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Cochise
03-16-2006, 09:18 AM
Worst movie ever.

(I haven't done a planet movie review before here so bear with me)

Well, not EVER, but the worst I have seen in a long time. Maybe gorehounds can get off on this kind of thing, but for the more well-adjusted among us, it really has no redeeming qualities.

It's almost amusing in some ways, like a spaghetti western. All the horror staples are here. The most deserted gas station in the world, the creepy degenerate running the shop, disfigured nuclear mutants that feed on human flesh. The horror-cliche stereotypical nuclear family is there too, complete with gruff gun-toting conservative dad, saintly matriarch, pregnant young woman, wuss who doesn't like guns, innocent baby, and eye-candy daughter. (don't get excited, there's no skin. I mean, if a horror movie is going to be horrible, they could at least throw you a bone, right?)

If you don't want spoilers (smarter would be to not see the movie at all), stop reading this post now.

Some lowlights of the film include numerous skull splittings with pickaxes, a mutant-on-girl rape scene, a mutant nursing from a new mother before killing her execution style, a guy being locked into a freezer full of disembodied limbs, and a few unmerciful renderings of a shotgun headshot suicide, someone's fingers being hacked off with an axe, images of a gutted family pet, and a zombie biting the head off a parakeet and squeezing its blood down his throat like it were a can of easy cheese. Of course these all are accompanied by various other 'filler' violence.

All in all, it's bad, even for a horror movie, and suffers from the usual predictability and stupid behavior by the characters. It might be the most violent film I have seen, but it's not frightening - rather, it alternates between wanton, unintentionally funny, boring, and grueling.

On a scale of * to *****, this movie gets 0 stars and owes me two.

Just thought I should warn everyone. If you're into gore then sawing your own limbs off with a hacksaw is just as realistic and probably more entertaining.

BigMeatballDave
03-16-2006, 10:08 AM
The original scared the shit outta me when I was a child. I'll check this out when it comes out on DVD...

Lzen
03-16-2006, 10:12 AM
Yeah, I was kinda interested the first time I saw a preview for it. However, the more I see of the previews, the more I think "this doesn't really look very good at all". Maybe I'll check it out when it comes to dvd, maybe.

Deberg_1990
03-16-2006, 10:35 AM
Actually, most of the reviews ive read from "Genre" fans have said its pretty damn good. Its from the guy who directed High Tension. Looks like another throw-back to 70's style horror ala Rob Zombie.

Dunit35
03-16-2006, 11:18 AM
I'm probably going to go ahead and see this anyways. It looks pretty good, but now I am concerned that it isn't that good.

Cochise
03-16-2006, 11:40 AM
Actually, most of the reviews ive read from "Genre" fans have said its pretty damn good. Its from the guy who directed High Tension. Looks like another throw-back to 70's style horror ala Rob Zombie.

I am not a genre fan, I admit that completely. Maybe a gorehound would like it, but I thought it was pure unadulterated garbage.

The scares are all 'cheap scares'. There's little use of tension. The monsters don't seem particularly menacing. The heroes are morons and flat characters so you don't really care if they get killed.

The whole thing was just bumbling and poorly executed.

One thing I will credit it with, is that the music was well chosen and used in ways that I thought were unconventional and irreverent. Sometimes you get the typical horror movie death metal, but in a few places they use really old country and it works. The title sequence of old footage of nuclear testing and birth defects is set to "More and more", a 50s country tune centering on "forgettin' 'bout you." It works in a high contrast, corny sort of way.

I don't know what genre fans are looking for. I guess the hacked off limbs look pretty gruesome and all that. They should have bought a script that wasn't boring and grueling at the same time instead of spending all the money on fake blood and rubber severed legs.

There are preachy political angles too that I won't get into either.

COchief
03-16-2006, 01:40 PM
"a zombie biting the head off a parakeet and squeezing its blood down his throat like it were a can of easy cheese."

SOLD! One ticket to COchief in the third row.

Garcia Bronco
03-16-2006, 01:44 PM
Another remake....

Halfcan
03-16-2006, 02:44 PM
A mutant rape-thats a new one.

Cochise
03-16-2006, 02:54 PM
A mutant rape-thats a new one.

I overheard someone say before it started that they had to cut down some rape scene to get an R rating, so it was probably worse than it ended up being shown

Mosbonian
03-16-2006, 07:00 PM
I overheard someone say before it started that they had to cut down some rape scene to get an R rating, so it was probably worse than it ended up being shown

The standard for these scenes was set in the movie "I Spit on Your Grave"......

mmaddog
*******

QuikSsurfer
03-16-2006, 08:21 PM
yeah **** this movie.. look forward to Silent Hill :)

Halfcan
03-16-2006, 09:28 PM
The standard for these scenes was set in the movie "I Spit on Your Grave"......

mmaddog
*******

I thought you were going to say Deliverance.

Simplex3
03-16-2006, 09:32 PM
Worst movie ever.
I believe that's "evar".

On a scale of * to *****, this movie gets 0 stars and owes me two.
ROFL