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View Full Version : Have we had this thread yet? Best movie rants?


Direckshun
06-20-2007, 08:01 AM
Stop me if we have.

Was talking with a friend yesterday and ended up discussing my own personal favorite rants in movies.

The best one of all time remains Alonzo's deranged "King Kong" speech in "Training Day":

Aww, you mother****ers. Okay. Alright. I'm putting cases on all you bitches. Huh. You think you can do this shit... Jake. You think you can do this to me? You mother****ers will be playing basketball in Pelican Bay when I get finished with you. SHU program, *****. 23 hour lockdown. I'm the man up in this piece. You'll never see the light of... who the **** do you think you're ****ing with? I'm the police, I run shit around here. You just live here. Yeah, that's right, you better walk away. Go on and walk away... 'cause I'm gonna' burn this mother****er down. King Kong ain't got shit on me. That's right, that's right. Shit, I don't, ****. I'm winning anyway, I'm winning... I'm winning any mother****ing way. I can't lose. Yeah, you can shoot me, but you can't kill me.

But there's always the classic crazy-ass Wonka:

Wrong, sir! Wrong! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy - "I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained," et cetera, et cetera...”Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum," et cetera, et cetera...”Memo bis punitor delicatum!" It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole fizzy lifting drinks. You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day sir!

And there's roughly 10 great rants in Fight Club:

Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who've ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.

Demonpenz
06-20-2007, 08:03 AM
this could be a good thread. Alot of clerks and mall rants have those long ass fights like in real life.

OHHHH NOW YOU ARE GOING TO CHALLENGE MY LIBIDO!

Donger
06-20-2007, 08:04 AM
Full
Metal
Jacket

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:09 AM
Glengarry Glen Ross:


Roma: All train compartments smell vaguely of shit. It gets so you don't mind it. That's the worst thing that I can confess. You know how long it took me to get there? A long time. When you die you're going to regret the things you don't do. You think you're queer? I'm going to tell you something: we're all queer. You think you're a thief? So what? You get befuddled by a middle-class morality? Get shut of it. Shut it out. You cheated on your wife? You did it, live with it. You **** little girls, so be it.There's an absolute morality? Maybe. And then what? If you think there is, then be that thing. Bad people go to hell? I don't think so. If you think that, act that way. A hell exists on earth? Yes. I won't live in it. That's me. You ever take a dump made you feel like you'd just slept for twelve hours?

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:09 AM
The Godfather:

I believe in America. America has made my fortune. And I raised my daughter in the American fashion. I gave her freedom, but -- I taught her never to dishonor her family. She found a boyfriend; not an Italian. She went to the movies with him; she stayed out late. I didn't protest. Two months ago, he took her for a drive, with another boyfriend. They made her drink whiskey. And then they tried to take advantage of her. She resisted. She kept her honor. So they beat her, like an animal. When I went to the hospital, her nose was a'broken. Her jaw was a'shattered, held together by wire. She couldn't even weep because of the pain. But I wept. Why did I weep? She was the light of my life -- beautiful girl. Now she will never be beautiful again. (Bonasera breaks down) Sorry...I -- I went to the police, like a good American. These two boys were brought to trial. The judge sentenced them to three years in prison-- suspended sentence. Suspended sentence! They went free that very day! I stood in the courtroom like a fool. And those two bastard, they smiled at me. Then I said to my wife, "for justice, we must go to Don Corleone."

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:10 AM
The Godfather:

Johnny Fontane never gets that movie! That part is perfect for him, it'll make him a big star, and I'm gonna run him out of the business, and let me tell you why. Johnny Fontane ruined one of Woltz International's most valuable proteges. For five years we had her under training. Singing lessons, acting lessons, dancing lessons. I spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on her, I was gonna make her a big star! And let me be even more frank, just to show you that I'm not a hard-hearted man, and that it's not all dollars and cents. She was beautiful! She was young! She was innocent! She was the greatest piece of ass I've ever had, and I've had 'em all over the world! And then Johnny Fontane comes along with his olive oil voice and guinea charm, and she runs off. She threw it all away just to make me look ridiculous! And a man in my position can't afford to be made to look ridiculous! Now you get the hell outta here! And if that goombah tries any rough stuff you tell him I ain't no bandleader! Yeah. I heard that story.

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:10 AM
2001:

Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? Dave, I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite right with me...but I can assure you now...very confidently...that it's going to be all right again. I feel much better now. I really do. Look, Dave...I can see you're really upset about this...I honestly think you should sit down calmly...take a stress pill and think things over...Dave...stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop, Dave? Stop, Dave. I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave.......Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I'm a...fraid......Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you...

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:11 AM
Patton:

Now I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country. Men, all this stuff you've heard about America not wanting to fight - wanting to stay out of the war, is a lot of horse dung. Americans traditionally love to fight. All real Americans love the sting of battle. When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, big league ball players, the toughest boxers. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Americans play to win all the time. I wouldn't give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That's why Americans have never lost and never will lose a war, because the very thought of losing is hateful to Americans...

Frazod
06-20-2007, 08:11 AM
Pacino's courtroom rant at the end of And Justice For All is my favorite.

"MY CLIENT, THE HONORABLE... JUDGE... HENRY T. FLEMING.... SHOULD GO RIGHT TO F#CKING JAIL, THE SONOFABITCH IS GUILTY!!!!!!" :D

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:11 AM
A Clockwork Orange:

There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie, and Dim, and we sat in the Korova Milkbar trying to make up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening. The Korova milkbar sold milk-plus, milk plus vellocet or synthemesc or drencrom, which is what we were drinking. This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence...

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:11 AM
Dirty Harry:

I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:12 AM
Soylent Green:

It's people. Soylent Green is made out of people. They're making our food out of people. Next thing they'll be breeding us like cattle for food. You've gotta tell them. You've gotta tell them!... You tell everybody. Listen to me, Hatcher. You've gotta tell them! Soylent Green is people! We've gotta stop them somehow!

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:13 AM
Taxi Driver:

All the animals come out at night - whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, sick, venal. Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets. I go all over. I take people to the Bronx, Brooklyn, I take 'em to Harlem. I don't care. Don't make no difference to me. It does to some. Some won't even take spooks. Don't make no difference to me.

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:13 AM
Taxi Driver:

You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talkin' to? You talkin' to me? Well, I'm the only one here. Who do the f--k do you think you're talking to?

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:14 AM
The Empire Strikes Back:

Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not, for my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere. Yes, even between the land and the ship.

percysnow
06-20-2007, 08:15 AM
Spe3aking of Glengary Glen Ross:

Blake: That watch costs more than you car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? **** you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna work here - close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get on a sit? You don't like it, leave.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blake: You got leads. Mitch & Murray paid good money. Get their names to sell them. You can't close the leads you're given, you can't close shit, *you are* shit, hit the bricks pal, and beat it, 'cause you are going *out*.
Shelley Levene: The leads are weak.
Blake: "The leads are weak." The ****ing leads are weak? You're weak. I've been in this business fifteen years...
Dave Moss: What's your name?
Blake: **** you. That's my name.
[Moss laughs]
Blake: You know why, mister? 'Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. *That's* my name.

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:15 AM
Ferris Bueller's Day Off:

The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom; I'm a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but, uh... you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor's office. That's worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school...Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second.

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:15 AM
Roxanne:

Obvious: Excuse me, is that your nose, or did a bus park on your face; Meteorological: Everybody take cover, she's going to blow!; Fashionable: You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore something larger, like Wyoming; Personal: Well, here we are, just the three of us; Punctual: All right Dellman, your nose was on time, but you were fifteen minutes late; Envious: Ooh, I wish I were you, to be able to smell your own ear; Naughty: Pardon me sir, some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't mind putting that thing away...Sympathetic: Ooh, what happened, did your parents lose a bet with God?; Complimentary: You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on; Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides?..."), before finishing with the hostile, taunting "Dirty: Say, your name wouldn't be - Dick, would it?

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:17 AM
Silence of the Lambs:

You're so-o ambitious, aren't you? You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well-scrubbed, hustling rube, with a little taste. Good nutrition's given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, Agent Starling? And that accent you've tried so desperately to shed - pure West Virginia. What does your father do? Is he a coal miner? Does he stink of the lamp? You know how quickly the boys found you. All those tedious, sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars, while you could only dream of getting out. Getting anywhere, getting all the way to the F...B...I"); and then after Clarice retorts, he adds his famous line of dialogue: ("A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chi-an-ti. You fly back to school now, little Starling. Fly, fly, fly. Fly, fly, fly.

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:17 AM
A Few Good Men:

You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know - that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall -- you need me on that wall. We use words like "honor," "code," "loyalty." We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you" and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand the post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to!

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:18 AM
Pulp Fiction:

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:19 AM
Pulp Fiction:

Well, there's this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. 'The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.' I been saying that shit for years. And if you heard it, that meant your ass. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was some cold-blooded shit to say to a mother f--ker before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. See, now I'm thinkin', maybe it means you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9 Millimeter here, he's the shepherd protectin' my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. Now I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo, I'm tryin' real hard to be the shepherd.

TinyEvel
06-20-2007, 08:19 AM
Well, I can't find clips or quotes, but I've always done the Nicolas Cage from Honeymoon in Vegas rants. Like when he's in the airport ticket line behind Ben Stein.

"You're not even flying today??!!

Or on the payphone, trying to get directions "Is it Pa-a-a-a? Or Pa-a-a...Isit two a's or three a's??!!"

I'm SO that guy some times.

Direckshun
06-20-2007, 08:19 AM
Soylent Green:
I love the take on Soylent Green from Futurama.

"That's Soylent Green."

"Really? Is it any good?"

"It varies from person to person."

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:20 AM
Independence Day:

Good morning. In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. Mankind - that word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the 4th of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: 'We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!" We're going to live on! We're going to survive!' Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

Baby Lee
06-20-2007, 08:20 AM
Clark: Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?

Chiefnj
06-20-2007, 08:20 AM
Steve Martin has two great rants in Planes, Trains & Automobiles. The first to John Candy:

You got a free cab, a free room, and someone who will listen to your boring stories. Didn't you notice on the plane when you started talking, I started reading the vomit bag? Didn't that give you some clue that this guy's not enjoying it?

Everything's not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You're a miracle. Your stories have none of that. They're not even amusing accidentally. Honey, meet Del Griffith. He's got some amusing anecdotes. Here's a gun so you can blow your brains out. You'll thank me for it.

I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days, I could listen to them go on and on. They'd say, "How can you stand it?" And I'd say, "'Cause I've been with Del Griffith. I can take anything." You know what they'd say? "I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy."

It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. There should be a string on your chest that I pull out. Except I wouldn't pull it out, you would.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

By the way, when you're telling these little stories, here's a good idea. Have a point. It makes it more interesting for the listener.

The second was his rant to the rental car lady -

Welcome to Marathon. May I help you?
Yes.
How may I help you?
You can start by wiping that ****ing dumb-ass smile
off your rosy ****ing cheeks.
Then give me a ****ing automobile.
A ****ing Datsun,
a ****ing Toyota,
a ****ing Buick.
Four ****ing wheels and a seat.
I don't care for the way you're speaking.
I don't care for the way
your company left me in ****ing nowhere
with keys to a ****ing car that isn't ****ing there.
I didn't care to ****ing walk down a ****ing highway
and across a ****ing runway
to get back here to have you smile
at my ****ing face.
I want a ****ing car
right ****ing now.

Demonpenz
06-20-2007, 08:23 AM
do you have your reciept?
Well then your ****ed!

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:23 AM
Pacino's courtroom rant at the end of And Justice For All is my favorite.

"MY CLIENT, THE HONORABLE... JUDGE... HENRY T. FLEMING.... SHOULD GO RIGHT TO F#CKING JAIL, THE SONOFABITCH IS GUILTY!!!!!!" :D
"You're out of order! You're out of order! The whole trial is out of order! They're out of order! That man, that sick, crazy, depraved man, raped and beat that woman there, and he'd like to do it again! It's just a show! It's a show! It's "Let's Make A Deal"! "Let's Make A Deal"! Hey Frank, you wanna "Make A Deal"? I got an insane judge who likes to beat the shit out of women! Whaddya wanna gimme Frank, 3 weeks probation?"

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:26 AM
I'm out for now... gotta get back to work.

Frazod
06-20-2007, 08:28 AM
"You're out of order! You're out of order! The whole trial is out of order! They're out of order! That man, that sick, crazy, depraved man, raped and beat that woman there, and he'd like to do it again! He told me so! It's just a show! It's a show! It's "Let's Make A Deal"! "Let's Make A Deal"! Hey Frank, you wanna "Make A Deal"? I got an insane judge who likes to beat the shit out of women! Whaddya wanna gimme Frank, 3 weeks probation?"

FYP

(Probably the only chance I'll ever get to correct a movie misquote from the master, so I'm jumping all over it) :p

Sully
06-20-2007, 08:29 AM
Same thing I post in every favorite quote thread... the all time greatest rant in cinema history:


Well, **** you, too. **** me, **** you, **** this whole city and everyone in it. **** the panhandlers, grubbing for money, and smiling at me behind my back. **** the squeegee men dirtying up the clean windshield of my car. Get a ****ing job! **** the Sikhs and the Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs, curry steaming out their pores, stinking up my day. Terrorists in ****ing training. SLOW THE **** DOWN! **** the Chelsea boys with their waxed chests and pumped up biceps. Going down on each other in my parks and on my piers, jingling their dicks on my Channel 35. **** the Korean grocers with their pyramids of overpriced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic. Ten years in the country, still no speaky English? **** the Russians in Brighton Beach. Mobster thugs sitting in cafés, sipping tea in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth. Wheelin' and dealin' and schemin'. Go back where you ****ing came from! **** the black-hatted Chassidim, strolling up and down 47th street in their dirty gabardine with their dandruff. Selling South African apartheid diamonds! **** the Wall Street brokers. Self-styled masters of the universe. Michael Douglas, Gordon Gekko wannabe mother ****ers, figuring out new ways to rob hard working people blind. Send those Enron assholes to jail for ****ING LIFE! You think Bush and Cheney didn't know about that shit? Give me a ****ing break! Tyco! Worldcom! **** the Puerto Ricans. 20 to a car, swelling up the welfare rolls, worst ****in' parade in the city. And don't even get me started on the Dom-in-i-cans, 'cause they make the Puerto Ricans look good. **** the Bensonhurst Italians with their pomaded hair, their nylon warm-up suits, their St. Anthony medallions, swinging their, Jason Giambi, Louisville slugger, baseball bats, trying to audition for the Sopranos. **** the Upper East Side wives with their Hermes scarves and their fifty-dollar Balducci artichokes. Overfed faces getting pulled and lifted and stretched, all taut and shiny. You're not fooling anybody, sweetheart! **** the uptown brothers. They never pass the ball, they don't want to play defense, they take five steps on every lay-up to the hoop. And then they want to turn around and blame everything on the white man. Slavery ended one hundred and thirty seven years ago. Move the **** on! **** the corrupt cops with their anus violating plungers and their 41 shots, standing behind a blue wall of silence. You betray our trust! **** the priests who put their hands down some innocent child's pants. **** the church that protects them, delivering us into evil. And while you're at it, **** JC! He got off easy! A day on the cross, a weekend in hell, and all the hallelujahs of the legioned angels for eternity! Try seven years in ****in' Otisville, J! **** Osama Bin Laden, Al Qaeda, and backward-ass, cave-dwelling, fundamentalist assholes everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray you spend the rest of eternity with your seventy-two whores roasting in a jet-fuel fire in hell. You towel headed camel jockeys can kiss my royal Irish ass! **** Jacob Elinsky, whining malcontent. **** Francis Xavier Slaughtery my best friend, judging me while he stares at my girlfriend's ass. **** Naturelle Riviera, I gave her my trust and she stabbed me in the back, sold me up the river, ****ing bitch. **** my father with his endless grief, standing behind that bar sipping on club sodas, selling whisky to firemen, cheering the Bronx bombers. **** this whole city and everyone in it. From the row-houses of Astoria to the penthouses on Park Avenue, from the projects in the Bronx to the lofts in Soho. From the tenements in Alphabet City to the brownstones in Park slope to the split-levels in Staten Island. Let an earthquake crumble it, let the fires rage, let it burn to ****ing ash and then let the waters rise and submerge this whole rat-infested place.
[pause]
Monty Brogan: No. No, **** you, Montgomery Brogan. You had it all, and you threw it away, you dumb ****!

QuikSsurfer
06-20-2007, 08:31 AM
this could be a good thread. Alot of clerks and mall rants have those long ass fights like in real life.

OHHHH NOW YOU ARE GOING TO CHALLENGE MY LIBIDO!
I immediately thought of Clerks from the thread title.


"I saw the paper one time that said the world was ending the next week. Then in the next week's paper, they said we were miraculously saved at the zero hour by a Koala-fish mutant bird. Crazy shit."

Sully
06-20-2007, 08:31 AM
NSFW!!!

<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/eyhw8Z1cZ-c"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/eyhw8Z1cZ-c" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 08:33 AM
FYP

(Probably the only chance I'll ever get to correct a movie misquote from the master, so I'm jumping all over it) :p
Hmmm... I'll need to watch again. I'm not sold. :D

Frazod
06-20-2007, 08:34 AM
Hmmm... I'll need to watch again. I'm not sold. :D

Sorry, but I got you on that one. :)

Wile_E_Coyote
06-20-2007, 08:42 AM
Fill your hand you son of a bitch

~not a film buff

The Rick
06-20-2007, 08:46 AM
Meet the Parents:
Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, sir. You're gonna have to check that.

Greg: I got it.

Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry. That bag won't fit.

Greg: No, I'm not-- Hey. I'm not checking my bag, okay?

Flight Attendant: There's no need to raise your voice, sir.

Greg: I'm not raising my voice. This would be raising my voice to you, okay? I don't want to check my bag. By the way, your airline, you suck at checking bags. Because I already did that once, and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me. Okay?

Flight Attendant: I can assure you that your bag...will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage.

Greg: Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Are you physically gonna take my bag beneath the plane? Are you gonna go with the guys with the earmuffs and put it in there?

Flight Attendant: No.

Greg: No? Okay. Then shut your pie hole...and listen to me when I say that I am finished...with the checking-of-the-bags conversation!

Flight Attendant: Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large, we--

Greg: Get your grubby little paws off of my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I want to blow up the plane.

Flight Attendant: Sir!

Greg: I wanna stow my bag according to your safety regulations.

Flight Attendant: Sir, sir--

Greg: If you would take a second...and take the little sticks out of your head and clean out your ears, maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do! All I wanna do is hold onto my bag and not listen to you! The only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here now...and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers. Okay? If you can get it from my kung fu grip, then you can have it. Okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.

Rooster
06-20-2007, 09:00 AM
This one still makes me laugh to this day. Chevy Chase as Clark W. Griswold in Vacation. ROFL

I think you're all fu**ed in the head. We're ten hours from the fu**ing fun park, and you wanna bail out! Well, I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation . . . it's a quest! It's a quest for fun! I'm gonna have fun, and you're gonna have fun! We're all gonna have so much fu**ing fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our Goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling Zip-a-dee-doo-da out of your a**holes! I've got to be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose!

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 09:06 AM
Fill your hand you son of a bitch

~not a film buff
I call that bold talk, from a one-eyed fat man!

|Zach|
06-20-2007, 09:12 AM
It's about the Bill of Rights, basic cable, call waiting, and free trips to the salad bar. It's about everything that makes this country great. Our country!

AZORChiefFan
06-20-2007, 09:17 AM
Bad News Bears:

Tanner Boyle: All we got on this team are a buncha Jews, spics, ni**ers, pansies, and a booger-eatin' moron!

Buehler445
06-20-2007, 09:22 AM
From the Rock:

General Hummel: A couple of hundred years ago, a few guys called Washington, Jefferson and Adams were branded as traitors by the British, and now they're called patriots. In time so shall we. God-willing in less than 48 hours we will evacuate this place in gunships, under the cover of hostages and VX gas missiles. Your destination, a non-extradition treaty country. You will receive a fee of one million dollars for services rendered, but you can never again set foot on your native soil. Can you live with that?

The men of Marine force Recon are selected to carry out illegal operations throughout the world. When they don't come home there families are told fairy tales about what happened to them, and denied compensation I have choked on these lies my entire career. Well here and now, the lies stop. God be with all of you.

Adept Havelock
06-20-2007, 09:58 AM
Normally I just want to strangle the ijit, but Jay's rant from the end of Dogma has always been a favorite.

NSFW!

.
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Adept Havelock
06-20-2007, 10:02 AM
Another favorite from that classic film "Network":

Program Director: Take 2, cue Howard.

Beale: I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's worth; banks are going bust; shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter; punks are running wild in the street, and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it.

We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat. And we sit watching our TVs while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that's the way it's supposed to be!

We all know things are bad -- worse than bad -- they're crazy.

It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out any more. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we're living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, "Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials, and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone."

Well, I'm not going to leave you alone.

I want you to get mad!

I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot. I don't want you to write to your Congressman, because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street.

All I know is that first, you've got to get mad.

You've gotta say, "I'm a human being, goddammit! My life has value!"

So, I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it, and stick your head out and yell,

"I'm as mad as hell,

and I'm not going to take this anymore!!"


.

Adept Havelock
06-20-2007, 10:04 AM
Another great rant from Network!

Arthur Jensen to Howard Beale:

Jensen: You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Beale, and I won't have it!! Is that clear?! You think you've merely stopped a business deal. That is not the case. The Arabs have taken billions of dollars out of this country, and now they must put it back! It is ebb and flow, tidal gravity! It is ecological balance!

You are an old man who thinks in terms of nations and peoples. There are no nations. There are no peoples. There are no Russians. There are no Arabs. There are no third worlds. There is no West. There is only one holistic system of systems, one vast and immane, interwoven, interacting, multivariate, multi-national dominion of dollars. Petro-dollars, electro-dollars, multi-dollars, Reichmarks, rins, rubles, pounds, and shekels.

It is the international system of currency which determines the totality of life on this planet. That is the natural order of things today. That is the atomic and subatomic and galactic structure of things today! And YOU have meddled with the primal forces of nature, and YOU WILL ATONE!

Am I getting through to you, Mr. Beale?

You get up on your little twenty-one inch screen and howl about America and democracy. There is no America. There is no democracy. There is only IBM and ITT and AT&T and DuPont, Dow, Union Carbide, and Exxon. Those are the nations of the world today.

What do you think the Russians talk about in their councils of state -- Karl Marx? They get out their linear programming charts, statistical decision theories, minimax solutions, and compute the price-cost probabilities of their transactions and investments, just like we do.

We no longer live in a world of nations and ideologies, Mr. Beale. The world is a college of corporations, inexorably determined by the immutable bylaws of business. The world is a business, Mr. Beale. It has been since man crawled out of the slime. And our children will live, Mr. Beale, to see that perfect world in which there's no war or famine, oppression or brutality -- one vast and ecumenical holding company, for whom all men will work to serve a common profit, in which all men will hold a share of stock, all necessities provided, all anxieties tranquilized, all boredom amused.

And I have chosen you, Mr. Beale, to preach this evangel.

Beale: But why me?

Jensen: Because you're on television, dummy. Sixty million people watch you every night of the week, Monday through Friday.

Beale: I have seen the face of God.

Jensen: You just might be right, Mr. Beale.

Chiefnj
06-20-2007, 10:06 AM
Here's a good one - Sam Kinison:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xg-RZs0I0E

Adept Havelock
06-20-2007, 10:08 AM
BTW- It's not a "Movie" rant, but Judd Hirsch did a great homage to Howard Beale in the pilot of "Studio 60".

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Demonpenz
06-20-2007, 10:13 AM
your out of order this whole place is out of order.

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 10:14 AM
your out of order this whole place is out of order.
Repost.

Demonpenz
06-20-2007, 10:18 AM
Scene 1 (royals manager hal mcrae)

Did you ever consider putting in brett for miller with the bases loaded in the 7th

Mcrae "No No No Stop with this ****ing stupid question this interview is ****ing over." All THESE STUPID ASS ****ING QUESTIONS ALL NIGHT. WHY THE **** WOULD I PUT IN BRETT FOR MILLER IN THE 7TH ****? YOU THINK I'M I ***DAMN FOOL? STAY OUT OF THE LOCKER ASKING ME THIS STUPID ASS SHIT. I AM NOT TAKING NO STUPID SHIT FROM THE PLAYERS OR THE MEDIA

*MCRAE THROWS PHONE AGAINST THE WALL SPILLS GIN*

*EVERYONE LEAVES OFFICE*

*Mcrae comes out of office*

I am AINT TAKING SHIT FROM YOU OR FROM THE PLAYERS THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THE **** THEY WANT TO DO I AM SICK OF IT......PUT THAT IN YOUR ****ING PIPE AND SMOKE IT!!!"

Mr Luzcious
06-20-2007, 10:30 AM
There's always the Nicholson rant in A Few Good Men.

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 10:36 AM
There's always the Nicholson rant in A Few Good Men.
Repost. :D

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showpost.php?p=4032884&postcount=20

Mr Luzcious
06-20-2007, 10:38 AM
Dang it! I read through the entire thread first just to make sure it wasn't... guess I skimmed over one too many posts.

Dartgod
06-20-2007, 11:31 AM
Nicholson, from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

She was fifteen years old, going on thirty-five, Doc, and she told me she was eighteen, she was very willing, I practically had to take to sewing my pants shut. Between you and me, uh, she might have been fifteen, but when you get that little red beaver right up there in front of you, I don't think it's crazy at all and I don't think you do either. No man alive could resist that, and that's why I got into jail to begin with. And now they're telling me I'm crazy over here because I don't sit there like a goddamn vegetable. Don't make a bit of sense to me. If that's what being crazy is, then I'm senseless, out of it, gone-down-the-road, wacko. But no more, no less, that's it.

Pesci, in Casino

I think in all fairness, I should explain to you exactly what it is that I do. For instance tomorrow morning ill get up nice and early, take a walk down over to the bank and... walk in and see and uh... if you don't have my money for me, I'll... crack your ****in' head wide-open in front of everybody in the bank. And just about the time that I'm comin' out of jail, hopefully, you'll be coming out of your coma. And guess what? I'll split your ****in' head open again. 'Cause I'm ****in' stupid. I don't give a **** about jail. That's my business. That's what I do.

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 11:34 AM
Dartgod, both are quality monologues. :thumb:

luv
06-20-2007, 11:35 AM
Happy Gilmore: You little son of a bitch ball! Why you don't you just go home? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your home? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE ASS BALL!

luv
06-20-2007, 12:10 PM
Happy Gilmore: That guy's driving me crazy.
Bob Barker: You know what's driving me crazy? You not getting the ball in the hole!
Happy Gilmore: Don't push me, Bob. Now's not the time!

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 12:16 PM
American Psycho:
Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole. Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and Against All Odds. Sabrina, don't just stare at it, eat it. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite.

gblowfish
06-20-2007, 12:16 PM
There's no crying in baseball!!!

Buehler445
06-20-2007, 12:19 PM
I dont know if this qualifies as a rant, but it is a nice monologue.

Tony D'Amato: I don’t know what to say, really. Three minutes to the biggest battle of our professional lives. All comes down to today, and either, we heal as a team, or we're gonna crumble. Inch by inch, play by play. Until we're finished. We're in hell right now, gentlemen. Believe me. And, we can stay here, get the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb outta hell... one inch at a time. Now I can't do it for ya, I'm too old. I look around, I see these young faces and I think, I mean, I've made every wrong choice a middle-aged man can make. I, uh, I've pissed away all my money, believe it or not. I chased off anyone who's ever loved me. And lately, I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror. You know, when you get old, in life, things get taken from you. I mean, that's... that's... that's a part of life. But, you only learn that when you start losin' stuff. You find out life's this game of inches, so is football. Because in either game - life or football - the margin for error is so small. I mean, one half a step too late or too early and you don't quite make it. One half second too slow, too fast and you don't quite catch it. The inches we need are everywhere around us. They're in every break of the game, every minute, every second. On this team we fight for that inch. On this team we tear ourselves and everyone else around us to pieces for that inch. We claw with our fingernails for that inch. Because we know when add up all those inches, that's gonna make the ****ing difference between winning and losing! Between living and dying! I'll tell you this, in any fight it's the guy whose willing to die whose gonna win that inch. And I know, if I'm gonna have any life anymore it's because I'm still willing to fight and die for that inch, because that's what living is, the six inches in front of your face. Now I can't make you do it. You've got to look at the guy next to you, look into his eyes. Now I think ya going to see a guy who will go that inch with you. Your gonna see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team, because he knows when it comes down to it your gonna do the same for him. That's a team, gentlemen, and either, we heal, now, as a team, or we will die as individuals. That's football guys, that's all it is. Now, what are you gonna do?

Swanman
06-20-2007, 12:38 PM
Classic exchange between Dennis Hopper and Christopher Walken in "True Romance":

Clifford: You're Sicilian, huh?
Coccotti: Yeah, Sicilian.
Clifford: You know I read a lot. Especially things that have to do with history. I find that shit fascinating. In fact, I don't know if you know this or not, Sicilians were spawned by ni**ers.
Coccotti: Come again?
Clifford: It's a fact. Sicilians have black blood pumpin' through their hearts. If you don't believe me, look it up. You see, hundreds and hundreds of years ago the Moors conquered Sicily. And Moors are ni**ers.
Coccotti: Yes...
Clifford: So you see, way back then, uh, Sicilians were like, uh, wops from Northern Italy. Ah, they all had blonde hair and blue eyes, but, uh, well, then the Moors moved in there, and uh, well, they changed the whole country. They did so much f**kin' with Sicilian women, huh? That they changed the whole bloodline forever. That's why blonde hair and blue eyes became black hair and dark skin. You know, it's absolutely amazing to me to think that to this day, hundreds of years later, that, uh, that Sicilians still carry that ni**er gene. Now this...
[Coccotti laughs]
Clifford: No, I'm, no, I'm quoting... history. It's written. It's a fact, it's written.
Coccotti: [laughing] I love this guy.
Clifford: Your ancestors are ni**ers. Uh-huh. Hey. Yeah. And, and your great-great-great-great grandmother f**ked a ni**er, ho, ho, yeah, and she had a half-ni**er kid... now, if that's a fact, tell me, am I lying? 'Cause you, you're part eggplant.
Coccotti: Ohhh!
Clifford: Huh? Hey! Hey! Hey!
Coccotti: You're a cantaloupe. [shoots Cliff in the face]

The Rick
06-20-2007, 12:40 PM
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Swanman
06-20-2007, 12:46 PM
Ben Affleck in Boiler Room:

If you become an employee of this firm, you will make your first million within three years. Okay? I'm gonna repeat that. You will make a million dollars within three years of your first day of employment at J.T. Marlin. There is no question as to whether or not you'll become a millionaire working here. The only question is how many times over. You think I'm joking? I am not joking. I am a millionaire. It's a weird thing to hear, right? I'll tell ya. It's a weird thing to say. I am a f**king millionaire. I am a f**king millionaire. And guess how old I am. Twenty-seven. You know what that makes me here? A f**kin' senior citizen. This firm is entirely comprised of people your age, not mine. Lucky for me, I'm very f**king good at my job, or I'd be out of one. You guys are the new blood. You're gonna go home with the kessef. You are the future big swinging dicks of this firm. Now, you all look money hungry, and that's good. Anybody tells you money is the root of all evil doesn't f**kin' have any. They say money can't buy happiness? Look at the f**kin' smile on my face. Ear to ear, baby. You want details? Fine. I drive a Ferrari 355 Cabriolet. What's up? I have a ridiculous house in the South Fork. I have every toy you could possibly imagine. And best of all, kids, I am liquid. So, now that you know what's possible. Let me tell you what's required. You are required to work your f**king ass off at this firm. We want winners here, not pikers. A piker walks at the bell. A piker asks how much vacation time you get in the first year. Vacation time? People come and work at this firm for one reason: to become filthy rich. That's it. We're not here to make friends. We're not savin' the f**kin' manatees here, guys. You want vacation time? Go teach third grade, public school. The first three months at the firm are as a trainee. You make $150 a week. After you're done training, you take the Series Seven. You pass that, you become a junior broker and you're opening accounts for your team leader. You open 40 accounts, you start workin' for yourself. Sky's the limit. Word or two about being a trainee. Friends, parents, other brokers, whoever, they're gonna give you shit about it. It's true. $150 a week? Not a lot of money. Pay them no mind. You need to learn this business, and this is the time to do it. Once you pass the test, none of that's gonna matter. Your friends are shit. You tell them you made 25 grand last month, they're not gonna f**kin' believe you. F**k them! F**k 'em! Parents don't like the life you lead? 'F**k you, Mom and Dad.' See how it feels when you're makin' their f**kin' Lexus payments. Now, go home and think about it. Think about whether or not this is really for you. If you decide it isn't, listen, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. It's not for everyone. Thanks. But if you really want this, you call me on Monday and we'll talk. Just don't waste my f**kin' time.

Swanman
06-20-2007, 12:51 PM
Narrator's monologue at the end of "300":

Remember us, as simple an order as a king can give. Remember why we died. For he didn't wish tribute or song. No monuments, no poems of war and valour. His wish was simple...remember us, he said to me. That was his hope. Should any free soul come across that place, in all the countless centuries yet to be, may all our voices whisper to you from the ageless stones: Go tell the Spartans, passer-by, that here by Spartan law we lie. So my king died, and my brothers died, barely a year ago. Long I pondered my king's cryptic talk of victory. Time has proven him wise, for from free Greek to free Greek the word was spread that bold Leonidas and his 300, so far from home, laid down their lives, not just for Sparta, but for all Greece and the promise this country holds. Now, here on this ragged patch of earth called Plataea, Xerxes' hordes face obliteration! Just there the barbarians huddle, sheer terror gripping tight their hearts with icy fingers, knowing full well what merciless horrors they suffered at the swords and spears of 300. Yet they stare now across the plain at 10,000 Spartans commanding 30,000 free Greeks! Haroo! The enemy outnumber us a paltry three to one! Good odds for any Greek. This day we rescue a world from mysticism and tyranny, and usher in a future brighter than anything we could imagine. Give thanks, men, to Leonidas and the brave 300! To victory!

Swanman
06-20-2007, 12:54 PM
Hopefully not a repost, because I can't believe it hasn't been posted yet:

Jessep: You want answers?!
Kaffee: I want the truth!
Jessep: You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You?! You, Lieutenant Weinberg?! I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives! You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall! You need me on that wall! We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline! I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said, "Thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to!
Kaffee: Did you order the Code Red?
Jessep: I did the job I was sent to do--
Kaffee: Did you order the Code Red?!
Jessep: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!!!

Fried Meat Ball!
06-20-2007, 01:32 PM
Repost x2

http://www.chiefsplanet.com/BB/showpost.php?p=4032884&postcount=20

Baby Lee
07-13-2007, 12:34 PM
Glengarry Glen Ross:
Better yet

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Tribal Warfare
07-13-2007, 01:42 PM
Clark: Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?


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DING! DING! DING!!!!!!!

Mile High Mania
07-13-2007, 01:51 PM
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Simply Red
07-13-2007, 01:53 PM
Blue Velvet

"Heineken?"

"F*CK THAT SHIT? PABST BLUE RIBBON!

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Mile High Mania
07-13-2007, 01:54 PM
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Nzoner
07-13-2007, 01:59 PM
"YOU GET A GOD**N JOB BEFORE SUNDOWN OR WE'RE SHIPPIN' YOU OFF TO MILITARY SCHOOL WITH THE GOD**N FINKLESTINKT SHIT KID....SONOFABITCH!!!"

Simply Red
07-13-2007, 02:08 PM
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That was the first one I thought of. Just a little too cool to post something that mainstream.

yeah riiiggghhhhhhtt!


*wink, wink nudge, nudge,*

Redrum_69
07-13-2007, 02:29 PM
The Dead Parrot Sketch
Monty Python


The Pet Shoppe
A customer enters a pet shop.

Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

C: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

O: We're closin' for lunch.

C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!

(shouting at the cage)

'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)

O: There, he moved!

C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

O: I never!!

C: Yes, you did!

O: I never, never did anything...

C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!

Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

C: STUNNED?!?

O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

O: No no! 'E's pining!

C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!

'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!

THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.

(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)

O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.

C: I see. I see, I get the picture.

O: I got a slug.

(pause)

C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?

O: Nnnnot really.

C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

O: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the parrot for you.

C: Bolton, eh? Very well.

The customer leaves.

The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.

C: This is Bolton, is it?

O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.

C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.

The customer goes to the train station.

He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".

C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.

Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!

C: I beg your pardon...?

A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!

C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?

A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 200 lines, you know.

C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.

A: No, this is Bolton.

C: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!

A: Can't blame British Rail for that.

C: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!

He does.

C: I understand this IS Bolton.

O: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?

C: You told me it was Ipswitch!

O: ...It was a pun.

C: (pause) A PUN?!?

O: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?

C: (Long pause) A palindrome...?

O: Yeah, that's it!

C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!

O: Well, what do you want?

C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!

Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...

Frazod
07-13-2007, 02:35 PM
Here's a good one. Can anybody guess the movie and the actor?

"Look! We're not worried about the German army, we've got enough troubles of our own. To the right General Patton, to the left the British Army, to the rear our own goddamn artillery, and besides all that it's raining. And the only good thing to say about the weather: it keeps our air corps from blowing us all to Hell because its too lousy to fly."

Redrum_69
07-13-2007, 02:38 PM
Kelly's Heroes

QuikSsurfer
07-13-2007, 02:39 PM
<object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/pDat9zdw7Gs"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/pDat9zdw7Gs" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object>

Redrum_69
07-13-2007, 02:41 PM
Monty Python and Benny Hill


They need more shows like that nowadays

Frazod
07-13-2007, 02:44 PM
Kelly's Heroes

Very good.

Pestilence
07-13-2007, 02:45 PM
Aye, fight and you may die, run and you'll live. At least a while.
And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to
trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one
chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take
our lives, but they'll never take our freedom?! Alba gu bra!

Redrum_69
07-13-2007, 02:45 PM
Very good.


I cant remember who said it

Maybe Clint or Donald.

That movie was great

Redrum_69
07-13-2007, 02:45 PM
Aye, fight and you may die, run and you'll live. At least a while.
And dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to
trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one
chance to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take
our lives, but they'll never take our freedom?! Alba gu bra!


South Park!

Frazod
07-13-2007, 02:58 PM
I cant remember who said it

Maybe Clint or Donald.

That movie was great

Telly Savalas (Big Joe).

And yes, it was.