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View Full Version : How to Save America: My Latest Attempt at Internet Fame.


Rain Man
04-13-2006, 09:07 PM
Okay, I'm still working on getting disigerent into common usage, and for some reason my urban legend about microwaves causing phosphorus fires on lower back tattoos is still languishing.

Here's my next shot. Please take this "How To Save America" list and post it on any Internet site you want. Attribute it to George Carlin or to Ted Nugent if you want, or just post it anonymously. My goal is to improve America and get 50 million people to read this, because every time someone reads it, Bill Gates will give a nickel to a child in Illinois who has a fatal disease and collects soda can tabs.

Twenty Good Ideas to Keep America Great

1. I think that every American should be allowed to beat the living daylights out of another person for 2 minutes once in their life without criminal prosecution. We would live in a much nicer world if no one knew whether that person standing across from them had used their beating yet.
2. All public transit should be roller coasters. It would improve morale, reduce pollution, and cut commuting times in half.
3. Relative to Point #1 above, it shouldn’t count toward your personal beating if you beat a person who was committing a crime when the beating started.
4. Any politician who says that he’s “tough on crime” should be required to stone to death a shoplifter to prove it.
5. Instead of this whole immigration system, we should just charge admission. Sixteen bucks a day, or a three-day pass for forty dollars. Do you see illegal immigrants at Disney World? No. Well, maybe you see some, but if so, they at least paid something. We could then use the money to guard the border everywhere but at the ticket booths.
6. Combine Connecticut and Rhode Island. I mean, who are we kidding?
7. Senators and Congressmen should be required to stay in biospheres where they raise their own food and have no contact with the outside world except to read and vote on bills in which all geographic references have been changed to Gotham City.
8. I think that every American should be allowed to grope the living daylights out of another person for 2 minutes once in their life without criminal prosecution.
9. Ban brassieres. They’re a symbol of female servitude and antiquated notions that women shouldn’t be proud of the nipples that nurture and sustain the next generation. Plus…No. I’ll stop there.
10. The government should sell annual discrimination licenses. If you want to discriminate against someone, you can do it as long as you have a license. The money you pay for the license will then be put into a scholarship fund for the group you’re discriminating against.
11. We should invest in bringing more chimpanzees to America. In case something happens to the people here, it’s an evolutionary insurance policy.
12. More sunshine for Alaska. It’s stupid to make our biggest state a deep-freeze, and it’s merely a vestige of Reconstruction.
13. You should be allowed to grope anyone who chooses to stand within three feet of you on an elevator when there’s room to stand further apart, and it wouldn’t count against your allotted groping. Or if they’re a gender you aren’t attracted to, then it’s a free beating.
14. I think we’ve come far enough as a civilization to be able to handle coed health club locker rooms and showers.
15. For one week each year, people should have to kill their own food. It’s too easy to order a burger nowadays without acknowledging that, somewhere, someone had to hit a cow with a sledgehammer to make it happen.
16. When you go to Utah, you should be allowed to rent a second wife while you’re there. It would help America learn about religious tolerance.
17. You should get a two dollar tax credit every time you bake a lemon meringue pie. If there were more lemon meringue pies in the world, there would be fewer unwanted pregnancies, for reasons that scientists are only now beginning to understand.
18. Let’s just buy Canada and get it over with. Except Quebec. We have no use for Quebec.
19. No more warning labels on products. Let’s check back in 30 years and see what happened to the genetic stock.
20. One vote per IQ point.

DrNick
04-13-2006, 09:14 PM
...I'm typing this reply through the tears....this is definitely some of the funniest stuff I've ever read.

ROFL

Kudos to Rain Man! :)

HemiEd
04-13-2006, 09:18 PM
:clap: I hope you are locked into a long term contract.

Skip Towne
04-13-2006, 09:22 PM
You really have a lot of free time don't you?

Boon
04-13-2006, 09:24 PM
Clap. Nice.

Dartgod
04-13-2006, 09:32 PM
I don't get it. :shrug:

Talisman
04-13-2006, 09:38 PM
ROFL

This will be e-mailed to the secretary at my work tomorrow. She's a forwarding machine. It'll go worldwide within minutes.

She really needs to learn how to use Snopes, though. If I get one more "You're pets will be dead by tomorrow if you mop your kitchen floors", I'm going to kill her.

Chiefs Express
04-13-2006, 09:42 PM
Just a question:

Is this purely RM work or is some of it plagerized?

I've seen some of the things on the list around.

No problem with borrowing, just wondering.

Dartgod
04-13-2006, 09:47 PM
Just a question:

Is this purely RM work or is some of it plagerized?

I've seen some of the things on the list around.

No problem with borrowing, just wondering.
Well, with George Carlin and Ted Nugent around, what did you expect?

Chiefs Express
04-13-2006, 09:54 PM
Well, with George Carlin and Ted Nugent around, what did you expect?

I work with Kathy Nugent and she says that Ted has never written anything he is given credit for.

Rain Man
04-13-2006, 09:59 PM
Just a question:

Is this purely RM work or is some of it plagerized?

I've seen some of the things on the list around.

No problem with borrowing, just wondering.


It's all mine. If someone else wrote it before me, then they were pre-plagiarizing, and I really don't appreciate that.

Skip Towne
04-13-2006, 09:59 PM
ROFL

This will be e-mailed to the secretary at my work tomorrow. She's a forwarding machine. It'll go worldwide within minutes.

She really needs to learn how to use Snopes, though. If I get one more "You're pets will be dead by tomorrow if you mop your kitchen floors", I'm going to kill her.
A rare Talisman sighting! (Hey, if I hadn't done it somebody else would have.)

Chiefs Express
04-13-2006, 10:04 PM
It's all mine. If someone else wrote it before me, then they were pre-plagiarizing, and I really don't appreciate that.

Pre-plagarizing? Hmmmmmm..I'll have to get back to ya on that one.

Bob Dole
08-23-2006, 09:14 AM
This list needs to live.

DaFace
08-23-2006, 09:21 AM
I doubt that this will ever top the distribution of the "What if other QB's were on Big Ben's motorcycle" list...

htismaqe
08-23-2006, 09:30 AM
I did my part.

Simplex3
08-23-2006, 09:32 AM
Man, the free beatings are PERFECT.

I'd like to add to the list, however:

* Anyone convicted of drunk driving will be issued a Geo Metro with no doors and a spike where the airbag used to be.

* If you don't pay taxes you don't vote. If you got all your money back you didn't pay taxes. If you can't make good decisions for yourself how the hell can you be trusted to make good decisions for the rest of us?

* Having a subscription to any celebrity-worship magazine disqualifies you from voting as well.

Rain Man
08-23-2006, 09:33 AM
I doubt that this will ever top the distribution of the "What if other QB's were on Big Ben's motorcycle" list...

Well, not if you don't try. Now get out there and start posting this!

Baby Lee
08-23-2006, 09:37 AM
2. All public transit should be roller coasters. It would improve morale, reduce pollution, and cut commuting times in half.
http://www.whynot.net/ideas/807

Why don't amusement parks use the roller coasters to actually transport people to different areas of the park?

. . .

And why not apply this to public transportation? Here in Southern California, it's next to impossible to get people out of their cars. Yes, I know this is impractical, but sheesh, if MetroRail was built as a series of roller coasters, they'd be lining up for miles to ride.

Rooster
08-23-2006, 09:44 AM
ROFL I love #11... :clap:

Bearcat
08-23-2006, 09:57 AM
I missed this the first time ROFL ROFL


ROFL
She really needs to learn how to use Snopes, though. If I get one more "You're pets will be dead by tomorrow if you mop your kitchen floors", I'm going to kill her.

I don't get very many rumor mass emails anymore, but I actually received one the other day about how a Budweiser vendor overheard people laughing at 9/11 and it ends up that all of the store's vendors quit serving them and they went out of business blah blah blah.... snopes said it's from October 2001 (obviously).

kindra68
08-23-2006, 10:46 AM
#9~gave me a giggle
#14~there are some people that I really don't want to see naked