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Count Alex's Losses
05-30-2007, 10:04 PM
http://chiefs.scout.com/2/647516.html

It’s the offseason. More importantly, it’s May – which means it’s not even June yet and training camp doesn’t start until July.

Oh, sure, we’ve got the Arby’s Chiefs Minicamp on June 2, an oasis in this desert of football dehydration. Other than that, it’s going to be a long two months. You can see why this Trent Green issue has been such a hot topic – there’s nothing else to write about.

Oh, but there is. This time of year is exciting for players and fans (at least the football-starved ones) alike. This is the time of year when players get assigned jersey numbers and Chiefs fans get to see mugshots of the new players on KcChiefs.com for the first time.

Last week the Chiefs updated their roster page with photographs and number assignments for most of the new free agents, rookies and un-drafted free agents. This is exciting stuff!

Any one of these names could be up on the Ring of Fame in 20 years! Any one of these numbers could be retired in 20 years! How can you not get excited about something so trivial that may or may not happen in 20 years? Someone strap me down!

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. In that case, I’m about to short you readers by several thousand words. Sorry.

#47 – TE Michael Allan.

The first thing that jumps out at me here is the number 47. What? Forty-seven? What did Allan do to deserve such a cruel and unusual punishment? Is this some sort of standard hazing for seventh-round draft picks?

Tight ends don’t wear #47! That’s reserved for dumpy fullbacks and cheap-shotting, past their prime AFC West safeties! Unless he changes this awful number, I’m constantly going to think of Allan as a slow player.

The other thing that jumps out is Allan’s photo. It’s a low-quality action shot of Allan streaking down the field after a reception. The Chiefs undoubtedly acquired it from some Whitworth College (Allan’s school) resource. They couldn’t spring for a nice headshot and backdrop of Arrowhead, like the other rookies got? Suffice it to say Allan’s career isn’t getting off to a great start.

#14 – WR Brad Ekwerekwu

Not much to say here – other than the fact that every Missouri Tigers fan with internet access started running around screaming like little girls the first time they saw Ekwerekwu in Chiefs colors.

Every time I see a wide receiver wearing a number in the teens, an angel loses its wings. This is becoming an epidemic around the NFL. Do you know how difficult it was for me to support Samie Parker for two seasons? Number 83 is available – Michael, Brad, someone, please take it. If it was good enough for Danan Hughes, it’s good enough for you.

# 64 – DE Chris Harris

I almost fell out of my chair looking at this guy’s mugshot. Chris Harris appears to hail from the planet Remulak. That’s right – he’s a conehead.

Seriously, go look at this guy’s page on KcChiefs.com. I think he’s going to need a special helmet. Other than the fascinating curvature of his skull, the other thing that strikes me is just how mean Harris looks. Look at that thick neck, that granite jaw, that intense stare. If this guy plays the game the way he poses for photos, the Chiefs have a real diamond in the rough on their hands.

# 90 – DE/DT Claude McBride

Claude? Seriously, is there some issue here? Why haven’t the Chiefs fully embraced their second-round draft pick as “Turk,” yet? I don’t see them going around listing Ty Law as “Tajuan.” This needs to change. No one is scared of a guy named “Claude.” That sounds like someone’s uncle. In fact, the Latin origins of Turk’s given name translate as “Lame.” Come on now. If that’s not incentive enough to make a change, I don’t know what is.

You think that’s bad? Look at the number Turk’s wearing. The Chiefs just got rid of Ryan Sims, but we’re still going to be thinking of him every time McBride is out there on the field. And God forbid he doesn’t pan out. That number will become cursed – if it isn’t already. Since Neil Smith, Terry Wooden, Ronnie Dixon, Steve Martin and Tyrone Williams have worn #90. I think we’ve got sufficient evidence.

# 93 – DT DeMarcus Tyler

Are you kidding me? What is it with this name garbage? “DeMarcus” sounds like a jewelry company. “Tank” sounds like a pocket-collapsing, quarterback-crushing, guard-eating, universe-destroying NFL defensive tackle.

On a good note, “DeMarcus” means “From the God Mars.” Looking at Tyler’s mugshot, his neck certainly appears to be of divine origin. They don’t make necks like Tyler's anymore. His heart must have giraffe-like qualities to pump blood through those carotids. File Tyler’s bio next to Harris’ in the “if looks could kill” category.

#65 – DT Matt McGlothlin

In the grand trandition of Nate Hobgood-Chittick and Joe Phillips, the Chiefs finally have another white defensive tackle on their roster. You might think white running backs are the NFL’s most under-represented ethnic position group, but when was the last time a white defensive tackle made the Pro Bowl? If you count San Francisco’s Pierce Holt (“Who?” was also my immediate reaction) in 1992, a long damn time.

But he’s not just white. McGlothlin looks like Mr. Clean, is a bowling ball of a defensive lineman at 5-foot-11 and hails from rugged-sounding Pounding Mill, Virginia. If you were looking for a lunchpail, blue-collar Chief to root for, you’ve found him.

#65 – OT Herb Taylor

What?! Another #65? Doesn’t this violate the laws of space-time? This doesn’t bode well for The Bowling Ball from Pounding Mill. Number aside (let’s hope no one mistakes him for Jordan Black), you’ve got to like anyone named Herb (“bright army”), but it’s Taylor’s mugshot that really stood out to me.

Maybe it’s the glasses, the chubby cheeks, but Herb has already won the “2007 Chief most likely to wear a pocket protector” award. I’m guessing he’s the team Dungeon Master for those late-Friday night sessions of D&D.

blueballs
05-30-2007, 10:51 PM
adds up to 438
divided by 7=62.57
Wiegmann.Nick Reid

Deberg_1990
05-30-2007, 10:55 PM
Filler...

Mile High Mania
05-30-2007, 11:28 PM
"...there’s nothing else to write about."

Yet, you forcefully tried your best to put words together. Seriously, that lead in needs to be "tanked".

"... an oasis in this desert of football dehydration." Wow, just reaching for something clever.

"...More importantly, it’s May – which means it’s not even June yet ..." Seriously dude.

Back to back paragraphs with "Oh, ... "

I'm really not trying to be an ass and while I do have fun giving you grief... this just didn't need to be published.

Phobia
05-30-2007, 11:51 PM
Garbage. I couldn't get through it. Nick should have written that one. He'd have done a better job.

Mile High Mania
05-30-2007, 11:53 PM
Garbage. I couldn't get through it. Nick should have written that one. He'd have done a better job.

C'mon, it's obviously just me... according to my neg rep, I just don't get his humor and I'm not his target audience.
:deevee:

Count Alex's Losses
05-30-2007, 11:55 PM
C'mon, it's obviously just me... according to my neg rep, I just don't get his humor and I'm not his target audience.
:deevee:

What a little bitch you are.

Phobia
05-31-2007, 12:00 AM
Dude, most of the time you have a point. Don't just write something to fill a quota. Have a point. This was by far your worst article. I was hoping it was Nick's.

Mile High Mania
05-31-2007, 12:00 AM
It's ok, don't worry... things will pick up as May becomes June. Tomorrow will be a new day... because it's not today until it's tomorrow and then much like May becomes June, tomorrow will be today... and almost June.

Or something... enjoy, I'm out.

"Mr. Wendell, what you've just typed is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent article was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this forum is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

Count Alex's Losses
05-31-2007, 12:02 AM
Dude, most of the time you have a point. Don't just write something to fill a quota. Have a point. This was by far your worst article. I was hoping it was Nick's.

I'm guessing you just don't like sportswriting humor that much...that's OK. It wasn't intended as a serious article. I wasn't looking to make a point. Not everything has to be groundbreaking and opinionated.

I know some people were entertained.

Mile High Mania
05-31-2007, 12:04 AM
I'm guessing you just don't like sportswriting humor that much...

I do and if you find something, post it.

Later.

Count Alex's Losses
05-31-2007, 12:06 AM
I do and if you find something, post it.

Later.

Haha. Whatever. You'll criticise anything and everything I ever do. You little whiny bitch.

Mile High Mania
05-31-2007, 12:09 AM
Haha. Whatever. You'll criticise anything and everything I ever do. You little whiny bitch.

Well, that's what happens when you drag a lot of trash through the place... you need to expand your insult reference book as well.

Count Alex's Losses
05-31-2007, 12:10 AM
You're so full of shit.

LATER!

Direckshun
05-31-2007, 12:13 AM
you need to expand your insult reference book as well.
That's true. This is where I can help.

Things you can call MHM in the future:

bestial embarassment
premium phaggotry
grandmother elbow wrinkles
mooseknuckle mouth
anal discharge fart bubble

Phobia
05-31-2007, 12:17 AM
Haha. Whatever. You'll criticise anything and everything I ever do. You little whiny bitch.

Then how do you explain my disdain for this article - the dude who supported your efforts when most others wouldn't. I don't like humor? Bah - that won't wash. This wasn't humorous, informative, or anything approaching readable. I'm sure you'll recover in your next attempt.

Sure-Oz
05-31-2007, 12:18 AM
wow

Count Alex's Losses
05-31-2007, 12:18 AM
Then how do you explain my disdain for this article - the dude who supported your efforts when most others wouldn't. I don't like humor? Bah - that won't wash. This wasn't humorous, informative, or anything approaching readable. I'm sure you'll recover in your next attempt.

You're just weird.

Plenty of other people liked it. I can't please everyone.

Phobia
05-31-2007, 12:22 AM
You're just weird.

Plenty of other people liked it. I can't please everyone.

I am certainly weird but my tastes are a little more mainstream than the average guy. If I like it, usually your largest demographic will as well.

bringbackmarty
05-31-2007, 01:07 AM
That's true. This is where I can help.

Things you can call MHM in the future:

bestial embarassment
premium phaggotry
grandmother elbow wrinkles
mooseknuckle mouth
anal discharge fart bubble
phaggotry
I thought for sure it was spelled pillowbiterry. but maybe it's Rump Rangergitry. I don't know..... methinks itsfagitry...

bringbackmarty
05-31-2007, 01:09 AM
shit I'll p.m. you with the correct spelling.

bringbackmarty
05-31-2007, 01:10 AM
I'm guessing you just don't like sportswriting humor that much...that's OK. It wasn't intended as a serious article. I wasn't looking to make a point. Not everything has to be groundbreaking and opinionated.

I know some people were entertained.
I'm more entertained by the obscenity filter apparently. It lets me say shit, but not faggitry.

Vegas_Dave
05-31-2007, 01:55 AM
wow that was the most idiotic piece of off-season writing that I have ever had the shame of reading.

Phobia
05-31-2007, 02:01 AM
I'm more entertained by the obscenity filter apparently. It lets me say shit, but not Rump Rangergitry.

Thank you. I (used to) aim to please.

Count Alex's Losses
05-31-2007, 02:16 AM
wow that was the most idiotic piece of off-season writing that I have ever had the shame of reading.

I know you liked the Coneheads reference.

Virtua Chief
05-31-2007, 03:01 AM
I chucked at the coneheads ref, but the "what did he he do to deserve 47?" and "another 65?!?" stuff was somewhat pisspoor. Not your best work and I like your stuff. You could did something funny about Trent Green and Daunte Culpepper a la The Odd Couple.

Count Alex's Losses
05-31-2007, 03:10 AM
You could did something funny about Trent Green and Daunte Culpepper a la The Odd Couple.

What do Trent Green and Daunte Culpepper have to do with new faces on the Chiefs' roster?

Virtua Chief
05-31-2007, 03:17 AM
Nothing. You did an article about new faces on the chiefs and didn't bring up anything football related like on-field work or depth charts. Just numbers and names. Literally.

Otter
05-31-2007, 03:21 AM
I am certainly weird but my tastes are a little more mainstream than the average guy.

:hmmm:

Count Alex's Losses
05-31-2007, 03:21 AM
Nothing. You did an article about new faces on the chiefs and didn't bring up anything football related like on-field work or depth charts. Just numbers and names. Literally.

Yeah. It wasn't INTENDED to be a serious article. Sitting here and speculating about crap in May would be boring. If you can't sit here and laugh about the way some of these guys look, maybe you need to lighten up a bit.

Virtua Chief
05-31-2007, 03:26 AM
Yeah. It wasn't INTENDED to be a serious article. Sitting here and speculating about crap in May would be boring. If you can't sit here and laugh about the way some of these guys look, maybe you need to lighten up a bit.

Easy tiger. I just didn't think it was all that funny. Except for the conehead part, because he really does have a conehead.

CoMoChief
05-31-2007, 03:37 AM
Man that was a shitty read.

Mile High Mania
05-31-2007, 10:58 AM
Well, it's good to see that Phobia and I aren't the only ones to think this was a failed bit.

Sure-Oz
05-31-2007, 11:07 AM
It wasn't funny

Donger
05-31-2007, 11:10 AM
Are you schizophrenic?

Redrum_69
05-31-2007, 11:11 AM
Good to see another great article that covers the realm of desperation.

crazycoffey
05-31-2007, 11:15 AM
You're just weird.

Plenty of other people liked it. I can't please everyone.


You can't use the Starwars cutouts and the fathead posters around your room to count as "plenty of other people".

Delano
05-31-2007, 11:24 AM
The section about Tank looks to be ripped off from Gaz and TinyEvel. Those adjectives describing Tyler are straight from a Gaz post. A neck of divine origin? Come on, Tiny was just going off on necks a few days ago.

Redrum_69
05-31-2007, 11:26 AM
The section about Tank looks to be ripped off from Gaz and TinyEvel. Those adjectives describing Tyler are straight from a Gaz post. A neck of divine origin? Come on, Tiny was just going off on necks a few days ago.



Its a KNOWN FACT that GoCHiefs calls forth the plagerism demons to do his bidding.

htismaqe
05-31-2007, 11:29 AM
Sorry GoChiefs but this one is sad.

Your articles at WPI, by and large, sounded mature and thoughtful.

This article reminds me of a 15-year old laughing at pictures in the Yearbook. It reminds me of Chiefsplanet GoChiefs during the meatpeeker era...

Delano
05-31-2007, 11:30 AM
Its a KNOWN FACT that GoCHiefs calls forth the plagerism demons to do his bidding.

I wouldn't go that far, but he does get most of his starter material here. Most of his research seems to be his own, but the big ideas seem to spin-off from the Planet.

Phobia
05-31-2007, 12:05 PM
Sorry GoChiefs but this one is sad.

Your articles at WPI, by and large, sounded mature and thoughtful.

This article reminds me of a 15-year old laughing at pictures in the Yearbook. It reminds me of Chiefsplanet GoChiefs during the meatpeeker era...

Truth.

Phobia
05-31-2007, 12:06 PM
I wouldn't go that far, but he does get most of his starter material here. Most of his research seems to be his own, but the big ideas seem to spin-off from the Planet.

Even if true, there's not a thing wrong with it. Lots of people look to various sources for their inspiration. Why wouldn't he use the Planet since it ties into his subject and he spends a lot of time here?

Count Alex's Losses
05-31-2007, 07:09 PM
I wouldn't go that far, but he does get most of his starter material here. Most of his research seems to be his own, but the big ideas seem to spin-off from the Planet.

Uh, no. No.

The section about Tank looks to be ripped off from Gaz and TinyEvel. Those adjectives describing Tyler are straight from a Gaz post. A neck of divine origin? Come on, Tiny was just going off on necks a few days ago.

Are you kidding me? A few people were talking about how huge Tank Tyler's neck is and now I get raked over the coals for talking about it? Are you saying Gaz and TinyEvel have rights to jokes about Tank Tyler's neck?

If I stole a joke from someone that's one thing, but I didn't. Go **** yourself.

EDIT: Gaz hasn't even posted about Tank Tyler. Moron.

Mile High Mania
05-31-2007, 07:11 PM
Go **** yourself.

Such an angry, bitter man.. you should ask Rain Man for writing tips.

Delano
05-31-2007, 07:22 PM
EDIT: Gaz hasn't even posted about Tank Tyler. Moron.

No shit, he hasn't been active in a while. This doesn't sound like Gaz's dream Defensive tackle? Right here:

“Tank” sounds like a pocket-collapsing, quarterback-crushing, guard-eating, universe-destroying NFL defensive tackle.

**** off tool, that reads exactly like some of Gaz's tequila-rose stained posts

These articles about players' appearance is exactly the kind of writing that is just up your alley. Meatpeeker.

Count Alex's Losses
05-31-2007, 07:27 PM
**** off tool, that reads exactly like some of Gaz's tequila-rose stained posts


Oh, I see. So I didn't rip one of Gaz's posts off. I just SOUNDS like Gaz. ROFL

Well hell, if SOUNDING like someone else is a crime, I'm guilty. Guilty of something COMPLETELY INCONSEQUENTIAL.