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Ari Chi3fs
08-01-2006, 11:39 PM
The Time a Guy Stared at My Dick in a Public Restroom

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 31 years on this planet (and there may indeed only be one thing) it’s this: PEOPLE ARE CREEPY. I got a chance to find out just how creepy about 8 years ago, when I caught some guy staring at my dick as I took a piss at a urinal.

I remember every detail vividly. I was working the counter at my job, when in saunters this really tall, middle-aged Native American gentleman. For the purposes of this blog, we will call him “Chief Peepsalot” (yeah that sounds racist, but I’m 1/8th Native American, so eat me you asshats). I say saunter, but it was more of a stumble really, for Peepsalot had been drinking this fine afternoon. In addition, he was very obviously homeless - he was dressed in ratty clothes that were smeared in layers of dirt and he was carrying an olive green army duffle bag. As he passed my desk, I caught a strong whiff of booze and 5-day-old piss.

Now in the line of work I was in at the time, I was quite accustomed to the homeless coming and going as they pleased, so I quickly returned to helping the customer in front of me without another thought about Chief Peepsalot. A couple of minutes later, another employee came to relieve me from the desk. As I left, I realized that the 10 cups of coffee I’d drank that morning had finally caught up with me and I needed to take a massive leak. So urgent was my need that I decided not to wait to get to the staff restroom but to use the public one instead.

Mistake. I walked into the public bathroom with its welcoming aroma of shit and urinal cake and made my way to the fly-infested urinal. To my immediate right was the lone bathroom stall, which was occupied. I unzipped my fly, rolled out my massive penis like a party streamer, and began showering the back of the urinal with gallons of Donkey water. It felt good folks. As I pissed, I stared down at two cigarette butts that were at the bottom of the urinal, bobbing up and down next to the urinal cake. Some guy actually had time to finish two cigarettes while taking a leak?

As I pondered this conundrum, a prickly feeling came over me. Something wasn’t right. I looked up and to the right just in time to see a face that had been peering at me through the gap between the wall and the bathroom stall quickly pull back and disappear. My bladder instantly clenched up, my immense penis shriveling to the size of a normal man’s. Sweat sprang to my skin in beads as my mind reeled. Did I really just see that? Was that some guy’s face? Nah, couldn’t be, could it?

After a few seconds, I sheepishly began to pee again. Thank God. It was just my imagination. But no sooner had I started up again than the face reappeared in the gap. And there could be no doubt this time because I was STARING RIGHT AT IT. Chief Peepsalot’s bloodshot eye was staring right down at my man-meats, a half-crazed glee behind it. I’m pretty sure he knew I had caught him too, but old Peepsalot was just too worked up to care at that point. My mind shudders to think what was going on in that filthy stall of his (hint: he may have been masturbating).

I froze, not sure what to do. I’m not a tough, angry guy by nature. Am in fact quite non confrontational. I was more embarrassed and shocked about the situation than anything else. That being said, I was damned if I was going to let Peepsalot finish his business and walk out of there. So, I gathered up my courage and took action.

“Hey!” I said in a deep, raspy, and fake voice. “What the **** are you doing?”

Chief Peepsalot must have known that the gig was up, but he still couldn’t tear his gaze from my glistening member (which I could only really HALF blame him for). I gave it another try:

“If you don’t get the hell out of here, I’m going to beat the shit out of you!”

In reality, I probably would have just slunk out of there and added an extra session to my already extensive counseling schedule (5 times a week!), but Peepsalot didn’t know that, and this did the trick. He bolted out of that stall and stumbled out of the bathroom. Shaken, I finished up my piss and washed my hands (there’s a first time for everything). By the time I left the bathroom, Chief Peepsalot was long gone. And he never, ever came into the place again.

It was an extremely invasive, creepy experience, and one that sticks with me to this day. Yet still, every so often, as I’m taking a leak in the restroom of some greasy spoon diner, I’ll look up at the gap between the urinal and the wall and think: Where are you now Chief Peepsalot? Why didn’t you JUST ASK? We could have been something special, you and I. Then I burp up some vomit into my mouth and wonder just what the hell is wrong with me.

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