View Full Version : Don't ask don't tell - A prank

12-31-2006, 12:40 AM
This was a prank I pulled on my mom a few years back, I finally wrote it down and thought The Planet might get a chuckle out of it. Enjoy!

I was active duty Air Force, nearing three years time in service. After deploying erratically over a two year period I had decided enough was enough and that I was going to get out early. I couldn't just simply sign the paperwork and move on with my life though. This was an opportunity that needed exploiting!

The Objective: Convince my mom via phone that I was getting out by exploiting the “Don’t ask don’t tell” policy. Then put her in a position that when I talked to her next I was upset that she either thought I was gay, or better yet was going to send me to Leavenworth for not collaborating with my story.

The set up: Enlist my friend “WS” to pose as Major Joe Turner from the “Office of Special Investigations”. He would introduce himself and begin a questionnaire designed to help him decide whether or not I was genuine in my claims of the gay or not. For a good two weeks I primed my moms with subtle hints of how unhappy I was, and that I was “researching ways to get out early”.

Here’s the conversation.

Mom: Hello.

WS: Hello, is this the mother of Senior Airman Kenton Stalder?

Mom: Ummm, yes it is.

WS: Ahh good good. This is Major Joe Turner from Office of Special Investigations, how are you doing today?

Mom: umm ahh good. How are you?

WS: I’m fine ma’am, thank you. I’m calling you because your son walked into his First Sergeants office this morning, and is trying to get out of the military via the homosexual don’t ask don’t tell policy. I was hoping that you could answer a few questions for us to help us help your son through this process.

Mom: (pause) uh yeah, I spose I could do that

WS: Thank you, this won’t take long. Is your son a homosexual?

Mom: NO.

WS: Okay, did you ever have reason to wonder about his sexual orientation? Anything out of the ordinary happen in his childhood that you can remember?

Mom: No.

WS: Did he have a closer relationship with his sister than he did with his brother?

Mom: No, I don’t think so anyways. They all kind of rotated alliances through the years.

WS: Okay, given the opportunity would he play with dolls over more traditional male toys such as G.I Joes?

Mom: I don’t think so, I don’t know.

WS: Did he ever get special training to battle a speech impediment?

Mom: Umm nope.

WS: Did he ever dress up in women’s clothing?

Mom: oh umm… umm yeah well he did twice, but it wasn’t like that! It was for special wacky weird days at school!

WS: what kind of “wacky weird days?”

Mom: oh you know, like Wacky Crazy Friday or Dress as the Opposite sex day or something like that

WS: if you say so ma’am. Did spend an excessive amount of time styling in the morning, or picking out/spending money on clothes. Or show an above normal interest in interior design or hair styling?

Mom: no no no and no, he was a normal, (pause) normal young boy.

WS: Okay, I’m sorry ma’am we are almost finished, I don’t mean to upset you. Just one last question okay?

Mom: Okay.

WS: Do you think your son is telling us the truth?

Mom: oh hmm. I don’t know for sure. I mean I don’t think that he’s gay, but I don’t think he’d lie to you about it. I (long pause) I think.. I don’t know

WS: Okay ma’am, thank you for your time. I’d have to request that you don’t contact your son for at least three days while we finish the investigation. We still have many people on his contact list to call and follow up on. Thank you very much for your time and have a nice day

Mom: Thanks, you too.

I admit it’s been a little bit dry up to here, but now is where it gets good. Not even a full second before Mr. Joe Turner hung up was my phone ringing. I was contemplating just letting her stew on it for a bit, but after 12 rings I decided I should probably answer. Now, while reading the next phone conversation keep in mind that my mom is a Special Education teacher who cringes at the word “retard” so some of what she says next is so far out of character that it let me know I had definitely hit the mark. I apologize in advance for the caps, but it’s the best way I can think of to deliver the *tone* of the conversation.

Me: Hello?


Me: (cool playing it) Oh, not much. Just hanging with my friends


Me: Oh… umm, what? How did you find out about that? I just did that this morning.

Mom: I just got off the phone with MAJOR joe SO AND SO and he was asking me if YOU’RE A FAGOT OR NOT!

Me: Oh. What did you tell him mom? What did you tell him?!

Mom: Well, I told him the truth! I don’t think your gay? You’re not gay!

Me: oh (exasperated) Thanks mom. Thanks, that’s just great. Now they won’t believe me and I’m going to prison… I hope you’re happy! You just sent your own son to Leavenworth! Jesus mom

Mom: If you wanted me to lie to a federal agent you should have warned me! I’m not going to lie to a federal agent when I don’t know what is going on!

Me: Well, I figured you’d be smart enough to figure out that if I’m trying to get out by saying I’m gay than you should probably let them know that I’m as queer as folk! It didn’t cross your mind that maybe, just maybe it would help out me out to have you say I was gay? I mean seriously it doesn’t take a rocket scientist.

Mom: …

Me: … (this silence goes on for about a solid minute, it seemed like forever!)

Mom: (under her breath, very frustrated) This has got to be a joke. This has just got to be a joke

Me: Yeah mom, it’s a joke

Mom: YOU BASTARD!! We have got to do this to your Grandma!

And with the last line she really summed up what its like to be in my family. Kill or be killed.

el borracho
12-31-2006, 12:52 AM
Congrats on your early discharge, Kenton.

12-31-2006, 12:54 AM
it was actually a palace chase, I'm still in the guard in Niagara Falls fixing KC135's

Rain Man
12-31-2006, 01:04 AM
I hope she got adjusted to it. Best of luck to you.

12-31-2006, 01:05 AM
Well, there's a minute of my life I'll never get back.

12-31-2006, 01:40 AM
Your mom called you a bastard?

12-31-2006, 07:55 AM
I hope you and your boyfriend are very happy in Niagra Falls.

Nelson Muntz
12-31-2006, 09:00 AM
Well, there's a minute of my life I'll never get back.

My thoughts exactly.

Bob Dole
12-31-2006, 09:02 AM
Does the next chapter contain the funny part?