View Full Version : Newfie's explained

03-22-2006, 10:07 AM
Ok, being the resident Newf around here, there's still some debate as to just exactly what is a "Newfie"
I could sum it up by saying "Some one from newfoundland you dumb schmuck", but lord knows that just wouldn't cut it around here.
Here's a site (I actually offered a few of these to the writer) that might help explane us "misunderstood strain of people".

http://www.gonzo.org/fun/newfierednecks.html NEWFIE JOKES

As part of our efforts to educate Americans about Canadian culture, we bring you the Newfie joke. Newfoundland was the last province to join Confederation in 1949. They had the choice of either becoming part of Canada or part of the US. They decided to join Canada, and became our national joke. No, seriously, Albertans are a national joke, but that's another story... The Newfie joke is a very unique form of joke, usually in two forms. The first is the Newfie outwitting the mainlander: What's black and blue and floats in the bay?
A mainlander telling a Newfie joke

Newfie Waiter: Would you like to try the beef tongue?
Mainlander: No, I do not eat anything that comes from an animal's mouth.
Newfie Waiter: Would you like an omelette instead?

The second form is making fun of a Newfie, such as: How do you confuse a Newfie?
You put his welfare check in his boot.

Crude and cruel, yes. However, it is no coincidence that some of the best, brash and bravado humor comes from the Martimes, and I don't mean Anne Murray. Codco, with the "House of Budgell" and "Friday Night Girls" take full advantage of a peculiar accent and woes of Newfies. A few members of Codco later created This Hour Has 22 Minutes, a no-holds barred satire on news programs. My favourite characters are the Quinlain Quints. Never mind that there's only four of them, it's hard not to love these dumb toque and flannel shirt wearing siblings. All rightey then, on to these Newfie jokes sent to me by an actual Newfie:

You might be a Newfie Jedi if.....
1.You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be witt ya by*'."
2. Your Jedi robe is made of seal skin.
3. You have ever used your light saber to quarter a moose.
4. Both wings of your X-Wing are done over with sheet metal and rivets and are covered with polybond.
5. You have ever eaten bottled Ewok.
6. You have ever used a land-speeder to get away from wildlife officers.
7. The best part of spending time on Dagobah is the great weather.
8. Even C3-PO cannot understand what you are saying.
9. You have used Jedi mind tricks to help you drag off someone from the Sundance (Bar on George Street) and Breezway (University Bar).
10. You have ever used the force to convince a Human Resources Canada officer to give you unemployment insurance checks.
11. Your father has ever said to you, "Come on by' son, come on over 'ere to the dark side and have a Black Horse (Newfoundland brewed beer) witt yer old man."
12. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to scare off mosquitoes on May 24 weekend.
13. You have ever used the Millennium Falcon to smuggle booze and cigarettes from St. Pierre (Island belonging to France just of southern nf coast).
14. You have a Newfoundland dog painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
15. You think Andy Wells (St. John's mayor) and Brian Tobin (nf premier) are part of the dark side of the force.
16. You have ever fantasized about Danielle House wearing her hair like Princess Leia.+
17. You have a trailer hitch on the back of your land speeder for hauling your trailer to gravel pits.
18. Chewbacca is the lead of your dog sled team.
19. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with snowmobile skis.
20. You were the only person drinking Newfie Screech during the cantina scene.
21. If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... tell me what the hell your mother's getting on with by'?!" *A by is a boy, as in, "I's the by that sails the boat".

+Danielle House was the very beautiful and very former Miss Canada, until she punched another woman in a bar.
She was also a Playboy Bunny

You know your from Newfoundland when....
-You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.

Newfies may be to Canada what Rednecks are to the Southern US, but until you've travelled frequently throughout Alberta, rednecks are not an isolated people. Weirdly enough, Ernest C. Manning's eugenics programs in the thirties seems to have missed a lot of "mental defectives". Just kidding, but the next time you're stuck in a place called Dog Pound or Cereal, you can't avoid feeling like "Duelling Banjos" is going to be heard vaguely in the distance.

Baby Lee
03-22-2006, 10:18 AM
Newfie's explaned
1. Often characterized by difficulty spelling explained. :p

03-22-2006, 10:30 AM
1. Often characterized by difficulty spelling explained. :p

Hey, I NEVER said I could spell! :cuss:

But just imagine how hard it would be to read my hieroglyphics if I didn't use Word Perfect every now and then :thumb:

03-22-2006, 10:51 AM
The steward (in charge of meals) in my fraternity one year was from Canada. We had Newfie steaks a lot (Sunny-side-up egg over fried baloney over toast.) Weird, weird stuff

03-22-2006, 11:18 AM
That last set of jokes really cracked me up.

The only thing I know about Newfoundland is that is where Great Big Sea is from. :thumb:

03-22-2006, 11:58 AM
eh, whats brown and sticky?

"A stick." (newfie answer)

Iowanian answer
"A newfette's arse after the globetrotters leave town"

03-22-2006, 12:01 PM
The steward (in charge of meals) in my fraternity one year was from Canada. We had Newfie steaks a lot (Sunny-side-up egg over fried baloney over toast.) Weird, weird stuff

MMMmmmMMM, good ain't it?
That's what i'm eating right now for lunch ROFL

The trick is to fry the baloney untill it's just crisp, not burnt. :thumb:

Too bad he didn't cook up "scrunchions", cod toungs & fish cakes", or "fresh britches"

03-22-2006, 07:16 PM
eh, whats brown and sticky?

"A stick." (newfie answer)

Iowanian answer
"A newfette's arse after the globetrotters leave town"