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Douche Baggins
04-23-2006, 12:14 AM
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/35274458.html

I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.

Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself.

It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel.

Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant.

The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination.

As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.

As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face.

I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad.

Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!

Halfcan
04-23-2006, 12:20 AM
I hadn't planned on shaving my ass- but thanks for the advice.

BWillie
04-23-2006, 12:21 AM
Wow, this is really disturbing. Did you think of this on your own?? LOL

CoMoChief
04-23-2006, 12:22 AM
Use a nair type product. It's somtimes messy but works. I've had no problems with it.

alnorth
04-23-2006, 12:22 AM
I would have gone in with a pair of scissors and just trimmed it down a bit to clear a path for #2. A full shave just sounds dumb.

Dunit35
04-23-2006, 12:32 AM
Shaving would probably leave some sort of irritation down there, which would make it very uncomfortable.

luv
04-23-2006, 12:34 AM
Shaving would probably leave some sort of irritation down there, which would make it very uncomfortable.
Hmmm....

Good point.


And men want women to shave more than just their legs?

Use moiturizing soap. It's only irritating the first few times.

Dunit35
04-23-2006, 12:41 AM
Hmmm....

Good point.


And men want women to shave more than just their legs?

Use moiturizing soap. It's only irritating the first few times.


I personally have never shaven my ass before and probably never will. Now my pride and joy is a different story. :)

luv
04-23-2006, 12:42 AM
I personally have never shaven my ass before and probably never will. Now my pride and joy is a different story. :)
I know a guy who uses Nair for that. Same thing. He said it was irritating for the first few days, but he got used to it.

Dunit35
04-23-2006, 12:44 AM
I know a guy who uses Nair for that. Same thing. He said it was irritating for the first few days, but he got used to it.


Still couldn't do it. I've gotten rid of everything down there before and it was driving me insane...itching all the time. Never again will I do what a girl asks me to do.

luv
04-23-2006, 12:48 AM
Still couldn't do it. I've gotten rid of everything down there before and it was driving me insane...itching all the time. Never again will I do what a girl asks me to do.
I've heard hot wax works really well.




:evil:

CosmicPal
04-23-2006, 12:50 AM
The Best of Craigslist. ROFL

Gotta love it.

Dunit35
04-23-2006, 12:54 AM
I've heard hot wax works really well.




:evil:


not cool....wow I bet that burns...I don't know if it hurts as bad getting poison ivy lotion on your spot....that had to be the worst feeling of all time.

luv
04-23-2006, 12:56 AM
not cool....wow I bet that burns...I don't know if it hurts as bad getting poison ivy lotion on your spot....that had to be the worst feeling of all time.
Okay, this is a story you need to tell in more detail.

Dunit35
04-23-2006, 01:01 AM
Okay, this is a story you need to tell in more detail.


No can do, my father gets on here.

luv
04-23-2006, 01:03 AM
No can do, my father gets on here.
So does mine. Doesn't stop me. Of course, I can't still get into trouble with mine.

Dunit35
04-23-2006, 01:05 AM
So does mine. Doesn't stop me. Of course, I can't still get into trouble with mine.


Well I can't get in trouble with mine anymore either. I'd just prefer him not reading what stupid stuff I post on here.

Well actually my ex and I had sex at our local lake once and had sex close enough to poison ivy that we both got it. Unfortunately we both got it in the worst places possible. We had a blast making stuff up as to why we both had PI in those areas.

luv
04-23-2006, 01:07 AM
Well I can't get in trouble with mine anymore either. I'd just prefer him not reading what stupid stuff I post on here.

Well actually my ex and I had sex at our local lake once and had sex close enough to poison ivy that we both got it. Unfortunately we both got it in the worst places possible. We had a blast making stuff up as to why we both had PI in those areas.
That's what tents are for.

Dunit35
04-23-2006, 01:09 AM
That's what tents are for.

It was in the middle of the day. We decided to try something adventerous (sp). In winter so we wasn't expecting PI to be growing.

luv
04-23-2006, 01:11 AM
It was in the middle of the day. We decided to try something adventerous (sp). In winter so we wasn't expecting PI to be growing.
You're a brave boy. Having sex outside in the middle of winter aren't exactly the best conditions for a guy.

Dunit35
04-23-2006, 01:13 AM
You're a brave boy. Having sex outside in the middle of winter aren't exactly the best conditions for a guy.

It was actually a warmer winter day, so I was ok.

luv
04-23-2006, 01:14 AM
Are we the only two in here?

Dunit35
04-23-2006, 01:16 AM
Are we the only two in here?

I was starting to wonder too...I wonder where Greg, Mecca and Kcchiefsguru is?

I guess we're the only real playas on here.

luv
04-23-2006, 01:19 AM
I was starting to wonder too...I wonder where Greg, Mecca and Kcchiefsguru is?

I guess we're the only real playas on here.
Wusses.

Actually, I'll probably be wussing out after a little while myself.

rad
04-23-2006, 07:11 AM
Confucious say, "You can't shave your butt and expect everything to be "peachy""

Skip Towne
04-23-2006, 07:26 AM
Where's Slayer? I see an ass hair growing contest in the future.

BucEyedPea
04-23-2006, 07:50 AM
Laser removal...it's permanent!
Suffer once...the first time only.

Boy this really tops reading the Sunday paper! ROFL

Bearcat
04-23-2006, 07:51 AM
Repost from 5 or 6 years ago (Laz, I believe) ;)

Nzoner
04-23-2006, 08:40 AM
Hmmm....

Good point.


And men want women to shave more than just their legs?

Use moiturizing soap. It's only irritating the first few times.


Coochie Cream 4oz.
$13.95
No bumps. No irritations. No rashes. Just soft, silky smooth skin all around your genital area for your partner to explore without those prickly distractions.

http://www.nexternal.com/tickle/images/coochy_big.jpg

Bwana
04-23-2006, 08:59 AM
In other breaking news, don't light yourself on fire and jump off a cliff.

Skip Towne
04-23-2006, 09:05 AM
Laser removal...it's permanent!
Suffer once...the first time only.

Boy this really tops reading the Sunday paper! ROFL
Yeah, you won't see much about ass hair in the Star.

LocoChiefsFan
04-23-2006, 09:05 AM
It sounds like that fella needs to wipe better.

MahiMike
04-23-2006, 09:12 AM
That's the funniest thing I've read since the infamous, 'How to poop at work' story. ROFL

Chief Roundup
04-23-2006, 09:16 AM
That is some ridiculous stuff right there. Every heard of cleaning yourself off better. That is discusting. Anyone moronic enough to shave thier ass diserved every bit of the torture that they got.

BucEyedPea
04-23-2006, 09:20 AM
Yeah, you won't see much about ass hair in the Star.


How'd you know? :harumph:

Skip Towne
04-23-2006, 09:44 AM
How'd you know? :harumph:
Just a hunch.

BucEyedPea
04-23-2006, 10:24 AM
Shhhh! Don't tell anybody. k?

Kerberos
04-23-2006, 04:05 PM
It sounds like that fella needs to wipe better.


YUP

I got a friend that says he has sooooo much ASS HAIR that he has been wiping his ASS after taking a dump with moistened type baby wipes since he was 10 and still does to this day. He claims that if he doesn't use them it leaves residule dingleberries that makes it feel like he has a small branch from a thorn tree stuck down the crack of his ass while he walks.

Don't know about you but that isn't my idea of and everyday task. :shake:

Gotta almost feel sorry for a dude like that!



.

wolfpack0735
04-23-2006, 05:09 PM
Well I can't get in trouble with mine anymore either. I'd just prefer him not reading what stupid stuff I post on here.

Well actually my ex and I had sex at our local lake once and had sex close enough to poison ivy that we both got it. Unfortunately we both got it in the worst places possible. We had a blast making stuff up as to why we both had PI in those areas.
boy what do you think i am?,stupid. i knew it was poision ivy all the time. i just got the biggest kick out of watching you suffer,hahahahaha. and its still funny. i got mine around my belt line. your grandmother had to know but she never let on.