View Full Version : The American Way?

Bob Dole
04-25-2006, 07:23 PM
Bob Dole would like to take a few moments to present to you a probably not-so-brief example of the double standard present in our society.

As many of you know, last October, Bob Dole initiated a sort of bizarre quest to recreate Tom Hanks' character from the movie Castaway, and embarked on a 6 month campaign of cost-cutting measures that were spearheaded by Bob Dole's refusal to shave or cut his hair. The progress of Operation Make-a-Vagrant was loosely documented here in the picture forum, and Bob Dole found the entire process to be somewhat entertaining, if not somewhat lucrative due to the increased, non-taxable cash contributions from folks who actually thought Bob Dole was a homeless guy. For some inexplicable reason, "Hey man, can I have a dollar?" is infinitely more effective when you have 5 inches of snow white facial hair and smell like a Himalayan yak.

Anyway, an unusually warm Spring combined with some other factors here that eliminated an intended May charity fund-raising opportunity, led to Bob Dole finally shouting some random obscenities and hacking the crap off. Of course, after investing a significant amount of time and effort into the growth process, Bob Dole felt compelled to hack it off in stages, but that's another story entirely. The bottom line is that as of this past Saturday at shortly before 10am CST, Bob Dole returned to his former, devastatingly handsome self.

Alas, the entire experiment has brought to light some interesting and wholly unexpected consequences. The most significant is the current situation in the workplace, which Bob Dole now considers to be, by definition, a hostile work environment.

You see, it appears to be perfectly acceptable for female employees, as a group, to behave in such a way that it causes discomfort to a male employee. More specifically, it is perfectly acceptable for female employees to go out of their way to go by a man's office in some sort of perverse, estrogen-laced parade of boobies and comment on a man's physical appearance. And when the male employee approaches management and expresses his feelings of discomfort at feeling like some sort of show pony at the county fair, it is perfectly acceptable for said management to simply dismiss the male employee's feelings as trivial.

Management's response to requests for possible ways to deal with a situation that is making the man feel uncomfortable?

"Close your office door."

WHAT? So if a woman had been through some sort of 6-month phase where she wore baggy sweaters and "let herself go" and one weekend, she snapped out of it and decided to show up on a Monday morning with a new hairdo and makeup and a low-cut blouse that drew attention to a truly magnificent rack, it would be perfectly acceptable for Bob Dole and his male counterparts in the workplace to talk openly about Betty's newly-rediscovered hotness, and email each other with a heads-up to find some reason--any reason--to meander past the titfest on the first floor and make comments about how much better she looked, and that if we weren't otherwise involved, we'd sure like to present her with a shiny new pearl necklace, you'd simply advise her to close her office door?

"Well, you know... Not shaving or cutting your hair for 6 months was clearly an attempt to draw attention to yourself. You couldn't have expected anything else."

OH! The "she wore a short skirt and no panties or bra to the office Christmas party so she was just begging for the drunk guy from accounting to cop a feel" defense. You should really focus in on that legal defense. That's a sure winner for the home team.

(Insert 90 second, red-faced, blank stare here.)

At which point Bob Dole felt compelled to point out the previous gender-swapped, cleavage-enhanced scenario. To which Bob Dole received a some sort of staccato-foreign language-gibberish verbal response and a look of sheer confusion.

And being the ever-compassionate-conservative sort, Bob Dole felt an obligation to offer an "out".

You know... Sometimes when you're standing in a big-ass hole, the best course of action is just to reach over and turn the backhoe off.

(Insert nervous chuckling/chortling/choking noises here.)

"Well, I understand where you're coming from, but it's just The American Way."

The American Way, indeed.

Where the **** is Bob Dole's obscenely large cash settlement?

Skip Towne
04-25-2006, 07:35 PM
What a crybaby.

Hammock Parties
04-25-2006, 07:37 PM
Get breast implants.

04-25-2006, 07:41 PM
the derunk guy is not always from accounting.

04-25-2006, 07:46 PM
You wore a low cut blouse?

Bob Dole
04-25-2006, 07:46 PM
What a crybaby.

It's probably easy for you to sit in the cheap seats and toss out insults. You've never had to be concerned with being sexually harassed in the workplace.

Or at school.

Or in a bar.

Or in a whorehouse, when you were paying for it.

Ralphy Boy
04-25-2006, 08:16 PM
The difference Mr Dull is that the women probably know you quite well, got sick of; both looking at and smelling, your ugly-unshaven ass and wanted to make certain that you didn't go back to it, so they made a big deal about how good you looked so that you'd feel like you were good looking when in actuality you're probably one ugly fuk.

In short: Bob :Pimp: Dole looked better than Bob :homer: Dole, but thats really not saying much.

So stop showing your :moon: and try to get yourself some :hump:

Bob Dole
04-25-2006, 08:25 PM
So stop showing your :moon: and try to get yourself some :hump:

That's some funny shit right there.

04-25-2006, 08:29 PM
I recommend getting out of the big ass hole.

Bob Dole
04-25-2006, 08:34 PM
Irony is lost on you people, isn't it?

04-25-2006, 08:41 PM
I know what I'm about to say will be construed as sexist, but oh well...

This is the reason men will always have a better place in the workplace. Men will be able to get past something like this, while women make a production out of it. It's like they are constantly reminding us of who has the upper hand. *I realize this isn't true in every case, I'm speaking in generalities*

4th and Long
04-25-2006, 08:44 PM
After sitting through several sexual harassment seminars, I can only add the following.

If Bob Dole hired a top notch sexual harassment lawyer, Bob Dole could be swimming in some serious cash.

04-25-2006, 08:44 PM
You've never had to be concerned with being sexually harassed in the workplace.

Or at school.

Or in a bar.

Or in a whorehouse, when you were paying for it.

Bob Dole, I feel your pain. I am constantly dealing with the longing stares from female coworkers. The constant murmurs, behind my back....where I just barely hear the words "stud", "desire", "ride him like a horse", "mama wants that"....etc. Bob Dole...when you are as devistatingly handsome as me....you simply have to suffer the consiquences. It's an ugly truth. The feel of their eyes...as they hungrily undress me with them. Do they have to be so obvious??

Oh, the pain of the look of lust, on the school girls faces, the first day of school, as they practically drool as the gaze at my fine, manly, rippled body. Every year it hit me like a physical blow....ov pure, lustfill force.

And, since you mention brothels......how many times must I hear..."Hey, baby...how bout a freebie....or heck, I'll pay you!!!!" From women of lesser values. It just isn't comfortable when women walking by me, sitting innocently on a barstool, stuff dollars down my jeans.... Can't they see my discomfort???

In short.....I understand, compradre......I understand. It's just not easy...as we both, now know.....

Taco John
04-25-2006, 09:49 PM
Is it sexual harassment to laugh at your buddies who aren't getting any?

Hammock Parties
04-25-2006, 10:20 PM
Is it sexual harassment to laugh at your buddies who aren't getting any?

If so, I'm going to be a millionaire.

04-25-2006, 11:07 PM
No self respecting "gentleman" would make fun of a lady, no matter how bad they looked. If I missed your point, then I'm sorry, but you are older than me I think, and you should probably realize that double standards exist.

Also, if you were going to grow your hair out, you should've at least got it long enough for locks of love.

04-25-2006, 11:39 PM
so this Betty...she single?