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Direckshun
06-22-2007, 12:47 PM
Here's a boom-or-bust, 400-post or 0-post thread for bored Chiefs fans.

I think we can all agree Herm Edwards is far more straightforward in his football philosophies than most coaches.

Well submit your axioms that you honestly believe that Herm Edwards follows when it comes to building a football team, and hark!, I shalt do mine best to incorporate them into a two- or three-book mini-Bible, written in the holiest of prose, and constantly adapting to incorporate your newly-added Commandments.

The axioms can relate to offense, defense, leadership, game strategies, team chemistry, public speaking, his own personal history ("and Dungy begat Edwards") -- whatever you can reasonably relate to Herm. The more the better, I would ideally like this to be a good-sized Good Book.

A couple serious axioms I can think up off the top of my head (I figure you folks won't have any trouble thinking up punchlines) would be like the following:
Thou shalt build thy teams through the Draft. Thou shalt draft Best Player Available. Thou shalt not get things twisted.

Then I'll take your suggestions later and try to write out The New Testament Of Herm or whatever. The following is what I've got so far for this gloriously makeshift Holy Word.

The Book of Herm

Chapter 1

1 In 1978, year of our Lord, the Ancient Giants found themselves ensconced in a comfortable lead in the waning seconds of a 17-12 victory over thine Golden Eagles upon the gridiron of the Meadowlands. 2 All that stood between themselves and victory was a 3rd-and-2 kneel-down to kill off the remaining seconds off the clock. 3 But in those crucial seconds that echo throughout the Heavens and the Earth, there would be no kneel-down. 5 Instead, a Miracle reared itself, as the Lord slipped the ball from the hands of Pisarcik, and from this Immaculate Separation doth borne Herman Edwards. 6 To be known among Godís children as ďHerm,Ē he made good work of the Lordís blessing, hauling the fumbled treasure 26-yards for a defensive touchdown and a 19-17 shocker. Prodigy was borne this day.

7 Truly infused in the mind of this man of football was a dedication to all that is righteous and outspoken. 8 Herm would grow into a head coach and spiritual learner of this most holiest of sports, enduring trials and tribulations in the strange lands of Tampa Bay and New York, before riding into Arrowhead, the Lordís Promised Land, on the back of a 4th round pick.

9 His words would ring throughout the press, enlightening and befuddling a city that continued to worship the false idol Dick Vermeil. 10 He implored to his newfound flock that they misunderstood what a successful organization looked like. That they, in fact, knew not what they do.

11 And upon Arrowhead Drive he stood in a snappy sweater vest, and thus began Hermanís Sermon on the Mount. 12 A truer test of character the world had never known.

Count Zarth
06-22-2007, 12:49 PM
Thou Shalt Take Solace In Field Goals.

KurtCobain
06-22-2007, 12:51 PM
Thou Shalt Pound Thy Johnson

the Talking Can
06-22-2007, 12:52 PM
Whenst thou dismantle-est an offense, one must never say, "Begone foul dragon of an offense, I dismantle thee!"....

luv
06-22-2007, 12:54 PM
Can I get the FFDV (Football For Dummies Version)? It's so much easier to read.

Chiefnj
06-22-2007, 12:55 PM
Thou shalt simplify the offense.

The shalt feel better when thy Dick is Curl(ed).

Thou shalt never watch the Super Bowl on television.

Thou shalt die Easter Eggs when Thy telleth to.

Thou shall not enjoy the circus.

Direckshun
06-22-2007, 12:55 PM
Can I get the FFD (Football For Dummies) version? It's so much easier to read.
There is no New American Standard version of the Herm Bible.

It will be written and printed in King Carl Version.

Fly O.T. McWall
06-22-2007, 12:56 PM
Final verse: It's OK!

Redrum_69
06-22-2007, 12:56 PM
Thou shall not lose in Cleveland during the month of December

Reerun_KC
06-22-2007, 12:56 PM
Thou shalt not out score they brethern on their own land

luv
06-22-2007, 12:56 PM
There is no New American Standard version of the Herm Bible.

It will be written and printed in King Carl Version.
Niiice. Rep.

Tribal Warfare
06-22-2007, 12:56 PM
Run, Run, Pass,Punt

As it's written shall it be done

AZORChiefFan
06-22-2007, 12:57 PM
And on the 7th day Herm rested and forgot clock management.

Redrum_69
06-22-2007, 12:58 PM
Thou shall not bend to the will of spectators and arm-chair quarterbacks who worship backup quarterbacks looking to dethrone said starting quarterback, regardless of illness or desperation.

Count Zarth
06-22-2007, 12:58 PM
Thou Shalt Run On Third Down, Occasionally.

the Talking Can
06-22-2007, 01:00 PM
You Play To Win The Game

DMAC
06-22-2007, 01:00 PM
Thou shalt wear snappy sweater vests.

DenverChief
06-22-2007, 01:00 PM
Thou Shalt Pound Thy Johnson


LMAO this is the best by far

noa
06-22-2007, 01:01 PM
A good punter is hard to find, his worth is far above rubies. The heart of his coach trusts in him, and nothing shall he lack.

Count Zarth
06-22-2007, 01:02 PM
Thou Shalt Make The Media Thy Bitch.

InChiefsHell
06-22-2007, 01:03 PM
Thou shalt play to win the game.

*edited for the love of luv...

KurtCobain
06-22-2007, 01:04 PM
Thou Shalt Fall Short of a First Down

InChiefsHell
06-22-2007, 01:04 PM
Thou shalt use double-speak when asked about the QB situation...

Redrum_69
06-22-2007, 01:05 PM
Thou shall bring about a covenant with thy Satan known as Carl Peterson

luv
06-22-2007, 01:05 PM
Thou Shalt Play To Win The Game
FYP

Just trying to keep the flow.

Redrum_69
06-22-2007, 01:06 PM
Thou shalt spend many hours reviewing tape but take only seconds to lose the game

the Talking Can
06-22-2007, 01:06 PM
Thou Shalt Fall Short of a First Down

nice

noa
06-22-2007, 01:07 PM
Thou shalt understand that playing thy game of football is a privilege, not a right.

Redrum_69
06-22-2007, 01:08 PM
Thou shalt draft accordingly to HIS plan, unless plan overflows with reason such that thou General Manager brings about a spear to thine own crucification.

Reerun_KC
06-22-2007, 01:09 PM
Thou shall not back into playoffs, Thou shall win games thy was suppost to win.

Redrum_69
06-22-2007, 01:10 PM
Thou shalt have many media outlets to portray images, but none shall ever be more fair than thy sexpot known as Carrie Underwood.

Count Zarth
06-22-2007, 01:11 PM
Thou shalt have many media outlets to portray images, but none shall ever be more fair than thy sexpot known as Carrie Underwood.

WTF?

Count Zarth
06-22-2007, 01:12 PM
Thou Shalt Pull One Out Of Thy Ass In The Second Round.

Redrum_69
06-22-2007, 01:14 PM
Thou shalt have a offensive line that falls apart and a loyal fanbase that shall scorn your image and strike your heels if you havent won a Super Bowl within 3 years....

noa
06-22-2007, 01:14 PM
Thou shalt draft a player from UCLA every year. During the Year of Jubilee, thou shalt draft two players from UCLA.

DMAC
06-22-2007, 01:15 PM
For Herm so loved the run, that he gave his one and only QB, and whosoever dinks and dunks shall not perish, but have eternal mediocracy.

Direckshun
06-22-2007, 01:16 PM
For Herm so loved the run, that he gave his one and only QB, and whosoever dinks and dunks shall not perish, but have eternal mediocracy.
L O L

KurtCobain
06-22-2007, 01:17 PM
For Herm so loved the run, that he gave his one and only QB, and whosoever dinks and dunks shall not perish, but have eternal mediocracy.

hahaha rep ROFL

afchiefs
06-22-2007, 01:17 PM
Thou salt be lead to the promised land by a Dark Soilder draped in red bearing a burning 27 across thy back!

TrickyNicky
06-22-2007, 01:22 PM
Thou shalt not runneth thine score up in thy present game, for that which may cause a loss in thy future matchup.

FAX
06-22-2007, 01:22 PM
And behold, the great media standeth at the door like unto a plague, and knocketh: and if any man heareth their voice, and openeth the door, they will come in to us, and will sup with us, and us with them, and questions shalt they ask of us.

And after this the media looked, and, behold, a door was opened unto the locker room: and the first voice which they did heareth as it were of a trumpet or as a man of great speech and little wisdom; which sayeth, Come up hither, and write down those things which I sayeth.

And immediately was Herm in the spirit: and, behold, a microphone was set before him, and one microphone did he approacheth. And Herm that sat before the microphone was to look upon like a shark and a terrible sardine: and there was a great tribulation round about the microphone, in sight like unto the most murderous fishes of the sea. And out of the microphone proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices: and there were seven reasons of fire and the seven reasons why the offense could not scoreth, which are the seven great excuses. And the first excuse was like unto a dropped pass, and the second like unto a bad call, and the third excuse had a face as of a kicker, and the fourth was like unto a stacked defensive line.

FAX

Terribilis
06-22-2007, 01:26 PM
Lamar 25:17. The path of the righteous fan is beset on all sides by the inequities of the Broncos and the tyranny of evil Raiders. Blessed is he who, in the name of Red and Gold, shepherds the weak through the valley of Arrowhead. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost endzones. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Herm when I lay my vengeance upon you

Reerun_KC
06-22-2007, 01:26 PM
And behold, the great media standeth at the door like unto a plague, and knocketh: and if any man heareth their voice, and openeth the door, they will come in to us, and will sup with us, and us with them, and questions shalt they ask of us.

And after this the media looked, and, behold, a door was opened unto the locker room: and the first voice which they did heareth as it were of a trumpet or as a man of great speech and little wisdom; which sayeth, Come up hither, and write down those things which I sayeth.

And immediately was Herm in the spirit: and, behold, a microphone was set before him, and one microphone did he approacheth. And Herm that sat before the microphone was to look upon like a shark and a terrible sardine: and there was a great tribulation round about the microphone, in sight like unto the most murderous fishes of the sea. And out of the microphone proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices: and there were seven reasons of fire and the seven reasons why the offense could not scoreth, which are the seven great excuses. And the first excuse was like unto a dropped pass, and the second like unto a bad call, and the third excuse had a face as of a kicker, and the fourth was like unto a stacked defensive line.

FAX

Another Homerun!

ROFL

Chiefnj
06-22-2007, 01:32 PM
Yea though I walk through the tunnels at Arrowhead, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me; Thy running game and Thy defense they comfort me.

Thou preparest a grid iron before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my playbook with runs up the middle; my cup runneth over into the center's buttocks.

JohnnyV13
06-22-2007, 01:34 PM
In the Beginning, there was Adam, the first quarterback. Adam cavorted on the green field alone, running and cutting and throwing and God saw that it was good. But God knew that Adam was lonely and needed a companion. Thus, God caused Adam to slam his head into the field and rendered him unconscious. While he was knocked out, God took from Adam all his common sense, and shaped it into a new form. This new creature God named "head cheerleader". Eve danced and pranced on the field, admiring all of Adam's exploits while waving her pom-poms. Adam was no longer lonely, and now ran up and down the Field with abaondon. God saw all that he had made and saw that it was Good.

God was not yet finished. To give Adam's running and jumping direction and purpose, he created "Touchdown" and "Field Goal". In the days of their innocence, Adam and his friends ran and played on the field, Eve and her friends cheered, while the stands filled with Students who then became known as Fans. Shouts of joy filled the air and God knew that what he had created was Good.

One dark night after a Game, Eve wandered across the Field and Lo! a serpent spoke to her from the grass. "Why is it that you play the great game of football and only God above can witness your feats? Would it not be better to share the spectacle with the rest of the world through the medium of Television?" The serpent then presented a contract to Eve and said unto her, "Have the quarterback Adam sign this document, and the masses shall worship you on Sundays."

FAX
06-22-2007, 01:51 PM
And the media did cry with a loud voice, saying, How long, O Herm, dost thou not avenge our losses and mighty concussions and embarrassments in post season?

And in the right hand of him that sat before the microphone was a book written within and without and sealed with seven seals. And behold, then did Herm sayeth in a voice like unto famine, This is thy playbook which I shalt destroy that no man may say that our offense shalt be a circus nor shalt one say evermore that our alignments be complex, for deserveth thee not! And the media wept much, because no man was found worthy to open and to read the book, neither to look thereon. And so did the fans cast dust on their heads, and rend their garments of red and gold, and cried, weeping and wailing, saying, Alas, alas, the great offense, wherein were all made rich who had wagereth on the over under by reason of her touchdowns, for in this hour is she made desolate!

FAX

CoMoChief
06-22-2007, 01:58 PM
Thou shall play to win the game.

Thou shall at the end of the day.

Thou shall that's the great thing about it.

Thou shall go down and kick FG's.

Thou shall run, run, pass, punt.

big nasty kcnut
06-22-2007, 02:13 PM
Thou Shalt let herm play to win thy game so he may blessed thy with that win.

Tribal Warfare
06-22-2007, 02:25 PM
Thou shalt not worship Trent Green for he is a false idol.

Stewie
06-22-2007, 02:34 PM
FAX's post was awesome and anything I could add is futile.

DaFace
06-22-2007, 02:39 PM
Thou Shalt Pound Thy Johnson

Are you sure you're talking about a football philosophy?

DMAC
06-22-2007, 02:44 PM
Are you sure you're talking about a football philosophy?
It's either that, or it's the reason Herm does not watch football on TV.

KurtCobain
06-22-2007, 02:45 PM
Are you sure you're talking about a football philosophy?

I can't really remember...

FAX
06-22-2007, 03:34 PM
And there appeared before the media a great wonder in heaven; an angel in soiled cloth, and feet of grass, and upon his head a crown of twelve dents: and this was the angel of the run.

And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having five heads and five horns, and seven great gouges upon his five heads: and this was the angel of the draw.

And behold, did Herm sayeth with a loud voice as it were the sound of hail and fire mingled with blood, These shalt be thy offense for I have created such for thee: for thee hast I created them, and for thy pleasure they are and were created! And woe to the inhabiters of Arrowhead and the unbelieving and the whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters who shalt call for the pass or the play action, for by reason of these voices shalt great torment befall any who so calleth!

And lo, did then the angel and the dragon cast themselves like unto death into a wall of stone and fall mightly into a forsaken pile of smoke and spittle. And then did the fans beat their chests and cry to the heavens themselves, Oh fall upon us and cast us into the sea that we may not lay sight to the end of scoring and may not hear the sound of 3rd and long!

FAX

Baby Lee
06-22-2007, 03:51 PM
I wouldst tolerate my man, Dickecurl, who calls himself a a keeper of the vagaries of temporal progress. Lo, though he teaches and seduces me to commit metaphysical boneheadery, and to eat timeouts sacrificed to the abyss
I gave him time to repent, and he assures me of great and mystical improvement since the time of York.
Behold, though you wish to throw him into a pit, and those who commit such disgerence with him into great oppression, I've been assured that he repents of his works.

HemiEd
06-22-2007, 03:59 PM
Thou shalt "see ball", thou shalt "go get ball."

blueballs
06-22-2007, 04:06 PM
Every Sunday is the
Sermon on the Pound

FAX
06-22-2007, 04:12 PM
I wouldst tolerate my man, Dickecurl, who calls himself a a keeper of the vagaries of temporal progress. Lo, though he teaches and seduces me to commit metaphysical boneheadery, and to eat timeouts sacrificed to the abyss
I gave him time to repent, and he assures me of great and mystical improvement since the time of York.
Behold, though you wish to throw him into a pit, and those who commit such disgerence with him into great oppression, I've been assured that he repents of his works.

And the fans did cry out to Herm, O Herm, forsaketh thee thou Dickecurl! For hast he not proven himself defiled and an abomination before thy people, and before the league, and before the third graders?

And behold, Herm replied in a voice like unto the rushing waters in a river of disease, Sayest thou not! For who knows whereof the time is at hand? Are there not four quarters? And are not the length and the breadth and the height of it equal before me? Let no man say that Dickecurl is unjust. For he that is unjust, let him be unjust still: and he which is filthy, let him be filthy still: and he that is righteous, let him be righteous still: and he that is retarded, let him be retarded still.

And lo, did Herm then smite the media: and he smote them with a rod of iron and cast them into the winepress of fierceness and so did he dip them also thereunto the lake of blood whereon the media did write the praises of Dickecurl that the people might worship him also.

FAX

Baby Lee
06-22-2007, 04:20 PM
the winepress of fierceness
Hey!! How'd you know the nickname for mah wang?

FAX
06-22-2007, 04:39 PM
Hey!! How'd you know the nickname for mah wang?

It's the Herm Edwards Bible, Mr. Baby Lee.

All things are revealed in the HEB.

FAX

Guru
06-22-2007, 04:43 PM
Only LJ shall perform a Hermgasm in public.

Direckshun
06-22-2007, 07:18 PM
Alright.

The Book of Herm is in construction. I'm just going to tack it onto the OP.

Keep all suggestions coming. This is the world's first democratic Bible.

luv
06-22-2007, 07:21 PM
Alright.

The Book of Herm is in construction. I'm just going to tack it onto the OP.

Keep all suggestions coming. This is the world's first democratic Bible.
You're very creative. You should do the compilation, print it, and send it to a publisher. The first ever Chiefsplanet Herm Edwards Bible.

luv
06-22-2007, 07:22 PM
The CPV Herm Edwards Bible.

ChiefsPlanet Version.

KurtCobain
06-22-2007, 07:29 PM
Don't forget the Johnson pounding Commandment, and you should make a wikipage for the herm bible.

FAX
06-22-2007, 09:38 PM
And so it came to pass that Herm sayeth unto the veterans, Because thou hast eaten from the tree of experience, thou art cursed above all mortals, and upon thy belly shalt thou go unto free agency and in sorrow shalt thy incentive bonus be withheld. And unto the rookies he sayeth, Because thou hast hearkened unto my voice and partaken of my noobley stick, thou shalt be blessed and thy career shalt be exalted and thy locker be near the shower and thy shalt have unto thine own the private room on the road.

And thus did the veterans depart from Arrowhead and great was the wailing among fans and the media also was corrupt before Herm, and the executive offices were filled with violence and wickedness and every evil imagination.

FAX

Direckshun
06-22-2007, 10:00 PM
And so it came to pass that Herm sayeth unto the veterans, Because thou hast eaten from the tree of experience, thou art cursed above all mortals, and upon thy belly shalt thou go unto free agency and in sorrow shalt thy incentive bonus be withheld. And unto the rookies he sayeth, Because thou hast hearkened unto my voice and partaken of my noobley stick, thou shalt be blessed and thy career shalt be exalted and thy locker be near the shower and thy shalt have unto thine own the private room on the road.

And thus did the veterans depart from Arrowhead and great was the wailing among fans and the media also was corrupt before Herm, and the executive offices were filled with violence and wickedness and every evil imagination.
You are showing me up, my friend. Brilliant work.

FAX
06-22-2007, 10:04 PM
You are showing me up, my friend. Brilliant work.

Just trying to help, Mr. Direckshun.

I am like unto a scribe.

FAX

the Talking Can
06-23-2007, 01:01 AM
Hicks + DV = Sodom and Gamorrha (sp?)

AZORChiefFan
09-10-2007, 05:18 PM
And Herm said unto the QB's "one must use the check down first and if that is covered one must back into the line of scrimmage for a sack".

beach tribe
09-10-2007, 05:25 PM
Thou shalt be glorified by ones personality, and not by the carrying out of onests tasks.

Logical
09-10-2007, 05:28 PM
And on the day nigh after the opener Herm said kicker Medlock ye shall be cast out to wander the wilderness, and lo unto the squad would come a Rayner to rescuse the heathens.

FAX
09-10-2007, 05:32 PM
And if thy kicker offendeth thee, cut his ass.

FAX

siberian khatru
09-10-2007, 05:32 PM
And on the day nigh after the opener Herm said kicker Medlock ye shall be cast out to wander the wilderness, and lo unto the squad would come a Rayner to rescuse the heathens.

ROFL

HonestChieffan
09-10-2007, 05:43 PM
And then the sky was rent and out came the booteth leggeth. And silence filled the land.

Calcountry
09-10-2007, 05:52 PM
Verily, verily, I say unto thee, For all teams have fallen short of the glory of the endzone.

The wages of offense is touchdowns, but the gift of football is eternal field goals.

Calcountry
09-10-2007, 05:56 PM
And so it came to pass that Herm sayeth unto the veterans, Because thou hast eaten from the tree of experience, thou art cursed above all mortals, and upon thy belly shalt thou go unto free agency and in sorrow shalt thy incentive bonus be withheld. And unto the rookies he sayeth, Because thou hast hearkened unto my voice and partaken of my noobley stick, thou shalt be blessed and thy career shalt be exalted and thy locker be near the shower and thy shalt have unto thine own the private room on the road.

And thus did the veterans depart from Arrowhead and great was the wailing among fans and the media also was corrupt before Herm, and the executive offices were filled with violence and wickedness and every evil imagination.

FAXOnly once in a very long time, I laugh so hard that my bronchial tubes get irritated to the point of coughing my guts out.

Nice.

Simplex3
09-10-2007, 06:05 PM
Yeah, though we walk through the shadow of the Valley Of Rebuilding, we shall fear no losses: for Colquit art with us; his punts comfort us. Thou preparest a field before us in the presence of our enemies, thou anointest thine head with a fro, LJ runneth over and over and over and over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow every abysmal season with no wins in the playoffs: and we will dwell in the house of Mediocrity for ever.

Buehler445
09-10-2007, 06:14 PM
I do not belong in the same BB as FAX. The man is rediculous.

Calcountry
09-10-2007, 06:14 PM
And there appeared before the media a great wonder in heaven; an angel in soiled cloth, and feet of grass, and upon his head a crown of twelve dents: and this was the angel of the run.

And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having five heads and five horns, and seven great gouges upon his five heads: and this was the angel of the draw.

And behold, did Herm sayeth with a loud voice as it were the sound of hail and fire mingled with blood, These shalt be thy offense for I have created such for thee: for thee hast I created them, and for thy pleasure they are and were created! And woe to the inhabiters of Arrowhead and the unbelieving and the whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters who shalt call for the pass or the play action, for by reason of these voices shalt great torment befall any who so calleth!

And lo, did then the angel and the dragon cast themselves like unto death into a wall of stone and fall mightly into a forsaken pile of smoke and spittle. And then did the fans beat their chests and cry to the heavens themselves, Oh fall upon us and cast us into the sea that we may not lay sight to the end of scoring and may not hear the sound of 3rd and long!

FAXAnd therefore it came to pass, that while on a soujourn, Herm fell into a vision and it appeared unto him, that it was time to depart from Sodom and go forth to God's country in the midwest where DV, babylon the great of offenses. And Herm proclaimed unto those who committed adultery with her offenses, and drank deeply the wine of her adulterous x-factor returns, that thou shalt repent of such wicked arena ball frivolity and chasten thyself unto Ball control and field goals.

Calcountry
09-10-2007, 06:15 PM
I do not belong in the same BB as FAX. The man is rediculous.No doubt, we are but boys amongst a man when it comes to this religiosity speak.

Simplex3
09-10-2007, 06:16 PM
Herm 3:16:

For Herm so loved the fans that he gave his one and only Play, that whoever runs it shall not perish but have eternal strife.

Calcountry
09-10-2007, 06:17 PM
And if thy kicker offendeth thee, cut his ass.

FAXBetter to enter the Superbowl without a kicker, than to have a HOF kicker and no playoffs.

Simplex3
09-10-2007, 06:30 PM
Then Herm was led by the fans into the desert to be tempted by the scoring of 22 points. After punting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempters came to him and said, "If you are the Hire of Carl, tell this quarterback to throw deep to win."

Herm answered, "It is written: 'A team does not win on points alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of his coach.'"

Then the fans took him to the holy stadium and had him stand on the highest point of the 300 level. "If you are the Hire of Carl," they said, "throw yourself down. For it is written: 'He will command his field crew concerning you, and they will lift their tarp up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against the field.'"

Herm answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put thy hourly employees to work during the week.'"

Again, the fans took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the trophies of the Lombardi and their splendor. "All this I will give you," they said, "if you will throw down field and score 22 points."

Herm said to them, "Away from me, fans! For it is written: 'Scoring more than 21 points in a game isn't real football, it's Arena League football.'"

Then the fans left him, and Carl came and attended him.

runnercyclist
09-10-2007, 06:51 PM
Verily, verily, I say unto thee, For all teams have fallen short of the glory of the endzone.

The wages of offense is touchdowns, but the gift of football is eternal field goal missesth
FYP

ottawa_chiefs_fan
09-10-2007, 06:58 PM
And behold, the great media standeth at the door like unto a plague, and knocketh: and if any man heareth their voice, and openeth the door, they will come in to us, and will sup with us, and us with them, and questions shalt they ask of us.

And after this the media looked, and, behold, a door was opened unto the locker room: and the first voice which they did heareth as it were of a trumpet or as a man of great speech and little wisdom; which sayeth, Come up hither, and write down those things which I sayeth.

And immediately was Herm in the spirit: and, behold, a microphone was set before him, and one microphone did he approacheth. And Herm that sat before the microphone was to look upon like a shark and a terrible sardine: and there was a great tribulation round about the microphone, in sight like unto the most murderous fishes of the sea. And out of the microphone proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices: and there were seven reasons of fire and the seven reasons why the offense could not scoreth, which are the seven great excuses. And the first excuse was like unto a dropped pass, and the second like unto a bad call, and the third excuse had a face as of a kicker, and the fourth was like unto a stacked defensive line.

FAX

...I got chills.....

Dylan
09-10-2007, 07:01 PM
So shall it be written, so shall it be told!!!

TBH 1:2




No disrespect... you guys are hysterical.

I just have to say -- what a cool forum!

Simplex3
09-10-2007, 07:41 PM
No disrespect... you guys are hysterical.

I just have to say -- what a cool forum!
1. We can't be offended.

2. We know we're hysterical.

3. The place isn't cool, it's the posters.

4. Welcome to the Planet, n00b.

Buehler445
09-10-2007, 08:01 PM
So shall it be written, so shall it be told!!!

TBH 1:2




No disrespect... you guys are hysterical.

I just have to say -- what a cool forum!

Welcome to the planet.

Dylan
09-10-2007, 08:07 PM
Thank you guys! You're right. The posters are special and unique.

Even though I root for another team, I have followed the KC Chiefs. Overall, I have a great deal of respect for them.

Thanks again for a warm welcome.

Buehler445
09-10-2007, 08:10 PM
Thank you guys! You're right. The posters are very unique.

Even though I root for another team, I have followed the KC Chiefs. Overall, I have a great deal of respect for them.

Thanks again for a warm welcome.

What team do you follow? (Don't say Broncos or Raiders)

carlos3652
09-10-2007, 08:53 PM
I dont know if it has been mentioned yet, but you need to put in as miracles:

1992-94 - Scouted and Groomed Dale Carter, Kevin Ross, and Albert Lewis while in KC
1996-2000 - Groomed John Lynch, Donnie Abraham, Ronde Barber and Dexter Jackson in TB
2002 - Started the season 2-5, made the playoffs at 9-7 and defeated the Colts 41-0 in the playoffs...
2006 Playoff Berth - when three teams lost...

Dylan
09-10-2007, 09:18 PM
What team do you follow? (Don't say Broncos or Raiders)

No... We play the Chiefs every few years.

The last game we played together, Priest Holmes ran all over us. No one could stop him OR slow him down... lol

Buehler445
09-10-2007, 09:19 PM
No... lol ... We play the Chiefs every few years.

The last game we played together, Priest Holmes ran all over us. No one could stop him... lol

Priest ran over a lot of people. Seriously, what team do you root for.

Simplex3
09-10-2007, 09:23 PM
...I have followed the KC Chiefs. Overall, I have a great deal of respect for them.
So is the n00b a liar or an idiot?

;)

carlos3652
09-10-2007, 09:23 PM
No... We play the Chiefs every few years.

The last game we played together, Priest Holmes ran all over us. No one could stop him OR slow him down... lol

My Guess is Atlanta...

Dylan
09-10-2007, 10:34 PM
No... Not Atlanta -- not south lol

I would hate for someone to hold that against me. Some would... In addition, I would never talk about your team. I'm sure the person in charge knows! They can probably tell you where I work... Don't tell! lol j/k

This forum has excellent football knowledge as well as humor. The humor is priceless!

Logical
09-10-2007, 11:20 PM
Then Herm was led by the fans into the desert to be tempted by the scoring of 22 points. After punting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempters came to him and said, "If you are the Hire of Carl, tell this quarterback to throw deep to win."

Herm answered, "It is written: 'A team does not win on points alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of his coach.'"

Then the fans took him to the holy stadium and had him stand on the highest point of the 300 level. "If you are the Hire of Carl," they said, "throw yourself down. For it is written: 'He will command his field crew concerning you, and they will lift their tarp up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against the field.'"

Herm answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put thy hourly employees to work during the week.'"

Again, the fans took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the trophies of the Lombardi and their splendor. "All this I will give you," they said, "if you will throw down field and score 22 points."

Herm said to them, "Away from me, fans! For it is written: 'Scoring more than 21 points in a game isn't real football, it's Arena League football.'"

Then the fans left him, and Carl came and attended him.

Nicely done you are getting better at this here versing.

Wa-Z
09-10-2007, 11:45 PM
Thou shall make like a tree when in doubt of game management.

'Hamas' Jenkins
09-10-2007, 11:53 PM
Thou shalt not play Arena League Football on the Sabbath, for scoring is an affront to the lord.

And, in Herm's Revelations 6:12

And I beheld when he had scored the 22nd point in a half, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood;

6:13 And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind. And the Lord Herm was displeased, for he never wasted his figs.

6:14 And the heaven Arrowhead departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain of men and island were moved out of their places, for they had forsaken the Herm after 2-14.

6:15 And the kings of the earth, the Patriots and the great men, the Mannings, and the rich men, the McNabbs, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, and every Tank hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains, for they had seen football, and it was not this circus.

FAX
09-11-2007, 12:17 AM
And so it came to pass that all the people saw the HBO, and heardest they the bellowings of the coaches, and they saw the defensive speed and the cuttings of the dead wood and of the 3rd string quarterback: and when the people saw it, they believed, and stood afar off in wonderment and awe.

And they said unto Herm, Speak thou with us, and we will hear: but let not Carl speak unto us, lest we die and perceive mighty diseases upon our loins. And Herm said unto the people, Fear not: for Carl is come to prove you, and that his fear may be before your faces, that ye bitch not and no more shalt thy bitch.

And the people stood afar off, and Herm drew near unto the thick darkness of the office where Carl was. And Carl said unto Herm, Thus thou shalt say unto the people, Ye have seen that I have talked with you from mine office and from mine office hath I spoken unto you. Ye shall not make unto me trophies of silver, neither shall ye make unto me trophies of gold.

An altar of cash thou shalt make unto me, and shalt sacrifice thereon thy mortgage payments, and thy insurance premiums, and thy food budget for thine season tickets and for thine two ticket packages shalt thy sacrifice: and in all places I will come unto thee, and I will bless thee with parking and beer containers like unto a thimble.

And if thou wilt make me an altar of cash, thou shalt not build it of hewn Dammit Carl t-shirts: for if thou lift up mine name upon it, thou hast polluted thy garments. And Herm did speak now in the ears of the people, and let every man borrow of his neighbour, and every woman of her neighbour, jewels of silver, and coins of gold, and borrowings of every kind and giveth them they unto Carl.

FAX

Direckshun
09-11-2007, 12:34 AM
It's times like this where I realize I have completely underrated the creativity on this board.

huskerdooz
09-11-2007, 04:17 AM
Thou shalt have no other Curly Dicks before thee.

huskerdooz
09-11-2007, 04:27 AM
Chapter 1

1 In 1978, year of our Lord, the Ancient Giants found themselves ensconced in a comfortable lead in the waning seconds of a 17-12 victory over thine Golden Eagles upon the gridiron of the Meadowlands. 2 All that stood between themselves and victory was a 3rd-and-2 kneel-down to kill off the remaining seconds off the clock. 3 But in those crucial seconds that echo throughout the Heavens and the Earth, there would be no kneel-down. 5 Instead, a Miracle reared itself, as the Lord slipped the ball from the hands of Pisarcik, and from this Immaculate Separation doth borne Herman Edwards. 6 To be known among Godís children as ďHerm,Ē he made good work of the Lordís blessing, hauling the fumbled treasure 26-yards for a defensive touchdown and a 19-17 shocker. Prodigy was borne this day.



I'm curious what verse 4 says.

PhillyChiefFan
09-11-2007, 05:48 AM
Welcome to the Planet Dylan. When I joined I was given a piece of advice that I will never forget, when all else fails...blame Carl.

Extra Point
09-11-2007, 08:58 AM
"And I shall turn my back on the chosen kicker filled with the vile plagues and diseases of the mind. I shall purify the flock by casting him under the diesel chariot.

If thy left foot offend thee, cut it off!"

jwhit
09-11-2007, 09:57 AM
this is easily one of the most clever things i've ever read. all that have participated should be very proud. this is absolute genius.

Ari Chi3fs
09-11-2007, 10:14 AM
Marty begat Tony. Tony begat Herm. And so it was written that he who begats who will be given the playbook to the other in any games of thine playoff merit.

If thee is committed to the run, the Lord Herm will provideth for thee.

If thee is weak in thine offensive line. Lord Herm will not address such frivolous things.

The Gospel of Herm is Run Run Pass Punt... and nary thy path shall change. For ifith thee throw beyond thee hashmark of ten yards, ye be of the Arena football devil.

Sippio? Sippy-no. For in the Gospel of Herm, only those who possess hands of stone may see the glorious field on the Sabbath in the Red Sea.

beach tribe
09-11-2007, 10:16 AM
Marty begat Tony. Tony begat Herm. And so it was written that he who begats who will be given the playbook to the other in any games of thine playoff merit.

If thee is committed to the run, the Lord Herm will provideth for thee.

If thee is weak in thine offensive line. Lord Herm will not address such frivolous things.

The Gospel of Herm is Run Run Pass Punt... and nary thy path shall change. For ifith thee throw beyond thee hashmark of ten yards, ye be of the Arena football devil.

Sippio? Sippy-no. For in the Gospel of Herm, only those who possess hands of stone may see the glorious field on the Sabbath in the Red Sea.
WOW. :clap:

Dylan
09-11-2007, 11:06 AM
Welcome to the Planet Dylan. When I joined I was given a piece of advice that I will never forget, when all else fails...blame Carl.
Thank you!

Do you think there's a Carl Peterson Manifesto hanging around? I'd like to be on the same page -- only in my mind anyway!

carlos3652
09-11-2007, 11:27 AM
Could we sticky this, as I think this should be something we update every week... anyone want to second this motion...

Lets try to finish this... Fax, Simplex3, and many others have been incredible... put it on WIKI too as metioned previously...

'Hamas' Jenkins
09-11-2007, 11:53 AM
Beware Don Coryell and Trent Green, for they are false prophets of offense. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle than it is to score 30 points while playing real football, for that is Arena League stuff. The low scoring teams shall inherit the earth, for they do not try to outscore their opponents on the road.

FAX
09-11-2007, 12:01 PM
And it came to pass after these things, that Carl did visit Herm, and sayeth unto him, Herm: behold, here I am and from my office have I come unto you and, lo, the media are angry and with loud voices do they decry the team. And neither do they repent they of their evil voicings, nor of their sorceries, nor of their fornication, nor of their blasphemous eating habits.

For their power is in their mouth, and in their microphones: and their scribes are like unto serpents, and doeth they strike at our livelihood, and with them do they injure attendance and the season tickets sales doest they grievous harm.

And to Herm it was given that Carl should not be tormented five months: for the torment of the media was as the torment of a scorpion, when he striketh a man in the groin and, woe, unto the penis itself do it striketh. And Carl said, Take now thy kicker, thine only kicker, whom I lovest, and get thee into the land of Waivers; and offer him there for an offering unto the media.

And Herm rose up early in the morning, and checketh he for the last time, and took with him his wife his trusted counselor, and Medlock his beloved kicker, and clave he to the Waiver Wire for the offering of which Carl had told him.

FAX

Baby Lee
09-11-2007, 12:05 PM
And Herm rose up early in the morning, and checketh he for the last time
C'MON!!!!

Snickers I can stifle. Belly guffaws not so much.

beach tribe
09-11-2007, 12:15 PM
And it came to pass after these things, that Carl did visit Herm, and sayeth unto him, Herm: behold, here I am and from my office have I come unto you and, lo, the media are angry and with loud voices do they decry the team. And neither do they repent they of their evil voicings, nor of their sorceries, nor of their fornication, nor of their blasphemous eating habits.

For their power is in their mouth, and in their microphones: and their scribes are like unto serpents, and doeth they strike at our livelihood, and with them do they injure attendance and the season tickets sales doest they grievous harm.

And to Herm it was given that Carl should not be tormented five months: for the torment of the media was as the torment of a scorpion, when he striketh a man in the groin and, woe, unto the penis itself do it striketh. And Carl said, Take now thy kicker, thine only kicker, whom I lovest, and get thee into the land of Waivers; and offer him there for an offering unto the media.

And Herm rose up early in the morning, and checketh he for the last time, and took with him his wife his trusted counselor, and Medlock his beloved kicker, and clave he to the Waiver Wire for the offering of which Carl had told him.

FAX
HA......FUKIN........LARIOUS

Chiefnj2
09-11-2007, 12:34 PM
And behold, on the sixteenth day of the ninth month the Chiefs shall come up like a lamb from the swelling of Jordan unto the habitation of the strong who play near the great lake of Michigan. And the Chiefs shall be deceived for the strong ursus shall have a quarterback much like their own. He too shall have an affinity for throwing the ball errantly to those that come from other stadiums. But like a shepherd guarding a flock of wolves, the Chiefs shall be deceived. For the mighty defense of the ursus shall overcome the many clouds of dust generated by the Chiefs, and all of the noteworthy punting shall be for naught. The Chiefs shall return to their habituation defeated yet strangely still inspired by the many wisdoms of Herm.

Chiefnj2
11-19-2007, 01:10 PM
bump so people can add the next chapter: Book Of Croyle.

KCJohnny
11-19-2007, 01:41 PM
And it came to pass after 37 years of bitter drought that the Chosen People gathered together at One Arrowhead Drive to ask for a quarterback.

Then replied the King to the people, "I have given you 49ers quarterbacks! I have given you Martzyball! I have even given you Tom Brady's back up! What more could I have done for you ungrateful servants?"

"Nay, they replied. We want our own quarterback. For we have seen and heard how other franchises draft a young QB and develop them into leaders and prophets. Now therefore, go to and bring us a quarterback!"

The king would have parted company but the furor of the crowd could not be placated with the usual prattle about the Marty years.

After much thought, the king decided to offer up a sacrifice. "I'll teach them, " he thought to himself. "After they see what becomes of their blessed redeemer QB, they will think twice before confronting their king again!"

So the king ordered his servant Hermaniah to offer up the innocent young lamb named Croyle to the wild stallion stampede. Hermaniah delayed as long as he could, but the king insisted on the sacrifice.

Now it came to pass that the Stallion stampede was passing through the valley of decision. The stallions were four stadia high and could destroy a furlong's worth of hubris in a single step. Hermaniah attempted to hide Croyle in the cleft of the rock but the lad would have none of it. "Place me in their path," saith the youth.

With all eyes on the lad, the stallions gathered steam in their stampede. Brodie lifted his eyes to heaven and prayed,
"Now Lord, if thy servant is pleasing in thy sight,
Send a plague to slay these evil beasts."

And behold, from the mist came a large creature with ferocious countenance and a mullet haircut. He wore a crimson robe with "69" emblazed on it. He that hath wisdom, let him understand what this meaneth.

The creature proceeded to break the legs of the Stallions one-by-one. The people gasped, "truly the Almighty has heard the prayer of Croyle."

Out of the heavens appeared a Bowe. It stretched from goal line to goal line. It was glorious to behold! Croyle was told "stretcheth forth thy right arm and hurl the forward pass to the Bowe." Obeying the voice, he completed forward pass after forward pass confuting the stallion stampede.

The people cried, "Our deliverer hath arrived!"

The king exclaimed, "It was my idea all along! For in my counsel I kneweth that he was the real deal."

But the people knew that the king deceived them.

Ari Chi3fs
11-19-2007, 01:53 PM
For it is written that he who hath the right forearm of three men, shall bring forth the glory.

KCFalcon59
11-19-2007, 02:01 PM
Thow shalt not snatch victory from the hands of defeat.

HemiEd
11-19-2007, 02:09 PM
For it is written that he who hath the right forearm of three men, shall bring forth the glory.

The forearm didn't look that big to me, how about you?

Were those the worst announcers ever, for a Chiefs game?

I don't know how many times they couldn't make a correct first down call, even with the aid of the yellow line. They were horrible.

picasso
11-19-2007, 02:17 PM
And not on the last day, but at thy end of the day he rested. Knowing full well his flock was flucked.

Bob Dole
11-19-2007, 02:23 PM
The forearm didn't look that big to me, how about you?

Were those the worst announcers ever, for a Chiefs game?

I don't know how many times they couldn't make a correct first down call, even with the aid of the yellow line. They were horrible.

That's an Indianapolis first down right there.

HemiEd
11-19-2007, 02:27 PM
That's an Indianapolis first down right there.

You got it. It was clearly a yard short, in plain view! They just furthered the frustration level.

KurtCobain
01-24-2011, 06:25 PM
How's this bible looking now?

Big Chief Homer
01-24-2011, 07:04 PM
and behold as the seasons past and hard knocks fell apon the mighty city. Herm cast out the bearer of the mullet and took solice in knowing that the savior from the land of the bruin shall be forever known as the keeeker.