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Ultra Peanut
07-04-2006, 10:28 PM
7/3/1776
PHILADELPHIA, PA - The best and brightest among us have gathered together to face the primary issue facing our young continent. Yet after nearly a month of endless debating and deliberating, the assembled representatives from our 13 colonies still have yet to show any results. It would seem to an outside observer that these men have taken liking to this city (as well as its bustling red light district) and have become steeped in lethargy, but this appears not to be the case.

Anonymous sources inside the Congress now say that this lack of movement is probably due to the fact that the primary proponent of the notion of American independence, John Adams of Massachusetts, is an annoying and supremely unlikable son of a bitch.

"I like the idea of independence and all, but we'll never get there with him on our side yammering on all the time," said Virginian Francis Lightfoot Lee. "For the love of Christ, John. Shut your insufferable word hole for five minutes so we can actually make some progress on this thing."

In addition to the personality conflicts, Congress President John Hancock has found it especially difficult to keep the large and somewhat unruly group focused on the task at hand.

"Ruttledge. Ruttledge? Would somebody please wake the soused South Carolinian?" shouted Hancock after yet a another failed voice vote ground the proceedings to a halt. "If I'm not very much mistaken, the clock has not yet struck eight in the morning. No, tell the bar maids to stop bringing him rum. In all seriousness, what the hell is the matter with this town?"

Regardless of the explanation, the underlying question remains unresolved: are we to remain unhappy subjects of King George or strike out on our own and be viciously cut down by the fearsome Redcoats? The lingering uncertainty has led to a great deal of unrest among the citizenry. The most recent edition of Tom Paine's news sheet features a scathing editorial decrying the do-nothing Continental Congress and issuing a public call to, in his words, "tosseth the bums out."

To be fair, there has been some movement on the issue in recent days. Originally the idea was to write a cordial letter to King George respectfully requesting tax abatement and full sovereignty over the colonized portions of North America, but the so-called Declaration has changed so many times in the past few days that it is nearly impossible to keep up. Poor Tom Jefferson has written so many drafts of the infernal thing that his right hand is nearly ruined. Doctors say that the eclectic Virginian may never again engage in his life's primary passions: playing the violin and sexual relations with women he happens to own.

It seems that the specifics of the document have been the real stumbling block, the most controversial bit being the part about all men being created equal. It is all well and good, they say, to include verbiage to specifically mention men and not women, but many members complain that the statement is still too open ended and does not exclude nearly enough people. Everyone knows that, within the context of the document, the term "men" clearly means "land-owning white men, preferably from good families," but some wonder why it doesn't just come out and say it. Jefferson and some of the other liberal members counter-argue that since this is implied it does not need to be explicitly laid out and have vigorously resisted requests to do so.

Meanwhile, Adams continues to argue already settled matters to death as delegates squirm in their chairs. The order of voting, what color ink to use, when to break for lunch- Adams can squeeze an hour of lectern-hogging jaw-waggery out of any one of them. It is a wonder that anything gets done at all.

"Can we keep things rolling?" asked Pennsylvania inventor and author Benjamin Franklin. "I happen to have a to-do scheduled for this evening at the Hellfire Club, and if I'm late again they say I shall be spanked quite forcefully. On second thought, take your time, boys. Don't rush on my account."

Hancock has promised a decision one way or the other by tomorrow, the fourth of the month, but unfortunately the Congress received another dour dispatch from General Washington late today and it could take all day tomorrow to get through the reading of it.

StcChief
07-04-2006, 10:34 PM
Not bad.

Lurch
07-04-2006, 10:54 PM
The President of the Continental Congress was George Washington.

Fraud.

Although the bit on Franklin was humorous.

StcChief
07-04-2006, 10:57 PM
The President of the Continental Congress was George Washington.

Fraud.

Although the bit on Franklin was humorous.

The idea of a modern media report about 'Contential Congress' just cracked me up.

G.Washington was President of Contiental Congress

KC Jones
07-04-2006, 11:07 PM
The President of the Continental Congress was George Washington.



bzzzt...

Not quite - he was the first one elected to the office of President of the United States in Congress Assembled. That was after the war - 1781. There were two previous continental congresses of which Washington was not President. John Hancock was President when the Declaration of Independence was signed.

Lurch
07-04-2006, 11:08 PM
bzzzt...

Not quite - he was the first one elected to the office of President of the United States in Congress Assembled. That was after the war - 1781. There were two previous continental congresses of which Washington was not President.

You are right. I was thinking the Constitutional Convention....1787.

KC Jones
07-04-2006, 11:13 PM
Bzzzzt.....

Go back, do your homework....and then tell me I'm wrong.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/President_of_the_Continental_Congress

The most famous President of the Continental Congress may be John Hancock, who presided over the Continental Congress when the Declaration of Independence was adopted and signed. His large and bold signature on the declaration has led to his name becoming a slang term for a signature.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Continental_Congress

The First Continental Congress was a body of some 55 representatives appointed by the legislatures of twelve North American colonies of Great Britain in 1774. Like the Stamp Act Congress, which was formed by colonials to respond to the unpopular Stamp Act, the First Continental Congress was formed largely in response to the so-called Intolerable Acts. The Congress was planned through the permanent committees of correspondence, which kept the local colonial governments in communication with one another as their common opposition to Britain grew. They chose the meeting place to be Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in Carpenters' Hall, which was both centrally located and one of the leading cities in the colonies.

The Congress met from September 5, 1774 to October 26, 1774. From September 5 through October 21, Peyton Randolph presided over the proceedings; Henry Middleton took over as President of the Congress for the last few days, from October 22 to October 26.

http://home.comcast.net/~phantomlord13666/pwned.jpg

Lurch
07-04-2006, 11:15 PM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/President_of_the_Continental_Congress



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Continental_Congress



http://home.comcast.net/~phantomlord13666/pwned.jpg

Why are you making up quotes by me? heh.

KC Jones
07-04-2006, 11:23 PM
Why are you making up quotes by me? heh.

ROFL

I wouldn't have even known any of this crap but I just got done reading 1776 by David McCullough so it's fresh in my mind.

Ultra Peanut
07-04-2006, 11:40 PM
The President of the Continental Congress was George Washington.

Fraud.

Although the bit on Franklin was humorous.u tard

Lurch
07-04-2006, 11:46 PM
u tard
Okay.

I corrected my mistake.

Too bad your folks didn't do the same.

Ultra Peanut
07-05-2006, 12:08 AM
this is a celebration bitch :(

Lurch
07-05-2006, 12:12 AM
this is a celebration bitch :(

My bad, carry on as if this were the Bird Cage.