View Full Version : OT, Non-PC Humor - Top 20 Things to Never Say to a Woman During an Argument

03-21-2001, 06:51 PM
Enough with all this Brunell/Beuerlein/Green crap! Here's something that'll put us all in the doghouse! :D

20. Hey Sybil, get a grip!
19. That argument would make Spock's head explode.
18. You sound just like your mother when you get angry. She's a f#cking b!tch, too.
16. Don't worry about seeing my point - instead try visualizing my f#cking dinner.
15. I wish this damned mute button worked on something OTHER than the TV.
14. I was just wondering what keeps your eyeballs from falling back into your empty f#cking skull?
13. Time to renew that Prozac prescription, eh?
12. You're just upset because your a$$ is getting big.
11. Wait a minute...I get it! What time of the month is it?
10. Why don't you go iron something. After you get me a beer.
9. Are you sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?
8. Sorry, I was just picturing you naked.
7. That reminds me. Next time you go to the store, could you add "giant f#cking cork" to the shopping list?
6. Whoa, time out honey. The game's back on.
5. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of b!tch flakes this morning.
4. Hey, could we do this via e-mail?
3. We're not f#cking. Why are you here?
2. You know, I could really use a bl0wjob right about now.
Who are you kidding? We both know that thing's not loaded!

03-21-2001, 07:08 PM
LOL!!!!!!! #7's a classic!

What works for me: Dear, have you ever seen a rat? Was it fat? 'Cause I don't give a fat rat's a$$!

03-21-2001, 07:15 PM
A friend of mine (female, believe it or not) e-mailed me this today. I tinkered with it a bit and added a few of my own.

I've actually used No. 3 before. Turned an annoying current girlfriend into an ex-girlfriend that I never saw again in the blink of an eye. Which was, of course, the desired effect. :D

Hope the BNC doesn't see this later. I'll be in serious trouble.... :eek:

keg in kc
03-21-2001, 08:04 PM
Some of my personal favorites:

The F#ck series, which always nets me a night on the couch:

1) Just shut the f#ck up.
2) F#ck you.
3) What the f#ck is wrong with you.
4) Go f#ck yourself.

There's the "silent treatment". Sometimes followed by slammed doors and various other flying debris. The dogs don't like that one very much.

Another version of the silent treatment involves rolling the eyes and "pfffttt". Sometimes followed by a simple mumbled "stupid". Very effective.

There's the secret revenge, which involves baiting the dogs into laying on her pillow when she's not looking, or giving them various articles of underwear or socks to gnaw on. Of course I do that when we're not arguing, too. ;)

And, these last two are the normal courses of action:

1) just walk off, completely ignoring her. That one gets me in big trouble.


2) sit there and pretend like I'm listening (just like when we're not arguing ;)). Insert various head-nods and 'uh-huh's to create the illusion that I care about the topic.

I sincerely hope all you gentlemen out there are intelligent enough to look at that list and go "oh god, I'd better not do any of this!"...

03-21-2001, 08:04 PM
#18, "you sound just like your mother". Don't use this one unless you're primed for real battle. I've made that mistake a few times. Doesn't go over well with any woman I've known. Dangerous ground to tread upon.

keg in kc
03-21-2001, 08:09 PM
Actually rjintx, an even worse one is "You sound just like my mother."

Oh, never ever do that one unless you're ready for an all-out war.

03-21-2001, 08:20 PM
Never, ever use the 'c' word. Trust me on this.

Another mistake: when the wife asked why I married her, I replied 'I got tired of paying for sex, so I bought the cow.' Ouch!

We won't discuss the repercussions! :(

03-21-2001, 08:20 PM
While I have no explanation for this, it has been my experience that women hate being told their behavior is like their mother's. I have seen this in nearly every relationship I've had. Conversely, they seem to love being told they are like their fathers. May be just the type of women I've been with, or just plain coincidence.

Telling them they sound like MY mother wouldn't work for me. They all love her. Girlfriends I haven't seen in years still call my mom. Last Xmas, when I called mom, 2 ex-girlfriends and my ex-wife were there. It was kinda creepy. Not good to have that many exes gathered in one place. They could be plotting something. Probably cause I compared them to their mothers.

03-21-2001, 08:42 PM
Never answer to the "am I getting fat" question:

Well sure your putting on some weight... but you're still not as fat as your mother.

Bad, Bad answer. Trust me.

[Edited by Otter on 03-21-2001 at 08:51 PM]

03-21-2001, 08:57 PM
Otter, LMAO!!

Dude, you definitely weren't thinking when that came out.

I was once in a women's clothing store during the holidays and was listening to a guy talking to the sales clerk. He was trying to figure out his wife's dress size. The girl, trying to be helpful, asked how the wife would compare in size to her. The guy says, "Well, she's a pretty big woman but she's nowhere near as big as you." As soon as the words left his mouth he turned 10 shades of red. The girl was a lot less helpful after that.

03-21-2001, 09:05 PM
I once quoted Al Bundy when answering the question "Does this dress make me look fat?"

The answer I gave was: "It's not the dress that makes you look fat, it's the FAT that makes you look fat!"

Over the course of my life I've been in more than a few fights - some I've won, some I've lost. But I was never hit as hard by any guy I went toe-to-toe with as I was by the woman I said that to. She damn near broke my arm.

Frazod's life lesson of the day: Quoting Al Bundy to any woman is NOT a good idea.

The correct answer to that question is "No, darling. It makes you look too thin."

After decades of dating women and working for lawyers, I've learned to lie with the best of them.... :D

Zebedee DuBois
03-21-2001, 09:16 PM
These stories appear to be examples of Drinking and Talking.
D&T doesn't get the publicity of Drinking and Driving, but is just as leathal.

keg in kc
03-21-2001, 09:46 PM
No, Zeb, I'm sorry to admit it, but I'm this stupid sober.

03-21-2001, 09:53 PM
Me too. I was stone sober when I quoted Al. Got drunk later to kill the pain, though. Damn, that hurt.

03-21-2001, 09:54 PM
I once told my ex-wife "I'm glad I wasn't cursed with a female brain." :eek:

She wasn't ex at the time. I'm sure that didn't help. :)

Zebedee DuBois
03-21-2001, 09:55 PM
I've been married awhile. It seems like they train us not to talk to them (through negative reinforcement). Then they complain that we never talk.

03-21-2001, 09:56 PM
Fat? At least you're not as fat as your Mom - YET.

03-21-2001, 09:58 PM
I almost have my girlfriend trained not to talk to me. Guess I'm gonna have to go diamond shopping now. ****, I didn't think it would be possible....

03-21-2001, 10:00 PM
Oh crap. The BNC is reading over my shoulder. HELP!

Better go now.

Yes dear.....

If you haven't heard back from me soon, PLEASE CALL THE AUTHORITIES! :eek:

03-21-2001, 10:56 PM
Mi_Chief referenced the "C" word. Ouch. I believe it is safe to say that the c word in conjunction with a mother comparison and any reference to the female's choices in shoes and/or makeup is a surefire recipe for someone packing their bags. The c word is most definitely off limits but might possibly be forgiven (eventually) on it's own. Combined with other indiscretions, well, just start packing.

Women....can't live with 'em and can't act like a moron and get away with it. Thank God I found a girl (3 years now) who I seldom argue with cause I sure have a knack for saying the worst things at the least opportune moment.

BTW, I consider this a fascinating subject and have gotten lots of laughs from everyone's comments. Funny stuff that I can certainly empathize with.

Also, Keg, I too wish I could use alcohol as an excuse.

Mark M
03-22-2001, 11:02 AM
You know, I've known my wife for over 6 years now (dated for 6 motnhs, friends for four years, engaged/married for 2 1/2 years) and we've only gotten in one drag-out fight.

Don't remember what it was about, all I said was:

"You're a psycho f*cking b!tch ... just like your mom." (FYI, her mom has been institutionalized on and off for most of her life for manic depression.)

You know, I never even saw the Hurricane glass coming at me. Thank god my wife throws like a f*cking girl (that's another thing not to say ... that caused the 2nd Hurricane glass to come my way.)

We laugh about it now ... especially when we bring up the scar from the 2nd glass (chicks dig scars).

~~Knowsórather, learned when to shut the hell up.

[Edited by Mark M on 03-22-2001 at 11:08 AM]

KS Smitty
03-22-2001, 01:02 PM
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned and was
told by the monarch who captured him that he'd have a year to have a question answered, and if he didn't
find an answer, he'd be put to death. The question was:
"What do women want?"

Such a question would challenge even the most
knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an
impossible task. But, he asked everyone. The princesses.
The prostitutes. The priests. Wise men. Even the court
jester. None could give him a satisfactory answer.

The year came to an end. Arthur had but one day, and he'd
been holding off asking one person, the Old Witch, because
he knew her price would be high. But, tomorrow would be the
day he would be put to death, so he had no choice.

She agreed to answer the question, but only if Arthur agreed to her price first. She wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend.

The witch was hunchbacked and awfully hideous. She had
one tooth and smelled like sewage water. She made horrible
and obscene noises -- he'd never come across a more
repugnant creature. He just couldn't ask his friend to bear such a burden as marrying the Old Witch.

But Gawain, upon learning that Arthur would be put to death,
spoke with Arthur and told him no price was to high to spare
Arthur from death. So, Arthur told the Old Witch that Gawain would marry her. She, in turn, gave him the answer. "What women really want is to be able to be in charge of their own life."

Everyone instantly knew that was indeed the correct answer,
but Arthur was torn between relief and anguish as he prepared for the wedding of his best friend to the Old Witch.

On the wedding day the Old Witch put on her worst
manners. She ate with her hands, belched, farted, and made
everyone uncomfortable.

That night Gawain steeled himself for the worst; having to
make love to such a creature. As he opened the bedroom
door . . .

. . . there was the most beautiful woman in the world! Gawain was astounded and asked what happened. The beauty replied that since he'd been so kind to her (when she was a witch) half of the time she'd be her horrible self and half of the time she'd be the beautiful sexy woman she was then. It was up to him to choose if she was to be beautiful during the day or during the night.

What a dilemma. Would he rather show off a beautiful woman
during the day and be repulsed at night or be in the company
of a hideous creature in public but be in the company of an
angel for the intimate hours. What to do.

Well, Gawain replied that she should choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all of the time, because he had respected her and let her be in charge of her own life.

The moral of the story?

It doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly. Smart or dumb.
Underneath it all . . . .

She's still a witch.

03-22-2001, 03:06 PM
I've got one that actually fits this BB:

Right after another Chiefs playoff loss my fiancee asked me if I was ready to go home. I told her I was almost ready. Obviously, because of the game, I wasn't in very good humor. Right then a friend called me to ask me what I thought of my fu***ng QB now. (you know which one) After talking to him for about 15 minutes, and getting in an even worse humor, I hung up and asked her if she was ready to go. She said " I suppose I'm just supposed to jump whenever you say!!" To which I replied (remember the humor) "F*** YOU!! Find your own ride!" Needless to say, neither her, nor her mother or brother were very impressed.

I've found out from this little experience that sometimes you just have to buy flowers...

Another flower time was when I left her in a bar...but I digress.

having a hard time believing she's still with me...

03-22-2001, 03:09 PM
The C word is the ultimate insult to a woman...then comparing here to here Mom is fighting terms.

I can't remember the worst thing I've said to my wife...haven't had to many arguments...if I dare say anything about here Mom...her eyes lite up like X-mas lights.

Told her once she was so skepitcal that she had to look at toilet paper twice to see if it was clean !

Some of the more mellow are ,That does it,your voted off the island..... Is that your Final answer ? The 1 I use most is .well let me sleep on it,I'll give you an answer in the morning!

keg in kc
03-22-2001, 03:32 PM
Extreme Chief, a word of advice:

Don't just give her flowers after you f#ck up - gives them a bad context. Best thing in the world is to give flowers for absolutely no reason whatsoever. No holiday, no birthday, no "i'm sorry", just to surprise her.

(Also gives you a little leeway when you do f#ck up again...)

Lightning Rod
03-22-2001, 03:40 PM
Wife- "Does this make me look fat?"
Rod- "No, it dosen't make you "L-O-O-K" fat."
Wife- "thanks a lot you f**king JERK!"
Rod- "Jeez, who lit the fuse on your Tampon?"

Her name is now ex-wife. Go figure?

03-22-2001, 03:45 PM
The C word has has always worked best for me. It usually should be preceded by stupid or dumb to truely get the desired effect.

KS Smitty
03-22-2001, 03:55 PM
The c word has gotta be the number one four letter word to send her balistic, course she don't appreciate the b word either. And anything that questions her intelligence, especially since I'm such a dumba$$. :D We been together over 20 years (countin dating)and have 2 kids. The "just like your mother" thing doesn't work for me, everyone tells her that and she is proud as hell to be compared to her. (She has reason to be, her mom's alright)

03-22-2001, 04:15 PM

I do send her "non-occasional" flowers from time to time...I have to admit though, the more I f*** up, the larger the flower quantity gets.

wondering why I don't get flowers when she f**** up....oh, thats right...she never f**** up...

keg in kc
03-22-2001, 05:06 PM
Funny how that works, isn't it.

When I'm wrong I'm wrong and when I'm right, well, I'm wrong...

Zebedee DuBois
03-22-2001, 06:44 PM
Me and mine don't argue much anymore.
She know that I am just as entitled to her opinion as she is.

03-22-2001, 11:34 PM
Okay, Homers.

I'm new to this board, but I'm here to kick butt and take names.

First thing I'm gonna do is tell all your wives/girlfriends about this thread.

Then I'm gonna...turn it over to my wife, who really wanted to chat....

I just have to say that all the answers so far have been nearly perfect. It seems that all of you have learned from mistakes, found the correct replies, and assumed your position of humbleness. I will share your replies with as many wives as I can, to let them know that although you say the stupidest things, you can show a willingness to conform, adapt, and repent.

I sign with Chiefs respect,
Head of the household

03-22-2001, 11:40 PM
You don't have to tell mine - she already saw it and promptly beat the hell out of me. It certainly did NOT help that I started it.

yes dear :mad:

03-22-2001, 11:46 PM
Must comment on King Arthur, as well. You are so correct...pretty, ugly, smart, dumb, she's still a witch.

And you'll still "make love" to her.

Mark M
03-23-2001, 07:46 AM
Actually, I copied fraz's original post and sent it to several people, including my wife. She thought it was hysterical! She really liked the Spock one.

BTW, welcome to the planet.

~~Has a very understanding and good-natured wife.

03-23-2001, 09:19 AM
I guess I must be the last MAN standing....My typical Gal has the shelf life of "wonder bread"...after 10 days, there is nothing but heals left or its stale and time for a new loaf....The good ones last about as long as milk...takes 3 weeks to get sour....

When they motor starts knocking and she is making too much racket...If I can't figure out how to fix it without an expensive "overhaul"...I'll trade in for a newer, sleaker model...;) If they need flowers, diamonds, and constant arse kissing...I'm not the man for them.

~doesn't appreciate High maintinence women.
~truth is the last one lasted 2 years, and the current is going on 3 months...must be getting soft. ;)