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Guru
02-08-2007, 01:11 AM
Steve Martin has another take on the '72 virgins' that the 9-11 hijackers met in Heaven on the morning of Sept 11, 2001 ..............

# 50 is my favorite. :-)
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SEVENTY-TWO VIRGINS
by STEVE MARTIN
Issue of 2007-01-29
Posted 2007-01-22

Virgin No. 1: Yuck.

Virgin No. 2: Ick.

Virgin No. 3: Ew.

Virgin No. 4: Ow.

Virgin No. 5: Do you like cats? I have fourteen!

Virgin No. 6: Iím Becky. Iíll be legal in two years.

Virgin No. 7: Here, Iíll just pull down your zipper. Oh, sorry!

Virgin No. 8: Can we cuddle first?

Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?

Virgin No. 10: . . . so I see Heath, and he goes, ďLike, what are you doing here?,Ē and I go, ďIím hanginí out,Ē so he goes, ďLike, what?Ē . . .

Virgin No. 11: First youíre going to have to show me an up-to-date health certificate.

Virgin No. 12: Hurry! My parents are due home!

Virgin No. 13: Do you want the regular or the special?

Virgin No. 14: Iím eighty-four. So what?

Virgin No. 15: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Virgin No. 16: Even I know thatís tiny.

Virgin No. 17: ďDo itĒ? Meaning what?

Virgin No. 18: Iím saving myself for Elvis.

Virgin No. 19: Somewhere on my body I have hidden a buffalo nickel.

Virgin No. 20: Donít touch my hair!

Virgin No. 21: I hope youíre not going to sleep with me and then go sleep with seventy-one others.

Virgin No. 22: Do you mind if we listen to Mannheim Steamroller?

Virgin No. 23: Are you O.K. with the dog on the bed?

Virgin No. 24: Would you mind saying, ďCould I see you in my office, Miss Witherspoon?Ē?

Virgin No. 25: Ride me! Ride me, Lucky Buck!

Virgin No. 26: You like your vanilla hot?

Virgin No. 27: Does Ookums like Snookums?

Virgin No. 28: Itís so romantic here, dead.

Virgin No. 29: Well, Iím a virgin, but my hand isnít.

Virgin No. 30: You are in?

Virgin No. 31: Hi, cowboy. I just rode down from Brokeback Mountain.

Virgin No. 32: Iím a virgin because Iím so ugly.

Virgin No. 33: You like-ee?

Virgin No. 34: Iíll betcha you canít get an erection. Go on, impress me. Címon, show me. Show me, big shot.

Virgin No. 35: By the way, here in Heaven ďvirginĒ has a slightly different meaning. It means ďchatty.Ē

Virgin No. 36: Sure, I like you, but as a friend.

Virgin No. 37: No kissing. I save that for my boyfriend.

Virgin No. 38: Iím Zania, from the planet Xeron. My vagina is on my foot.

Virgin No. 39: Itís a lesion, and, no, I donít know what kind.

Virgin No. 40: Iím Jewish. Why do you ask?

Virgin No. 41: Hi, Iím Becky. Oh, whoopsóyou again.

Virgin No. 42: I just love camping! Camping is so great! Can we go camping sometime?

Virgin No. 43: In the spirit of full disclosure, Iím a single mom.

Virgin No. 44: You like my breasts? They were my graduation gift.

Virgin No. 45: When youíre done, you should really check out how cool this ceiling is.

Virgin No. 46: Iím almost there. Just another couple of hours.

Virgin No. 47: Get your own beer, you nitwit.

Virgin No. 48: No, youíve got it wrong. Weíre in the Paradise Casino.

Virgin No. 49: I really enjoyed that. Thank you very much. Gee, itís late.

Virgin No. 50: You make me feel like a real woman. And after this is over Iím going to find one.

Virgin No. 51: What do you mean, ďmove a littleĒ?

Virgin No. 52: Not now, Iím on my BlackBerry.

Virgin No. 53: I love it when you put on your pants and leave.

Virgin No. 54: Weíve been together twenty-four hours now, and, you know, sometimes itís O.K. to say something mildly humorous.

Virgin No. 55: That was terrible. I should have listened to the other virgins.

Virgin No. 56: I think I found it. Is that it? Oh. Is this it? Oh, this must be it. No?

Virgin No. 57: It must be hot in here, because I know itís not me.

Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles.

Virgin No. 59: Did you know that ďvirginĒ is an anagram of Irving?

Virgin No. 60: First ďSpamalot,Ē then sex.

Virgin No. 61: Great! I was hoping for circumcised.

Virgin No. 62: Was that it?

Virgin No. 63: Dang. George Clooney was being reckless on a motorcycle, but instead I got you.

Virgin No. 64: Tonight, I become a woman. But until then you can call me Bob.

Virgin No. 65: Theyíre called ďadult diapers.Ē Why?

Virgin No. 66: We could do it here for free, or on a stage in DŁsseldorf for money.

Virgin No. 67: Iím just Virgin No. 67 to you, right?

Virgin No. 68: Pee-yoo. Are you wearing Aramis?

Virgin No. 69: Condom, please.

Virgin No. 70: When was the last time you took a bath or washed your hair?

Virgin No. 71: Iím not very good at this, but letís start with the Reverse Lotus Blossom.

Virgin No. 72: It was paradise, until you showed up.

noa
02-08-2007, 01:25 AM
That's pretty funny.

I like B.J. Novak's take on 72 virgins (he's Ryan from The Office):

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greg63
02-08-2007, 04:19 AM
...Virgin No. 30: You are in?


Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles...

Those two made me laugh out loud.

StcChief
02-08-2007, 08:25 AM
Virgin No. 43: In the spirit of full disclosure, Iím a single mom.
No surprise.

BigRedChief
02-08-2007, 08:26 AM
Gots to call bs on the author. Sure looks like one of those Andy Rooney/Ted nugent/ Bill Gates kind of things

KcMizzou
02-08-2007, 10:12 AM
Gots to call bs on the author. Sure looks like one of those Andy Rooney/Ted nugent/ Bill Gates kind of things
It's obviously George Carlin.

Everything on the internet is George Carlin.

InChiefsHell
02-08-2007, 10:26 AM
Gots to call bs on the author. Sure looks like one of those Andy Rooney/Ted nugent/ Bill Gates kind of things

My thought exactly, but it was pretty funny.

...it's kinda like in the movie Roxanne with Steve Martin, when he has to come up with like 20 ways to insult the size of his nose...that's probably where the idea that it was Steve Martin came from.

Redrum_69
02-08-2007, 10:33 AM
The favorite of astronauts everywhere:


Virgin No. 65: Theyíre called ďadult diapers.Ē Why?

RJ
02-08-2007, 12:17 PM
Gots to call bs on the author. Sure looks like one of those Andy Rooney/Ted nugent/ Bill Gates kind of things


I thought the same thing, but apparently it really is Steve Martin. I don't know if it's THE Steve Martin, but....


http://www.newyorker.com/shouts/content/articles/070129sh_shouts_martin


By the way, I really hate those chain e-mails you're referring to. I'm always amazed when I receive them from people I know to be perfectly intelligent most of the time yet somehow believe that Andy Rooney went on a racist tirade during a segment of 60 Minutes.

crazycoffey
02-08-2007, 12:21 PM
I thought the same thing, but apparently it really is Steve Martin. I don't know if it's THE Steve Martin, but....


http://www.newyorker.com/shouts/content/articles/070129sh_shouts_martin


By the way, I really hate those chain e-mails you're referring to. I'm always amazed when I receive them from people I know to be perfectly intelligent most of the time yet somehow believe that Andy Rooney went on a racist tirade during a segment of 60 Minutes.





I couldn't find proof for or against it being steve, this is good information.

I usually just use random search tatics or snopes.com for many questionable emails. Then if it's true I may forward it, if it's false I reply to all and paste the results. This has done one thing effectively, cut down on stupid emails, either by education or removal from their email list. Either way, I'm happier.

El Jefe
02-08-2007, 01:01 PM
Pretty funny stuff I like the 30 second youtube clip thats really funny.

FD
02-08-2007, 04:14 PM
Its definitely the real Steve Martin. He writes things like these for the New Yorker from time to time.

Thig Lyfe
02-08-2007, 06:29 PM
Its definitely the real Steve Martin. He writes things like these for the New Yorker from time to time.

Yep. Y'all should check out his book Pure Drivel, a collection of (mostly) New Yorker pieces. Hilarious work.