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cheeeefs
12-18-2006, 07:47 PM
As I sit here a maid is walking in and out of my room at The Hilton back and forth to my bathroom, casting gazes of wonderment in my direction as I type furiously on my laptop, pretending to be too engrossed in my work to notice her. I guess you might be wondering how I got to this stage, well finish eating your food, and get a garbage pale, you just might need it.

Right now I'm doing border patrol in Tucson Arizona where I go on site for about 32 hours. This is good and all, except for the fact that if you have to shit, you have to shit in a bag. No big deal really, except we are on an Indian reservation and we have to take said bag back with us. So you carry your shit bag with you for hours, an experience I have to this point, skillfully, even if sometimes painfully avoided.


Now, being a man of voracious appetite I do my daily ritual two, sometimes three times a day. Holding said daily ritual I have very recently found out results in an increase in the mass of the movement in a near linear fashion. Needless to say I got home and absolutely destroyed my toilet, it was truly epic. Frankly, I flushed the toilet and left that bathroom with my chin up and a bounce in my step, a proud man. Fast forwarding to the next morning at 5am, I wake up and make sure my system is empty and ready for another 32 hour shift by quickly dropping a dollop of doo. Flush flush goes the toilet. Standing up, to my dread, I realize the water level is rising and there is so much shit in the toilet it looks like an island in the Bahamas (minus the sexy women with daiquiris). I take the lid off and try to stop the spillage but its too late. Water has gone all over the floor and I do a cute little foot dance avoiding all I that I can without letting go of the damn bulb and keeping the lid from dropping. I adroitly handle this sad situation but realize that I only have about 20 minutes before I have to report for duty. I search frantically for a plunger but there is none in sight. I use all four towels to soak up the floor and with no other options I just leave, whispering an apology to my poor sleeping roommate who will now share a room with Turd Island until he can get someone to clean it up, or so I thought.


Fast forward to one hour ago. I come home and notice a privacy please card hanging on the door and think to myself "great, my roommate didn't let room service clean" I check the bathroom and yup, same way I left it... serves me right I guess. so I call down to the front desk and ask for a plunger, the lady stifles a laugh and says "Oh, you got a problem on your hands?" I'm like "ummm yeah", to which she replies "Don't worry I'll send someone up, we have a special word for situations like that". I'm thinking to myself "great, I just wanted the damn plunger, now someone gets to see Turd island and look at me like I'm some sort of circus freak"

So I go back into the bathroom to try to make it a little less, you know, absolutely stomach turningly disgusting. That's when I do an actual inspection of the contents of the bowl. Turd Island has become Turd Continent. Apparently my roommate in his tired stupor didn't notice the gravitational pull of Turd Island and added yet another serving of sludge to the now almost Godzilla sized turd. I'm talking a full bowl here folks, nothing to scoff at, and exactly as big as you are imagining it in your heads. This is a full blown pile-o-turd and it aint pretty. I decide that the least I can do is replace the towels or something. So I go to pick them up and I notice little black strands all over them. (This is where it goes just a bit beyond just gross btw). I quickly realize the little black strands are PUBES. My roommate (an avid drinker) must have also done some trimming before he realized how much shit was in the bowl and let them drop down into the bowl (I guess) when he flushed, the overflow sent his floating pubes over the side of the bowl and he attempted to clean them up with the towels, spreading joy all over the bathroom.

I almost vomit, decide its beyond repair, and quickly prepare myself for an escape. They can take care of this while I'm not here! I go to open the door, and who is there but Mr. Plunger himself. "Got a problem?", he asks. I quickly reply "umm yeah, sorry... it wasn't me I just got home!" He chuckles, we both know I'm lying. He says "Its okay." He obviously didn't know what he was dealing with here. He enters the bathroom and I quickly run to the other side of the room and hide myself behind the desk while I relay the story in horror to my friend Amanda over MSN. She tries to goad me into going and asking the guy if that's the most impressive pile he's ever witnessed, but I am a chicken, and decided against such an adventure. After several minutes of turd wrangling the pour soul comes out and asks me if I want house keeping to come clean up the bathroom, to which I obviously reply "No thanks, it can be taken care of tomorrow!" he nods in understanding and takes his leave and I breathe a sigh of relief. Also to my great relief, I go and make use of the newly functional throne (I stop halfway and flush twice just to make sure)

Ten minutes later (I'm still tucked into the corner chatting on MSN) someone enters my room, it can't be my roommate he won't be home till tomorrow night. I peek around the corner, and it's a maid... I guess Mr. Plunger wasn't so understanding after all. Probably his revenge on me for the plunging experience of the year. I don't give away my position behind the desk in the corner and hope she just cleans and leaves. I hear several flushes and decide to start counting. 1, 2, 3, 4... something has to be wrong. I think, but I'm not sure, that I clogged that bad boy again! I guess only the maid will ever know for sure. Anyways, she continues to clean but eventually she comes to work on the rest of the wrecked room, she walks over to my bed to start making it and finally notices me "oh oh oh oh sorry" she says in broken English. I say "hey..." She responds with "Want me make bed?"
"No thanks, that's okay.... sorry about the bathroom!" I say. She responds with, "that's okay, *giggle* lot of poopy!" I almost die on the spot, but respect the lady for her openness. She goes gives up on the room and goes back into the bathroom where she again continues alternate between going out into the hallway to get stuff from her cart, and flushing the toilet. (this is when I started writing this piece) 5, 6, 7.... EIGHT times she flushed my toilet while cleaning my bathroom. This is after it had already been plunged! Finally, after about 20 minutes of dedicated work she finished and left. I bid her farewell with a nervous laugh and here I sit, awash with conflicting emotions. A part of me is proud of my manly movements, but most of me wishes to god I was faster getting my clothes on.

ChiefsFire
12-18-2006, 07:53 PM
wow

"These are the days of our lives...."

Buck
12-18-2006, 07:57 PM
Great Story.

Bob Dole
12-18-2006, 07:59 PM
Did you at least name the kids you dropped off at the pool?

It's not a good story unless they have names.

DenverChief
12-18-2006, 08:00 PM
very well written I LMAO the whole time

Buck
12-18-2006, 08:00 PM
Oh yeah, I'd rather shit in a bag, f.y.i.

ChiefsLV
12-18-2006, 08:04 PM
As I sit here a maid is walking in and out of my room at The Hilton...

That was awesome, one of the best poop stories I've read. You should post that puppy on poopreport.com.

Man, it sucks to be the plunger guy.... It must have gotten pretty ripe in there leaving it all day.

cheeeefs
12-18-2006, 08:05 PM
Did you at least name the kids you dropped off at the pool?

It's not a good story unless they have names.

well, the first one would be John Coffey

and since the second was just a dollop... Maybe Verne Troyer

Oh yeah, I'd rather shit in a bag, f.y.i.

Hind site is always 20/20

Buck
12-18-2006, 08:08 PM
I think it should be Behindsight.

Coach
12-18-2006, 08:09 PM
Wow...

That...was....AWESOME!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v39/SwedeCarlson/Funnies/Farley.jpg

JonesCrusher
12-18-2006, 08:13 PM
You have a gift, and you're a good storyteller too.

chiefs4me
12-18-2006, 08:18 PM
good god, how much do maids get paid..you couldn't ever pay me enough to clean that mess up...:eek:

trndobrd
12-18-2006, 08:25 PM
This is how a poop thread is supposed to be.

Iowanian
12-18-2006, 08:28 PM
You know this problem in our country is in dire need of repair when a canadian turd wrangler is watching our Mexican boarder.

The Irony is that the made who tamed Turd Mountain, is probably illegal.

You leave good tip mista.

Bob Dole
12-18-2006, 08:35 PM
good god, how much do maids get paid..you couldn't ever pay me enough to clean that mess up...:eek:

That's why your dad kept repeating, "Go to college".

Simplex3
12-18-2006, 08:36 PM
So here's what I never get about hotel toilets. What's with that dip in the porcelain towards the back of the bowl? Every time you nail the plunger it just shoots water and, er, other things up into the air, all over the seat and tank, etc. WTF?

cheeeefs
12-18-2006, 08:37 PM
Oh, I gotta change that. I live in Maryland now. Someday I'll move back to Toronto permanently though.

I do have some damn good stories from doing this border patrol stuff though, maybe I'll write something up and post it. Like today I got to call in a helicopter, three trucks, a motorbike and an ATV to track down 20 illegals carrying 540 pounds of dope. Stuff like that is exciting, I'll post more later.

Gonzo
12-18-2006, 08:37 PM
That has to be one of the most vile, gag inducing and socially uncooth stories I have ever read. Congratulations.

I laughed the whole time.

Simplex3
12-18-2006, 08:40 PM
BTW, for this story to be truly horrid it needed more descriptives. What had you eaten, what had your roommate eaten, consistency, color, oder, etc.

Iowanian
12-18-2006, 08:41 PM
If you think that was uncomfortable..you know, being in the room when she cleaned that.....Imagine when you hear her telling the other customers at Continental breakfast about how Terrance and Phillip Pooped a Wookie up in 223.

Gonzo
12-18-2006, 08:42 PM
BTW, for this story to be truly horrid it needed more descriptives. What had you eaten, what had your roommate eaten, consistency, color, oder, etc.


Oh, I think we can do without all that Simplex.

I already tasted my breakfast for the second time today.

Simplex3
12-18-2006, 08:42 PM
If you think that was uncomfortable..you know, being in the room when she cleaned that.....Imagine when you hear her telling the other customers at Continental breakfast about how Terrance and Phillip Pooped a Wookie up in 223.
Actually, you know if she finds some semen-encrusted sheets they're going to wind up in his room before they find their way to the laundry.

cheeeefs
12-18-2006, 08:43 PM
BTW, for this story to be truly horrid it needed more descriptives. What had you eaten, what had your roommate eaten, consistency, color, oder, etc.

Sometimes you let the readers imagination write some of the story for you. ;)

Simplex3
12-18-2006, 08:43 PM
Oh, I think we can do without all that Simplex.

I already tasted my breakfast for the second time today.
Was it still in the bowl too?

Gonzo
12-18-2006, 08:47 PM
Was it still in the bowl too?


ROFL ROFL You just can't beat a good ol'e poop eating joke.

(And yes, it was...luckily I had some peanuts the day before to disguise the flavor)

chiefs4me
12-18-2006, 09:24 PM
That's why your dad kept repeating, "Go to college".



I know..I did...but I still want to know how much a paid would get paid to clean up that mess.....:shake:

redngold85
12-18-2006, 09:31 PM
this should be a novel

ENDelt260
12-18-2006, 09:31 PM
Oh, I gotta change that. I live in Maryland now. Someday I'll move back to Toronto permanently though.

I do have some damn good stories from doing this border patrol stuff though, maybe I'll write something up and post it. Like today I got to call in a helicopter, three trucks, a motorbike and an ATV to track down 20 illegals carrying 540 pounds of dope. Stuff like that is exciting, I'll post more later.
Oh, man... why you gotta be f*cking up the prices?

cheeeefs
12-18-2006, 09:36 PM
My goal is to make it priced so high people start protesting and eventually get it legalized.

Iowanian
12-19-2006, 07:56 AM
http://www.arnadal.no/film/images/closeenc.jpg

StcChief
12-19-2006, 08:01 AM
Nominatee for Poop thread of the Year.

Iowanian
12-19-2006, 08:07 AM
Cheeefs here is can-EH-dian,
working at the boarder.
when he takes a daily dump at night
The tor-lets out of order.

A defication stadium
muddy for the running game
They call it Investco stadium
Pile high is its name.

I've read your close encounter
of the second kind.
You might be in need of crutches,
you could be chop blocked from behind.

The maid was wearing orange
and cleaning out the bowl
she's coming back this morning
with an excavating hoe.

Take a shovel when you go out there,
and dig yourself a hole.
take your daily raider fan,
in Nature's toilet bowl.

cheeeefs
12-19-2006, 09:05 AM
That was awesome, one of the best poop stories I've read. You should post that puppy on poopreport.com.

I had to register and mail it in since it was too long, but Dave put it up this morning. Thanks for the suggestion!

http://www.poopreport.com/Stories/tuscon_hilton.html

cheeeefs
12-19-2006, 09:08 AM
Cheeefs here is can-EH-dian,
working at the boarder.
when he takes a daily dump at night
The tor-lets out of order.

A defication stadium
muddy for the running game
They call it Investco stadium
Pile high is its name.

I've read your close encounter
of the second kind.
You might be in need of crutches,
you could be chop blocked from behind.

The maid was wearing orange
and cleaning out the bowl
she's coming back this morning
with an excavating hoe.

Take a shovel when you go out there,
and dig yourself a hole.
take your daily raider fan,
in Nature's toilet bowl.


I can die having lived a full and complete life now that my #2's have been immortalized in song by Iowanian himself.

Douche Baggins
12-19-2006, 09:21 AM
There's no excuse to ever have an overflow. If you know what you're doing, you can successfully avoid it everytime. The only possible failure is due to bad execution. I'm experienced in these matters. I've been clogging toilets since Jr. High. I used to be afraid of the situation when it struck, but not anymore. I've got my technique down pat.

By the way, you haven't lived until you've submerged your arm elbow-deep into shitty water.

cheeeefs
12-19-2006, 09:34 AM
My general strategy to avoid overflow is to shit when I have to. Several times a day. Its been a long time since I was a once a day shitter with enough output to clog a toilet.

In highschool I was a once a day shitter. I would shit right before track practice every day. I would also get on a high tech scale before and after every shit and report to the team the exact weight of my movement. It became a sensation, people would make bets on if I would break a pound or not. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't, my most monstrous shit was 1.8 pounds. It was exciting.

kepp
12-19-2006, 09:34 AM
Trying to suppress ROFL at work now...thanks. Great story BTW.

I'm thinking that it you could've at least left a mint on the pile for the maid though. They don't get many tips you know.

Ecto-I
12-19-2006, 10:26 AM
Wow...Very entertaining!

Nzoner
12-19-2006, 10:40 AM
That was some funny shit

Iowanian
12-19-2006, 10:56 AM
Wonderdump Activated!
shape of Devils Tower
Form of the Chiefs Season!

klg61
12-19-2006, 10:59 AM
thats some funny stuff there. thanks the coffee is hard to get out of a key board ya know..

DJJasonp
12-19-2006, 11:11 AM
I had a similar experience happen at a nice hotel in New York.

No plunger on the scene....and me praying for the flood waters to recede....no such luck.

They had to bring maintenance up to fix the problem. It was pretty embarassing actually.....but funny at the same time....I kept thinking how the maintenance guy went home to his wife and she asked him how his day went....and he went on to describe how his nostril hairs were singed by the ungodly smell emanating from the clogged toilet in 573.....

It's at that moment when you know you've made a serious vocational error...

Chromie
12-19-2006, 11:16 AM
klg one of these days youll learn to not drink coffee while around the keyboard... ;)

klg61
12-19-2006, 11:18 AM
i remember once, we went on vacation and stopped a day in branson. the last day we were there i had to take a huge dump. i was to scared to flush i knew what was going to happen. i left the maid a very generous tip for not flushing..

luv
12-19-2006, 11:18 AM
There's no excuse to ever have an overflow. If you know what you're doing, you can successfully avoid it everytime. The only possible failure is due to bad execution. I'm experienced in these matters. I've been clogging toilets since Jr. High. I used to be afraid of the situation when it struck, but not anymore. I've got my technique down pat.

By the way, you haven't lived until you've submerged your arm elbow-deep into shitty water.
You really could have left that to the imagination. Really.

klg61
12-19-2006, 11:24 AM
i think i need a break from this thred now...

Oh Snap
12-19-2006, 11:33 AM
Well right now I have rotor rooter at my house. cleaning out the septic. Smells like shit!

Mr. Kotter
12-19-2006, 11:43 AM
cheeeefs just earned a nomination for MVP (poster) of a poop thread of the year.

ROFL

Calcountry
12-19-2006, 11:49 AM
Note: Don't use so much freaking paper next time.

klg61
12-19-2006, 11:49 AM
this has to be the poop of all poop threds...i second the nomination....

Inspector
12-19-2006, 12:31 PM
So...

Was she hot?

That's what we were all waiting to read about. I just knew this would end with some wild sex involving the plunger......

klg61
12-19-2006, 12:36 PM
was the maid hot? i have yet to see a hot hotel/motel maid..

Inspector
12-19-2006, 12:45 PM
was the maid hot? i have yet to see a hot hotel/motel maid..

I have pretty low standards.

It doesn't take much.

cheeeefs
12-19-2006, 12:45 PM
its funny you ask inspector. The friend I mentioned on MSN asked that and I said "she's about 60 I think" and she's asks "does she have teeth?!" To which I respond "If she didn't have teeth I wouldn't be here typing to you, full set of pearly whites :(" There is a thoughtful delay and she comes back with "Maybe they are dentures"

That's why she's my best friend, she always has my best interests in heart. She knows I loves me a gumjob.

Inspector
12-19-2006, 12:56 PM
Is your friend hot?

klg61
12-19-2006, 01:10 PM
this is getting better. gumjob? cant wait to experience my first one..

cheeeefs
12-19-2006, 01:19 PM
Is your friend hot?


I personally think she's pretty damn hot.

http://www.myspace.com/amandajoymckeown

but that might be because she promised me unlimited gumjobs once her teeth finally go. It really gave me a reason to live past 60, can't beat that kind of motivation.

Have to say I'm a big fan of them, when 90 year old women hit on me my brain goes through a check list similar to this

Hmm...
Thin papery skin - minus.
Thinning blue hair - minus, but I can dig it.
Probable constitution problems - not so good.
Gumjob! - definate, undisputable positive!

that's 3 cons, and a pro worth 4. Gumjob wins the day!

cheeeefs
12-19-2006, 01:24 PM
The same maid is in my room again right now!!!

She just opened the door and I instantly pretended I was asleep and she's in the bathroom flushing my damn toilet again! This is ridiculous!

klg61
12-19-2006, 01:25 PM
lmao...gumjob allways wins out.. even though i have yet to experience the gumming motion..

ChiTown
12-19-2006, 01:25 PM
ROFL

Absolutely in stiches... ROFL

One of THE BEST poop stories ever. LMAO.

klg61
12-19-2006, 01:26 PM
yes i had to change my key board,due to from coffee and this thred..

JimNasium
12-19-2006, 01:45 PM
Few things in life are better than a good poop thread. Nicely played.

klg61
12-19-2006, 02:43 PM
first board that i have been on that had such a great poop thred..

Iowanian
12-19-2006, 03:04 PM
Coming to theaters near you 2007.

Mel Gibson's

aPOOcolypto

cheeeefs
12-25-2006, 10:52 AM
That was awesome, one of the best poop stories I've read. You should post that puppy on poopreport.com.

Man, it sucks to be the plunger guy.... It must have gotten pretty ripe in there leaving it all day.

thanks for the suggestion! my story is the top story of the week on poop report and 9th for the month. Hopefully in the next three weeks it can go to the top :)

http://www.poopreport.com/hof/node