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ct
06-30-2006, 08:29 AM
Couldn't find the old one, so here goes. From an e-mail joke I just received...


The International Rules of Manhood:

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally be Killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.


We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"


THE TOP FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO ACHIEVE A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.


We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd

ct
06-30-2006, 08:51 AM
This is pretty good stuff I thought. Modified subject line might get a few looks... :)

BucEyedPea
06-30-2006, 08:54 AM
• men are good for opening up ketchup bottles
• getting things off of high shelves
• alimoney ROFL

Rooster
06-30-2006, 09:03 AM
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"


ROFL ROFL OMG that is my favorite one.

Rain Man
06-30-2006, 09:30 AM
I think another rule of manhood is that you can never put your arm around another guy's shoulder in a photo unless you're both in the military and in a combat zone.

ct
06-30-2006, 09:32 AM
I think another rule of manhood is that you can never put your arm around another guy's shoulder in a photo unless you're both in the military and in a combat zone.

Uh-oh. How about my 2 brothers?

sedated
06-30-2006, 09:37 AM
• men are good for opening up ketchup bottles
• getting things off of high shelves
• alimoney ROFL

shall we start a list of things women are good for?

me thinks it would be even shorter than yours

stevieray
06-30-2006, 09:41 AM
I think another rule of manhood is that you can never put your arm around another guy's shoulder in a photo unless you're both in the military and in a combat zone.


i'm hugging you, but I'm hitting you...

Rain Man
06-30-2006, 09:44 AM
Uh-oh. How about my 2 brothers?

Are you all in the military together? If not, I want to see more distance.

Unless maybe you're identical triplets. I'm not sure how the rule applies to triplets.

sedated
06-30-2006, 09:48 AM
I think another rule of manhood is that you can never put your arm around another guy's shoulder in a photo unless you're both in the military and in a combat zone.

"Lets Hug it Out, Bitch"

StcChief
06-30-2006, 09:55 AM
• men are good for opening up ketchup bottles
• getting things off of high shelves
• alimoney ROFL

1 - fancy bottle opener good for all types, jars.
2 - got a two step ladder for this honey do.
3- you won't get much. ROFL

DJay23
06-30-2006, 11:13 AM
When you do a buddy a favor he OWES YOU BEER.

Big Dick Jones
06-30-2006, 11:22 AM
shall we start a list of things women are good for?

me thinks it would be even shorter than yours
Two things. Cookin' and fookin'.

Lzen
06-30-2006, 12:03 PM
The Man and The Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again he man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's fantastic!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Rausch
06-30-2006, 12:11 PM
A real man would buy this book... (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/080652720X/102-7450611-5758512?n=283155)

SLAG
06-30-2006, 12:17 PM
6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,

"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstai rs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Lzen
06-30-2006, 12:19 PM
I think another rule of manhood is that you can never put your arm around another guy's shoulder in a photo unless you're both in the military and in a combat zone.

Ha!! What do you know about manliness, Mr. Orange car? You know you already broke the rules, don't you?

Moooo
06-30-2006, 12:20 PM
Ha!! What do you know about manliness, Mr. Orange car? You know you already broke the rules, don't you?

Its APRICOT

Moooo

SLAG
06-30-2006, 12:21 PM
A real man would buy this book... (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/080652720X/102-7450611-5758512?n=283155)


I gave this book to my wife for her birthday

THE PROPER CARE AND FEEDING OF HUSBANDS (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060520612/qid=1151691520/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/002-3998486-8431201?s=books&v=glance&n=283155)

Lzen
06-30-2006, 12:21 PM
When you do a buddy a favor he OWES YOU BEER.

Lzen
06-30-2006, 12:24 PM
Its APRICOT

Moooo

And this is somehow supposed to be better?


ROFL

Moooo
06-30-2006, 12:27 PM
And this is somehow supposed to be better?


ROFL

Funnier... yes. better, no

Moooo

Radar Chief
06-30-2006, 12:30 PM
At the International Beer Brewers convention, in between meetings, the Fosters CEO decides to slip into the hotel bar and sip a cold one. He walks up to the bar and say, “Aye barkeep, I’ll have a bladdy Fosters. The best bladdy beer in Australyah.” So the bartender pops a cold Fosters and sets it in front of’im.
Hearing this, the Budweiser CEO steps up to the bar and says, “Well, I’ll have a Budweiser, the king of beers.” So the bartender pops a cold Bud and sets it in front of’im.
Hearing this, the Becks CEO steps up to the bar and says, “Zvee Germans invented zee beer. So I’ll have a Becks, zee true king of beers.” So the bartender pops a cold Becks and sets it in front of’im.
Hearing this the Guinness CEO steps up to the bar and says, “I’ll have a doyet Coke, on the rawks with a twist.”
The other CEO’s a little stunned look at’im and ask, “aren’t you going to have a Guinness?” The Guinness CEO just shoots a sneer over his shoulder and says, “Well if you fook’n pansies aren’t drink’n neither am I.”

Psyko Tek
06-30-2006, 12:35 PM
A real man would buy this book... (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/080652720X/102-7450611-5758512?n=283155)


If you need a book....

turn in your man card

SLAG
06-30-2006, 12:40 PM
I gave this book to my wife for her birthday

THE PROPER CARE AND FEEDING OF HUSBANDS (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060520612/qid=1151691520/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/002-3998486-8431201?s=books&v=glance&n=283155)


Unabashedly asserting that man is a "very simple creature," who needs only "direct communication, respect, appreciation, food, and good loving'" to respond with devotion, compassion and love, this controversial marriage and family therapist claims that every woman can achieve a deeply satisfying marriage if she adheres to certain fundamentals men require. Preparing dinner, caring for the children without complaint, greeting her husband with a kiss and engaging in sexual intimacy instead of "tearing down a husband's necessary sense of strength and importance" can result in the harmonious marriage women crave. While many of her listeners and readers claim her unequivocal advice has salvaged teetering marriages and improved marital harmony, others perceive Schlessinger as a throwback to what many see as years of female oppression in the home.

Moooo
06-30-2006, 12:43 PM
I can't believe you got that for her BIRTHDAY... LOL that's awesome.

Moooo

sedated
06-30-2006, 12:45 PM
I gave this book to my wife for her birthday

THE PROPER CARE AND FEEDING OF HUSBANDS (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0060520612/qid=1151691520/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/002-3998486-8431201?s=books&v=glance&n=283155)

and you're still married, congrats

SLAG
06-30-2006, 12:47 PM
and you're still married, congrats


Married with a clean house (most of the time), Full Stomach, and Empty Testicles

sedated
06-30-2006, 12:48 PM
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?”

“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”

“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

big nasty kcnut
06-30-2006, 12:48 PM
Arule for man. Never call a friend during football season.

sedated
06-30-2006, 12:50 PM
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on her butt, and said, “You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle. ”

This statement disgusted his wife, but she decided to keep quiet.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, “You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra. ”

She was so appalled that she couldn’t keep silent, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his package with a tight grip. She smiled and said, “You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the butler, the pool man, and your brother. ”

sedated
06-30-2006, 12:51 PM
There was a couple who were married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo.

She gets completely upset, and screams, “You impotent bastard,” she screamed at him, “how could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, “I’ll explain the dildo if you can explain our three kids.”

sedated
06-30-2006, 12:52 PM
A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest.

The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would raise the dead. Then, the husband suggests that she let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin.

She does and Mr. Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. “Now, lift your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him,” says the man. She does, driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips.

Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

“Now tell HIM you have a headache.”

StcChief
06-30-2006, 12:53 PM
A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest.

The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would raise the dead. Then, the husband suggests that she let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin.

She does and Mr. Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. “Now, lift your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him,” says the man. She does, driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips.

Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

“Now tell HIM you have a headache.”
ROFL

sedated
06-30-2006, 12:56 PM
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.

“Who was that?” asks the husband.

“I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”

Rain Man
06-30-2006, 12:57 PM
Ha!! What do you know about manliness, Mr. Orange car? You know you already broke the rules, don't you?

A real man's not afraid to break the rules.

Moooo
06-30-2006, 12:59 PM
A real man's not afraid to break the rules.

True, unless it involves non-violent physical contact with another guy, that's like the bill of rights, it stays in place no matter what.

Moooo

Radar Chief
06-30-2006, 01:00 PM
A real man's not afraid to break the rules.

And I’d agree. The doubts only started show’n up when you let us all know that you keep snow tires on your sports car year ‘round. :shake:

Lzen
06-30-2006, 01:00 PM
A real man's not afraid to break the rules.

Pfffttt. Shuddap apricot car, blue space shirt, chicken soup smelling guy.
:p

Moooo
06-30-2006, 01:01 PM
And I’d agree. The doubts only started show’n up when you let us all know that you keep snow tires on your sports car year ‘round. :shake:

He is in Denver... Hell, I'd do the same thing, the weather out there is horrible!

I was there for an entire week last August (actually Castle Rock)... there wasn't a single day it didn't rain for like an hour. I could only imagine what its like in the winter

Moooo

sedated
06-30-2006, 01:02 PM
Two sperm are swimming along. One turns to the other and asks, “Hey, how far to the fallopian tubes?”
The other replies, “Fallopian tubes? Hell, we haven’t even passed the esophagus yet!”

sedated
06-30-2006, 01:04 PM
A guy stops to visit his friend, who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, “My feet are cold. Would you get my sneakers for me?”

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend’s two gorgeous daughters. He says, “Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you.”

The first daughter says, “That’s not true.”

He says, “I’ll prove it.”

He yells down the stairs, “Both of them?”

His friend yells back, “Of course, both of them.”

Moooo
06-30-2006, 01:04 PM
Two sperm are swimming along. One turns to the other and asks, “Hey, how far to the fallopian tubes?”
The other replies, “Fallopian tubes? Hell, we haven’t even passed the esophagus yet!”

This reminds me of a very very bad joke... Just giving warning.

Whad did one gay sperm say to the other?

"Man how do you see through all this sh*t?"

Moooo

Donger
06-30-2006, 01:06 PM
He is in Denver... Hell, I'd do the same thing, the weather out there is horrible!

I was there for an entire week last August (actually Castle Rock)... there wasn't a single day it didn't rain for like an hour. I could only imagine what its like in the winter

Moooo

It's pretty normal for us to get afternoon thunderstorms in the summer.

Winters are great here. I'll take a Denver winter over a mid-West winter any day. And summer, for that matter.

sedated
06-30-2006, 01:06 PM
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot that overlooked a golf course. He drove by and noticed a couple inside with the interior dome light on.
In the driver’s seat there was a young man reading a computer magazine, while in the backseat was a young woman knitting. Recognizing this as unusual, the officer walked up to the driver’s window and tapped on the glass, asking the man his name and what exactly he was doing.

The man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, “My name is John and that’s my girlfriend in the back seat.”

“OK, so what are you doing?” asked the officer.

“What does it look like?” John answered. “I’m reading a magazine.”

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer asked, “And what’s she doing?”

John looked over his shoulder and replied, “What does it look like? She’s knitting, sir.”

“And how old are you?” the officer asked John.

“I’m 25,” John replied.

“And how old is she?” asked the officer.

John looked at his watch and said, “Well sir, in 12 minutes she’ll be 18.”

Radar Chief
06-30-2006, 01:38 PM
He is in Denver... Hell, I'd do the same thing, the weather out there is horrible!

I was there for an entire week last August (actually Castle Rock)... there wasn't a single day it didn't rain for like an hour. I could only imagine what its like in the winter

Moooo

But is yours a sports car?
And it’s even worse that’e lives in “corner carver heaven” and hasn’t cooked off those snow tires. :shake: No real man would stand for that. ;)

Radar Chief
06-30-2006, 01:42 PM
This reminds me of a very very bad joke... Just giving warning.

Whad did one gay sperm say to the other?

"Man how do you see through all this sh*t?"

Moooo

I’ve got a friend that does new home construction that said he recently built a house for a lesbian couple. Said there wasn’t a single stud in the whole place, it was all tongue and groove. ;)

Gonzo
06-30-2006, 01:45 PM
shall we start a list of things women are good for?

me thinks it would be even shorter than yours

Only 2 good reasons to keep a woman around......well, three if she'll take it in the pooper.

Moooo
06-30-2006, 02:01 PM
But is yours a sports car?
And it’s even worse that’e lives in “corner carver heaven” and hasn’t cooked off those snow tires. :shake: No real man would stand for that. ;)

I rented a Neon...

Moooo

Rain Man
06-30-2006, 02:12 PM
Only 2 good reasons to keep a woman around......well, three if she'll take it in the pooper.

I've found a fourth, but I'm not at liberty to share it yet until I hear back from the Patent Office.

StcChief
06-30-2006, 02:18 PM
I’ve got a friend that does new home construction that said he recently built a house for a lesbian couple. Said there wasn’t a single stud in the whole place, it was all tongue and groove. ;)

ROFL That's an new oldie but a goodie.

Radar Chief
06-30-2006, 02:54 PM
ROFL That's an new oldie but a goodie.

Here’s another
A guy walks into the local pub, pulls up a seat at the bar and orders a beer. Before he can reach for’is beer a monkey runs down the bar and dunk’s his balls in the guys beer then runs off.
The guy, flabbergasted, exclaims to the bartender, “Hey! Did you see that? A monkey just ran down the bar and dunked’is balls in my beer.” The bartender just shrugged’is shoulders and asked, “Would you like another beer?” The guy replaid, “Well, I’m not drink’n that one.” So the bartender pours another beer and sets it on the bar. Again, before they guy can even reach for’is beer a monkey runs down the bar, dunks’is balls in the guys beer then runs off. This time the guy jumps up from’is bar stool and shouts, “Ok! Who’s fugg’n monkey is that?!”
The bartender say’s, “Oh, he belongs to the piano player over there.”
So the guy walks up to the piano play and says, “Hey! Do you know your monkeys dunk’n his balls in my beer?” The piano player looks up at’im and says, “No, but if you hum a few bars I can fake it.”


Buh, dum, tish. ;)

sedated
06-30-2006, 03:07 PM
I thought that last one was gonna be this classic:

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Behind the bar is a monkey in a cage.

When the man inquires about the monkey,
the bartender lets out the monkey,
hits it in the head with a baseball bat,
the monkey pulls down the bartenders pants and sucks his d!ck.

The bartender looks up at the man and says, “You wanna try?”

The man says, “Sure, but do you have to hit me with the bat first?”

Lzen
06-30-2006, 03:21 PM
Scenario:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

>>
>> .
>> .
>>
>> .
>>
>> .
>> .
>>
>>
>> .
>> .
>>

Answer: Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.

Logical
06-30-2006, 06:31 PM
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. :LOL:

BigOlChiefsfan
06-30-2006, 07:16 PM
A variation on the old monkeyballs joke, above:


A piano-player/songwriter is audtioning for a nightclub, plays some great songs. The owner says 'Those are great! What's the name of that first song?'
"That's one of mine, I call it "Downwind vaginal discharge blues"
Uh...yeah. I see. And the second one?
"That's my "Rondo in E major, with Embarrassing Rectal Itch"
What kind of song names are those?
"Hey, they're my songs. I can name 'em whatever I want, can't I?"

Well, I suppose. Gross as those names are I still really liked that first song. OK, I tell you what, I'll hire you on the condition that if anyone asks you the name of any of your songs you just call it 'sonata number 12'. I don't want my customers getting grossed out by your song names at dinner time. You can see my point, can't you?

Yeah, sure. I can do that. I'll start tomorrow night.

So the deal went down, and the pianoman played a lot of nice songs at the club. Word got around & the joint was packed night after night. After a month or 3, he plays for a few hours and then takes a break. He hits the men's room and on his way back out, one of the waiters stops him and says 'Say, do you know your fly is open and your weener is hanging out for everyone to see?'

"Know it? Hell, I wrote it!!!"