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BIG_DADDY
01-11-2007, 02:43 PM
New Rule:

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . mowing my lawn.

New Rule:

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule:

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule:

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule:

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:

Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule:

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule:

I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule:

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule:

I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule:

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue:

No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule:

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule:

If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

BigRedChief
01-11-2007, 02:47 PM
sorry its funny buit its not Carlin. It wasn't Carlin back in 2006 either.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

BIG_DADDY
01-11-2007, 02:49 PM
sorry its funny buit its not Carlin. It wasn't Carlin back in 2006 either.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

Oh well, worth a read. The Starbucks part was right on.

Halfcan
01-11-2007, 02:51 PM
Sounds a little like Andy Roony drunk.

Pitt Gorilla
01-11-2007, 02:53 PM
I'm pretty sure this was George Thorogood and Dennis Miller.

Cochise
01-11-2007, 02:58 PM
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual... The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.


LMAO


...because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.

NO kidding.

Count Zarth
01-11-2007, 03:04 PM
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.


This has always pissed me off.

StcChief
01-11-2007, 03:06 PM
[quote]Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days . . mowing my lawn.

If he was a mexican illegal?

siberian khatru
01-11-2007, 03:10 PM
Bill Gates read this at my high school graduation.

BIG_DADDY
01-11-2007, 03:19 PM
Bill Gates read this at my high school graduation.

LMAO

SNR
01-11-2007, 03:42 PM
New Rule: and this one is long overdue:

No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. Umm, it's been a LONG time since I've seen a bathroom attendent anywhere. They're pretty much already a thing of the past.

DMAC
01-11-2007, 03:51 PM
It's Bill Mahr, or however you spell his name.

boogblaster
01-11-2007, 05:03 PM
Carlin was funny as hell on his HBO special this year....

boogblaster
01-11-2007, 05:04 PM
But at times he sounded like a drunken Andy..ha ha

Jenson71
01-11-2007, 05:09 PM
I saw George Carlin earlier this fall, he was amazing hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing, but it was also the first time I'd heard him. He told us there were a bunch of things on the internet, that no, he didn't write or say.

ENDelt260
01-11-2007, 06:22 PM
Umm, it's been a LONG time since I've seen a bathroom attendent anywhere. They're pretty much already a thing of the past.
You just don't get out much.

crazycoffey
01-11-2007, 06:48 PM
this is classic carlin


Rat shit, bat shit, dirty ol' twat
sixty nine ass - holes, tied in a knot.
Hooorrayyyyy Rabbit shit, F*CK!!!

SNR
01-11-2007, 06:50 PM
You just don't get out much.Chief Spirit Animal is out there

Psyko Tek
01-11-2007, 06:57 PM
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

oh hell yes they are scarred for life!!!

think about it

if they score hot, perverted twenty something pussy when they are in their teens,
the little virgin next door ain't gonna cut it