View Full Version : Real Life Dilbert-Isms

02-09-2006, 03:11 PM
Recently run "Dilbert Quotes"Contest.
These are the top ten quotes from real-life Dilbert-Type managers.

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. Redmond, Wa)

2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R & D supervisor Minnesota mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division.

10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to ! him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards Executive)

Rain Man
02-09-2006, 03:25 PM
When I was in the defense industry, I had many Dilbert moments, but two stand out.

On my first day of work, fresh out of college, my department head was giving an orientation to me and a dozen or so other newbies. It was a very stilted, canned speech where he would just set a slide on the projector and read what it said, and then put up the next slide.

Slide 1: (Reading) We are glad to have you here.

Slide 2: (Reading) You have joined us at an exciting time.

At that point, he stopped, looked at the slide, and then said, "I actually made this presentation last year." That moment was a foreshadowing of my career at that company.

Now fast forward five years later. I got laid off, and I was working on a top secret project where we needed ID cards and stuff to get into the building. The company laid me off, and then said, "We'll pay you for two more weeks as long as you keep showing up for work." Then they took my ID badge so I couldn't get in the building. (I ended up camping out in a less restricted building at the desk of someone on vacation, sitting right outside the department head's office so that there would be no doubt that I was showing up.)