View Full Version : A New Holiday Game

12-08-2005, 12:25 PM
I thought I would share a game I came up with a little while ago (it's one of my columns). The first part, about Granny, is a true story...

Hope you enjoy..

Freaks Etc…

The Day After

After finishing up some shopping, an elderly woman found something in her Oldsmobile that didn’t make her too happy – four white guys! As she drew her handgun, she screamed “get out of the car you scumbags!” Frightened by Betty White gone mad, the four men got out and ran for their lives. Slightly shook up, Granny tried to start her car, but to no avail. She tried again, to no avail. And then it dawned on her – this wasn’t her car.

After locating her ride, a few parking spots away, Rambo Granny drove to the police station and reported the incident. The police officer taking the report was laughing so hard he peed himself. Why? Because at the other end of the counter was four, pale, white males reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman, less than five feet tall with white hair and glasses, who was armed and dangerous.

Okay, this story is pretty ****ing funny, but I’m not so sure we should be laughing at Grandma. I mean what if she was bewildered because… well… because she’s old? Or maybe she was befuddled due to lack of sex (That’s my excuse anyway). Or maybe she was dazed and confused because she just finished up her Holiday shopping.

Hey, holiday shopping can be terrifying!

It can be horrific!

It can be expensive!

But boy wouldn’t it make on kick ass video game?

Black Friday – The Game

The day after Thanksgiving is here and the mall is a very dangerous place. Stupid sales people, bratty kids and irritated shoppers are everywhere, killing morale and taking way too long to order their food at The McDonalds in the food court. (It’s the same ****ing menu it was ten years ago – order up, ass wipe!) The economy sucks worse than those lame ass kiosks selling your name on rice, and the gap between the wealthy and the trailer trash has grown to the size of the clearance rack at Sears. But that doesn’t matter, because you are the rich and the bored. You need to be entertained while shopping. So what do you do?

Steal shit, of course.

In this thrilling role playing adventure, you play Winona Ryder, an award winning actress on a mission, to steal everything in sight, no matter the cost (even though you can afford it)– without getting caught!

Object of the game

To escape the mall - and the traffic - with all your stolen Christmas presents


One crowbar, a shotgun, and a really, really good lawyer

Obtaining Points

There are many ways to collect points:

-Parking – Steal a parking spot and receive 100 points. Note: get rock star parking and snag bonus points. If you manage to steal a handicap or expectant mothers spot, you will receive an extra 100 points. Beware: If someone steals your parking space, you lose your points; but you get double points if you key the ****er’s car. Extra points can also be picked up if you kill the douche bag who takes their sweet time pulling out while you’re waiting for their spot.

-Pedestrians – Receive 50 points for every pedestrian you run over. Receive bonus points for running over the assholes that like to walk right down the middle of the parking lot, completely ignoring the fact that you want to get around them.

-Long Lines – Receive points for getting through lines quick. The closer to the front of line, the more points you will receive. Extra double bonus points for cutting all the way to the front by using tactics such as; acting like you are going to puke, or going into some “Jesus is our Lord and savior and you are all sinners” rant. Beware: If you use that tactic in front of a bunch of holy rollers you lose points, and possibly get drafted into a cult. You could also scream about a huge sale on Chi-Pets in aisle 15 to clear the way (since this is Las Vegas, that type of shit is considered high art).

-Stealing presents – Christmas presents wrapped in all-too-cheesy holiday gift wrap will be in strategic places. In order to steal the present, simply walk up to it and take it. But here’s the catch, you must not get caught. Use your shotgun to shoot out security cameras and overzealous “rent a cops” who think they’re Starsky and Hutch, and increase your chances of getting your punk ass out of there. Note: the faster you move after stealing and the more noise you make, the better your chances are of getting caught (trust me on this one).

-Eliminating the enemy- In order to escape with the presents, you must get past your opponent – the spandex wearin’, fat jiggling, churros eating, slow poke mother****ers. These people are the lackadaisical shoppers who block the aisles (worth a hundred points a pop) and their bratty kids who clearly missed their Ritalin dose (One-hundred and fifty a pop - plus extra bonus points for kneecapping the little shits with a crowbar without their parents catching you).

-Kicking Santa in the crotch—It may seem cruel, but I remember Santa not ponying up that Barbie Corvette I wanted when I was five, and I’m still bitter. Fifteen Hundred points for this move.

- And the ultimate test –Lose all your points if Rambo Granny hijacks your car. Win them all back when your high priced LA lawyer gets your sorry ass off and you get the cover of Vogue!

12-08-2005, 01:16 PM

12-08-2005, 01:22 PM
Is this the "Get Into Jail Quickest" game?

12-08-2005, 01:22 PM

12-08-2005, 01:29 PM
Is this the "Get Into Jail Quickest" game?


Mr. Kotter
12-08-2005, 01:31 PM
Mudwrestling, midget tossing, wet T-shirt contests, and jello-shot Twister......would enhance the appeal of this game.

12-08-2005, 01:32 PM
First of all if you have to use expletives to be funny, then you just aren't funny.
Second, I found the Christian slap a little offensive, but hey, offending Christians is the new national sport so you should just roll with that....
And third, I found the game a.....rather dumb. However, other than that is great!

12-08-2005, 01:35 PM
First of all if you have to use expletives to be funny, then you just aren't funny.

F*ck you, d!ckfaced kunt-bubble.

Bob Dole
12-08-2005, 01:41 PM


12-08-2005, 02:02 PM
I like it but it's a sure failure. You must do one or more of the following:

1. Move it to LA
2. Move it to NYC
3. Get a rapper to be the main character
4. Have some stuff blow up

Once you do that you're golden.

12-08-2005, 02:59 PM

12-08-2005, 03:36 PM

Since I'm stealing this shit anyway I'm going to skip the long lines level. Seems kind of self-defeating to me.

And you forgot "Mr.Enigma."

That clueless ****ing twit without the ability of peripheral vision who stands in the narrow walkway between painted rock doorstops and christmas lights who's pondering.....****ing God only knows what, staring blankly in front of himself for 5 minutes right in front of the only thing you need in the entire store.

Points should be given only on flawless execution of a Van Damme-style knee to the kidney, dropping him to the ground paralized just long enough for you to take his designer belt off and choke the ****ing life out of him...

Points should-.....nevermind points, you should get a "morale boost" that makes you impervious to the screetching of the soul-sucking-she-beast on the ride home...

12-08-2005, 04:01 PM

Yeah, well...Ok, you got me.