View Full Version : Dinner with Clyde

Hammock Parties
01-31-2007, 09:29 PM
The guests had filled the church, splendidly laid out in their best formal wear. The ice sculptures were exquisite, hardened in the November chill back at the reception. The priest was on time, the groom had arrived hours ago, and Rosalyn's hair was as perfect as it ever had been and ever would be.

So why did she feel so uneasy, as if something critical was missing?

Sitting nervously in her bridal chamber minutes before the wedding was due to start, she nervously clutched at her impeccable white dress. It fit, like everything else, so perfectly. And yet she felt as if she would burst if she didn't rip it asunder this very moment and run from the wedding like a cheetah lit aflame.

The man in the gray-green overcoat sat unnoticed at the back of the church hall.

He had entered just minutes ago, inconspicuously as possible as 300-some-odd people milled around, their raucous chatter filling the air with an annoying buzz. He had taken his place behind the last pew against the east wall, and had not moved an inch since, dressed in his gray-green overcoat and sporting a rough, salt-and-pepper beard with dark aviator sunglasses, topped off by a black flat cap.

He was also sitting in a wheelchair.

That's the funny thing about people in wheelchairs. In a large crowd, they seem to go unnoticed, as the man in the gray-green overcoat was today, almost as if they are part of the decor, or a piece of furniture. As the guests took their seats and the priest took his place at the altar, the man in the gray-green overcoat fiddled with his thumbs, still unnoticed.

A knock on the door. It was time.

Rosalyn gathered her train and left the bridal chamber, still as uneasy as she had been 15 minutes ago. But no matter, she was going through with this come hell or high water. She walked through the back hallway, collected her entourage of purple-clad bridesmaids, took her father's arm and swallowed hard as the first strains of Wagner's Bridal Chorus penetrated the musty church air.

The man in the gray-green overcoat watched.

He watched as the guests took their seats. He watched as Rosalyn entered the main hall, looking angelic. He watched as she took her father's arm and strode up the carpet in stride to that blasted music. He watched as she reached the altar and the priest began his ceremony. He watched, silently, unnoticed. He scratched his salt-and-pepper beard. And waited.

Rosalyn could barely hear the priest. Every nerve in her body was on fire with anxious anticipation, waiting for it to be over. Then she could relax. Jim, her husband-to-be-in-about-two-minutes-that-seemed-like-they-were-taking-eternity, looked completely calm and relaxed. Almost as if he didn't care. But, he did care, right? Of course he did, Rosalyn reassured herself. Why else would he be here? "And so," said the Priest," if there is any man here who has reason why these two should not be joined together in holy matrimony, speak now, or forever hold your peace."

The man in the gray-green overcoat, sitting in his wheelchair, slowly wheeled in-between the rows of stuffed pews.

He scratched his salt-and-pepper beard (again), adjusted his dark aviators, tipped his black flat cap and stood up. As he walked toward the altar, his gray-green overcoat swaying behind him in the breeze like a cape, you could hear a pin drop. Everyone was staring at him, mouths agape, as if they were baby birds and he had worms for all of them. He reached the altar and removed his flat cap.

His hair was light brown. Rosalyn gasped.

Slowly, the man in the gray-green overcoat removed his faux salt-and-pepper beard. He removed his faux salt-and-pepper mustache (at least he wouldn't have to scratch it anymore). Finally, he removed his dark aviators, the final piece of his ensemble. Rosayln stared into his gray-green eyes (the same color as his overcoat) and, once again, gasped.

The man in the gray-green overcoat looked at Rosayln.

"CLYDE?" she yelled, still in shock at what had just happened, although she wasn't as anxious as she had been 15 minutes earlier, almost as if she had been waiting for this to happen. Now that it had finally arrived, she felt almost calm, at peace. "Hi, Rosayln," said Clyde, still wearing the gray-green overcoat. "I love you."

John, Rosalyn's father, stood up.

A bearded, barrel-chested man of 60, with a perfectly coiffed shock of gray hair atop his square face, he took one long stride toward the altar and stood face to face, nose to nose, with Clyde, the man in the gray-green overcoat.

"Who," said John, angrily, the hell are YOU?"

Clyde swallowed hard, looked at Rosayln, and said "I'm Clyde. I love your daughter, sir."

"I can see that," replied John, his face now redder than Rosalyn's cheeks. "Why are you here and why did you feel the need to break up this marriage before it even got underway. Do you have any idea how much I paid for those ice sculptures?"

"No, sir," answered Clyde, now nervously fidgeting with his gray-green overcoat, "but as the priest said, speak now or forever hold your peace. So I'm speaking. I love your daughter, and I want to marry her. I couldn't let today pass without saying that."

Rosalyn looked at Jim, who wore an expression as if he had seen a ghost. He hadn't said a word during all of this. Rosalyn knew what she had to do. She looked at Jim, patted him on the shoulder and said "I have to go."

Rosalyn looked at the man in the gray-green overcoat.

"I won't marry you, Clyde, not today," she said. "But I will have dinner with you. Sorry, Jim."

"Now just a second," said John, who's face wasn't quite as red but was still clearly chiseled with anger. "My daughter was getting married today. I don't know who the hell you are, but you promise me one thing - you take good care of her."

"I will," answered Clyde, "I never meant to hurt anyone."

"We're just eating, daddy," said Rosalyn.

The man in the gray-green overcoat picked up his black flat cap and put it back on his light brown head. He looked at Rosalyn, and smiled.

"Come on Clyde," she said. "Take me to dinner."

01-31-2007, 09:32 PM

01-31-2007, 09:34 PM

and i just thought it was just me that didn't get it.

Hammock Parties
01-31-2007, 09:35 PM
The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

01-31-2007, 09:35 PM
February's Dubya-Pee-Eye premium content?


Hammock Parties
01-31-2007, 10:42 PM
5:04 PM - Love!
Current mood: ecstatic
Category: Life

I'm excited to say that Jim asked me to marry him last weekend!!!! The ring fits perfectly and it's gorgeous. Our families are very excited.

He was adorable when he proposed and it was a complete surprise. This was definitely the best birthday I've ever had. Happy 25th birthday to me!!!

01-31-2007, 11:16 PM
I thought there was going to be a joke at the end. Like I got to the end and Clyde told everyone to look under their chairs for pictures of he and the bride in the Cambodian Spider Monkey.

Unfortunately it was just a ghey story.

01-31-2007, 11:18 PM
"We're just eating, daddy," said Rosalyn.

Heh. For a moment, my mind's eye read that sentence like the comma wasn't there

01-31-2007, 11:26 PM