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View Full Version : WTF is it with Pastors at Funerals?


Simplex3
09-16-2007, 12:18 PM
So we held the memorial service for my grandmother. It's not a real funeral, we've already interned her ashes earlier. Here's the plan beforehand:

1. Family meets at church one of my cousins attends because the room is big enough.
2. Pastor insists on speaking, we figure it's Ok to get a prayer or two.
3. Myself and two of my cousins will get up and speak, relaying memories about my grandmother.
4. One of my cousins will close with a prayer.

Short, simple, and to the point. Exactly how she led her life.

The minute this guy starts speaking he's "stealing our thunder", so to speak. He spends two or three minutes going over the five or six minutes of material we have. Then he says a quick Bible verse or two.

Then it starts. He spends the next almost ten minutes being a f**king Amway salesman. Talking to everyone about how we need to go to church OR ELSE. Telling us how if we aren't the right kind of religious we'd better be scared s**tless of death.

You know what? My grandmother's death is NOT an opportunity for you to go on a recruiting drive for more tithes. F**k you Mr. I'm So Religious.

DomerNKC
09-16-2007, 12:23 PM
So we held the memorial service for my grandmother. It's not a real funeral, we've already interned her ashes earlier. Here's the plan beforehand:

1. Family meets at church one of my cousins attends because the room is big enough.
2. Pastor insists on speaking, we figure it's Ok to get a prayer or two.
3. Myself and two of my cousins will get up and speak, relaying memories about my grandmother.
4. One of my cousins will close with a prayer.

Short, simple, and to the point. Exactly how she led her life.

The minute this guy starts speaking he's "stealing our thunder", so to speak. He spends two or three minutes going over the five or six minutes of material we have. Then he says a quick Bible verse or two.

Then it starts. He spends the next almost ten minutes being a f**king Amway salesman. Talking to everyone about how we need to go to church OR ELSE. Telling us how if we aren't the right kind of religious we'd better be scared s**tless of death.

You know what? My grandmother's death is NOT an opportunity for you to go on a recruiting drive for more tithes. F**k you Mr. I'm So Religious.it is their job to convert you. If they are unable to convert you, they are to kill you. Please do not provoke them, you cant tell what is under that robe.

Simplex3
09-16-2007, 12:25 PM
it is their job to convert you. If they are unable to convert you, they are to kill you. Please do not provoke them, you cant tell what is under that robe.
Robe? ROBE? This tool wasn't even in coat and tie. He did have on his little head-mounted microphone like he was a member of some boy-band.

MTG#10
09-16-2007, 12:27 PM
So we held the memorial service for my grandmother. It's not a real funeral, we've already interned her ashes earlier. Here's the plan beforehand:

1. Family meets at church one of my cousins attends because the room is big enough.
2. Pastor insists on speaking, we figure it's Ok to get a prayer or two.
3. Myself and two of my cousins will get up and speak, relaying memories about my grandmother.
4. One of my cousins will close with a prayer.

Short, simple, and to the point. Exactly how she led her life.

The minute this guy starts speaking he's "stealing our thunder", so to speak. He spends two or three minutes going over the five or six minutes of material we have. Then he says a quick Bible verse or two.

Then it starts. He spends the next almost ten minutes being a f**king Amway salesman. Talking to everyone about how we need to go to church OR ELSE. Telling us how if we aren't the right kind of religious we'd better be scared s**tless of death.

You know what? My grandmother's death is NOT an opportunity for you to go on a recruiting drive for more tithes. F**k you Mr. I'm So Religious.

Thats what happens when you use a church. Did you pay to use the room? If not then you really cant complain.

DomerNKC
09-16-2007, 12:28 PM
Robe? ROBE? This tool wasn't even in coat and tie. He did have on his little head-mounted microphone like he was a member of some boy-band.ROFLROFL

Skip Towne
09-16-2007, 12:29 PM
Thats what happens when you use a church. Did you pay to use the room? If not then you really cant complain.
Sure he can. That's what this place is for.

DomerNKC
09-16-2007, 12:29 PM
Thats what happens when you use a church. Did you pay to use the room? If not then you really cant complain.they don't pay any taxes. they should be available for such a purpose.

Simplex3
09-16-2007, 12:30 PM
Thats what happens when you use a church. Did you pay to use the room? If not then you really cant complain.
Oh, we paid. We also "got" to pay for this guy's "services".

DomerNKC
09-16-2007, 12:32 PM
Oh, we paid. We also "got" to pay for this guy's "services".one hell of a business they got there...

MTG#10
09-16-2007, 12:32 PM
Oh, we paid. We also "got" to pay for this guy's "services".

Well if you paid that was totally uncalled for. Maybe the pastor thinks he gets "closer to God" for every person he recruits.

Simplex3
09-16-2007, 12:34 PM
I made sure to tell my entire family, again, to not allow one of those f**ks into my death party. If they feel the need to hire a speaker it better be a f**king comedian.

DomerNKC
09-16-2007, 12:34 PM
Well if you paid that was totally uncalled for. Maybe the pastor thinks he gets "closer to God" for every person he recruits.i think there is a merit badge for that.

dj56dt58
09-16-2007, 12:36 PM
should have told em to **** off

Demonpenz
09-16-2007, 12:36 PM
I made sure to tell my entire family, again, to not allow one of those f**ks into my death party. If they feel the need to hire a speaker it better be a f**king comedian.


Oh I think your life is joke enough.

sorry J/k

Simplex3
09-16-2007, 12:38 PM
Oh I think your life is joke enough.

sorry J/k
Nothing to apologize for, that's kind of the point. :)

The Red Sea
09-16-2007, 12:41 PM
Well if you paid that was totally uncalled for. Maybe the pastor thinks he gets "closer to God" for every person he recruits. ...or KILLS!!!

Rain Man
09-16-2007, 12:41 PM
I made sure to tell my entire family, again, to not allow one of those f**ks into my death party. If they feel the need to hire a speaker it better be a f**king comedian.

"Death came to my house the other day. I said, 'Take my wife...please.'"

"I just flew in from digging this guy's grave, and boy, is my back tired."

"What do you call a guy in a coffin? Uncle Mort!"

"I know you're out there. I can hear you breathing. Well, except for that guy over there."

"I'll be here all week. Try the Soylent Green."

Simplex3
09-16-2007, 12:43 PM
"I know you're out there. I can hear you breathing. Well, except for that guy over there."
"At least he can't screw up any more laundry."

DomerNKC
09-16-2007, 12:44 PM
...or KILLS!!!dude, you never know. I guess he wasn't wearing a robe but you don't know what kind of information was being fed to him through that "boy band" microphone ensamble.ROFL

stevieray
09-16-2007, 12:46 PM
it is their job to convert you. If they are unable to convert you, they are to kill you.

I can't decide which statement is more ludicrous.

DomerNKC
09-16-2007, 12:48 PM
I can't decide which statement is more ludicrous.or which statement is more sarcastic....

FAX
09-16-2007, 12:50 PM
I had a pastor problem at a funeral for an aunt some years ago, Mr. Simplex3. He kept referring to the deceased by the wrong name. Her name was "Wilma" and he kept calling her "Melba". It was as if we were burying some old toast. By the end, he almost had everyone in the church convinced we were at the wrong funeral.

Awkward.

FAX

stevieray
09-16-2007, 12:53 PM
or which statement is more sarcastic....


then it makes sense...

htismaqe
09-16-2007, 12:55 PM
I'll never forget my wedding.

The 5-minute sermon that became a 30-minute "lesson" on suffering through hardship, complete with cat-o-nine-tails and the ripping of flesh and bone...

Simplex3
09-16-2007, 12:57 PM
I had a pastor problem at a funeral for an aunt some years ago, Mr. Simplex3. He kept referring to the deceased by the wrong name. Her name was "Wilma" and he kept calling her "Melba". It was as if we were burying some old toast. By the end, he almost had everyone in the church convinced we were at the wrong funeral.

Awkward.

FAX
Several years ago at my uncle's funeral one of the boobs who we were required to allow to speak (and who had been going to church with my uncle's son for years) mispronounced his name repeatedly, despite the fact that if he'd been listening he would have heard it dozens of times correctly.

Simplex3
09-16-2007, 12:59 PM
I'll never forget my wedding.

The 5-minute sermon that became a 30-minute "lesson" on suffering through hardship, complete with cat-o-nine-tails and the ripping of flesh and bone...
:eek:

Rain Man
09-16-2007, 01:00 PM
I'll never forget my wedding.



That's good, because it'd really be embarrassing to forget and order a biblical child bride.

DomerNKC
09-16-2007, 01:03 PM
That's good, because it'd really be embarrassing to forget and order a biblical child bride.WTF? Are you saying you can't have both???

Simplex3
09-16-2007, 01:14 PM
WTF? Are you saying you can't have both???
You can't have your cake and molest it too.

DomerNKC
09-16-2007, 01:18 PM
You can't have your cake and molest it too....what about the cream filling in the twinkie?

Chieftain58
09-16-2007, 01:53 PM
Religion is a farce, God is not