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wutamess
04-25-2006, 03:41 PM
Me and my better half were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

The B!tch

RedDread
04-25-2006, 03:44 PM
A guy walks into a bar and orders two drinks. He says to the bartender "You know with what I have I really shouldn't be in here."

The bartender turns to him and asks, "What have you got?"

"30 cents"

wutamess
04-25-2006, 03:48 PM
A guy walks into a bar and orders two drinks. He says to the bartender "You know with what I have I really shouldn't be in here."

The bartender turns to him and asks, "What have you got?"

"30 cents"

ROFL

stumppy
04-25-2006, 03:49 PM
Your momma's so cross eyed your dad left her for seeing somebody on the side.

FAX
04-25-2006, 03:52 PM
So this neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender serves him and the neutron asks,
"How much will that be?"

And the bartender says, "for you? No charge"

FAX

wutamess
04-25-2006, 04:00 PM
Your momma's so cross eyed your dad left her for seeing somebody on the side.

Someboy has been watching "Yo Mamma".
I'm also guilty as I watch it at night sometimes when i'm bored.

Rain Man
04-25-2006, 05:28 PM
A guy walks into a bar with several automatic weapons and a bandolier of ammunition. He asks for a drink. Frightened, the bartender gives it to him.

The guys sits at the table and drinks it. After a few minutes, he finishes, pays, and leaves.


(This isn't a joke. I thought I'd go with a suspense tale today.)

SLAG
04-25-2006, 06:04 PM
SNEAKING UP ON YOUR MAN
*****************
It's nasty but focus on the moral of the story!
When WOMEN sneak up on their Man

A couple was invited to a masked costume Halloween party. The wife got a

terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He,
being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his
good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his Batman costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping

soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still
early, decided to go to the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought

he would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when
he was not with him.
She put on a Goldilocks costume. So she joined the party and soon
spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with
every nice chick he cuddle and copping a little feel here and a little
kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After some more to drink he finally whispered a little proposition in
her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a
quickie in the back seat.
Just before unmasking , she slipped away and went home and put her
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he
would make up for his outrageous behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're
not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that Batman costume playing
poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband
replied, actually, I gave my Batman costume to your Dad. Apparently he
had a whale of a time. He told me he got lucky with a hottie in a
Goldilocks outfit"
Moral of the story: Don't try to sneak up on your man!!!

Talisman
04-25-2006, 06:14 PM
A dog limps into a bar and shoots the bartender. As he limps back out, a guy asks him why he did it. He replies, "He shot my paw."

stumppy
04-25-2006, 06:17 PM
Someboy has been watching "Yo Mamma".
I'm also guilty as I watch it at night sometimes when i'm bored.


Yea, anytime I'm flippin through the channels and it's on I always stop and listen for a little while. Some pretty funny stuff.

4th and Long
04-25-2006, 06:19 PM
A guy walks into a bar and orders two drinks. He says to the bartender "You know with what I have I really shouldn't be in here."

The bartender turns to him and asks, "What have you got?"

"30 cents"
Your signature picture is too tall. One of the Mods will be along shortly to remove your ability to post a sig pic unless you change it ASAP.

Rain Man
04-25-2006, 08:05 PM
A guy walks into a bar, and he's got an axe and a chainsaw. The bartender pours him a drink.

He downs it quickly, looks at the bartender, and then charges him. He lops off his left arm with the axe, and then his right arm with the chainsaw. He pins the bartender to the wall by putting the axe through his shoulder, and then proceeds to bloodily and slowly disembowel him with the chainsaw, his wicked laughter and the scree of the chainsaw a subtext to the tortured screams of the bartender.

There's no joke here. I just thought I'd try out the horror genre.

KCChiefsMan
04-25-2006, 10:12 PM
Someboy has been watching "Yo Mamma".
I'm also guilty as I watch it at night sometimes when i'm bored.


I watched it once, MTV right? The one I saw, I am 100% certain I could do WAY better.

"Yo yo yo, where did you get those shoes? Atlantic City?"

and then everybody goes "OOOOOOOHH"

I wasn't sure if that show was serious or not

KS Smitty
04-25-2006, 10:22 PM
Three mischievous old ladies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then Skip Towne walked by, and one of the old ladies yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

Skip Towne said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the ornery old ladies said, "Sure we can!" Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The old ladies stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 64 years old!"

"How in the world did you guess?"

The women snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "Because you told us yesterday."

58-4ever
04-25-2006, 10:26 PM
Guy walks into a bar and orders five shots of tequila.
One by one he slams 'em down the hatch.
Bartender says: Man, what's the occasion?
Guy says: I just experienced my first blow job!
Bartender: wow that's great, the next one's on me.
Guy: that's awful nice but if those first five don't get the taste
out of my mouth...

RedDread
04-25-2006, 10:42 PM
Guy walks into a bar and orders five shots of tequila.
One by one he slams 'em down the hatch.
Bartender says: Man, what's the occasion?
Guy says: I just experienced my first blow job!
Bartender: wow that's great, the next one's on me.
Guy: that's awful nice but if those first five don't get the taste
out of my mouth...

ROFL

Rain Man
04-26-2006, 08:39 AM
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives it to him. He sits there and drinks it, and looks sad.

After a while, the bartender realizes that it's his job to listen to guys like this, so he goes over and says, "What's the problem?"

The guy looks up, tears misting his eyes. "The only woman I ever loved," he says, "is getting married right now to another man. He's rich and he's handsome, and I can see why she's doing it, but it really hurts."

"Does she know how you feel?"

The guy shugs. "I left a note on her door last night. But it's too late now. I messed up every time I had the chance."

At that moment, the door to the bar bursts open, and a woman in a wedding gown rushes in. They embrace in a passionate kiss.


No jokes here. I'm going with a romance genre today.

beavis
04-26-2006, 09:59 AM
Three mischievous old ladies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then Skip Towne walked by, and one of the old ladies yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

Skip Towne said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the ornery old ladies said, "Sure we can!" Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, he dropped his drawers. The old ladies stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, asked him to jump up and down for a little while and then they all piped up and said, "You're 64 years old!"

"How in the world did you guess?"

The women snickered and laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "Because you told us yesterday."
Drew Carey.