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FAX
06-07-2007, 04:08 PM
Notwithstanding the fact that the world is plagued by innumerable and very serious concerns including the spread of terrorism, illegal immigration, nuclear proliferation, the demise of public civility, and the heartbreak of excessive vaginal odor, I've been wrestling with the issues associated with animal afterlife. It is my sincere belief that, if these questions have an answer, they will most assuredly be found on ChiefsPlanet, so here goes.

Do dogs, cats, aphids, cows, and other animals experience an afterlife? If so, does each species have its own heaven or do they share? How does an animal get to go to heaven? Is it through good behavior? If there's an animal heaven, is there also an animal hell? Do those horrid Giant Toads go there?

Or, do animals go to the same heaven we go to so we are reunited with our furry friends there? Assuming that they are martyred, do Islamic dogs get virgin dogs when they arrive? Did Jesus own a pet? If there is such a thing as reincarnation, do we get to pick the animal we return as? What about dolphins? Do they have souls? Is their heaven full of water?

I know that many Planeteers are animal lovers and have, no doubt, given this subject significant thought and I appreciate your comments and advice on this matter.

FAX

Disclaimers: Sorry if repost.

88TG88
06-07-2007, 04:13 PM
Do dogs, cats, aphids, cows, and other animals experience an afterlife?
Nope, no soul.

Delano
06-07-2007, 04:14 PM
I once read the ass that walked in to Jerusalem with Jesus on it's back was immaculately conceived.

Baby Lee
06-07-2007, 04:31 PM
"Heaven" has different Signs—to me—
Sometimes, I think that Noon
Is but a symbol of the Place—
And when again, at Dawn,

A mighty look runs round the World
And settles in the Hills—
An Awe if it should be like that
Upon the Ignorance steals—

The Orchard, when the Sun is on—
The Triumph of the Opossums
When they together Victory make—
Some Carnivals of Clouds—

The Rapture of a finished Day—
Returning to the West—
All these—remind us of the place
That Men call "paradise"—

Itself be fairer—we suppose—
But how Opossums, shall be
Adorned, for a Superior Grace—
Not yet, their eyes can see—

FAX
06-07-2007, 04:39 PM
I once read the ass that walked in to Jerusalem with Jesus on it's back was immaculately conceived.

I seem to recall reading a recent news report about an shark that gave birth with no male involvement, Mr. Delano. They said that the baby shark's DNA was analyzed and no trace of a male was found. So the poor baby shark had no daddy.

It's a phenomenon called parthenogenesis or asexual reproduction and it's pretty rare in complex animals and/or live birth situations, but I guess it's possible in donkeys, or humans too, for that matter.

So, if an animal can be immaculately conceived, can we suppose it can go to heaven too?

FAX

Mr Luzcious
06-07-2007, 04:59 PM
I seem to recall reading a recent news report about an shark that gave birth with no male involvement, Mr. Delano. They said that the baby shark's DNA was analyzed and no trace of a male was found. So the poor baby shark had no daddy.

It's a phenomenon called parthenogenesis or asexual reproduction and it's pretty rare in complex animals and/or live birth situations, but I guess it's possible in donkeys, or humans too, for that matter.

So, if an animal can be immaculately conceived, can we suppose it can go to heaven too?

FAX

Exactly, in order to get to heaven you have to be immaculately conceived. Everyone else is screwed.

Bob Dole
06-07-2007, 05:04 PM
Jesus (or Josh, as his friends called him), indeed had a pet elephant. After heading east and meeting Balthasar, Gaspar and Melchior--who taught Jesus about Buddhism, Hinduism and yoga--Jesus even went so far as to teach yoga to his pet.

Delano
06-07-2007, 05:08 PM
All animals go to heaven save for snakes (who eat dirt and move about on their bellies).

Mr Luzcious
06-07-2007, 05:09 PM
Haven't you heard that all dogs go to heaven?

Rain Man
06-07-2007, 05:37 PM
Do dogs, cats, aphids, cows, and other animals experience an afterlife?

Most definitely. See below.

If so, does each species have its own heaven or do they share?

They don't share heavens, but they share afterlifes. For example, lion heaven also serves as antelope hell. Antelope heaven also serves as lion hell. Cow heaven is grass hell, etc. It's a pretty efficient system.

How does an animal get to go to heaven? Is it through good behavior?

Since animals don't have formal churches, they don't have to go through the formalities of baptism, paying off the pope, etc., so they go through an expedited process. Essentially, all creatures have ten commandments they have to obey, but those commandments differ by creature according to their environment and mental capacity. For example, the ten commandments for hawks are:

1. Thou shalt kill prey by the swiftest and most humane means possible.
2. Thou shalt not defecate on other creatures when other locations are possible.
3. Thou shalt not eat other hawks.
4. Thou shalt not destroy the nests of other birds.
5. Thou shalt not screech between the hours of midnight and 6 a.m.
6. Thou shalt not scratch the hell out of people tagging you if those people are conservationists who are helping preserve your species.
7. Thou shalt not push the eggs of other birds out of their nests and replace them with your own eggs.
8. When regurgitating prey, thou shalt not keep all of the tasty parts in your stomach and only regurgitate out the intestines.
9. Honor thy father and mother.
10. Thou shalt not covet the plumage of other bird species.

If there's an animal heaven, is there also an animal hell? Do those horrid Giant Toads go there?

There is an animal hell if they break their commandments. Toads have their own version of heaven, which doubles as FAX hell.

Or, do animals go to the same heaven we go to so we are reunited with our furry friends there?

See above. Our own heaven includes robotic Japanese recreations of our pets, and the real pets go to their own heaven where robotic Japanese recreations of us pet them and feed them and let them sit on our laps.

Assuming that they are martyred, do Islamic dogs get virgin dogs when they arrive?

Dogs aren't Islamic. Dogs have common sense.

(I couldn't think of a good Mutthammad joke.)


Did Jesus own a pet?

No, but you should see his dad's terrarium and aquarium.

If there is such a thing as reincarnation, do we get to pick the animal we return as?

No picking. It's all scored on a points system.

What about dolphins? Do they have souls? Is their heaven full of water?

Dolphin heaven is tuna fisherman hell. Tuna fisherman heaven is dolphin hell.

FAX
06-07-2007, 05:58 PM
Jesus (or Josh, as his friends called him), indeed had a pet elephant. After heading east and meeting Balthasar, Gaspar and Melchior--who taught Jesus about Buddhism, Hinduism and yoga--Jesus even went so far as to teach yoga to his pet.

Interesting, Mr. Bob Dole. Ironically, it was during a visit to the Vatican Secret Archives that my uncle once caught a glimpse of the Gospel of Jumbo which, reportedly, reveals the significance of baptizing by trunk spray.

Apparently, it's somewhat more messy than the immersion method and isn't really considered a purification, but many of the early Christians would pay good money to see one.

FAX