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View Full Version : I don't know why I find this ironic...


chagrin
04-21-2006, 11:48 AM
could it be...SATAN?!?!

Defense Attorney dies in court (http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/04/21/lawyer.dies.ap/index.html)


RALEIGH, North Carolina (AP) -- A defense lawyer was arguing a drunken driving case when he fell on the courtroom floor and died of an apparent heart attack, officials and friends said.

Bailiffs and a police officer tried to administer CPR immediately after 57-year-old Tom Farris collapsed Thursday in the Wake County courthouse.

Emergency personnel arrived less than six minutes later.

Farris had previous heart problems, said Duncan McMillan, a friend and fellow lawyer.

McMillan said neither the rescue workers nor the court building had defibrillators, which can sometime revive patients by delivering shocks to the heart.

The county allocated money last year to buy the paddles but has been studying where they are needed.

The courthouse should have at least four defibrillators before June, county spokeswoman Sharon Brown said.

chagrin
04-21-2006, 11:48 AM
And why the hell can't this happen to Saddam, OJ et al?

Rain Man
04-21-2006, 11:49 AM
You should get a job in a hospital emergency room. It would be a barrel of laughs.

|Zach|
04-21-2006, 11:50 AM
:spock:

chagrin
04-21-2006, 11:51 AM
You should get a job in a hospital emergency room. It would be a barrel of laughs.


I meant IRONIC FUNNY, settle down Bishop

greg63
04-21-2006, 11:52 AM
I don't why I find this funny...

I don't why either. :D

StcChief
04-21-2006, 11:53 AM
Next up: Lawyer's family sues Inept County/Cit goverment in wrongful death case for failure to put in de-fibulators.......

Rain Man
04-21-2006, 11:54 AM
I meant IRONIC FUNNY, settle down Bishop

So you're not really interested in a medical career, then?

greg63
04-21-2006, 11:55 AM
Does anyone here "why"??

chagrin
04-21-2006, 11:55 AM
So you're not really interested in a medical career, then?


:banghead:

greg63
04-21-2006, 11:56 AM
So you're not really interested in a medical career, then?


How about you Rain Man; do you "why"?

Chiefs Express
04-21-2006, 11:57 AM
Does anyone here "why"??

I had a why once.....or was that a why not?

I don't remember.

chagrin
04-21-2006, 11:58 AM
How about you Rain Man; do you "why"?

I fixed it dude, thanks

Rain Man
04-21-2006, 11:59 AM
How about you Rain Man; do you "why"?

I don't why; I why not.

greg63
04-21-2006, 11:59 AM
I had a why once.....or was that a why not?

I don't remember.


:hmmm: Same here.

Kclee
04-21-2006, 11:59 AM
Here, I'll save your thread.

I decided the other day that I need to be a super hero. Not one of those introspective Asian super hero's who hands out judgement and shit. I just want to beat the crap out of other people wearing spandex. Like you know those fat people who wear biking pants to run so they're fat is spilling out everywhere? Yeah I'm gonna beat the shit out of them. And maybe take their wallet.

But what I realized is that every super hero needs a sidekick who makes the super hero look awesome in retrospect. After spending several hours looking at myself in a full length mirror, I knew I was in trouble. The only way someone could make me look imposing was if they were a midget.

Or Jewish.

So I went out to catch a midget. I don't know exactly where they breed or eat or whatever, so I armed myself with all the essentials.

A stapler with 76 staples in it (I counted)
Three slices of wonderbread.
A SPAS 12.
The hammer that inspired MC Hammer's name.
A vial of mutated anthrax.

I packed all my shit into a backpack tha....Oh wait **** I should include that in the list.

A backpack.

There okay the list is done. Anyways so I packed all my shit into a backpack except for 2 slices of bread which I ate and then had to replace because you don't want to get caught without enough bread. I went out to try and find myself a midget. Preferably a Jewish midget if I could, but I'm not picky. So first I went to the grocery store. It was a Saturday night (Why aren't I hanging out with my friends on a Saturday night? I think you can answer that for yourself.) and the grocery store was pretty quiet so I had to sneak around to not be found in the hunt for a new midget pal. It was at some point that I was trying to swim around in the huge bin of nuts they have that a Safeway employee approached me.

"Sir? Why have you taken your clothes off?" She asked, I froze, half submerged in the giant barrel of walnuts. I slowly started to sink into the nutty mixture and hide myself, only having the very top of my head exposed. Then I waited silently for her to go away.

"Sir I can see you right there. You just went deeper into the barrel. Please come out and put your clothes on." She said, but I waited longer. The graceful alligator knows that eventually his prey will forget all about the naked man in front of them, and will let down their guard. And I was like that.

A graceful alligator I mean. Although I was technically a naked man too, but she didn't know that. Or wait. She said earlier I was naked. Okay she knew.

My patience paid off as the Safeway woman finally got fed up and reached over to try and pull me out.

"Come on sir, here are your clothes, I'll show you to the door." She said as she reached into the giant barrel. I suddenly exploded out, walnuts flying everywhere as I unleashed my cheaply animated anime power which simultaneously clothed me and turned her into a can of sardines.

I looked down at my clothes. They were a Japanese school girls sailor outfit.

"Oh **** me...Why don't I ever get mens clothes when I do that?" I wondered aloud. More Safeway employees were coming at the sound of my awesomeness, some were carrying flamethrowers. One of them had a 120 millimeter Howitzer cannon slung over his shoulder. I knew my time to leave was now.

After a very exciting, and frankly awesome escape which I may or may not describe in a later post because I am lazy, I escaped to the parking lot. I had to admit that my little outfit did give me a very cute look.

I ran over to the nearby street and flagged down a car. The driver (a white guy who looked about 50) opened the passenger door and beckoned me in. I leaped inside, simultaneously hitting my head on the car door, seat belt, and airbag.

"Oh be careful there. You don't want to hurt your pretty head." The man said in a smooth tone. I stared at him with a look of constipation, because occasionally that look is needed to shake things up.

"Yeah. How did I do that anyways?" I asked rubbing the area that was battered. The man was smiling at me in an odd fashion.

"So..." He asked, "Did you come here on an exchange program?"

"What?" I exclaimed, then I looked down at myself. The damn Japanese school girl's outfit. My extremely white skin and hairy legs seemed to clash with any thoughts of me being Japanese, but he apparently didn't notice.

"You know. American's are very nice. I can be nice to you. Do you want me to be nice to you?" He asked rubbing his hand on my leg. I began to reach for the SPAS 12 in my backpack.

"Look buddy. I'm not a ****ing whore. I won't sell myself and my dignity for your sick pleasures. I'm trying to find a bunch of midgets and that's it." My fingers were wrapping around the SPAS. This ****er was dead.

"I'll take you to the midget colony. And I'll pay you $300." He said. $300?!?!?

"ME SO HAWNY! ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME!" I yelled out hurridly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once he stopped in front of the midget colony, I climbed out of the car. My ass was still red and I felt sticky all over. As he began to drive off I yelled after him.

"HAHA SUCKER! I WOULD HAVE DONE IT FOR 10 BUCKS!" He didn't stop and so I turned around and looked at the midget colony. It was built into the side of a mountain with flak guns, machine guns, rail guns, nail guns, glue guns, and chalk guns bristling all over it. It was a ****ing fortress.

So I snuck my way in (Hey if you walk through New York city in a Japanese sailor outfit, not a single person will look at you. The midgets standing on guard actually looked away in embarressment as I passed.) and went to the front desk where a midget receptionist was sitting.

"Hello welcome to Short-n-Sweet mountain resort. How may I help you?" She asked. I didn't like the cut of her giblet so I shot her in the face with the SPAS. She turned into a bunch of pixie fairies that flew away and eventually formed the FCC.

That's an anatomy lesson for you. Midgets are made of pixie fairies. 7 of them to be exact.

I began running through the hallways of the mountain fortress. It took a while, but I emerged into a huge cavern where all the midgets were. My mouth dropped open at the sheer sight of thousands of midgets, many mining for gold, going on quests and just generally doing midget stuff. Off in the distance I saw something that made my mouth drop....even....more.

A midget with a yamacha. Yamaha? Yamakca? He had a jewish hat.

"HOLY LIVING ****! YOU ARE MINE! POKEBALL GO!" I yelled out and pointed at him. All the midgets turned and stared at me as I threw the pokeball I had gotten at burger king about 6 years ago and saved for just such an occasion. The pokeball's cheap plastic broke apart when it hit him and failed to capture him, so I assumed I was not the pokemon master.

"**** YOU NINTENDO FOR GETTING MY BOYISH HOPES UP!" I screamed. All the midgets decided to attack me because I can't think of a way to segway to a huge fight scene. I took out the vial of anthrax and laughed.

"Haha! Take this!" And I threw it as hard as I could at the stone floor. Unfortunately the vial was industrial plastic and failed to crack or shatter in any way spilling it's terrorist death to all midgets in the vicinity.

"Oh butternuts..." I mumbled as I pulled out my SPAS and began to blow away midget after midget. I really hated wasting ammo so I just shot them 3 at a time. I mean midgets are only like, half a person, so it really all evens out if you do the math, which I didn't.

After a 15 minute epic battle I ran out of ammo and was cornered with midgets advancing on me. I used my stapler to kill 84 midgets through a series of ingenious and spectacularly well thought out traps that I devised, but I ran out of staples.

I was in trouble.

That's when the midget crowd parted and the Jewish rabbi midget stepped forward. He had a lightsaber in hand. I did the only thing I could do, drawing the hammer from my backpack and weilding it with the fury of the gods.

"CAN'T TOUCH THIS!" I screamed out as Jewish midget lightsaber and MC Hammer hammer met in mighty combat. He used his midget powers to kick me in the shins and pull my hair. I used my hammer powers and nailed some picture frames to a wall. All in all, it was a mighty battle.

Finally I knocked the lightsaber out of his little midget fingers and blinded him by shoving wonderbread in his eyes. Then I picked him up and stuffed him in my backpack. Swinging the MC hammer wildly, I carved a path through all the midgets and out to the exit. As I ran away, with mortar shells, 50 caliber bullets, and hot spurts of glue whizzing all around me, I knew this was all worth it.

Once I got home, I trained my little Jewish midget to be my butler and help out at parties that I planned to have once I got some friends.

http://www.ubersite.com/

greg63
04-21-2006, 12:00 PM
I don't why; I why not.


ROFLROFLROFL


A philosophy I believe I will adopt.

Chiefs Express
04-21-2006, 12:02 PM
NOW HE'S DONE IT, HE FIXED THE SUBJECT LINE AND RUINED THE WHOLE THREAD!!!!

SOMEBODY OUGHT TO .... WELL ...DO SOMETHING!!!

Fish
04-21-2006, 12:09 PM
The county allocated money last year to buy the paddles but has been studying where they are needed.

ummmm.... on-site would have been a good first guess....

chagrin
04-21-2006, 12:20 PM
ummmm.... on-site would have been a good first guess....

Awesome sig btw

:clap:

Rain Man
04-21-2006, 01:49 PM
I'm not sure this is ironic, but it's kind of funny.