KCJohnny
01-22-2007, 01:37 PM
I didn't author this, my uncle sent it to me, but it's hilarious:
Subject: How it all began (conservatives/liberals)
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of
nomadic hunters & gatherers. They lived on deer in the
mountains during the Summer and would go to the
coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were
the invention of Beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of
humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and
Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning Of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals
to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This
was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative
movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting
learned to live off the conservatives by showing up
for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching
and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as "Girliemen".
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy
and group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting
to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by
the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the
elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.
They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note:most of their women have higher testosterone levels
than their men. Most social workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat
and still provide for their women. Conservatives are
big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and
generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the
production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West
was tamed and created a business of trying to get
"More For Nothing".
This ends today's lesson in world history. It should
be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A
Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be
forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to
more liberals just to tick them off...
Subject: How it all began (conservatives/liberals)
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of
nomadic hunters & gatherers. They lived on deer in the
mountains during the Summer and would go to the
coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were
the invention of Beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of
humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and
Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning Of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals
to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This
was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative
movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting
learned to live off the conservatives by showing up
for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching
and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as "Girliemen".
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy
and group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting
to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by
the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the
elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.
They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note:most of their women have higher testosterone levels
than their men. Most social workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat
and still provide for their women. Conservatives are
big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and
generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
govern the producers and decide what to do with the
production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West
was tamed and created a business of trying to get
"More For Nothing".
This ends today's lesson in world history. It should
be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A
Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be
forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to
more liberals just to tick them off...