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FAX
01-19-2006, 04:21 PM
BREAKING NEWS

Associated Press-Thursday, January 19, 2006

Zeus Found Dead

"Zeus", an African Grey talking parrot alleged to have been influencial sports writer Nick Athan's "Deep Throat" and primary source for Athan's stories on the Kansas City Chiefs, has been found dead in his ornate cage located in Carl Peterson's office at the Arrowhead complex.

A spokesperson for the Missouri state medical examiner's office stated that Zeus died from stab wounds to his chest caused by a small, semi-sharp instrument - possibly a pen or pencil - and that Zeus' tiny little beak had been "brutally ripped from his bird face" by a person or persons unknown.

An autopsy is scheduled for Friday morning.

FAX

FAX
01-19-2006, 04:46 PM
Zeus in happier days

FAX

FAX
01-19-2006, 04:49 PM
Zeus now.

FAX

Ultra Peanut
01-19-2006, 04:53 PM
"FAX is dead." - Zeus, Jan. 20, 2006

Hydrae
01-19-2006, 05:00 PM
Zeus now.

FAX


That parrot's not dead, it merely resting!

John Matrix
01-19-2006, 05:01 PM
I thought this thread would be about 'Zeus' Tiny Lister from "No Holds Barred" and "Friday".

Ultra Peanut
01-19-2006, 05:11 PM
I thought this thread would be about 'Zeus' Tiny Lister from "No Holds Barred" and "Friday".Don't even joke about stuff like that.

jidar
01-19-2006, 05:13 PM
Nietzsche said this would happen

Anyong Bluth
01-19-2006, 05:22 PM
so did Rhonda No Mas

FAX
01-19-2006, 05:52 PM
Development Update:Thursday, January 19, 2006

Associated Press

Unnamed officials leading the investigation into the death of Zeus have reported that a number of individuals are being interviewed in connection with what is now being called "The Talking Bird Murder". Investigators are seeking several persons of interest whose names are being withheld by authorities at this time because the investigation is continuing.

"No one is above the law," one source stated. "Especially somebody that would do this to a bird."

Motive for the violent act is unknown, however, it has been reported that Zeus was influencial sports writer Nick Athan's primary source for stories on the Kansas City Chiefs.

Officials arriving on the crime scene reported details suggesting extreme violence and rage. "I've never seen anything like this in my 20 years on the force," one visibly shaken officer said. "It looks like whoever did this came up behind him while he was eating his seeds."

It is believed that this is the first time a talking parrot murder has been linked to a sports franchise.

FAX

FAX
01-19-2006, 06:24 PM
Development Update:Thursday, January 19, 2006

Associated Press

ZEUS WAS ATHAN'S SOURCE

An associate of influencial sports writer Nick Athan who agreed to be interviewed on the promise of anonymity says that Zeus was, as has been reported, the source behind the breaking stories written by Athan during the offseason.

"No one else had access to this information," the associate stated. "Nick had to get it from somewhere, and it had to be from that bird."

A number of local television personalities and writers have questioned Athen in recent weeks over his ability to report facts that no one else could have possibly known at the time.

"It was his relationship to that bird," the associate stated. "They were close. Very close."

FAX

Saulbadguy
01-19-2006, 06:25 PM
It's probably pining for the fjords.

Coach
01-19-2006, 06:33 PM
Hmm... When I thought of Zeus, I thought of this guy.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v39/SwedeCarlson/Funnies/zeus.jpg

Skip Towne
01-19-2006, 06:38 PM
I'll bet Phobia is involved in this.

FAX
01-19-2006, 06:40 PM
Development Update:Thursday, January 19, 2006

Associated Press

PETERSON TAKEN INTO CUSTODY

Kansas City Chiefs GM, Carl Peterson, has been taken into custody for questioning in connection with the death of Zeus, an African Grey talking parrot alleged to have been influencial sports writer Nick Athan's primary source for Athan's stories on the Kansas City Chiefs.

"All I have to say is this," said Peterson's attorney as Peterson was escorted to police headquarters late Thursday afteroon. "There has obviously been some mistake. Carl loved that bird like a brother."

"Carl and Zeus go way back," the attorney stated. "All the way to the Philadelpha days. There's no way Carl could be involved in this."

Zeus died from multiple stab wounds to his little chest and his little beak had been ripped from his little face sometime the morning of January 19th.

A memorial service is planned for Zeus later in the week.

FAX

pikesome
01-19-2006, 06:52 PM
I wonder if this is related...

http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europe/01/17/uk.parrot/

FAX
01-19-2006, 06:52 PM
Development Update:Thursday, January 19, 2006

Associated Press

ZEUS IS ALIVE!!

"Zeus", an African Grey talking parrot alleged to have been influencial sports writer Nick Athan's primary source for Athan's stories on the Kansas City Chiefs, was apparently resuscitated just prior to an autopsy at the Missouri state medical examiner's office earler today.

"I guess he was just resting," said the coroner at an early evening press conference. "He's upstairs now talking up a storm and trying to preen. He's having problems with the preening part, though, since he doesn't have a beak."

"We're going to give him some seeds and an opportunity to rest," the coroner said. "He's been through a lot."

When asked if Zeus' beak could be re-attached to his face, the coroner stated, "We don't know at this time, but we'll try."

Zeus had been found and presumed dead in his ornate cage located in Carl Peterson's office at the Arrowhead complex early Thursday.

The memorial service planned for Zeus later in the week has been cancelled.

FAX

Taco John
01-19-2006, 06:52 PM
So this is what you do when you're unable to talk about your team being in the playoffs.

FAX
01-19-2006, 07:04 PM
Development Update:Thursday, January 19, 2006

Associated Press

BRONCO FAN ARRESTED

A Denver Bronco fan known by the internet name, "Taco John" was arrested Thursday evening after breaking into Zeus's hospital room.

Officials on the scene state that the Bronco fan was attempting to have sex with Zeus.

"It was disgusting," said one officer. "This guy was trying to take Zeus by force and without his consent. It just doesn't make sense."

Doctors on the scene said that the Bronco fan had actually achieved penetration. "It was amazing," said one physician. "The guy's penis was so incredibly small that he could have sex with a parrot."

Charges of indecent acts with a talking bird are expected to be filed tomorrow.

FAX

bogie
01-19-2006, 07:13 PM
Development Update:Thursday, January 19, 2006

Associated Press

BRONCO FAN ARRESTED

A Denver Bronco fan known by the internet name, "Taco John" was arrested Thursday evening after breaking into Zeus's hospital room.

Officials on the scene state that the Bronco fan was attempting to have sex with Zeus.

"It was disgusting," said one officer. "This guy was trying to take Zeus by force and without his consent. It just doesn't make sense."

Doctors on the scene said that the Bronco fan had actually achieved penetration. "It was amazing," said one physician. "The guy's penis was so incredibly small that he could have sex with a parrot."

Charges of indecent acts with a talking bird are expected to be filed tomorrow.

FAX

:clap:

Skip Towne
01-19-2006, 07:17 PM
A name change is in order. I like "Small Penis" John.

OldTownChief
01-19-2006, 07:24 PM
A name change is in order. I like "Small Penis" John.

or Taco Parrot Pecker

jAZ
01-19-2006, 07:24 PM
Development Update:Thursday, January 19, 2006

Associated Press

BRONCO FAN ARRESTED

A Denver Bronco fan known by the internet name, "Taco John" was arrested Thursday evening after breaking into Zeus's hospital room.

Officials on the scene state that the Bronco fan was attempting to have sex with Zeus.

"It was disgusting," said one officer. "This guy was trying to take Zeus by force and without his consent. It just doesn't make sense."

Doctors on the scene said that the Bronco fan had actually achieved penetration. "It was amazing," said one physician. "The guy's penis was so incredibly small that he could have sex with a parrot."

Charges of indecent acts with a talking bird are expected to be filed tomorrow.

FAX
ROFL

Coach
01-19-2006, 07:30 PM
ROFL

FAX
01-19-2006, 07:37 PM
Development Update:Thursday, January 19, 2006

Associated Press

ZEUS DANGEROUSLY ILL

Doctors overseeing the recovery of Zeus reported Thursday evening that Zeus has become dangerously ill.

"It looks like Zeus has come down with some kind of venereal disease," stated the attending physician. "He was fine until that Bronco fan had sex with him."

"We're giving him antibiotics and fluids now and his condition is critical, but stable," the doctor said. "I hope that Bronco fan gets what he deserves. Zeus has been through a lot and now this. It's just sad"

The Bronco fan, known by the internet name, "Taco John" was arrested Thursday evening after breaking into Zeus's hospital room and having sex with the famed parrot.

Police authorities now say that they will place the Bronco fan in isolation due to concerns over transmittable disease and for the protection of other inmates.

FAX

C-Mac
01-19-2006, 07:42 PM
It's probably pining for the fjords.

PINING FOR THE FJORDS?.....HE'S DEAD!....HE IS NO MORE!

Bwana
01-19-2006, 08:17 PM
ROFL

FAX
01-20-2006, 10:02 AM
Development Update:Friday, January 20, 2006

Associated Press

ZEUS TO HOLD PRESS CONFERENCE

"Zeus", an African Grey talking parrot alleged to have been influencial sports writer Nick Athan's primary source for stories on the Kansas City Chiefs, is scheduled to hold a press conference at 3:00 pm central time today.

Zeus is expected to answer questions relating to his relationship to Athan, Carl Peterson, and his role
in Athan's coverage of Kansas City Chief news.

It is anticipated that Zeus will also field questions regarding his brutal rape by a Bronco fan, known by the internet name, "Taco John".

Zeus contracted a venereal disease during the encounter with the Bronco fan who was arrested Thursday evening after breaking into Zeus's hospital room and having sex with the famed parrot.

The press conference will be held outside Zeus' hospital room where he has been receiving treatment for wounds suffered in the initial attack, a missing beak, what doctors are describing as the most serious case of venereal disease they've seen, and the psychological impact of the rape.

FAX

Hog Farmer
01-20-2006, 10:10 AM
I thought this was going to be about Phobia's plan to control the Nick Athan rumors but this is some funny shit. ROFL

Cochise
01-20-2006, 10:15 AM
He's probably just shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

FAX
01-20-2006, 04:02 PM
Development Update:Friday, January 20, 2006

Associated Press

ZEUS HOLDS PRESS CONFERENCE

"Zeus", an African Grey talking parrot alleged to have been influencial sports writer Nick Athan's primary source for stories on the Kansas City Chiefs, held a press conference at 3:00 pm central time today to answer questions relating to the attack on his life and his subsequent rape by a Bronco fan.

Excerpts from the press conference are below. Zeus was accompanied at the press conference by his new attorney, Elliot Goldstern.

Begin Transcript

Reporter: "Mr. Zeus, the Associated Press has reported that your relationship with Carl Peterson goes back years. Is this true?"

Zeus: "Get Down On Your Knees! Get Down On Your Knees!"

Attorney: "Mr. Zeus's relationship with Mr. Peterson has been accurately reported in the media and we're going to leave it at that."

Zeus: "Don't Tell My Wife! Don't Tell My Wife!"

Attorney: "Next question, please."

Reporter: "Mr. Zeus. Is it true that you have passed along private information from Carl Peterson's office to Nick Athan?"

Zeus: "Al Doesn't Put Out! Al Doesn't Put Out!"

Attorney: "Pending the outcome of the current investigation, Mr. Zeus will have no further comment on that subject."

Zeus: "Give It To Me Herm! Give It To Me Herm!"

Attorney: "Next question."

Reporter: "Mr. Zeus. We've been hearing conflicting rumors about the forced sexual encounter you had with the Bronco fan. Did he say anything at all to you before forcing you to engage in sex with him?"

Zeus: "Polly Want My Taco! Polly Want My Taco!"

Attorney: "As you can imagine, Mr. Zeus is still in shock over this incident. We will be pursuing all means to help him recover fully from this horrific ordeal."

Zeus: "Take Me Like A Girl! Take Me Like A Girl!"

Attorney: "We'll end it there. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen."

Zeus: "You Are My First! You Are My First!"

Zeus: "Tell Me You Love Me! Tell Me You Love Me!"

End Transcript

On a related matter, the Bronco fan known as "Taco John" who was arrested Thursday evening after breaking into Zeus's hospital room and having sex with the famed parrot, has been transferred by private jet to UCLA for a medical examination of his penis.

"We're concerned that there may be something wrong with this man's penis," stated a prison official. "We've never seen a penis this small and we have to assume that something is very wrong here. It's precautionary"

Results of preliminary tests on the penis are expected by Monday.

FAX

Ultra Peanut
01-20-2006, 05:53 PM
He is an ex-Zeus.

FAX
01-20-2006, 05:55 PM
He is an ex-Zeus.

Gesundheit.

FAX

Dave Lane
01-20-2006, 07:53 PM
That parrot's not dead, it merely resting!

Its pining!

Dave

C-Mac
01-20-2006, 08:22 PM
Oh now you've stunned him.

Saulbadguy
01-20-2006, 08:25 PM
Do you want to come back to my place? I thought you'd never ask.