Corso. Not so fast, my friend! His analyses come down to “Ooh! They’re tougher than the other guy!” or “Kirk said this, so I’ll disagree with him and put on this mascot head!” Makes the already superb Herbstreit look like a bona fide savant in comparison, which may be his role.

26. Mike Gottfried. America’s most dyspeptic college football announcer. Frowns at babies and accuses them of lack of discipline for shitting their diapers. Misses calls frequently. The opposite of fun.

30. Woody Paige. In our hometown, this guy cleaned your septic tank. On ESPN, he’s an “expert.”

34. Mark May.

35. Lou Holtz. You have a speech defect, and should not make a living talking on television.

37. Beano Cook. Beano’s visage just plain scares the hell out of us. Plus, he’s been trying to kill us for years, with the last incident being a failed stabbing on the streets of Singapore in 2003.

42. ESPN, the Magazine. Huge pages, fellatio-style coverage of the shittiest citizens of the athletic world, and very, very little content.

45. Mel Kiper, Jr. We shouldn’t really hate on Mel–to be this wrong and still get paid for it bespeaks of a certain grandiose swindletude we have to admire. But that said–no one gets their assigned pundit beat wrong with greater consistency. Built entire reputation on saying Trev Alberts sucks, which, well, duh?

51. Jim Donnan. Looks like he rolled out from beneath an overturned fishing boat in someone’s front yard, put on a tie and and a coat, and rolled into the studio for a segment or two.


Probably my favorite thing about ESPN is their college football coverage. I love Saturdays in the fall and now that it's just about over, I'm depressed.

I was in college during the Olberman-Patrick glory days, and I miss those guys. But Olberman by himself sucks. Hard to believe anyone could have too big of an ego for ESPN.

I don't care if they're old, I'll always like Keith Jackson, Beano Cook, and Lee Corso. Those guys are college football icons.

Never liked Bob Ley. I'm surprised they've kept him around this long. I like Schapp's kid better on OTL.

I disagree about the Big and Rich tune they play to kick off college gameday. I'm not a country music fan, but I like the song, and it reminds me of Hank Williams' MNF opener. Gets me fired up at 9:30 every Sat morning.

Regarding his comments about Gottfried, I wonder if he was really talking about Bill Curry? That guy sounds like he's never had a day of fun in his whole life, to quote Sheryl.

The Woody Paige and ESPN the Mag comments.....classic.

I think he's right on with his comments about Desmond, MMay, Holtz, and Donnan. If Trev was still there, I'd throw him in with those guys. They need to get the Pony back in the studio.

Finally, I would totally disagree about Kiper. He's what makes the draft fun. They need more guys like him.