View Full Version : It's Friday. I'm Bored. My Internet Connection is Too Slow!

01-12-2001, 01:42 PM
Anybody know any good jokes?!

01-12-2001, 01:43 PM

Spelling Police
01-12-2001, 01:50 PM
Q: Is "marriage" a word or a sentence?

A: It's a life-long sentence.

(Polysemy just kills me, you know.)

Archie F. Swin
01-12-2001, 01:58 PM
an anagram for Clarence Thomas is
Concealed Hamster

01-12-2001, 02:02 PM
Try www.joecartoon.com

01-12-2001, 02:05 PM

01-12-2001, 02:06 PM
Boredom fix:
Example: 16 = O in a P Answer: 16 ounces in a pound

26 = L of the A
7 = D of the W
1001 = A N
12 = S of the Z
54 = C in a D (with J)
9 = P in the S S
88 = P K
13 = S on the A F
32 = D F at which W F
18 = H on a G C
90 = D in a R A
200 = D for P G in M
8 = S on a S S
3 = B M ( S H T R)
4 = Q in a G
24 = H in a D
1 = W on a U
5 = D in Z C
57 = H V
11 = P on a F B T
1000 = W that a P is W
29 = D in F in a L Y
64 = S on a C B
40 = D and N of the G F
76 = T in the B P
50 = W to L Y L
99 = B of B on the W
60 = S in a M
1 = H on a U
9 = J on the S C
7 = B for S B
21 = D on a D
7 = W of the A W
15 = M on a D M C
6 = D of S

good luck.

01-12-2001, 02:09 PM
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity ...probably has a scapegoat.
Plagiarism saves time.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
We waste time, so you don't have to.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
Succeed in spite of management.
Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

01-12-2001, 02:09 PM
boredom test two.

01-12-2001, 02:11 PM
I will now share some of my greatest bathroom poetry in honor of friday and your boarem..


Paid Vacation.

take a dump each working day,
the stench will keep your boss away,
with on the job, defication,
every craps like PAID VACATION!

hope you enjoyed...i've got a million of em..

01-12-2001, 02:19 PM
continuation of GAZ's list...if i may

21. We screw the other guy to pass the savings on to you.
22. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Spelling Police
01-12-2001, 02:29 PM
Q: What's the favorite subject of young witches at school?

A: Spelling

Spelling Police
01-12-2001, 02:34 PM
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. I justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

01-12-2001, 02:44 PM
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to notice that her husband isn't in bed. She puts on her robe and rushes down the stairs to check on him. When she enters the kitchen, she sees her typically stiff lipped husband sobbing into his folded hands on the table...she sits down to comfort him and asks him what the matter is?

He says "Honey, do you remember when i was 18, and you were 16 and your daddy caught us fooling around in the car?"

"yes, but what does that have to do with anything" she replied.

"do you remember when your daddy pointed his shotgun at me and said I had to marry you or spend the next 20 years in prison!?" he asked

"yes, but whats wrong tonight?"

"I would have gotten out yesterday."

01-12-2001, 02:46 PM
Try http://www.ishouldbeworking.com there are some good jokes and time wasters.

Baby Lee
01-12-2001, 02:58 PM
Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?

Its two tired.


01-12-2001, 03:02 PM
JC and Spelling, you can tell you guys must have some small children in the family...."two tired"...ha, ha,...:)

01-12-2001, 03:11 PM
A man and a women are awoken by a burglar. The burglar ties them both up, the woman on the bed and the man in a chair. The burglar than lays on the women and starts to kiss her ear. Suddenly he gets up and runs into the bathroom.

The husbands says, "honey, I saw him kissing you, if he wants to have sex with you, do it, do anything he asks, it could save our lives."

The wife says, "I'm so glad you feel that way, but he wasn't kissing me, he was whispering that he thought you were cute and wanted to know where we keep the vaseline."

01-12-2001, 03:17 PM
Shaq and the Midget:

Shaq Oneal goes to take a piss...a midget stands next to him but the midget has to use a step ladder to reach the urinal...

The midget looks over at Shag and says, "nice balls."

Shaq's a little surprised but says "thank you."

The midget asks if he can touch them.

Well Shaq is really surprised but being the nice guy he is and feeling sorry for the midget he says sure.

Just then the midget grabs Shaq's balls with both hands and says, "give me your money or I'll jump."

01-12-2001, 03:23 PM
question: how can you tell if female raiderfan's not wearing underwear?
answer: dandruff on the boots


Spelling Police
01-12-2001, 03:44 PM
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.

"Welcome, your holiness; your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life have earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."

"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"

"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled & settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, Repeating over and over, "It was misspelled! There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibrate, not celibate!"

Baby Lee
01-12-2001, 03:49 PM
I think I've told this one before, but its still an all-time fave;

Penguin goes on vacation. Decides to see the American Southeast by car, make his way on down to Disney World. He flies into LaGuardia, rents a car and starts out down the eastern seaboard.
Somewhere in South Carolina, his rental starts to making noise, smoking, and generally running foul. He spits and spurts his way into a small town gas station, where he asks the attendant to look at the car.

"Fine, it'll take an hour or so"

"OK, I'll just take a look around your fine town."

Penguin walks to the town square, sees an Olde Tyme Malt Shoppe. What with the heat and him being a pengiun and all, he decides a bowl of ice cream would be very refreshing. He orders a big bowl and digs in. In his gusto, he makes a real mess. Ice cream on his hands and face. His beak a mess.

Noticing the time, penguin high-tails it back to the gas station. Once back, he asks the attendant, still under the car, if he has located the problem. The attendant rolls out, looks up and says;

"Looks like you blew a seal."

"Ohh!! No!! That's just ice cream."

[Edited by JC-Johnny on 01-12-2001 at 03:53 PM]

Baby Lee
01-12-2001, 04:00 PM
Gaz - I think one of your items on the 'time killer' list is unnecessarily confusing by making one [two syllable] word into two letters.

Bob Dole
01-12-2001, 04:10 PM
<img src="http://www.raiders.com/Home/Cookbook/cookbook_cover.gif"><BR><BR>

Hahahahahahahahaha! Ha hahahahahaha!

Just cook, baby!

Too much.

Joe Seahawk
01-12-2001, 04:13 PM
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Gladwrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're

01-12-2001, 04:34 PM
Time to go home Joe....sad, really sad...:)

01-12-2001, 04:36 PM
It's fargin true, I really do have too much free time...

Joe Seahawk
01-12-2001, 06:08 PM

01-12-2001, 07:52 PM
Claim: Women flash their breasts at the camera that takes pictures of Splash Mountain riders as they plunge down the final waterfall.

Status: True.

Origins: Yes, some women pull up their tops (or have them unexpectedly pulled up by their male companions), exposing their breasts to the camera as they hurtle down the waterfall. No, you won't see these pictures as you exit the ride, because a cast member will prevent them from appearing on the screen. Yes, some of these pictures have been sneaked out and posted on the Internet.


01-12-2001, 08:24 PM
Claim: A man seeking sexual pleasure caught his penis in a swimming pool suction fitting.

Status: True.

Origins: Some stories just can't be improved upon:

Police and paramedics made an early morning call to a motel to free a man whose penis was caught in a swimming pool suction fitting. A clerk at the Scottish Inn motel made a 911 call at 4:45 a.m. Friday, saying the 33-year-old man was trapped in the swimming pool.
The pool's pump was shut off before paramedics arrived, but the man still could not free himself because his penis had become swollen. Paramedics inserted a lubricant around the suction fitting, and authorities freed the man after about 40 minutes.

The man, who had rented a room at the motel, told police he had gone swimming about 12:30 a.m. He was treated at Lakeland Regional Medical Center.

The responding police officer's report stated the following: "As I approached the man, I could see his pants were down to his knees and his penis was stuck in a suction hole located on the north side of the swimming pool." The police officers shut off the pool's pump but that didn't do the trick. Robert Cheuvront's penis remained stuck. Unfortunately for him, it had become swollen by the battering it had received before the pump was turned off.

Efforts by the police to free him failed, so the paramedics were summoned. Lubricant was applied around the pipe fitting in the hope that the poor man would become unstuck. Eventually, after nearly an hour of alternating delicate maneuvering and strenuous pulling efforts, Cheuvront popped out of the suction pipe. The paramedics took him to a nearby hospital, and a spokesman there later later announced the man had been released after treatment for bruised genitalia.

01-12-2001, 08:41 PM
Claim: In the process of attempting to get rid of a gopher, a trio of school custodians blew up their shack. Though all three janitors were carried out on stretchers, the gopher returned to the wild unscathed.

Status: True.

Origins: Just when you think every fantastic story is fabricated, you run into one like this.

On 3 April 1995, someone (probably one of the kids) brought a very much alive and healthy gopher to the janitor and two maintenance men at Carroll Fowler Elementary School in Ceres, California. The three guys decided to kill the gopher and took it into a small room where janitorial supplies are stored. They tried to off the critter by spraying it with a cleaning solvent used to remove gum from floors. (The solvent works by freezing the gum, thereby making it easy to scrape up.) Three cans were used on the condemned, but to no avail. The product didn't seem to faze the gopher one bit.

It is speculated that one of the men then attempted to light a cigarette in this tiny enclosed space. This is plausible because smoking on school grounds is forbidden -- this supply room is where any of the maintenance people would go to sneak a puff. As well, the janitor -- the one most badly injured -- was a smoker; his being at the centre of the blast and his neck wounds are consistent with this hypothesis.

As any sensible person would expect, there was one hell of an explosion, and all three men were injured. Sixteen kids were also hurt (mostly scraped knees and solvent inhalation -- nothing all that serious). The explosion took place at 8:10 in the morning, and classes at that school start at 8:25 -- given the number of kids milling around at that time, it's a wonder more of them weren't hurt.

In the aftermath of the explosion, the sprayed-down gopher was discovered unharmed and clinging to a wall. He was released back into the wild.

Of the three men, one was released from hospital that day, one was sent home a couple of days later, and the janitor (Carl) spent some time in the Burn Center in Stockton.