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View Full Version : I just found out Emily is a . . . oh no.


Aries Walker
10-19-2006, 09:15 PM
So, I'm much more of a lurker than a poster, which you can probably tell from my post count, but I discovered something highly disturbing about Emily today and, frankly, you all are the only ones who I think will understand.

Who is Emily, you say? Emily is a woman at my work that I really like. She works right outside my office, and she and I get along really well. She's got everything going for her, it seems: she is quite attractive (think Joan Severance), loves sports and watches SportsCenter religiously, is funny and charming, is into 80s music and classic rock just like I am, and seems to really like me. I make excuses to go to the food machines just so I can walk by her desk and talk to her. Things are good.

Or rather, they were good. Until today. In an effort to make small talk, I asked her, "So, do you like the Ravens?" (We're right outside of Baltimore.)

She crinkled her nose and made a P-U face. "Eww, no."

"So who do you like?"

She appeared a little embarrassed. "The worst team in the league."

Before I could ask her who they were, my boss walked by. Naturally, I cut the conversation short and quick-walked back to my desk, as if I were pressingly busy. For about an hour, I slept through work as I compiled a mental list of all the stinker 1-win teams in the league.

Cardinals? Nah, she would have mentioned Monday night's game.
Lions? I'm not sure they have any fans.
Browns? In Ravens country, probably not.
Titans? Hmm, could be. They sure do stink.
Bucs? Probably more likely.
49ers? Now that's possible.
Dolphins? I bet that's it. A lot of girls seem to like the Fish. Don't know why.

I had just convinced myself that I bet she was a Dolphins fan, and then I thought: are they any zero-win teams? I ran down the divisions. No, no, nope, no, and . . . wait a minute . . .

Oh God. Oh no. It can't be.

I prayed for hyperbole. I hoped against hope that when she said "the worst team in the league", she was exaggerating for comedic effect, or something. Please don't let it be, don't let her be a Raiders fan.

Suddenly I craved Cheetos. Hastily, I grabbed some change and sailed out of my office toward her desk, attempting unsuccessfully to appear dignified and calm. All the while, I consider it. No, I thought. It can't be. Raiders fans aren't nice people. They don't laugh at my jokes and smile warmly, they don't tell amusing anecdotes, and they're certainly not cute. Raiders fans are mentally unbalanced. They hate everything. Raiders fans kick puppies and fart in elevators and set fire to nuns and orphans.

I reached her desk.

"Please tell me you're not a fan of the Raiders," I begged.

And then my world fell apart.

Dear God in heaven, Chiefs Planeteers. She's a Raiders fan. This beautiful, sensitive, well-adjusted, gainfully employed, delicate flower of womanhood is an actual Raiders fan. She can actually think about Jack Tatum, Bill Romanowski, and Al Davis without getting shooting stomach cramps. I don't know how.

She has, apparently, been a fan since they won the Super Bowl in 1984. She was just a kid - she must not have known at the time that the Raiders are a pulsating, bloated evil shitstain upon the world - but her fandom stuck, and she remains a die-hard Raiders fan to this day. Oh, the humanity.

What do I do? I can't like a (gulp) Raiders fan, can I?

For now, I am going to sleep.

|Zach|
10-19-2006, 09:17 PM
Interesting news, I imagine she needs a hug.

ENDelt260
10-19-2006, 09:19 PM
Stick it in her butt and move on. There's some evil you just can't fix, but you might as well enjoy punishing it along the ride.

Ultra Peanut
10-19-2006, 09:19 PM
Kill her. With fire.

Jayhawkerman2001
10-19-2006, 09:20 PM
If you ever get the chance, take her to a chiefs game at arrowhead, that'll change her mind.

PastorMikH
10-19-2006, 09:20 PM
If you marry her, you being head of houshold, you will pick the house team. She has no choice in the matter.

Mark M
10-19-2006, 09:22 PM
How big are her tits, and does she swallow?

MM
~~:hmmm:

Mark M
10-19-2006, 09:22 PM
If you marry her, you being head of houshold, you will pick the house team. She has no choice in the matter.

That was awesome ...

MM
~~ROFL

ENDelt260
10-19-2006, 09:24 PM
If you marry her, you being head of houshold, you will pick the house team. She has no choice in the matter.
Is this part of your pre-marital counseling?

Rain Man
10-19-2006, 09:24 PM
The good news is that, if she's a Raiders fan, she'll have sex with you for $20 of crack.

Phobia
10-19-2006, 09:25 PM
I was sure this was going to be another of those stories....

PastorMikH
10-19-2006, 09:25 PM
Is this part of your pre-marital counseling?



It can be for an added fee*





*Fee may vary depending upon team.

ENDelt260
10-19-2006, 09:26 PM
It can be for an added fee*





*Fee may vary depending upon team.
I'll keep that in mind in the off-chance I someday find myself in such a position.

Rain Man
10-19-2006, 09:27 PM
More good news: if she's a Raiders fan, she probably has all sorts of scintillating women's prison stories.

ENDelt260
10-19-2006, 09:29 PM
More good news: if she's a Raiders fan, she probably has all sorts of scintillating women's prison stories.
...and the stab wounds to go with them.

milkman
10-19-2006, 09:30 PM
**** her!

Easy 6
10-19-2006, 09:32 PM
I think chicks dig the fish because of the suck ass pastel colors. They look cool on Sonny Crockett......not football uniforms. But cram it in her butt for sure.

Iowanian
10-19-2006, 09:36 PM
Jim.

I Think Pam is just stringing you along until the wedding to the guy in the dock.

Did Dwight Shrute plant his seed in you?

If she's a raitard fan, at least you know she's got loose morals and will go down on you for a quarter pounder

Rain Man
10-19-2006, 09:38 PM
I wonder if she knows Todd Marinovich.

keg in kc
10-19-2006, 09:41 PM
I can relate. My current she is a donkos fan. Although she' smart enough to keep quiet about it.

Iowanian
10-19-2006, 09:43 PM
I think you should take your yukalelee to work, and at lunch, hop on the table in the break room and sing Endelts' favorite love song to her.

Nickelback Figured You Out Lyrics
I like your pants around your feet
I like the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favorite damn disease

And I love the places that we go
And I love the people that you know
And I love the way you can't say no
Too many long lines in a row
I love the powder on your nose

Ooooh
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out

I like the freckles on your chest
And I like the way you like me best
And I like the way you're not impressed,
While you put me to the test
I like the white stains on your dress

And I love the way you pass the check
And I love the good times that you wreck
And I love your lack of self respect
While you're passed out on the deck
I love my hands around your neck

And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out

I like your pants around your feet
And I like the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favorite damn disease

And I hate the places that we go
And I hate the people that you know
And I hate the way you just say no
Too many long lines in a row
I hate the powder on your nose

And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out

Mark M
10-19-2006, 09:43 PM
The good news is that, if she's a Raiders fan, she'll have sex with you for $20 of crack...

More good news: if she's a Raiders fan, she probably has all sorts of scintillating women's prison stories.

Stop. Just ... stop.

MM
~~ROFL

Donger
10-19-2006, 09:46 PM
This beautiful, sensitive, well-adjusted, gainfully employed, delicate flower of womanhood is an actual Raiders fan.

No she's not. That would precipitate a rupture in space-time.

big nasty kcnut
10-19-2006, 09:51 PM
Time to kidnap her and brain wash her to be a chiefs fan. Get the montana match game, Super bowl 4 win. The rain game. She will feel much better after that.

Iowanian
10-19-2006, 09:55 PM
Emily was a filthy pirate hooker. She once blew me in the trunk of a 89 Tempo.

boogblaster
10-19-2006, 10:00 PM
Pack all holes and kick her to the curb.....

KCChiefsMan
10-19-2006, 10:03 PM
after she said she liked the worst team in the league, why did you even have to think about which team it was?

Thig Lyfe
10-19-2006, 10:11 PM
"What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some, stick it inside her and pee."

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v297/drewshack/South%20Park/hall_monitor_cartman.jpg

Rausch
10-19-2006, 10:33 PM
Dear God in heaven, Chiefs Planeteers. She's a Raiders fan. This beautiful, sensitive, well-adjusted, gainfully employed, delicate flower of womanhood is an actual Raiders fan.

Nein.

If she's a Raiderfan she's either a felon or a succubus. Avoid her at all costs...

Guru
10-19-2006, 10:38 PM
If she is a Raiders fan, it would behoove you to find out if she is also a face painter. If she is into the Raiders dress up crowd, run away and never look back.

Smed1065
10-19-2006, 10:44 PM
I think it is just a test, she knows you are a football fan and wants to make sure you like her and not just her team...................


:)

blueballs
10-19-2006, 10:49 PM
she likes bad boys
**** her in the eye socket

Archie F. Swin
10-19-2006, 10:49 PM
The good news is that, if she's a Raiders fan, she'll have sex with you for $20 of crack.

Thanks for one of he best laughs I've had recently!

greg63
10-19-2006, 11:02 PM
I'm too lazy to read all that. Is it worth it? :p

Archie F. Swin
10-19-2006, 11:04 PM
Considering what could be wrong with a woman...I think you're getting a fair shake

Phobia
10-19-2006, 11:20 PM
after she said she liked the worst team in the league, why did you even have to think about which team it was?
This is probably the most sensible post Paul has ever made on this site - or any other.

SPchief
10-19-2006, 11:20 PM
I don't know if this has been said, but just do her in the butt and move on.

booger
10-19-2006, 11:25 PM
I voted for the seduce her with some old school AC/DC and stuff her cornhole option.

booger
10-19-2006, 11:27 PM
Just wait til raider week. It will make it that much more special.

booger
10-19-2006, 11:30 PM
I can see it now.

Two plus Two. Sleeping with the enemy.

Rausch
10-19-2006, 11:32 PM
she likes bad boys
**** her in the eye socket

ROFL

I still hate you though...

Rausch
10-19-2006, 11:33 PM
Just wait til raider week. It will make it that much more special.

"Don't tell me you won't go to the ATM, most guys that are Raiders fans do..."

Psyko Tek
10-19-2006, 11:36 PM
the girl I been with for 8 yeqars is a raider fan,
we been betting oral on who wins the game

I'm doing a'right with it

booger
10-19-2006, 11:37 PM
Please explain, having a blonde moment

cdcox
10-19-2006, 11:38 PM
You have a crush on Denise?

Good luck with that.

Halfcan
10-19-2006, 11:46 PM
I thought you were going to say Emily was really Ed and she had a special operation. But being a Faders fan is much worse.

ENDelt260
10-20-2006, 12:10 AM
the girl I been with for 8 yeqars is a raider fan,
we been betting oral on who wins the game

I'm doing a'right with it
The wager should be for something like mowing the lawn. Oral sex should be something that just happens.

ChiefsFan4Life
10-20-2006, 06:11 AM
Eh - if you end up living with her one day at least you have a good reason for domestic abuse

cookster50
10-20-2006, 06:45 AM
Antifreeze, bowl, done.

Dartgod
10-20-2006, 06:54 AM
You have a crush on Denise?

Good luck with that.she is quite attractive...That pretty much squashes your theory.

Scaga
10-20-2006, 07:08 AM
I can relate. My current she is a donkos fan. Although she' smart enough to keep quiet about it.

Well...her mama did teach her not to talk with her mouth full. ROFL

ck_IN
10-20-2006, 07:20 AM
A few questions:

1. How hot is she?
2. Have you nailed her and if so how good was she?
3. If you haven't nailed her, how easy do you think it will be?

If the answers to the above are very, yes/good, and hard enough to respect but not hard enough to frustrate then I'd say this is an excellent chance to missonary work.

If she's what you say she is and the questions are answered appropriately then she's redeemable. She may have gotten caught up in SB emotion and just never really considered the error of her ways. Here's your chance to do humanity a favour and convert this poor lass.

Or at the very least take a hint from Psyko Tek and make some pleasurable wagers while the Raiduhs are sooo bad and you can't lose.

The Rick
10-20-2006, 08:11 AM
Feh...

My wife's a Broncos fan. She lived in Denver for a while when she was a child and has been a fan ever since. Trust me, it's not that bad. Especially when her "benefits" far outweigh the negatives...

Plus, you can come up with some interesting bets when they play each other. :)

jspchief
10-20-2006, 08:57 AM
Feh...

My wife's a Broncos fan. She lived in Denver for a while when she was a child and has been a fan ever since. Trust me, it's not that bad. Especially when her "benefits" far outweigh the negatives...

Plus, you can come up with some interesting bets when they play each other. :)My wife is a Broncos fan too. Her entire family.

I always say, we're happily married 363 days per year.

Rain Man
10-20-2006, 09:09 AM
My wife didn't pay much attention to football when we got married. She became my Eliza Doolittle, whom I could mold as I please in terms of football. She made me change everything else, though.

ENDelt260
10-20-2006, 09:32 AM
2. Have you nailed her

Hahahahahaha! The dude's buying chee-tos so he can say hi to her. Finding out she was a Raider fan was the best thing to happen to him. Now he's got a lame cop-out to cover up his inability to make a move.

StcChief
10-20-2006, 11:17 AM
Go for it...she can be convinced of the error of her ways.

She's a Raider fan..how hard could it be to unbrain wash her.

cookster50
10-20-2006, 11:24 AM
Go for it...she can be convinced of the error of her ways.

She's a Raider fan..how hard could it be to unbrain wash her.
Very hard, Raider fans don't have brains.

ChiTown
10-20-2006, 11:30 AM
You have to kill "it" It's the only humane thing to do.

Good luck, and God's speed............

Predarat
10-20-2006, 12:24 PM
Since getting married is a bad idea no matter what NFL team they are a fan of, hit it till it ain't no good anymore then kick it to the curb. BTW gals that are Raiders fans are pretty kinky in the sack and will do pretty much anything. The problem is most of them are fuggin ugly. Since you have seen this one and thats not the case with her and she sounds otherwise OK I say go for it. You only live once and rivalry in the realationship can be fun. Hold on to her as long as she is still putting out.

ChiefFripp
10-20-2006, 12:42 PM
So you don't like slapping woman in the face during coitus?

Rain Man
10-20-2006, 01:10 PM
Ask her about Darrell Russell, and if she starts crying, then ask if you can see the videotape.

ChiefsFan4Life
10-20-2006, 01:16 PM
Put anthrax on that tampax and slap her til she can't stand

Aries Walker
10-20-2006, 05:48 PM
Ah, I knew I could count of you fellas. I think she's unbrainwashable, so I'm going to go the Conversion route. Wish me luck.

blueballs
10-20-2006, 06:31 PM
ROFL

I still hate you though...

you hate everyting
anyway

DomerNKC
10-20-2006, 06:54 PM
sounds like donkey punch time

Pitt Gorilla
10-20-2006, 08:24 PM
Jab a pen into the front of her head and move it around. Her feelings about the Raiders, and pretty much everything else, will go away...

Nzoner
10-20-2006, 08:45 PM
If she won't covert get her to wear a Rayduh jersey during sex,at least then you can have a good grudge fock.

HemiEd
10-20-2006, 08:53 PM
If she won't covert get her to wear a Rayduh jersey during sex,at least then you can have a good grudge fock.


ROFL The party has already started!

Smed1065
10-20-2006, 09:04 PM
My wife didn't pay much attention to football when we got married. She became my Eliza Doolittle, whom I could mold as I please in terms of football. She made me change everything else, though.


So she domianates you and makes you bet against the Chiefs?

Yes guys should have ball, married or not!!!!!!!!!!!!

:)

Mark M
10-20-2006, 09:44 PM
So you don't like slapping [a] woman in the face during coitus?

This thread is a treasure trove of relationship advice ...

MM
~~ROFL

Psyko Tek
10-20-2006, 11:39 PM
S
What do I do? I can't like a (gulp) Raiders fan, can I?

For now, I am going to sleep.

dude , deal with it
I been living with one for eight years,
we even have a kid together..
his name is Casey...
get it
they ain't bright but they are fun
go for it

sedated
10-20-2006, 11:45 PM
I'm going to go the Conversionoute. Wish me luck.

so you can have a threesome?