View Full Version : This has been a bad day
05-12-2001, 09:51 PM
This has been a bad day for me. My daughter just told me the best and worst news I have heard.
The good part is that she's having a baby.
The bad part is that she's only 15.
I was reading the newpaper today and Angela (my daughter) came and broke it to me. I was mad at her at first, but my wife told me to calm down. The worst part is that she doesn't know who the father is. She told me she had slept with so many men. Now all this stress...
My other daughter (Cassandra, 13) I fear, is taking her sister's path also. She has been sneaking out of the house the past few nights (I think) and me and Kate (my wife) found a bag of condoms under her bed. When we caught her sneaking out one night, she wouldn't tell us where she was going and we had a big fight.
I know she's probably having sex, but how do I find out without outright asking her? Any suggestions?
05-12-2001, 09:59 PM
Oh man, I feel for you. I really don't have much experience with teenage girls, but you need to keep her inside the house. If one of your daughters has done this, it is very likely that your other will as well. In my experience, trying to disipline by force doesn't usually help, but in th is case, you might need too. Try to talk to her, and explain to her that her life could be ruined just like her sisters if she does this kind of thing.
Hope this helps you, and good luck.
05-12-2001, 10:10 PM
I greatly feel for you...That is a tough day.
As for your youngest daughter...I understand the subtle approach in case your assumptions are wrong but once you found the bag of condoms the subtle approach should have left the building...
I guess the one positive thing coming from your oldest daughter unfortunate situation is that your youngest one should get a real wake up call about reality and the consequences....
05-12-2001, 10:11 PM
I am so sorry~
I did this to my parents at 17. The only good thing was I knew who it was. My boyfriend of 6 years. But to my misfortune, neither parents would allow us to have the baby. So they made me terminate it. I still think about that. At least I know I have a child in heaven I will see one day.
I also know the fear your daughter was and is feeling right now. Try to be patient and just love her. Nothing will make her fell better than to have the love of her Mom and Dad right now! I promise you that. As for your younger daughter? Time for you to be the parent and stop letting the children run you and your wife. If she is sneaking out a simple soultion...hard to do, but works...is to tell her you will call the Juvenile Hall and let them pick her up and she can spend the night there to think. Just continue to re enforce your love. I will left you up in my prayers.
05-12-2001, 10:20 PM
Damn, that's rough. Add another reason to why I don't want to have kids.
Hopefully, when your younger daughter sees what your older daughter goes through, it will serve as a wake up call.
Don't know what to tell you about the oldest (seems the damage is done), but couple of suggestions for the youngest:
1. I would employ some Wrath of God discipline.
2. Be a sneaking bastard and follow your youngest around. Remember that teenages are naturally stupid, and also naturally underestimate the intelligence of their parents. Figure out who she's with and come down on him like nuclear death. Talk to the kid's parents as well.
3. I don't know what kind of area you live in, but if its not a good one, for your kids' sakes, you should consider moving. I personally live in a neighborhood in Chicago where I would absolutely never raise children (but not for long). It may be a b!tch, but relocating to a calmer environment could help.
No 13 year old should be having sex, but at least if you found condoms, that means she's using them. Of course, we all know the damn things break from time to time, and that no teenager is exactly a bastion of responsibility. Time to nip this crap in the bud.
05-13-2001, 12:13 AM
I work in a medical clinic as a RN and see numerous High School girls coming in for birth control counseling. We hook them up with BC pills or the very popular DepoProva injection.
This injection lasts 3 months and is basically a Godsend to these very "active" young girls.
Be thankful your youngest is utilizing some form of birth control at this tender age. You already know what happened with your 15 year old.
My advice is for you to have a heart-to-heart with noth of your daughters and give them your love and support during these experimental times.
Far better to know what they are doing then to have them sneak around on you.
05-13-2001, 12:48 AM
kat - did you want to keep the baby? If so you had every
right. I am pro-choice, but no one should ever be forced to have an abortion! Unless, of course, the mothers life is at risk. I have a sister 2 years older than me that became pregnant at 16. Our folks left it up to her - and
supported her. He is now 16.
05-13-2001, 07:16 AM
That indeed was a tough day. I am not a counselor but I would like to offer a few words of encouragement.
First, as others have already said, the experience of the older daughter may well serve as an example to the younger as a warning to her that all actions have consequences.
Second, now is the time to mend some bridges with your older daughter. She no doubt is very scared and feeling like she has no one to go to for help. Now is the time to love her and encourage her and show her that she is very special to you and that you are there to help her through this rough spot. Stick by her during the tough times and she will remember when you both walk out together on the other side.
05-13-2001, 07:50 AM
DR - sounds like your family could use a little communication enrichment. Please don't sneak around trying to find out what your daughters are up to. That will only create defiance and animosity.
My best advice to you, if you can't establish a trusting, open relationship with your kids, get your family to a good family counsellor. Your kids and even you may resist, but the rewards can be huge if you find someone who can help you build a trusting relationship with your family...
Don't give up getting control back...be supportive but firm!
05-13-2001, 08:32 AM
For having the courage to tell you. I think the fact that she was honest with you says she feels safe enough to trust you.
I feel for you, man, but I have to tell you I'm surprised but not shocked. Today's society has children who are treated like adults in almost all facets of life. The word teenager is almost obsolete. We can't keep exposing children to adult situations and issues, and not expect them to grow up too fast. Look at Btrittany Spears...That pepsi commercial isn't about Soda.
Handle this with a open and understanding heart. Not only will it help you 15 year old, your younger daughter will be watching you like a hawk to see how you deal this.
Good luck. And pray. lots.
05-13-2001, 09:39 AM
OH yeah I wanted my child!! But at 17 almost underage
and the fact that it was 1975 the parents told us what to do then. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder if it was a girl or boy. Since I didn't have children in my marriage this hurts 200% more too. But, again back then we never went againist our parents. We tried, but it was just "we are just kids" it would ruin our lives...da da da...
So I understand what our fellow friend is going through very well. But if they love her and support her they will sure see a little girl grow up into a lovely woman. I did, even though my parents didn't allow me to make my choice...;) At 42 it's easy to see what they were thinking. Trying to protect us from the hardships and missing out on what they thought we would. But again, my faith allows me to know I will see my child one day, and I look forward to that!!!
05-13-2001, 08:04 PM
Sorry I could not reply so quickly, me and my son went morrell mushroom hunting.
Thank you for all your helpful advice and support. Our family is very conservative, so I do not believe in abortion. We are going to keep the baby, and my daughter promises she will try to stay in school. It will be hard, but I think it can be done.
As for my youngest daughter, I haven't talked to her yet about this problem. I'm still not sure about how to approach this. I was thinking about sitting her down and asking her about what she's been up to the past few days, and telling her the things that may come out of having sex. Is that a good way of approaching the subject? Then I think I should punish her, grounding her for a week? What is your opinion on how to keep children from doing these things?
I have a friend (his name is Brian) who had a 12 year old who smoked marijuana and had sex. Thankfully she did not have a child. Brian somehow got her to change and she makes A's in school now.
05-13-2001, 08:28 PM
Everyone here has had very well thought out points.
I'd like to add the following:
Nothing will have as great as an effect on either of your girls than seeing the effects of pregnancy. If it's a particularly rough pregnancy (especially for a teenager), then it will have a profound impact on both of your girls. Neither will be in a rush to get to that point and it might be the best way of proving your point.
Usually kids who are promiscous are in a rebellion mode... but what could they be rebelling against? You'd know better than I.
I do wish you all the luck in the world, as well as that of your daughter's pregnancy. Hopefully, everything will turn out alright...
05-14-2001, 08:43 AM
First thing I would do is consult a professional instead of football fans on a BB. I realize there is some great advice and insite here, but its your daughter, not an office football pool.
I definitely aggree that your support is important.
My dad's theory on keeping us out of trouble was "If we were busy working, we didn't have time to get into trouble." We lived on a farm though, so there were more options for chores, splitting wood etc....but we still had part time jobs off the farm.
If they want to act like grow-ups and accept grownup responsibilities...I say treat them like grownups...let them get jobs, charge them rent(small amount for effect) etc.....Maybe they'll figure out its more fun to be a kid as long as they can.
05-14-2001, 09:53 AM
OMG, this truly scares me. While my children are not yet at the age I have to worry about this (7 girl, 5 boy) It will be here soon. With your younger daughter I would suggest telling her that abstinence is the only truly safe way to be. That being said I understand reality, you might consider having her put on the pill, or Norplant, and explain (as scary as it is) that there are things much worse than pregnancy.
05-14-2001, 11:13 AM
I am a teen, and living in Manchester, Iowa, a town of 5,000 some odd people, and within the delaware county limits(delaware county being in the top two counties in the nation for teen drinking) I have lots of experience with lots of partying. I know the teen sex issues of the now, and not the then. Basically, I am one of the guys you fear...for your daughters sake. I am 17 and know the ropes as do many of my friends, so I think I am qualified for this advice....
What you should do, is when you confront your youngest daughter(if you haven't already) is to let your oldest daughter tag-along for the experience, let her help to tell your youngest daughter how much she regrets doing what she did now that she knows the conciquences. At this age, children are VERY influencial, therefore, your youngest daughter may listen to the 15 yr. old daughter more that she would you. Then again, she may think..."It's just a little harmless sex" getting you nowhere. Well, in many cases that can be true, such as if it is with one partner using protection, but when you go to a party, get liquored up, things happen...especially with girls. If you are living in a bigger city, chances are...she has more than one partner, and the partners are usually of an older age, so you do need to take some action in secluding your daughters. The teens these days in bigger cities do take advantage of the younger girls, I know, I have friends living in larger cities. There, they don't care how old a girl is...where I'm from, if I had fun with a MUCH younger girl, I would hear about it from friends, and having a sister that is a senior, and one a sophmore, living in a small town, they all hear about my activities, this is why I think about $hit before I do it.
Use your oldest daughter to help talk to the younger
Seclude her from certain activities
Consult your friend Brian for advice in how he went about it
Consult a professional
05-14-2001, 04:52 PM
Hi teen -
Tell John I said hello.
I don't really know what to tell the Dr. This is a heckuva pickle. Get some help would be a good start. Everyone has an opinion but very few of them would be correct in your circumstance unless they knew the situation better.
For this reason, I don't wish to give much advise, just deferr to the professionals.....
05-14-2001, 06:18 PM
A question for you as you are a teen. Have you given thought to if you got a girl pregnant? You not only have the responsiblility of a girl pregnant, you then would have a child to support. BUT this is the biggie....you have ruined her reputation forever.<<Please think on this the next time you have sex. Whether you think it's safe or not. You get hurt as does a child, but are you willing to live with the fact that you have ruined what that girl will be thought of the rest of her life??
05-14-2001, 11:45 PM
i think what you meant to say was that he helped to ruiin her reputation. if she spreads her legs then she is just as responsible as he is. Just my point of view. I'm not trying to start an argument, but it seems as though you were suggesting that he was fully responsible for ruining her reputation.
05-15-2001, 12:46 AM
Actually, no problem for me, because as of now, I choose to be abstinant, still a virgin, done things....but passed on others if you know what I mean. I dont know if its cuz I want the whole "right girl" thing, or just cuz. But, when the opportunities come....its just harder and harder to say no. So I will probably give up my abstinance soon...very soon. Its just that very good-looking girls are hard to refuse, and I've been called dumb for doing it, and I am. If I were to impregnate a girl, I would support the baby, even if I weren't in a relationship, but to help the girls reputation, if I did like her, I could see making it a relationship.
05-15-2001, 07:20 AM
I wasn't trying to hurt anturis. Just that a girl loosing their reps. a lot more than a man does. Seems it's a stud thing for a guy and a sl#t thing for a girl.
I am proud of you anturis. Hang in there. It will be right when it is right.
05-15-2001, 09:21 AM
That was a pretty quick 180, Turnis....
You are talking big and then somebody mentions your father's name....
Now you are a virginal 17 yo boy with tons of partying experience.... I don't know ANY 17 yo boy that would admit being a virgin, much less advertise it unless they thought it might get back to his parents.
I don't know your father and he won't find out anything you say on this board unless he reads it himself.
05-15-2001, 11:01 AM
I know this is completely inappropriate but, oh well, here it goes. The only thing I regret about my younger years were the ones that I either couldn't close or said no to. Of course this only applies to good looking ones. When you get older and commit to one you will kick yourself 1000 times for every one of those.
Know this is not going to be a popular opinion. Just telling it like it is.
05-15-2001, 11:06 AM
That may be true for you, but definitely not for everybody.
Tough deal here, folks. I want everyone participating in this discussion, as well as those only lurking, to think carefully about something. At what age did YOU become sexually active?
[pausing for dramatic effect...]
Now, before all of us who are parents hit the roof that 13, or even 15, is too young for sex, we need to get real. Someone aluded the the Brittany Pepsi commercial, and that's an excellent example. Our kids, and our neighbor's kids are just as flooded with sexual images through TV advertising, popular fashion, talk shows, etc, etc, etc as we are. Problem is, and the facts are, young folks are much more susceptable to influence than we are. I truly believe they just can't help it.
Teens, and even Pre-teens today must be very, very strong to resist these media and peer induced temptations. There are many more of these temptations than when we were teens, make no mistake about it.
I'm quickly approaching these challenges as a parent myself. I feel that love, guidance, and acceptance will be the keys to support your oldest daughter thru this. As for the youngest, the harder you try to force her to stop, the more she will work to continue her reckless behavior, which isn't any different than many girls and boys her age are also doing.
Talk to her, explain how you feel, ask your oldest to help as well. Allow her to make her choices, but prepare her, and coach her to protect herself, and make wise choices. IMHO, forbiddance will seal the fate of failure.
my opinions, take them for as much/litttle as you feel they are worth
05-15-2001, 11:51 AM
1. You can try to go rent the movie 'Kids'.
Watch it with your daughters (or at least the 13 yo). If you're not sure that you want them to watch it, see for yourself first.
Here's the plot outline from www.imdb.com:
"A controversial portrayal of teens in New York City which exposes a world which is deeply disturbing. The film focuses on a freckled boy Telly (Leo Fitzpatrick), whose idea of safe sex is to have sex with only virgins. But one girl from one of his past unprotected passion test positive for HIV, and soon finds him making love yet to another unsuspecting girl."
This movie pretty much made me sick to my stomach and it certainly makes a person think twice about being promiscuous.
2. Get some professional advice.
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