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Frazod
03-17-2006, 09:34 AM
http://www.suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-ouch17.html (http://www.suntimes.com/output/news/cst-nws-ouch17.html)#

Man severs own penis, throws it at officers

March 17, 2006 BY ERIC HERMAN (eherman@suntimes.com) Staff Reporter



Before cops threw the book at him, Jakub Fik threw something unusual at them -- his penis. Fik, 33, cut off his own penis during a Northwest Side rampage Wednesday morning. When confronted by police, Fik hurled several knives and his severed organ at the officers, police said. Officers stunned him with a Taser and took him into custody. "We took him out without any serious injury, with the exception of his own," said Chicago Police Sgt. Edward Dolan of the 16th District. Doctors at Northwestern Memorial Hospital reattached Fik's penis Wednesday, sources said. He was listed in good condition Thursday, according to hospital spokesman Andrew Buchanan, who declined to comment further. Smashing car windows Fik, who lives in the 5400 block of W. Berenice, is charged with two counts of aggravated assault and one count of criminal damage to property, said Officer Laura Kubiak. He told paramedics he was distraught over problems with his girlfriend in Poland, Dolan said. Police arrived on Fik's block at 8:20 a.m. Wednesday after receiving reports he was smashing car windows, Dolan said. Fik then broke into a house down the block. A group of six or seven officers assembled in front of the house, Dolan said. The occupants were not home, he added. Fik was bleeding when the officers arrived and may have already cut off his organ, Dolan said. "At that point, this guy came running out, naked, with a handful of knives . . . and started throwing knives at the police officers that were 10, 20, 30 feet away," Dolan said. Fik threw his penis during the confrontation, too, Dolan said. He then went back into the house and re-emerged with "another handful of knives," Dolan said. Dolan sneaked to the side of the bungalow's front steps and stunned Fik with the Taser. Fik fought back when officers went to restrain him, Dolan said. "About 10 feet from the front porch, right on the sidewalk, was his penis," Dolan said. Dr. Greg Bales, associate professor of urology at the University of Chicago, said severed penises are uncommon but surgery usually works. "As long as the penis is placed on ice and reattached within a few hours, the success is usually pretty good," Bales said.

Bwana
03-17-2006, 09:39 AM
He told paramedics he was distraught over problems with his girlfriend in Poland, Dolan said.


Heh, and he thought he had problems before. "Gee, I'm pissed off at my girlfriend......................SAY! why don't I cut off Mr. Wanky!!" :shake:

Fish
03-17-2006, 09:41 AM
I blame David Hasselhoff........

Inspector
03-17-2006, 09:49 AM
Not a good day to be Fik's dik.

DanT
03-17-2006, 09:54 AM
That's only a couple of blocks from where some guy was beating the hell out of his car door one night when I was taking a taxi to the emergency room to get treatment for the condition known as "Damn, my entire body has suddenly turned red." The car-door-beater-upper was yelling "Stella" or something when we passed him. By the time we neared the hospital, the car-door beater-upper had become the drive-down-Addison-30mph-above-the-speed-limit guy, and he zoomed passed us. The cabbie, resentful that someone could drive that fast down Addison without getting in trouble, did what any immigrant cabdriver with his grade-school-aged daughter sitting in the front passenger seat would do in the circumstance where you're taking a passenger to the E.R. because he's all of a sudden turned red and some other driver has sped past you at twice the speed limit. He decided to catch up to the guy so that he could get his license-plate number. Fortunately, there was a red light about a half mile or so past the hospital, so I was only delayed for a few minutes.

The E.R. doc restored my pale Irish-Italian complexiion after diagnosing my condition as a histamine reaction from eating mackeral at a Korean restaurant and giving me a shot of Benadryl.

DanT
03-17-2006, 09:55 AM
There's a lot of smoldering passion in those seemingly tame bungalow-belt Chicago neighborhoods.

el borracho
03-17-2006, 09:55 AM
I guess the girlfriend isn't into crazy. :shrug:

Or she thinks he is dickless.

StcChief
03-17-2006, 10:09 AM
New girl friends might be hard to come by....

el borracho
03-17-2006, 10:13 AM
New girl friends might be hard to come by....
...or on, or in...

mikey23545
03-17-2006, 10:18 AM
"Take that, you dirty coppers!"

fan4ever
03-17-2006, 10:47 AM
Why did they re-attach his dick? If you're dumb/drunk/drugged-up enough to cut off your own dick, do we really want to spend tax payer money to enable this moron to reproduce? I'd rather he have the nick-name "stubby" than "scar-dick". Hope they attached it up-side-down or something.

BigRock
03-17-2006, 10:51 AM
Are they going to charge him with littering?

listopencil
03-17-2006, 10:54 AM
Assault With A Dead Weapon. Six months probation, time served.

Gonzo
03-17-2006, 11:14 AM
Why did they re-attach his dick? If you're dumb/drunk/drugged-up enough to cut off your own dick, do we really want to spend tax payer money to enable this moron to reproduce? I'd rather he have the nick-name "stubby" than "scar-dick". Hope they attached it up-side-down or something.

They did, now he's blind in one eye.

Gonzo
03-17-2006, 11:15 AM
That's only a couple of blocks from where some guy was beating the hell out of his car door one night when I was taking a taxi to the emergency room to get treatment for the condition known as "Damn, my entire body has suddenly turned red." The car-door-beater-upper was yelling "Stella" or something when we passed him. By the time we neared the hospital, the car-door beater-upper had become the drive-down-Addison-30mph-above-the-speed-limit guy, and he zoomed passed us. The cabbie, resentful that someone could drive that fast down Addison without getting in trouble, did what any immigrant cabdriver with his grade-school-aged daughter sitting in the front passenger seat would do in the circumstance where you're taking a passenger to the E.R. because he's all of a sudden turned red and some other driver has sped past you at twice the speed limit. He decided to catch up to the guy so that he could get his license-plate number. Fortunately, there was a red light about a half mile or so past the hospital, so I was only delayed for a few minutes.

The E.R. doc restored my pale Irish-Italian complexiion after diagnosing my condition as a histamine reaction from eating mackeral at a Korean restaurant and giving me a shot of Benadryl.

My fuggin head just exploded.

Rain Man
03-17-2006, 11:19 AM
That's only a couple of blocks from where some guy was beating the hell out of his car door one night when I was taking a taxi to the emergency room to get treatment for the condition known as "Damn, my entire body has suddenly turned red." The car-door-beater-upper was yelling "Stella" or something when we passed him. By the time we neared the hospital, the car-door beater-upper had become the drive-down-Addison-30mph-above-the-speed-limit guy, and he zoomed passed us. The cabbie, resentful that someone could drive that fast down Addison without getting in trouble, did what any immigrant cabdriver with his grade-school-aged daughter sitting in the front passenger seat would do in the circumstance where you're taking a passenger to the E.R. because he's all of a sudden turned red and some other driver has sped past you at twice the speed limit. He decided to catch up to the guy so that he could get his license-plate number. Fortunately, there was a red light about a half mile or so past the hospital, so I was only delayed for a few minutes.

The E.R. doc restored my pale Irish-Italian complexiion after diagnosing my condition as a histamine reaction from eating mackeral at a Korean restaurant and giving me a shot of Benadryl.


You turned red? Must've been a North Korean restaurant.

listopencil
03-17-2006, 11:20 AM
My fuggin head just exploded.If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.

Rain Man
03-17-2006, 11:25 AM
Dr. Greg Bales, associate professor of urology at the University of Chicago, said severed penises are uncommon but surgery usually works. "As long as the penis is placed on ice and reattached within a few hours, the success is usually pretty good," Bales said.


There's nothing but good news in this paragraph.

Gonzo
03-17-2006, 11:26 AM
If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.

ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL ROFL

Thats fuggin great!

FAX
03-17-2006, 12:12 PM
Jakub's Girlfriend Testimony: "I told him to go whack it off. Not to go whack it off."

FAX

Hog Farmer
03-17-2006, 12:20 PM
He probably did it knowing the tax payers money would be used to get himself a 12 inch pecker.